FLAMENCO BABY

by Radford, Cherry

  Then saw it.

  ‘Give it to her, hold her for me. She will hate me but one day will forgive. Love and take care of her for me, as I know you can.’

  ‘NO!’ I pulled away from him, my heart racing.

  He grabbed me with both arms. ‘See what he says Yol, maybe it’s—’

  I snatched it from him, let the first page fall to the floor.

  Yoli,

  I don’t think I told you how much I love you. I was afraid of pushing you to decide, that I lose you. I should to have said it more. I know we could be very happy together, and started to believe you think this too. But only if there is trust. It is very sad that we not have this. I don’t blame you Yoli, I was stupid with my jealousy, when all the time I was the problem.

  I was thinking it was going to help, Violeta here, we could talk and end it. But she has changed. She wants to come back to me, a life more simple, to be in the group. She has asked me to give her another chance. I have tried to say no, and except for that one time we have stayed separate, I promise you. But she needs me, and I can’t forget the promises when we married. I love her still. I have to give her this chance.

  Part of me hopes that we will fail, so I am free to find courage to ask you to come here and live with me. But I can’t ask that you will wait, so I have to wish everything the best for you and let you go. Is so difficult thinking of you hurting and can’t hug you. For that you will read this with your Jeremy there, who loves you and will look after you. I wish I could do more. Call me if you think it will help to talk.

  But Yoli, we have our music, and in this way we can keep together, no? In a few days I will finish the guitar for the new one and send it to you. You will hate it, you will hate me, and not want to listen. Please, give yourself time and try to forgive me. Hear the music as a celebration of us and the beginning of a long musical friendship. I have faith you will keep this little flame between us.

  With much love, abrazos, besos, forever Javi

  Chapter 28

  llorar vt, vi to cry, weep

  Seconds of before, a hot midday Granada, waiting for him on the music room balcony… Then the blow of awareness, curling me up as the pain seared through. No. Not Javi. It wasn’t possible. Not possible that I would never again wake up with him. See his shoulders shaking as he laughed. Make an almost-ponytail with his baby-soft hair. Play together, harmonising intuitively. As we made love. We would never again make love.

  I opened my eyes. Looked at the phone. The one I’d held on to as if drowning yesterday. He couldn’t say what I wanted to hear. I picked up the letter. How much I love you… should to have said it more. As I too should have done. And now part of him hopes they will fail, so just maybe… But only part of him. And meanwhile he’ll wake up with her.

  I turned over. But supposing Jeremy had a… I turned back again, pushed back until I felt the warmth of his chest against my back. His arm came over.

  ‘How’s my Yol.’

  I couldn’t say. I was thinking how I wished the bike had gone crashing into me instead of him. I wouldn’t have had the strength, so wouldn’t now be…

  ‘Ready for some breakfast? We should get going.’

  God. Eating, showering, getting dressed. Never mind packing a bag. I should have been used to forging on, but this was different: thin-air, so little distance between thoughts and actions. Already a bin full of Granada cardigan, uneaten dinner and ripped up photos. An insulted patronising Helen. A frayed Jeremy. Only the promise of the first part of my ‘trilogy’ consolation prize - his cuddling me to sleep - had had any control.

  ‘Yol?’

  ‘Feel a bit sick.’

  He leaned over and peered into my face. ‘No chance you could be pregnant, is there? That could change things.’

  ‘Huh? I’m on the pill. Anyway I’ve got period pains - surprise, surprise.’

  ‘Right. So mustn’t forget some Nurofen. That bar of Lindt. Sit up, come on. How about we start with some weak tea?’

  He got up and came over to my side of the bed. Folded the letter and put it in the bedside table. For a second it pleased me to think how annoyed Javi would be to know it was inches from the esposa-map I’d drawn for Nando’s first hot chocolate visit. Until I remembered he wouldn’t care about that now, he was moving on. As I was supposed to do. I forced myself to think of Jeremy’s little boat; when he was heartbroken, he’d said, he imagined himself setting off in one, every day a little further from that cruel coastline.

