by J. M. Colail
Slides of plant material were already prepared and Josh and I took turns examining the cell structure and pattern. We wrote down our observations, and then swabbed the inside of our mouths with the swabs. We looked at Josh’s first, at the irregular cell shape and the lack of structure or pattern. The professor discussed the differences between the two and the benefits of each. I prepared my slide, smearing the swab on the glass, and then clipping it under the microscope. I looked closer and saw tiny, little things moving around. Josh looked at the slide and saw them too.
“What are those things?” I asked, looking through the microscope again.
Josh shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Should we ask the professor?” I said, looking around the classroom. Professor Kitner was across the room.
“Sure,” he said, raising his hand. The professor nodded and walked over. “What are these things?” Josh asked as Professor Kitner leaned over the microscope.
Professor Kitner’s body twitched and he stood up suddenly, looking at Josh. “Whose slide is this?” he asked.
“It’s mine,” I answered, concerned by his unusual reaction. Professor Kitner looked at me and stepped closer. “What is it?” I asked, starting to feel a little worried.
The professor leaned close and whispered, “It’s sperm.”
My body froze. My heart stopped beating. My face turned white. I was sure I was going to die of embarrassment.
“It’s nothing to worry about,” Professor Kitner said with a friendly smile. “When was the last time you ate? It’s just enzymes breaking down residual foodstuff. That’s all,” he said, patting my shoulder and walking away to another lab table.
I took a deep breath and Josh was watching me. My whole face turned bright red and I didn’t know what to do. Josh didn’t hear what the professor said, did he?
There were fifteen minutes of class left and it was the longest fifteen minutes of my life. Professor Kitner reviewed our observations and reminded us of an exam coming up next Thursday. He dismissed the class and I gathered my things together as quickly as I could. I had to keep myself from running out of the room.
“Oh, Toren, just a minute,” Professor Kitner said.
My heart sunk down into my toes. I walked up to his desk, staring at the floor, where he was leafing through the observation sheets we turned in. He didn’t say anything until the classroom was empty.
“Sorry, Toren. I just wanted to talk to you real quick,” Professor Kitner said, standing up and coming around the side of the table. He folded his arms and leaned back. I gripped my hands into fists at my sides and I felt tears welling that I desperately tried to keep hidden. “I wanted to tell you not to worry. These things happen and it’s not like I’m going to hold it against you or anything. So, don’t worry about it, okay? It’s not a big deal.”
His words were kind, but they did nothing to settle my embarrassment. I dug my fists into my thighs and nodded weakly. I still stared at the ground because I knew I would start crying if I looked up.
“Also, I wanted to let you know that there’s an LGBT club on campus. They meet Thursdays at seven o’clock in room 212 of the U-Mall. So, if you’re interested, I’d really like you to come to one of the meetings, just to see what it’s all about. I’m the faculty advisor for the club and I really think you might like it,” he said, uncrossing his arms and standing up straight.
I nodded again while still looking at the floor. It was the “gay club” Mom had suggested I join after going to orientation. Professor Kitner stepped closer to me and smiled warmly.
“I know this must’ve been embarrassing,” he said, patting my shoulder lightly. “But, if it makes you feel any better, I’m gay. So, honestly, don’t worry about what happened today. Okay?” I glanced up at Professor Kitner’s smiling, confident face and truly, I did feel a little bit better. Since he was like me, maybe he understood it better. “Well, that’s all I wanted to say. I’ll see you in class, then,” he said and smiled again.
I nodded, whispered, “thank you,” and left as fast as I could. I did feel a little better, but it didn’t ease the mortifying embarrassment of what had happened. I just wanted to get home so I could mope without interruption.
“Hey, welcome home. How was school?” Wesley said as I walked in the front door.
I was glad to see him, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was all his fault. It was his sperm after all. I just wanted a little time to cry by myself. I dropped my book bag like it was full of lead and tears streamed down my face.
“Whoa, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” Wesley asked, coming to me and wrapping his arms around my back. I sniffled and realized how glad I was that he was here.
