by J. M. Colail
“You really are beautiful,” he said, touching my lips.
I laid my head on his shoulder and smiled in spite of myself. My face felt flushed and Wesley hugged me.
“Do you have to work today?” I asked.
Wesley sneered and nodded. “Yeah, I gotta be in at two.” He leaned in and kissed me, then climbed out of bed. I took a deep breath. His body was perfect: not too thin, not too muscular. The muscles in his arms and legs were faintly outlined and shaded by the sunlight. He had a little bit of a belly, but it wasn’t noticeable unless he was naked. He got dressed, and then sat down on the bed to tie his shoes.
“Aren’t you going to walk me out?” he asked, leaning down and kissing me.
“Sure,” I answered, inching to the edge of the bed where I could reach my boxers on the floor. I was shy to stand naked before Wesley. He watched me dress without saying a word. I walked him to the front door and he kissed me again. His smile was happy, almost childlike.
“I’ll give you a call in a little while,” he said.
I closed the door after him and my heart started beating again. I looked around the living room and into the kitchen, amazed that everything looked the same. I couldn’t keep myself from smiling. I was really in love with him.
Chapter 14
WE HAD to present our History project in less than a week. Finals were just around the corner and the pressure was really beginning to build, but Wesley and I never seemed to get any work done. I finally had to impose a ten-minute time limit on making out so that we could actually do some homework. No matter how hard I tried to enforce the time limit, Wesley always managed to double (and even triple) the time.
“C’mon, Tor, I need more than ten minutes today,” Wesley pleaded as I took out my History folder and notebook. I shook my head and Wesley leaned into the sofa, crossing his arms and pouting. “You’re so mean.”
“We have to study,” I explained, trying to focus my attention.
Wesley slid next to me, forgetting all about his sullen mood, and kissed my neck. I trembled with his touch; I knew I would end up giving in. He pushed my notebook onto the floor and leaned forward, slipping his hand under my shirt. His lips, his fingers, his pulse—it all felt so good and I couldn’t stop myself. Being with Wesley was like having an addiction to some provocative drug; I gave in too easily. I pulled him closer and Wesley responded to my invitation, walking his fingers to the top of my blue jeans.
“Hey, it’s me. I forgot my….”
“M-Mom?”
She stood just inside the door. Her mouth hung open and her eyes widened. I pushed Wesley away as tears welled in my eyes.
“I… I can explain. We weren’t….” Mom stared at me without saying a word. “I… I’m… I’m sorry!” I cried.
Mom shook her head in disbelief. Or in fear. Or hatred. I didn’t know which, or if it was all three. Wesley stood up, glanced at me, and then dared to look in Mom’s eyes.
“I… should probably get going,” he said awkwardly, reaching down for his book bag.
“No. You stay,” Mom directed firmly. Wesley obediently sat down, his book bag at his feet. Mom shook her head and sighed deeply. She set her purse down on the kitchen table and rounded the sofa, sitting down across from me on the coffee table. I couldn’t imagine what she was feeling.
“I’m sorry!” I shouted through my tears, burying my face in my hands. She hated me. I was making her go through this all over again. How could she ever forgive me?
“Toren, calm down,” she said, lowering her face to look in my eyes. “Toren, I’m not angry. Or upset, or disappointed,” she said, but I was barely paying attention. I squeezed my eyes shut and my body shook with my sobs. “Oh, this is all my fault,” she whispered, touching her hand to her forehead.
“I’m… I’m sorry….” I whimpered pathetically. Then I felt her hand on my knee.
“Toren, listen to me. Toren?” She waited for me to look up at her, but I couldn’t. “I’m sorry, Toren. I’m so sorry,” she said, pressing down on my knee. “I should’ve talked to you sooner. I’m not upset, Toren. Are you listening?” I glanced up at her through blurry eyes and she smiled softly. “I’m not upset. I should’ve talked to you sooner. I knew what happened between your dad and me had an enormous effect on you and I said all those terrible things to him right in front of you. If I could, I would take them all back. But I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted you to be afraid to be yourself because of what I might think. I love you more than anything and I just want you to be happy. And to be honest, I’m proud of you. You did something your father couldn’t do until he was thirty-five. I’m proud that you were able to discover the truth about yourself while you’re still young. You won’t have to suffer the way he did for so many years.” I glanced up at Mom and her face was soft and kind, accepting, and my tears rolled freely down my cheeks. Mom lifted my chin, our eyes met, and she smiled. “And I think you have Wes, in part, to thank for that.”