  ‘Lovely.’ He was opening the curtains on to a garishly sunny day. He put the hotel book next to me and went off to the kitchen. An old Royal Pavilion leaflet made it fall open at the Regency frontage of the hotel with miraculous last-minute availability of a sea-view room. Brighton: he’d had at least two romantic trysts there that had since kept him away, but he’d said he didn’t mind about that anymore. Provided I ate and didn’t throw things around, I’d hear about the third part of my consolation prize on Monday.

  Nice for a couple of bites, but the honey was leaking and the paper cone reminded me of churros in Granada. I put the cone on the ironwork railing. Put my elbow on the ironwork railing. Then gently nudged the cone over, watched it fall to the swirling water below. Comically slowly. Or perhaps, thrillingly, it was much further than it seemed. I would fall much more quickly, of course, torpedoing into the achingly cold sea, momentarily - if not permanently - relieved from all this. But I was tethered here, by Jeremy, Charlotte, Emma, my flute; there was no escape other than the stacking up of days in the little boat…

  ‘What the hell are you doing?’ Jeremy was asking. ‘Good mind to make you go down to the beach and pick it up.’

  The cone was now edging underneath the pier. ‘No point. It’s going to get caught up in the pier’s leg things.’

  ‘Everything ends up on the beach, Yol.’

  Everything reaches an end point. Even this pain, if I could hang on long enough.

  He pulled my phone out of my pocket and put it into his. ‘If you can’t stop throwing things around I better take this. And remember, no third part of your CP until you do.’

  His phone rang and made him smile. Obviously Nando.

  ‘Yes, we’re here already, on the pier… Er, a walk way that sticks out into the sea, with atracciones and fun food…? Yes, this afternoon… Definitely… Really? Oh that’s great, I’m sure she would… Yes… Okay, here she is…’

  He handed me the phone.

  ‘Yoli, I am sad for you, but you know, always this was going to happen. Maybe at the end is the best, no? Because…’

  It was going to happen because he knew I didn’t stand a chance against Violeta. I pushed the phone back at Jeremy, who said something into it about me being frágil.

  Back came the phone. ‘Yoli, lo siento, mi cariño. You must feel for him, he chooses badly. Listen, you have Jeremy, no? And when I will stay I give you many abrazos too. Then at end of July you can come to the house near Conil with Jeremy, it will be ready after some work, I hear today, you will have long holiday, can repair.’

  ‘That’s very kind, but I wouldn’t want to—’

  ‘Tt! I invite to you. Toni and Pilar will be there also, is good that Pilar will have other girl. You have to come.’

  ‘Oh… well, we can talk about it when you come over.’

  ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘And Yoli, still you take classes of flamenco?’

  ‘Not recently, no.’

  ‘Start another time. Is good for pain like this. Help you stand up, tall. Abrazos y besos, mi Yolandita.’

  ‘A ti también.’

  ‘What d’you think, eh? We’re going to have such a wonderful time,’ Jeremy said.

  ‘Are you sure? I don’t want to be in the way.’

  ‘Course you won’t be.’ A small boy walked past with a blue octopus. ‘Let’s go and see if we can win one of them. Then you’ll want the log ride…’ He took my arm, glowing as he always did after hearing from Nando. People looked on, seeing two people in love, a luck
y woman to have nabbed such a handsome man. He guided me through the stressed parents and excited children, the confident loved-up couples. He was keeping up a non-stop distracting chatter - the villa’s seaside location and its steps down to a tiny cove; how I’d get on with Pilar and how well Toni spoke English. Then it was The End of the Affair and other films that had used the pier… The day was passing, the little boat moving forward; I just had to keep busy. And there was still just a chance I’d return, he’d change his mind…

  ‘So lunch and then… Uh. It’s gone again. Already. What the hell’s it called, big palace thing…’

  ‘The Royal Pavilion.’

  We found an outside table at the restaurant.

  ‘Can’t remember the last time I had fish and chips,’ I said, surprisingly hungry.

  ‘My last time was here. Possibly at this very table.’

  ‘Sergei.’

  ‘Yes. But he was a right spoil-sport, going on and on about the calories.’

  ‘Doesn’t Nando fuss about that kind of thing?’