“I…. I just had the worst day of my life,” I sobbed, clinging to him and burying my face in his chest.
“What happened? Are you okay?” He led me to the sofa and sat down next to me. “Take a deep breath,” he said, putting his hand on my knee. “What happened?”
I took deep breaths and my bottom lip quivered. I rubbed my eyes and stared at my lap. “I… I was in my bio lab class and we had to look at plant and animal cells under the microscope. We had to take a swab from inside our mouths and there were these… little things moving around.”
Wesley watched me and rubbed my back. The look on his face was curious, but it seemed that, maybe, he knew what I was going to say. His hand slid down my back as he asked what those little things were. I narrowed my eyes as a faint grin spread across his lips.
“It was sperm, stupid! Your sperm! ’Cause you made me do that right before class!” I shouted, crossing my arms and pouting. Instead of taking responsibility and sharing my embarrassment, he was laughing! “It’s not funny!” I yelled, pushing Wesley away.
“Oh. Oh God, yes it is!” Wesley panted, trying to calm his laughter. “I’m sorry, but it really is!”
“No it’s not, stupid! Stop laughing! It’s not funny!” I shouted, crossing my arms on my chest again.
“I’m sorry, really,” he said, wrapping both arms around me. “Are you okay? If you want, I’ll take full responsibility. I’ll even go to your next class and explain that it was mine, okay?” He said it with such a serious face that I didn’t realize he was making fun of me. Tears rolled down my cheeks again and Wesley wiped them away. “I’m sorry. I won’t tease you anymore. I’m sorry. So what happened then?”
I wiped my nose with the back of my hand and took another deep breath. “Well, Professor Kitner whispered it to me, so I don’t think anyone else heard. And then he said something about enzymes or something, so that Josh wouldn’t figure it out.”
“Who’s Josh?”
“My lab partner. But, then, after class, Professor Kitner wanted to talk to me. He told me not to worry about it, but I can’t help it. He told me… but maybe he was just trying to help. He told me that he’s gay too and he’s also the advisor for the LGBT club on campus. He wanted me to go to one of the meetings,” I rambled.
“Well, it could’ve been a hell of a lot worse. I think he was right though, so don’t worry about it,” Wesley said. “If he told you that he was gay and about the club, I think he just wanted to make you comfortable. So, yeah, don’t worry about it.”
Wesley ruffled my hair and I leaned into him. Maybe he was right; it was really embarrassing, but Professor Kitner did cover for me and keep it secret.
“Oh yeah. Earlier, when you said it was sperm, you emphasized that it was mine. So who else’s would it be?” he asked, narrowing his eyes playfully.
“Dummy,” I muttered. “And just so you know, I’m never doing that to you again,” I said, pinching his arm and finally smiling a little.
“Aw, no! Say you don’t mean it! I’m sorry, Tor! Honest! Please, don’t say that!”
Chapter 29
I SURVIVED somehow. The humiliation and embarrassment of that day slowly became a memory. I was nervous about going to bio class, but my apprehension was laid to rest. Professor Kitner didn’t say anything about what happene
d and he didn’t act strangely or treat me differently. He reminded me of the LGBT club meetings each Thursday and I decided I would go to the next one. I thought that if I attended, I might gain more confidence in myself. I was comfortable with my sexuality—that wasn’t the problem—but I worried too much about what other people thought.
“Toren? You okay?”
“What?” I looked up and Josh was closing his notebook. I was thinking so hard I hadn’t even realized that class had ended. “Oh, sorry. I must’ve spaced out for a sec,” I said, clearing my mind and closing my notebook.
Professor Kitner was collecting the observation sheets and reminded us of the test on Thursday. I quickly scribbled some notes onto my observation sheet that Josh let me copy before Professor Kitner got to our lab table.
“You wanna study for the test together?” Josh asked, shouldering his book bag and leaning against the solid black tabletop.
