FLAMENCO BABY

by Radford, Cherry

  ‘I don’t know, Ginny. He’s less sleepy but… not himself. But every day there’s little improvements. Yes, he’d love to see you… That’s fine, and you’re welcome to my sofabed… No, best to sleep here, he needs his space at the moment.’ And you don’t want to be in his space at the wrong moment.

  ‘I don’t know, Charlotte, I can’t think that far ahead… Well for Jeremy it is… Of course I’d love to, would you believe Javi’s on tour the whole of half-term… Minorca might be too hot for Jeremy in his present… To be honest I don’t think he’d cope with the kids’ noise… Sorry, yes I did. Thanks so much, I’m sure Jeremy will pay you back when he’s…’

  ‘I don’t know… I will ask Ginny… No, Emma’s got her hands full at the weekends, what with her mother… No, that wouldn’t be fair on you… I’ll try and get hold of her in the next few days… Yes maybe next weekend… Muchos besos…’

  ‘Nando wants to talk to you.’ He handed me the phone.

  ‘Qué tal?’ I asked.

  ‘Don’t give me how-are-you, why you not call, give me the new number? You are cross with me?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Something happen?’

  ‘No!’ I went over to the windowsill as if to stroke Pavlova. ‘Sorry, I…’

  ‘Is difficult to talk?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I can say my number and you remember it? Call me later, say how he is.’

  ‘Yes.’

  Jeremy’s smile had faded. ‘Why are you so unfriendly,’ he was muttering over the number Nando was giving me.

  ‘Sorry, couldn’t hear you,’ I said, putting a finger to my lips and smiling at Jeremy. Although it rather looked like Jemery might have taken his place. ‘Tell me again?’

  He said the number. Twice. Pavlova was in cahoots and padded along the windowsill to where I’d left the shopping list. I scribbled it down and quickly tore off the corner.

  ‘Right! Well that must have been great!’ I improvised, making Nando laugh.

  ‘Tell him all the audience in Minsk were clapping and stamping feet for ten minutes. Is good the doctor is happy with Jeremy, no? And how is your finger?’

  ‘Not as achy. But I’ve got to have the splint for another two hideous weeks.’

  ‘Is important to do it right. Ah Yoli… I think of you and Jeremy all the time. You give one to the other a strong abrazo from me, no?’

  ‘Yes. I’ll pass you back.’

  He chatted with Nando a bit longer then put the phone down. Fixed me with his eyes.

  Like he’d done on Wednesday.

  ‘Nando said we have to give each other a hug from him.’ He didn’t say anything, so I sat down and put my arms round him; Jemery wasn’t sure but Jem leaned into me.

  Then a sudden surge of unexpected energy, his hands taking my shoulders. ‘I’m sorry about it, but you have to stop this.’

  My heart started racing, remembering…

  You have to stop hating him for not falling in love with you, he’d said on Wednesday.

  ‘Stop what?’ I asked.

  ‘No, no, yes, yes, yes I’ll pass you back. Like a robot.’

  ‘No, it was a nice chat.’

  ‘You have to be friends. Good friends. Get over your…’

  Get over wanting him for yourself and give in, he’d said.

  ‘Please Jeremy, believe me, it’s all fine.’

  It was true; Nando and I were friends now. But it wasn’t completely fine, and somehow - perhaps injury of one part of the brain enhances another - he could sense that.

  It’s not just him. I know what you want, I’ve always known, he’d said.

  How could I change the track of his thoughts? Not by doing what I did on Wednesday, telling him he was out of order and stamping back to my flat like a nanny giving time out. Only to receive that call that would drag me straight back again: Come quickly, I need you now. Now, now NOW!

  ‘Nando doesn’t think I’m unfriendly, does he?’

  ‘He thinks you’re adorable. But that’s not enough for you, is it.’

  ‘It’s more than enough. Please Jeremy, don’t start this again, please…’

  I’d burst in, fearing he was hurting himself. But quite the opposite. He was pleasuring himself, standing there holding his erection. Telling me he knew what I wanted. He loved me, so he could do it. As I could see, he’d said with a chuckle.