  ‘No way. Loves his food. He keeps an eye on himself, but doesn’t bore you with it.’

  His phone buzzed a text.

  ‘Not again - seems like every time we talk about him it makes him text you.’

  He put a hand in his pocket. Then into the other. ‘Yours,’ he said. He pulled it out. The smile disappeared.

  ‘Yoli, I am thinking of you. I wish I could take away your pain, stop you hating me. But time and Jeremy will make you better, I know you will find happiness. Un abrazo, Javi x.’

  Not changing his mind. Making sure he had made himself clear. Pushing home the knife, gently but deeply.

  I bent over the table. ‘I’ll never see him again! Like he’s dead!’

  Jeremy handed me a napkin, whispered in my ear as I shook and gasped. Told me to hold his hand tightly. Tighter. It’s like bereavement, he’d said the day before: agonising waves with peaceful interludes, you don’t have to do it all at once. So I closed my eyes, locked away alone with that agony, waiting for it to pass - until the next time.

  I sat up and blew my nose, exhausted. The waitress approached, with an embarrassed smile - imagining I’d lost a parent, perhaps. I let go of Jeremy.

  ‘Well that’s your hand exercises done for today,’ he said, flexing his fingers. He kissed my wet cheek and then squeezed lemon over my plaice. ‘Now just stick your nose in this and remind yourself life’s got a lot going for it.’

  I stared up at a hefty chandelier hanging from the claws of a silvered dragon, imagined it smashing down onto the crystal goblets and plastic food below.

  ‘So what did Sergei make of all this?’

  ‘Felt like he was on stage, had a sudden urge for grand jeté en tournant in the Music Room. Come on, let’s go and see it.’

  This time nine lotus-shaped chandeliers to crush you to death, possibly while dancing or playing an instrument - a good way to go. Our music room - what would become of that? Violeta would probably put one of those rail things in there for all her flamenco dresses. He said he wanted to continue with our music. Why? The group was taking more and more of his time, and now Violeta would be too. It had just been a sweet way of ending the letter.

  ‘Yol? Did you hear that?’ Jeremy asked, pausing his audio guide.

  I hadn’t; mine had been speaking to a thin-aired brain and at some point I must have switched it off.

  ‘What.’

  He started telling me how the Music Room had survived both damage by fire and a heavy stone ball that had fallen through the plaster cockleshell ceiling. I was just wishing it hadn’t when a phone buzzed, the sound punching me in the stomach.

  He handed it to me.

  ‘I finished it. I changed the second flute to give freedom for the guitar to echo the melody, hope you don’t mind. How are your school girls with Sevilla? Do you want me to make the guitar more easy? Please answer me Yoli, I need to know you are okay. Javi x.’

  I slumped onto the carpet against the wall. Jeremy asked if I was okay. I nodded my head. Changed the flute to give freedom to the guitar. Had he already forgotten how we used to talk about the instruments as if they were us? Needed to know I was okay. Of course I wasn’t fucking okay. I looked back at Jeremy and shook my head.

  He came over to me and knelt down. I leant forward, whispered in his ear. ‘Please make him go away. Unless he… I don’t care what you say, just make it stop.’

  ‘Sounds like he had time on his hands yesterday. D’you think he’s leaving a respectful gap between dumping me and…’

  ‘Oh Yol, come on. He loves you, but he’s made a decision. The rest is irrelevant - and best not pondered. Come on, let’s get to the Sea Life Centre before it gets too busy.’

  ‘Turn round then.’

  He obeyed. I dropped my towel and rummaged for underwear.

  ‘Course, I can see you in the mirror,’ he said.

  ‘What!’

  ‘Only joking. But actually it’s not fair, you’ve seen me with nothing on.’

  ‘Well… turn back then,’ I said, crossing my hands in front of my most private bit.

  ‘Aren’t you sweet! But God, if only this did it for me I’d be the luckiest guy on earth, and life would be one hell of a lot simpler.’ He laughed at my spotty pants and then got up, put my sundress over my head and pulled it down.

  ‘I need a—’

  ‘Nobody else wears a bra under a sundress, Yol.’

  He picked up my nightie and put it on the pillow next to his old tee-shirt.