I blushed and looked down. I could feel Mom and Wesley staring at me. Mom smiled at Wesley and my heart felt lighter. I rubbed at the tears in my eyes with the back of my hand and Mom tapped my knee with her index finger.
“I just want you to be happy, sweetheart. I never want you to feel like you have to hide because you’re afraid of what I might think.” She looked around the living room and scooted closer to me. “I hate to drop all this on you and then leave, but I gotta get back to work. I forgot my wallet and I gotta go,” she said, pushing down on her knees to stand up. She patted my head and trotted off down the hall.
I didn’t look at Wesley yet, just stared at the empty space where Mom had sat on the coffee table. A moment later, Mom returned with a large, brown wallet and stuffed it in her purse on the kitchen table. She kissed the top of my head and walked to the front door.
“I love you, sweetheart. I’ll see you later. You boys be good,” she said and then left.
After a long moment, when the whirlwind finally died down, Wesley leaned back into the sofa and put his feet up on the table. He laced his fingers behind his head and sighed noisily. He glanced at me sideways and then looked toward the ceiling.
“That was… pretty cool,” he said. “Your mom is really amazing.”
I nodded; my voice wasn’t settled yet. The tears receded a bit and I breathed in air as if I had been holding my breath for a long time. She didn’t hate me. She wasn’t disgusted. I was so afraid that she would never want to see me again. She said she was proud of me. She didn’t hate me.
“What exactly happened between your folks?” Wesley asked, rolling his head on the back of the sofa to look at me.
“They….” I cleared my throat and sniffled. “They got divorced when I was about twelve. My dad left her for… another man. She said all these horrible things to Dad, screamed them at him. We lived in kind of a small town, so everyone found out and eventually he moved away. Me and Alycia were teased about it and everyone kinda looked at Mom in a different way. Like it was her fault or something.”
“That must’ve been really hard… for both of them,” Wesley murmured, putting his arm around my shoulders.
He was right. It must’ve been so hard to find out that the person you love wasn’t in love with you. I couldn’t even imagine what that might feel like.
“But I guess I can understand how your dad felt. I mean, I struggled with my feelings for a while too,” Wesley considered aloud.
I looked down to my lap and my eyes welled up. I had always blamed my dad for what happened, but I guess it must’ve been hard for him too. To find the strength, the courage, to tell Mom the truth, to accept it himself, after so many years… after marriage and two kids.
I glanced at Wesley, his words echoing in my head. “You… you had trouble too?” It was hard to imagine; he was always so confident.
“Yeah,” he answered awkwardly, looking away. “I went out with girls because I was supposed to. But I didn’t feel anything. I mean, I would catch myself watching o
ther guys, but I just ignored the feeling. Then… then I saw you. I guess you were the first crush I ever really acknowledged. I wanted to talk to you, get to know you. I wanted to do more than that,” he said, blushing lightly. Then he looked up at me and a devilish grin replaced his awkward expression. “Heh, I mean, seriously, I can’t tell you how many times I jerked off thinking about you.”
My cheeks reddened, even my ears felt hot. He did it too?
Wesley stared at me and a smirk curled the corners of his mouth. “Hey, did you do it too? While thinking about me?”
“Wesley!” I scolded, my cheeks on fire. I couldn’t look at him and I was sure he figured out the truth.
“C’mon, I’m being honest. Just tell me. I won’t be mad if you didn’t think about me.”
He was really asking and I could see that his pride was on the line. Mortified, I confessed without words, nodding my head.
