Waiting for Baby

by Cathy McDavid

  “What about the girls?”

  “No problem. They like you.”

  “I meant, where would they sleep on the weekends? I don’t have enough bedrooms.”

  “Sleeping bags on the living room floor.”

  “That’ll go over big.”

  “Then we’ll stay at my house on those weekends.”

  “What about the rest of your family?”

  “Carolina thinks you’re great.”

  “Your parents don’t.”

  “That isn’t true. My mom was really happy when we first started dating.”

  “Yeah, but back then I wasn’t pregnant with a child that could have severe health issues. And you were in a slump because of Ellen’s engagement. Your mother was glad to see you moving on. It didn’t matter who with.”

  “She told me the other day how much she respects and admires you.”

  “Which isn’t the same as being ecstatic at the prospect of us marrying.”

  Lilly tensed and moved away. Only an inch or two but Jake noticed.

  “My parents will come around, just like the girls and Carolina have.”

  She shook her head. “How could we even have a wedding? I’m not allowed to stand up for longer than it takes to walk from the bedroom to the living room.”

  “We’ll get married here. In the solarium.”

  “On the chaise longue?”

  “Why not? We won’t invite many people. Have a justice of the peace perform the ceremony.”

  “I don’t want to get married lying down. And what about a dress?”

  “Your mom will help.”

  “I want to pick out my own dress.”

  “We’ll have a big wedding after the baby’s born. Invite everyone from the center.”

  “That’s a lovely idea, but no.”

  “Why wouldn’t you invite them?”

  She sighed as if he were being intentionally obtuse. “I meant no to a wedding, not to inviting the center’s clients. Which, now that you mention it, is another concern of mine.”

  “The clients?”

  “Kayla’s uncomfortable around them, and the center is a large part of my life.”

  “She’ll feel more comfortable in time.”

  “She’s a little girl and can’t control or evaluate her feelings.”

  “I’ll get Jimmy Bob to help.”

  “He may have Down’s syndrome but he’s physically fit, capable of learning and able to function independently to a certain degree. Nothing like Evan. How do you think Kayla will react to a brother with a misshapen head and shrunken limbs?”

  “You’re being unnecessarily harsh.”

  “I’m speaking from experience.”

  “I know she’ll get over her fears.”

  “Brad could hardly bear to look at Evan. It tore me apart to watch them together. I can’t go through that again.”

  “The fact is, none of this may come to pass.”

  “You can’t know for sure until it happens.” Lilly pushed up on one elbow. “And neither will I.”

  “I’ve supported you and stood behind you during this entire pregnancy. I’ve let you set the pace and call the shots, even when I didn’t agree with you.”

  “And I appreciate that.”

  He suppressed his irritation. “This is my baby, too, Lilly. I have a right to make some of the decisions regarding him—or her. Including giving the baby my name.”

  She opened her mouth to speak, then promptly closed it.

  “You can’t do it all alone. You’re going to need help,” he said before she’d regained her composure. “Especially if the baby’s born like Evan. I can be that help.”

  Her expression softened and for a moment, she was the Lilly he knew and understood. “I feel like I’m hurting you, and that’s not my intent. But you’re not facing reality. You have this fantasy of a perfect family. You and me, your daughters and our baby, all happy and healthy and loving.”

  “Don’t you have the same fantasy?”

  “Yes, on occasion. Then I remember what I went through with Evan and Brad.”

  “What exactly did your ex-husband do to you?”

  “Besides disappoint me and abandon me when I needed him the most?”

  “The death of a child should bring people closer together. It did for my parents, but I guess they’re the exception.”

  “So was Brad, but not the way you think.” Lilly’s voice dropped to a hush. “Evan was only two months old—not nine—when Brad packed his bags and left me. He never visited the hospital again after he moved out. Although he called regularly, I didn’t see much of him until Evan died. I was stupid enough to think he might want a reconciliation, but a week after the funeral, he served me with divorce papers.”