  ‘I love sleeping with you. Can’t we…?’

  ‘Not every night, no. Maybe weekends? Unless either of us have other plans.’

  ‘Well I won’t have any. Finished. No more CPs. If Nando asks you to move to Seville I might give living with sun and oranges a go too - do a course and teach English there until my Spanish is good enough to have pupils and join a group… If that’s alright with you.’

  ‘Alright? I already asked you to do that.’

  ‘No you didn’t.’

  ‘Yes I… God, don’t say my memory’s got holes and making up stuff.’ He squeezed me. ‘Of course you’ve got to come. But we’re not allowed to talk about it, remember? Makes me nervous, it’s early days.’

  I opened the door to the little balcony. ‘Let’s finish our tea out here.’ He came out and joined me. We looked out at a calmer grey sea, a white sky. ‘Thanks for bringing me here, it’s good to be… elsewhere.’

  ‘Wish it could be longer.’

  ‘Mm.’ I looked over at him. ‘Go on, tell me now. The third part of the CP.’ He shook his head. ‘Look how good I’ve been… well, I could have been lot worse. Please.’

  He sipped his tea. ‘Okay. Guess.’

  ‘You said I won’t actually get it for a few months. It’s a holiday, isn’t it.’

  ‘It’s certainly not that. Anyway, you’re already going to Nando’s, maybe back to Minorca again with Charlotte, Cádiz at some point, how many holidays d’you need, woman?’

  ‘No, no, I didn’t expect that it would—’

  ‘Try again.’

  ‘Um… a thing or an event? Some other course… Learning the tango.’

  ‘Good God no, coming back from Argentina with some… But you’re worrying me, I thought you’d… It’s a big thing, you might have to re-consider…’

  ‘Big thing? Can I take it to Seville?’

  ‘Don’t worry, it’s highly transportable… Jesus Yol, why are you being so…’

  A big intake of breath.

  ‘What else would I give you for the final consolation prize?’

  Chapter 29

  paciencia f patience

  I leant forward and clicked on Products. ‘There you go, Essential Insemination Kit.’

  He took the mouse. ‘Oh look, there’s a choice. What’s this, the Complete… and the Ultimate, for God’s sake! What do they do, stick a dildo in that pack?’

  ‘Don’t be disgusting.’

  He star
ed at the display of pots and syringes, a strange pink-rimmed cup-like contraption. ‘Good grief. We’ll just have to light some candles, put some music on…’

  A romantic assisted insemination; there was an unspoken understanding that the other kind could lead to hurt and confusion, for me anyway. But even the thought of his baby inside me, however it had got there, sent a warm glow through my body.

  ‘We could go to the office and talk to her, it’s just round—’

  ‘No Yol, too soon.’

  ‘Nando. How can you be sure he won’t mind?’

  ‘Well obviously I need to talk to him - about this and other things. Probably in Spain. Anyway, why ruin your holidays with morning sickness? It’s got to be September. Meanwhile you can get yourself healthy, read up about what you’re in for—’

  ‘Come off the pill.’

  ‘I wouldn’t do that quite yet. Last time your hormones wreaked havoc for both of us - not what you need at the moment.’

  ‘Let me get you some tea and one of Sophie’s green cupcakes,’ Helen said.

  ‘Where is Sophes?’

  ‘Having supper with one of her new dancing friends. She hasn’t lost much weight yet but she’s certainly gained a social life.’

  ‘Good for her.’

  ‘Which is what you need to start doing. Anyway, we’re certainly going to keep you busy.’

  They wanted to go through some of the standards, obviously checking to see if I was back on form. Then they showed me some new repertoire.

  ‘Just have a go so you get the hang of the tempo,’ Kirsty said, more patient than Helen with my appalling sight-reading.

  But I had a thirst for playing, a heightened concentration.

  ‘Well done, Yolly! Your dinner’s definitely now on me.’ Helen looked at her watch. ‘Table’s booked for eight thirty. Ooh, mustn’t forget your post.’

  A postcard of two New York City ballet dancers in the wedding-like Diamonds costume from Balanchine’s Jewels, but with a Southampton postmark.