  ‘You’re crying,’ he said. He wouldn’t let me go, his eyes widening. He held my face in his hands. ‘I need to know. Is it a dream, or did I…?’

  ‘It wasn’t you, Jeremy. And nobody else is ever going to know.’

  ‘Oh God.’ Laughing. Crying. ‘But are you ever going to really forgive me?’

  ‘There’s nothing to forgive.’

  It was time to tell him about Jemery.

  Chapter 25

  visita f visit

  ‘Are you coming or what?’ Jemery, but at least he was dressed.

  ‘And good morning to you too,’ Ginny said, hastily buttoning her purple sundress.

  ‘What happened to knocking first?’

  ‘Assumed you’d be up. I’m starving.’

  We followed him through to his flat. Ginny asked how he was.

  ‘Tired. Couldn’t sleep, wondering what you two were nattering about.’

  ‘Oh… lots of things,’ I said. Including their brief physical relationship, about which little was recalled other than the fact that it had soon fizzled down into a friendship. ‘Mostly talking about Andrew, actually.’

  He picked up Pavlova and sat down on the sofa with her. Studied the plastic jewels in her collar. It was only twelve hours or so since Ginny had told us how all those years of him putting in a good word for her with Andrew had finally paid off; he was going to take her on and she had some flats to look at on Sunday. He’d been so pleased for her; shouldn’t that feeling have left a little dent in his brain? He nodded slowly. No more agitated repeating of words, nowadays he just waited for you to go on, hoping something would set off a spark and make the memory catch fire.

  ‘Great that Andrew’s going to employ her, isn’t it? And one of the flats she’s looking at is just minutes from us.’

  ‘For God’s sake Yol, I know, you don’t have to keep repeating everything. I’m not your kid.’

  I looked out of the window and was surprised to see the cafe opposite wobble with a watery blur; he’d said worse things to me. But I had a sudden urge to tell Jemery to fuck off and go and find Jeremy; apart from anything else, he should have been pleased that I’d made such rapid progress with Ginny. I said I had to go and check my phone.

  ‘Okay, time out,’ I said to myself back in my flat, flopping onto the sofa and closing my eyes. I wanted to call Javi but there wasn’t time before Ginny completed her mound of perfect pancakes. Javi: that’s who I needed. If I hadn’t spent the whole of Ginny’s last visit with a migraine I could have got to know her then, maybe have been able to leave Jeremy with her and be in Granada now.

  I could tell they’d been talking about me; Jeremy came over and gave me a hug. We sat down at the table, Ginny at the head with the two of us either side of her.

  ‘I’ve got an idea,’ she said. ‘You need some more sleep, Jeremy, so I suggest that you go back to bed while—’ He started to protest. ‘No, listen. While you’re having a kip I’ll mow your grass and soak up some rays on it with Yol. If you feel up to it later maybe we could go on a short outing. Regent’s Park, perhaps?’

  ‘Go and get your glasses, Jeremy. And your cap - can’t be good to get your wound sunburnt.’

  ‘Glasses?’ Ginny asked, adjusting hers.

  ‘Yes. He needs them for reading.’

  ‘No I don’t,’ he said. ‘It’s just temporary - they’ve got something in them to stop me seeing double.’

  ‘Okay, okay, but just get them so you can have a look at these,’ I said, waving the estate agents details at him.

  He yawned and disappeared back indoors, came out again some while late
r and put them on. He tilted his head to one side and looked at the details about the flat in Colebrooke Row. ‘Tiny. But a bit of garden and near the canal - lovely.’

  There was no longer anything lovely about the canal; it was a dangerous place that had nearly taken him away from me forever. In fact the whole area, with its tinging and whizzing bikes, had lost its appeal. But he couldn’t remember anything about the accident, stubbornly asserting that it had happened on the road above the bridge. I lay back and tried not to hear the shout, scream, whirring and…

  Ginny patted my shoulder. ‘You stay there and gather your energies. Jeremy and I’ll clear up a bit and then we’re ready to go, yes?’