  Jake took a much-needed minute to recover. Lilly hadn’t told him that part of the story. “I’m sorry, sweetie. It must have been awful for you.”

  “Awful doesn’t come close to describing what I went through.”

  “I’m not like Brad. I won’t leave you.”

  She turned tear-filled eyes to him. “Do you love me, Jake?”

  “I…of course.”

  “I shouldn’t have to ask you that or insist you tell me.” Her smile was painfully sad.

  “No, you shouldn’t.” He considered saying the words now but realized they’d sound shallow and forced and that wouldn’t advance his cause. If only he’d said them at the hospital when he’d had the chance.

  “We can be parents to this child without being in love,” she said, folding her arms across her chest and hugging herself, “But we can’t have a good marriage without it.”

  “I wouldn’t have come here today with my grandmother’s ring if I didn’t love you.”

  “You asked me to marry you before—out of duty, not love.”

  “That was true once, but not anymore. I’ve changed since then.” He wished he could convince her he meant what he said.

  Her eyes pleaded with him to understand. “It would be different if we knew the baby was healthy.”

  “We would know if you’d consented to the tests when Dr. Paul first suggested them and it was safe.”

  She scowled and withdrew. “Now you sound like Brad.”

  Jake stood up, his boots hitting the tile floor with a thud. He could take pretty much anything she threw at him but he was tired of constantly being compared to her ex-husband.

  “I don’t get you sometimes.” He shoved his grandmother’s ring in his jeans pocket.

  If Lilly saw him do that, she gave no indication. “How so?”

  He swung around to face her. “You’re doing exactly what you got mad at me for doing six months ago.”

  “Which is?”

  “Slamming on the brakes just when the other person wants to step up the relationship.”

  “This is entirely different!”

  “Why? Because you’re the one doing the brake-slamming?”

  “I have a good reason.”

  “You have lots of reasons. I’m beginning to wonder if you stay up at night thinking of them.”

  “That’s not a very nice thing to say.”

  “I love you, Lilly. I want to marry you.” Jake stepped toward the door, or, more accurately, was propelled to move by a surge of resentment. “You’re right, I should’ve told you before, but I thought I was showing you how I felt by proposing.”

  “Jake, please don’t leave like this.” She pushed to a more erect position. “Can’t we just keep going on the way were until after the baby’s born? Then decide to get married?”

  “There’s something I’ve been wondering about you and Brad for a while now.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “Did Brad really leave you?”

  “Yes. Why would you ask me that?”

  She looked so vulnerable, sitting on the chaise while he loomed over her. If he hadn’t been so furious, if he hadn’t risked his ego, only to be kicked to the curb, he might have kept his stupid mouth shut.

  But Jake kn
ew he didn’t handle rejection well, in business or personally. He wouldn’t keep asking Lilly to marry him, wouldn’t keep offering to help her, only to be turned down. And he wouldn’t leave her house today without saying what was really bothering him.

  “I’m just wondering if maybe you misread the situation with Brad.”

  “I don’t think it’s possible to misread someone abandoning you.” Her eyes flashed with indignation.

  “Did he?” Jake started toward the door. “Or did he get tired of you always shutting him out?”

  “Is that what you believe I did?”

  “It’s what you’re doing to me, what you’ve been doing to me all along. And I’m finally getting the message.”

  She didn’t try to stop him, not that he would’ve gone back. His pride wouldn’t have let him.

  He walked through the kitchen and was glad to encounter Claire, back from her errands. Angry as he was, he didn’t like the idea of leaving Lilly alone.

  Claire took one look at him and blurted, “Did something happen? Is Lilly okay?”

  “She’s fine.”

  “Are you okay?” she asked with concern.

  He stopped in midstep. “Call me if you or Lilly need anything.”

  “That sounds like an I’m-not-coming-back line.”

  “Bye, Claire.”