“I knew it!” he shouted delightfully, his pride in check. He inched closer to me, resting his hand on my knee. “But, seriously, I was always watching you. When I finally admitted that I had a crush on you, I couldn’t keep my eyes off you, but you were too dense to notice,” he said with a laugh, looking at me from the corner of his eye. “God, I was so nervous. The first time I talked to you, when you came over to my house….”
“What? You didn’t act like that at all!” I shouted and then I looked down bashfully. “Especially because of what you said.”
“What? What did I say?”
“You… you said that I looked at you… like I wanted you to… you know,” I stuttered. My heart was beating through my chest. Just remembering some of our first conversations excited me.
“I… what? Did I really?” he asked. Then he slapped his knee and looked up gleefully. “Oh yeah! I said that you looked at me like you wanted me to fuck you! I can’t believe I actually said that! I can’t believe you didn’t punch me in the face!” Wesley laughed heartily, enjoying my embarrassment, and I punched him in the arm, even if it was a little late.
Chapter 15
IT WAS finally the last day of school. The last day I would have to spend in the joyless halls of high school. It was a milestone, but it was a damn long day. My stomach tightened with anxiety and I went over my note cards for History again, but it didn’t help. I hated public speaking.
“Hey, whatcha doin’?” Wesley asked, sidling up beside me and dropping his book bag.
“What?” I asked absentmindedly, looking up at him. He took the note cards from my hands and fanned through them.
“Man, I just had my English final and it totally sucked. I don’t know why I even bothered studying,” he said, thudding back against the lockers.
I furrowed my brows at him. He didn’t actually study for English very much; he was more interested in getting my pants off. I looked down from the corners of my eyes and blushed. Wesley handed back the note cards.
“You ready for the presentation?” he asked.
“Yeah, I guess so. I just really hate public speaking.”
“I know. You’re so cute. You turn all red and stutter,” Wesley said with a grin.
“I… yeah, I know. I can’t help it,” I conceded.
“Well, don’t worry about it. I’ll be right next to you. And when we’re done, we’ll just start making out, okay? Our presentation will also be our coming out.”
“Wesley!” I snapped, glancing up and down the hall.
“You know, I heard on the news that sex before public speaking is supposed to be relaxing. So you want a quickie in the boys’ room before we’re up?”
“Wesley!” I scolded again. “You’re not helping!”
Wesley laughed and picked up his book bag just before the bell rang. He smiled warmly and patted my shoulder. “C’mon, you know this stuff inside-out. You’ll be fine.”
“WHERE ARE we going?” I asked. Wesley seemed to be driving aimlessly.
“I thought we’d go to our secret hiding place,” Wesley said, glancing at me, and then taking a hit of his cigarette. “I figured it’d be a good place to go to celebrate our first moments of freedom from the oppressive education machine.”
“Oppressive education machine?” I laughingly repeated. “Hmm, I’ll have to remember that one.”
The windows were rolled all the way down and the fresh air felt good. I finally closed the high school chapter of my life and I vowed never to set foot in that school again. High school sucked and I was glad to leave it behind. It was warm and sunny without a cloud in the sky and I took that as a confirmation: an end to the oppressive education machine.
Wesley pulled onto the shoulder of the road and we walked to the small alcove of trees hiding the algae-green pond, leaving our book bags in the car. We sat down on the fallen log and Wesley kissed me. I tasted the tobacco on his breath and realized how used to it I had gotten. He lit another cigarette and leaned back on his hands, looking up at the sky overhead. We talked about the summer and all the things we were going to do together. I wanted to take a trip to the beach, but it would have to be an overnight excursion since there were no beaches nearby.
Wesley interrupted my daydream when he pulled a joint out of his pack of cigarettes. He slid it underneath his nose then put it in his mouth. He leaned back as he searched for his lighter in his pocket.
“Smoke this with me,” he said.
“I don’t know….”
“Oh, c’mon. You already did it once, so what’s the big deal? Besides, you’ll probably get high this time, so it won’t be a waste,” he urged, burning the tip then inhaling deeply. He held it out to me and I took it hesitantly. “You remember how, don’t you?”