“Yeah, that’d be great,” I said, jamming my notebook in my book bag. “Oh, but I’ve got a night class tomorrow.”
“Oh. Damn. Well, you wanna do it tonight? If you’re not busy?”
“Yeah, I can do that. Let’s go to the library then.” I liked studying with someone else; I always seemed to do better when I had someone to study with.
“Okay, but… I’m kinda hungry,” Josh said, placing his hand on his stomach.
“Oh, then let’s go to the U-Mall. The food court’s open ’til nine, right?”
“Uh… yeah. Okay, let’s do that.”
I called Wesley and left a message that I was going to be late when Josh went to the bathroom. I told him to heat up the beef stew in the fridge, but I somehow doubted he would do that. He was probably dining on beer, potato chips, and ice cream.
“So, how do you like college so far?” Josh asked, taking a bite of the sandwich he bought. He offered to buy something for me, but I declined. I would probably have the rest of the stew when I got home. “Better than high school?”
“Yeah, tons better. I was so happy when I graduated from high school. I vowed never to step foot in that place again,” I said, flipping through my notebook.
“Yeah, I hear you. I didn’t like high school either. Actually, I hated high school. I was such a nerd back then. Well, I guess I still am. But….”
“C’mon! Nerds are the new ‘cool,’” I said, especially because I could include myself in that category. Josh laughed and nodded his head.
“Did you go to school around here?” he asked.
“Yeah. I went to Lincoln. Where did you go?”
“I didn’t live around here. About three hours away.”
“Oh, do you live in the dorms then?”
“Not anymore, but I did, my first year. I have an apartment now.”
“That’s so cool! I always wanted to live in the dorms, but I’m only about ten minutes away.”
“Still live with your folks?”
“No, I live with my… roommate.” I looked down at the table. “Boyfriend” was on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t say it. I was disappointed in myself. If I had more confidence, I could’ve said it without caring what Josh or anyone else thought.
Josh finished his sandwich and we studied for an hour or two. I lost track of time and when I glanced at the clock, it was almost eight-thirty and I wanted to be home by nine.
“Oh! I gotta get going or I’m gonna miss the bus,” I said, packing up my things quickly.
“Huh? Don’t worry about it. I can give you a ride,” Josh said, resting his chin in the palm of his hand.
I glanced at the clock again. I wasn’t sure if I could make it to the bus stop on time. “Are you sure? I don’t wanna trouble you.”
“It’s okay. You said you live close, so I don’t mind,” he said, tilting his head and smiling.
“Thanks. I really appreciate it.”
We studied for another fifteen minutes, but then decided to call it a night. Josh drove a red Focus and took me home in half the time the bus ride would have taken. I thanked him for helping me study and for the ride while he smiled and shook his head.
“Oh, Toren. Wait a sec,” Josh said, getting out and walking around the back of his car by the time I turned around. “I almost forgot.”
Josh slipped his hand around the back of my head and kissed me. My body froze and I didn’t exactly know what to do. He pushed his tongue between my lips and before I could struggle to get away, I heard Wesley’s voice.
“Toren? What the hell is going on?” Wesley shouted, carrying a garbage bag in one hand.
I pushed Josh away and my stomach tightened. Wesley dropped the trash bag and I could see how angry he was. Of course he would be angry; I would be angry too if I saw Wesley kissing someone else. Just the thought made my stomach drop.
“What the hell are you doing?” he shouted.
I stared at the ground. I couldn’t believe what had just happened.
“Oh. You got a boyfriend?” Josh said. I could feel him staring at me.
“Yeah. He does,” Wesley answered for me. “And who the hell are you?”
“Sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t know you had a boyfriend. Honest,” Josh said, taking a step back with his hands up as a sign of concession. “Well, I should probably get going.” He passed Wesley and lowered his voice. “Sorry about that, seriously. He’s just so tempting, you know?”
“What?” Wesley yelled, watching him walk around the front of the car with narrowed eyes.
“See you in class, Toren,” Josh said with a faint grin.