  He nodded and left the woman he’d hoped would be his mother-in-law. His thoughts, however, were on her daughter, the woman he’d hoped would be his wife.

  How could something that had seemed so right a few hours ago turn so wrong?

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Physically, you’re doing great.” Dr. Paul packed her stethoscope into a black carrying case she’d set on the chest at the foot of Lilly’s bed. “I’m thinking we can upgrade you to modified moderate bed rest. At least on a trial basis. See how it goes.”

  “What does that involve?” Anything sounded better than the strict bed rest Lilly had been on for three solid weeks.

  “You can get up for four hours a day. Not one minute more.” Dr. Paul wagged a warning finger at Lilly. “Two two-hour intervals. One in the morning, one in the afternoon. The remainder of the time, bed and couch. If you continue to do well, I’ll consider increasing the four hours to six. But you have to be good.”

  “I will.” Lilly felt like a newly paroled prisoner. “I promise.”

  “No exercise, no lifting, no carrying, no driving and no walking long distances. If you have to go someplace, someone takes you. Sit as much as possible.”

  The restrictions didn’t leave Lilly many choices. Still, it was an improvement. Even sitting on a bench in the park up the road would be a refreshing change. Better yet, the one by the corrals at the ranch. She could watch the center’s clients ride Big Ben.

  On second thought, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. What if Jake showed up? They hadn’t spoken much since their argument last week. Though he called regularly to check on her, he talked mostly to her mother. The few times she’d answered the phone, the conversations had been short and stilted.

  If only he hadn’t proposed. They could have gone on the way they were until the baby was born.

  And what way was that? Her holding him at arm’s length?

  What Jake accused her of was true. Lilly had spent a lot of time this last week thinking. Convalescence was good for that. And she’d concluded that she’d been fooling herself if she’d believed a man like him would be satisfied with the arrangement simply because it was what she wanted.

  Not that it was the arrangement she’d wanted. She dreamed of the kind of close and loving marriage her parents had. And his parents. The kind of relationship she’d envisioned back when she and Jake had first started dating…

  When she hadn’t been afraid he’d leave her. Afraid he wouldn’t love her as much as she loved him.

  Fear ruled Lilly’s life and had from the day she’d learned she was pregnant. Fear she’d miscarry. Fear the baby would be born like Evan. Fear Jake would abandon her like Brad. And as much as she wished she could conquer it, she couldn’t. It ate away at her like acid, and she was powerless to stop it.

  She told herself she’d refused Jake’s proposal in order to protect him from hurt and give him an out. In truth, she was the one who wanted protection, who wanted an out. She who was afraid to make the commitment he did so easily.

  But knowing the motivation behind her actions didn’t change the outcome or bring her insight into how to fix it. But, oh, if only she could fix her relationship with Jake.

  Because her greatest fear these days was that if the baby was born normal and healthy—as increasingly seemed to be the case—she would have pushed Jake out of her life, out of their lives, for nothing.

  “Did you call Karen DeSalvo?” Dr. Paul asked.

  “Who?” Lilly blinked to clear her head.

  “She’s the psychologist whose name I gave you at the hospital.”

  “No, I haven’t.”

  Dr. Paul sent Lilly one of her trademark kind smiles. “I wish you would. She’s very good and very compassionate.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Is that why you drifted off for several minutes just now?” She patted Lilly’s hand, the gesture doctorly. “What you’re going through would depress anyone. For someone who’s lost three children, it must be excruciating. The inactivity, the seclusion, the solitude, can’t be helping.” Dr. Paul scratched something on a piece of paper. “Talking to someone, learning what you can do to cope, might make the remaining weeks easier.”

  Lilly fingered the note with the name and phone number Dr. Paul gave her. “Now that I’m able to get up and out for a few hours a day, I’m sure my frame of mind will improve.”

  “I hope so. And that you’ll continue to do well. Returning to strict bed rest can be rough once you’ve had a taste of freedom.”