  I smiled and closed my eyes. Jemery seemed to have disappeared for now; I could hear banter in the kitchen. Giggling. Like on one of the school’s rooftop terraces in Granada; I was lying over the chairs, Javi performing an operation on my heart like we were a couple of five-year-olds. The heart he’d since ripped out and was trying to put back in again. But warmer… I was on the beach at Beauport… No, St Aubin’s, the flap-flap of the sails… The hiss of the waves in Cádiz, Jeremy telling me to put creme on my face or he’d do it, Nando pinging open the bottle and laughing, Spanish in my ear, nearer, insistent… A kiss on the lips.

  I woke with a start. He was there. Not Nando, Javi. ‘Oh! How did you get—?’

  ‘I couldn’t wait any longer.’

  He kissed me, examined my bound fingers, then carefully pulled me off the sunlounger so I was in his arms on the towel. Under him on the towel.

  ‘Get off, they’ll come out in a—’

  ‘They went to the zoo.’ His hand under my bra. ‘Come, let’s go inside.’

  A tingling warmth spread through me, but also a nervous reluctance.

  ‘Did you have lunch?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes, so—’

  ‘How about a cerveza and a piece of Ginny’s organic banana bread thing?’

  He closed his eyes and breathed out. ‘Oh… si insistes.’

  I went to the kitchen, thinking perhaps it would be easier once we’d… I needed to just get the first-time-after over with. He came in to help me, took the tray outside to the little table next to the Mexican orange blossom.

  ‘You eat here a lot with Jeremy in the summer?’

  ‘When we can. It gets the late afternoon sun.’

  He put down his beer. ‘Too much, I will leave it. I’m very good now, with this.’

  I nodded; so he damn well should be.

  ‘Really, I have found I like the San Miguel sin alcohol. And I put water with wine.’

  I nodded again. Looked at his hand and imagined it touching Violeta.

  ‘Is important, I need clear head. Is not very flamenco, but is best for me.’

  ‘And for me too.’

  He looked down at his plate. ‘I’m so sorry, Yoli. And she is too.’

  ‘She’s sorry?’

  ‘She knows very well how you feel… She is a person complicated and egocéntrica, but kind. And one day she would like to meet you.’

  ‘Well… I don’t think so. But then unless I avoid the Darro for the next… When d’you think she’ll go back to Madrid?’

  He shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Still she can’t dance.’ He took my hand. ‘Is why you don’t want to come to Granada to see me?’

  ‘No, of course I want to.’

  ‘Then… why you didn’t come this weekend? Ginny is looking after Jeremy.’

  ‘Well, I wasn’t sure she could.’

  ‘If you asked her, like you said—’

  ‘No, I mean I wasn’t sure she would be able to cope with him. He’s unpredictable, you don’t know the half of it.’

  He leaned back in his chair. ‘I know both halfs. One half is you want to look after him, the other is you don’t want to share him with this woman.’

  ‘What? Look, it’s been difficult to think straight, about anything, about anybody… Mostly I’ve just been trying to get through each day, keep my eyes open… You’ve no idea what it’s been like…’ I went inside to find a tissue.

  He followed, put his arms round me as I blew my nose.

  ‘D’you want to talk about it? What’s he—’

  ‘Not now. He’s having a good day. And… there’s you.’ I kissed him, felt him push against me; but the hurt was still there.

  He led me through to my flat, went in to the bathroom and turned on the taps. ‘I have an idea. We have big bath together, wash away these tears and worries… When we come out, no more of this, entiendes? Enjoy our weekend.’

  ‘As simple as that?’

  ‘If we want, yes.’

  Fluffy arms round my neck.

  ‘Oh! He’s beautiful! Like Lem but… what is he?’

  ‘A red-ruffed lemur. Thought they’d go well, one dark, one fair - like Nando and me.’

  Not an uncommon name, and Javi knew Jeremy had had a few Spanish boyfriends, but perhaps I needed to somehow remind Jeremy…

  ‘Oh, and something else for you. We went into Sadler’s on the way and managed to pick up tickets for Rambert on Tuesday.’

  ‘Tuesday?’

  ‘What’s the matter?’

  ‘Well perhaps I forgot to tell you… we’ve got tickets for Thursday with Emma.’

  He studied me for a moment, his face pale again, features twisted with the effort to recall. ‘Did you tell me or not?’

  ‘Yes. But look, we’ll love seeing them twice, and we deserve it.’