Wesley glared at Josh until he drove away and then he looked at me. Tears rimmed my eyes and I gripped the strap of my book bag.
“So, who the hell was that?” Wesley asked without lifting his heavy gaze.
“Wesley, it… it’s not what you think.”
“Then what is it? You were kissing him!” His eyes flared with anger and my heart sank. Wesley lowered his gaze and his voice became quieter, but still tinged with anger. “So, were you really just ‘studying’?” he asked, glancing at me from the corners of his eyes.
“How—how can you ask that?”
“You were kissing him!” Wesley shouted again, his voice breaking with anger. His face was tense and he was grinding his teeth. I had never seen Wesley look like that before. His clenched fists relaxed like he had given up. He stooped and picked up the trash bag. “I have to take the garbage out.”
“Wesley! Please, listen to me!”
“I said, I have to take the garbage out. Just go inside,” he said, turning his back to me.
“Wesley….”
“I said, go inside!”
Tears rolled down my cheeks as he walked away from me. My shoulders slumped and my heart dropped, but I did as he said and went inside. I put my book bag down and waited by the door. Five minutes passed, then ten minutes, and Wesley still didn’t come back. I wrung my hands together. He had never yelled at me like that before. The door opened after a long fifteen minutes and Wesley stepped inside. He glanced at me and looked away quickly.
“Wesley.”
“There’s some stew left in the fridge if you want it,” he said and walked past me.
I reached out and grabbed Wesley’s hand. The look on his face pained me to the point that I felt I should be punished.
“Wesley, please! It’s not what you think, I swear! You have to believe me!”
Wesley stared at the floor and narrowed his eyes painfully. His voice was weak and he at once seemed so helpless. “But, you were kissing him….”
“I…. I didn’t want to. He surprised me. Wesley, I’m sorry.” I bit my bottom lip and looked up at Wesley. “I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want to do that with anyone but you,” I said, stepping closer and grasping his T-shirt in my hands. “You have to believe me.”
Wesley pulled my head to his chest and wrapped his strong arms around me. I heard his heart beating and his warmth on my cheek. He took a deep breath and squeezed me tighter. “I do believe you. But I j
ust don’t trust bastards like that asshole. So, don’t let anything like that ever happen again,” he said. I could feel his chin on the top of my head as he spoke. “You really have no idea how cute you are, how many guys check you out. I know you’re with me, but I can’t help but feel nervous that someone might try to steal you away.”
“Now you know how I feel all the time,” I said. “It makes me happy that people think you’re hot and proud that you chose to be with me. But it also makes me worry that someone might take you away from me.”
Wesley’s embrace slackened and he took my face in his large, hot hands. He stared long into my eyes and with the slightest grin, he brushed his thumb over my lips.
“Can I kiss you?” he asked in an awkward, yet seductive voice.
“Why are you asking?”
“I’m not even sure.”
“You’re the only one who doesn’t have to ask,” I whispered, closing my eyes and feeling his lips touch mine.
It was a simple kiss and he pulled back and looked into my eyes again. He took a deep breath and neared my lips again, staying longer and sucking my tongue. The kiss became deeper and stronger and I lost my breath.
“Tor, I love you so much I don’t even know what to do with myself,” he said, touching his forehead to mine.
“I love you too,” I murmured breathlessly. I kissed him sweetly, timidly, and wrapped my arms around his neck. “Make love to me.”
Wesley bent over and lifted me up. I kept my arms around his neck and my entire body throbbed with an aching longing that only this man could ease.
Chapter 30
“I’M LEAVING for work,” Wesley whispered, leaning down and kissing my ear. “So, I’ll see you tonight. Good luck on your test. Love you,” he said, brushing my shoulder blades with his fingertips.
I blinked my eyes and turned onto my back. “Wesley, wait,” I said, sitting up and looking down at my lap.
“Hmm?”
Wesley stopped and looked over his shoulder. His profile was outlined by the dim morning light and his features softened handsomely. I swallowed hard; my lower body had already responded to his alluring image.