  “I’ll take it very easy so that doesn’t happen.”

  “Forgive me for being nosy but, as my patient, your welfare, and that of your baby, is critical to me.” Dr. Paul tilted her head inquiringly. “I’m curious to know if there’s more to your despondency than the pregnancy.”

  “There isn’t.”

  “Jake called me the other day.”

  Lilly pulse tripped. “He did?”

  “He asked how you were doing.”

  “What did you tell him?”

  “Nothing, of course. I’m prohibited by law, which I explained to him. His call, however, concerned me, especially when he indicated that you and he weren’t talking much.”

  “We had an argument last week.”

  “Well, it’s understandable and not unexpected. This is a trying period for both of you. Add to that the fact that your hormones are out of whack, you’re on a variety of medications, several with significant side effects, and you’ve been confined to bed. No matter how sympathetic a man is, and Jake is sympathetic, he can’t fully relate to what you’re going through. He certainly can’t if you don’t discuss it with him.”

  She sighed. “I realize I need to quit dodging his phone calls.”

  “Karen DeSalvo can help you both. Please consider making an appointment.”

  “I will.”

  “I have to go.” Dr. Paul patted Lilly’s hand again before rising. “Remember, don’t do too much on the outings. And if there’s the slightest change or problem, call me immediately.”

  After a final exchange, Dr. Paul left. Lilly put the piece of paper with the psychologist’s name and number on it aside. She would think about calling, but not today. First things first. She had two hours of freedom ahead of her and she knew exactly what she wanted to do with them.

  “Mom!” she called, slowly sitting up. Her bare toes touched the carpeted floor.

  “Honey, what are you doing?” Claire exclaimed on seeing her.

  “I’ve been paroled. Sort of.”

  Lilly explained her modified bed-rest routine while she changed into regular clothes, combed and rebraided her hair and dabbed on a sma
ll amount of makeup. When she’d finished, her mood was better than it had been in weeks.

  “I need you to drive me somewhere,” she said.

  “Where?” Claire answered.

  Lilly’s eyes sparkled back at her from the bathroom mirror.

  “I want to stop by work.”

  LILLY LIVED fifteen minutes from the center. She figured she could spend well over an hour there before having to return home and to the couch. Long enough to visit everyone and solve the one or two problems that surely needed her attention.

  The streets and buildings she and her mother passed on the drive to Horizon looked a little strange to Lilly. Familiar, yet different somehow. It made her realize how much being confined to her house for weeks had affected her, and she appreciated her reprieve that much more.

  It also made her miss Jake. He’d become a vital and intricate part of her life and, despite their argument, always would be. They’d created a child together, a healthy one, God willing, and would be forever tied to each other because of that, regardless of the outcome.

  Had she been able to conquer her fears, overcome her mistrust, stop making excuses, their bond might not be one distanced by many miles and with communications conducted through third parties.

  The thought was a sobering one.

  And not her first in the week since Jake had left.

  She’d blamed Brad for leaving her because it was easier than admitting her part in the demise of their marriage. Easier to hold her head high after the horrible manner in which he’d handled their divorce. She’d blamed him because, in her mind, he’d deserved it.

  Jake wasn’t anything like her ex-husband and Lilly couldn’t believe she ever thought he was. He’d forced her to examine her former marriage and ask what came first? Brad’s withdrawal or her pushing him away?

  There were days Lilly wasn’t sure which—and days she knew and didn’t like the answer. Was it too late to change? She hoped not.

  “We’re here,” Claire singsonged.

  The sign in the parking lot triggered a sudden pang in Lilly’s chest. It seemed as if she’d been away from the center for years instead of weeks. It wouldn’t surprise her to find new faces among the familiar ones.

  What she hadn’t expected to see was a woman sitting behind her desk, head bent over a calculator. Shock rendered Lilly immobile. Her mother had to nudge her along.