  ‘Quite. That’s what I thought. We need to get out,’ he said, smiling at the others. ‘In fact, let’s all go out this evening. My treat. Two votes each, mine are Thai and Greek. What’s the name of that new Thai, Yol? I wrote it down somewhere…’

  He disappeared inside. I could see through the window that he was opening the cupboard for an ibuprofen.

  ‘He’s had enough, we can’t do this.’

  ‘It’s my fault,’ Ginny said. ‘We should have left earlier, but he just…’

  ‘Won you round with sweetness one moment, bullying the next?’

  Ginny nodded.

  Jeremy came out onto the steps. ‘The River Thai, that’s it. Does everyone like—?’

  ‘We can get take-away, eat here in the garden?’ Javi suggested.

  ‘This is England, Javi. In an hour’s time we’d have to be eating in our overcoats. I’ll give them a ring.’

  ‘Jeremy - another time. You’ve done enough for—’

  He turned back and glared at me. ‘For God’s sake Yol, it’s my head, okay? I’m absolutely fine.’

  I started picking at the grass.

  ‘I’ll get an early table, we’ll be back in time for you to tuck me up in bed at half nine, okay? And you two’ll still have plenty of evening left for making babies.’

  Then Javi was picking at the grass. There was a wrinkling of Jeremy’s brows, the look he had when he remembered there was something to remember. He went back indoors.

  Javi stroked my arm. ‘Maybe he calms down with a meal. We will not be late, it will be okay.’

  It started with an argument about the wine: we didn’t need two bottles when I wasn’t drinking, he shouldn’t be and Javi would only be having one glass - prompting a further comment about fertility. I gave him a kick; he winced and opened his mouth to protest but then closed it again, looked down at his napkin.

  The food came. Javi was right, he seemed to calm down. Ginny said she’d love to hear the concert we’d given Jeremy; I was touched that memory hadn’t been obliterated. Javi told them about our new pieces with titles from the sights in Madrid - even though neither of us had ever been there.

  ‘Never been to Madrid?’ Jeremy asked.

  ‘Well I hope soon, with the group…’

  ‘Lovely this time of year. I’m going next week.’

  Nando was supposed to be waiting for me to tell him when I thought Jeremy was well enough to visit him.

  ‘Not next week, but as soon as you’re ready to, when you’ve got the en
ergy to get the most out of—’

  ‘I’m going, Nando’s sorted out the flights. He’s there for a week and wants me to join him, thought it would do me good.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Please don’t make a fuss, he’s made me promise to siesta every day, I’ll be fine.’

  I went to the loo and called Nando. Spanish voicemail; of course, he was stamping his feet and showing his perfect outline to a crowd of Czechs this evening. Bloody man, what the hell was he thinking? Or maybe it was my fault for keeping some of Jeremy’s more extreme behaviour to myself. I sent him an angry text and went back to the table.

  Ginny wasn’t there, she was talking to our waiter the other side of the room, giving me a cheque-writing hand sign and a weary smile. Jeremy and Javi had run out of conversation. Or rather, run into a conversation and collided, each painfully holding their head in their hands.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I don’t know, it just didn’t come up,’ I said, hanging up my jacket. He followed me through to the bedroom.

  ‘Of course it came up. Every time we talked and you said I instead of we, it came up.’

  ‘He’s Jeremy’s bo… special friend, Javi. Jeremy’s.’

  ‘But he adores you.’

  ‘That’s just Jeremy exaggerating.’

  He took my arms gently. ‘Maybe you have… consuelo together, when you were worried. I only want the truth.’

  ‘Oh for heaven’s sake, nothing like that!’

  ‘Then why?’

  I shrugged.

  ‘Vale.’ He went into the bathroom, came out with his wash bag. Pulled his holdall onto the bed.

  ‘What’re you doing?’

  ‘I have to go. There is a hotel just—’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Then just tell—’

  ‘Because I thought you’d immediately jump into bed with Violeta again, that’s why!’

  He looked at me for a moment then carried on packing.

  I slumped down onto the bed, curled into myself, let the crying take me over.

  He stood there for a moment then sat down next to me. ‘There is no trust here now.’

  ‘Well that’s not my fault.’