I nodded and brought the joint to my lips, breathing in cautiously and then breathing in again. The smoke filled my lungs and I exhaled fully, watching the stream of smoke from my mouth. I smiled shyly and Wesley congratulated me, patting my back and taking the joint. We passed it back and forth and I experienced only one coughing fit. When we got to the roach, Wesley put it out and dropped it in his cigarette pack. I looked at the pond and rubbed the tops of my legs with my palms.
“I feel kinda funny,” I said, starting to swing my legs back and forth.
“Funny good? Or funny bad?” Wesley asked, smiling with an arched eyebrow.
“Funny good,” I said with a giggle.
“Yup, you’re definitely stoned, Mr. Grey,” he announced and slapped my back. Mr. Grey sounded funny to me. “You’ve been smiling since your third toke.”
“I have?” I asked, touching my face with my fingertips. I giggled again.
Wesley laughed softly and rested his hand on my leg. “Kiss me.”
“Okay,” I agreed and leaned into him. He slid his tongue between my lips and when I closed my eyes, the sensation rippled through my body. I kissed him with every sense escalated and it felt so good. Before I knew it, Wesley unbuttoned my blue jeans and pulled down the zipper. I jumped back and looked around cautiously. “Wait! Wh-what are you doing?”
“Relax. There’s no one around for miles,” Wesley assured me, continuing to push his hand down my pants.
I responded to his touch, the mere hint of it. Wesley grinned at me and I finally admitted to myself that I was really horny. I wondered if this was how Wesley felt all the time.
“Wesley!” I protested, remembering how out in the open we were.
“Oh, come on,” Wesley urged. “On the off chance that someone comes by, I’ll just tell them that you… were bit by a snake and I’m just… sucking out the poison.”
“What?”
Wesley yanked down my pants and gasped. “Oh no! It’s swelling up! And rigor mortis has already set in! I’ve got to hurry!”
“What?”
Wesley laughed and then licked the tip tenderly. He moved his hands to the base and then dropped his mouth around me. He sucked and licked feverishly. I moaned quietly and he pulled me closer and deeper into his mouth, moving his hand to my backside. My legs trembled and I grasped his shoulders.
“Oh, wow….”
Wesley stopped and looked up at me with a grin at the corner of his mouth. “Did you just say wow?”
I looked down at him in my lap, his brown hair falling in his eyes, the grin on his lips. My whole body felt warm and tingly. “Don’t stop!” I pleaded, forgetting about the joint we just smoked, the fresh open air, the fear of being caught. Wesley was the only real thing in this world.
“Yes, sir,” Wesley said, and then sucked hard on me until I came in his mouth and down his throat, which didn’t actually take too long.
I panted and gasped for air, Wesley bracing me and keeping me from toppling over. I held to his arms and sighed, the world slowly coming back to me.
“Oh God… I thought I was gonna die,” I whispered. I took deep breaths, remembering the fevered sensations, and reached my hand out to the top of Wesley’s blue jeans and the bulge pushing out just beneath. Wesley held my hand steady and shook his head.
He pulled me to my feet and kissed me deeply. “Let’s go back to your place.”
Chapter 16
IT WAS unseasonably warm for mid-June and the auditorium wasn’t air-conditioned. The ceremony was needlessly long and rather boring. By the end, everyone in the audience used their programs as fans and from the stage, it looked like a whole bunch of giant, white butterflies. I felt dizzy from the heat, but I managed to walk all the way across the stage without tripping. I fingered the rolled sheet of paper with the red ribbon tied around it while the closing remarks were being made.
Outside, students gathered with their families, but the warm, summer breeze didn’t offer much relief. Mom took nearly a whole roll of film before she even let me take off the polyester cap and gown. Alycia flitted around, chatting with her friends in the graduating class until she found Wesley.
I blushed at the sight of him. He wore gray dress pants and a white, short-sleeve, button-down shirt with a black and gray striped tie. He looked really cute, even though his shoes didn’t match and his hair was all over the place. He seemed a little awkward in that kind of outfit, which made him all the cuter.