Knowing Her

by Raquel De Leon

  They searched for approximately ten minutes but had no luck.

  “Maybe we should split up,” Lian admitted with a grimace. “I’ll circle the exterior and text you if I see them.”

  They’d stopped adjacent to a stall selling homemade preserves, and Teresa was already exhausted. She’d been on edge for the entire time, wondering when The Moment would come. “I hate to say it, but you might be right. I need a break, too.”

  Lian half-smiled, then leaned up to kiss her softly on the cheek. “Wait here for a minute, maybe pick something out. I’ll find them, don’t worry.”

  Teresa nodded, but missed Lian almost as soon as she was gone. “Stop being needy,” she mumbled under her breath, then mentally chided herself. The situation was unique and Lian clearly didn’t mind. She shook herself and began examining the numerous jars of preserves, staying on the outside edge so she’d be out of everyone else’s way.

  She picked up a jar of pineapple preserves in one hand and a jar of pineapple-strawberry in the other. She squinted as she considered the two.

  “They’re both really good,” a lightly accented voice said, “but the pineapple-strawberry is divine.”

  Teresa froze. Her arms began to shake, so she clumsily set both jars back down.

  “Are you okay?” A warm hand hesitantly brushed her shoulder.

  Teresa swallowed and squeezed her eyes shut. The tentative touch to her shoulder became a light, solid weight.

  “Maybe you should sit down.” Ana’s voice was full of concern.

  Teresa felt like she was going to cry. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. With a wobbling smile, she turned to face her mother.

  ***

  As Lian did her second circuit of the Farmers Market, she felt frustrated on Teresa’s behalf. The search was anticlimactic after all the time Teresa had taken to work herself up into leaving the car. She started to question if she’d even seen Ana’s car. The blue Passat was a popular model, and there wasn’t anything distinguishing about Ana’s.

  About to return to Teresa at the jams and preserves, Lian was relieved to finally spot Vivian in front of some displays of asparagus.

  Not seeing Ana in her immediate vicinity, Lian decided to approach her. “Vivian.”

  Vivian, in a dark, flowing skirt and a pale pink blouse, turned and gave Lian a surprised look. She had a green reusable bag hitched on her left shoulder, which swayed heavily because of the items already in it. “Lian?” she asked with a furrow between her eyebrows. “What are you doing here?”

  Lian pursed her lips, her eyes flicking to double-check for Ana. “I’m here with Teresa.”

  “Oh.” Vivian’s eyes widened. “Oh,” she repeated in a lower voice.

  “Where’s your mom?” Lian asked, confirming why she and Teresa had come.

  Vivian ran a hand through her hair and made a vague gesture toward the fruits. “She went to check and see if she left her sunglasses at one of the apple stands.”

  “Apples?” Lian frowned, reflexively turning to where Vivian had indicated. Had they checked the apple stands? Right, Lian had seen a stall just a few down from the preserves.

  “Crap,” Lian blurted out, suddenly feeling jittery. “Teresa was waiting for me at the preserves.”

  Vivian lips parted. She snaked a hand out to grip Lian’s wrist. “Come on.”

  Lian didn’t protest, instead stretching her legs so she was a step ahead of Vivian.

  ***

  The years had been kind to her mother.

  The lines on Ana’s face, faint in Teresa’s memory, were only a little deeper than the last time she’d seen them. She could spot crow’s feet at the corners of her mother’s eyes, but only barely. The severe braid Teresa remembered for most of her childhood was absent. A few strands of grey hair were intermingling with the rest of the darker ones, but all were down in glorious curly waves around Ana’s shoulders. In skinny jeans and a stylish grey peasant blouse, she could have been thirty-five, rather than fifty.

  Teresa had yet to speak. What should she even say?

  Ana’s lips were pressed into a thin line, her eyebrows scrunching together as she examined Teresa’s face.

  Since words continued to fail her, Teresa forced a smile.

  Ana’s mouth parted and her eyes went wide. She jerked her other arm up, both hands suddenly gripping Teresa’s shoulders.

  Teresa desperately tried to moisten her dry mouth, her heart pounding rapidly in her chest. She cleared her throat. “Buenos días, Mamá.”

  When Ana frowned, it felt like a heavy stone dropped down into Teresa’s guts. She gritted her teeth and braced herself for the worst.

  Then Ana’s eyes welled with moisture, tears threatening to spill over at any moment. Her throat visibly worked as she struggled to say something, but her voice was soft—kind—when she eventually spoke. “¿Como te llamas, mija?”

  Teresa opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Tingles rippled from her chest in waves as tears slipped from her eyes. Why did a simple question asking her name make her want to sob forever? She licked her lips. “Teresa.”

  Ana smiled, her eyes still shining. “Teresa, como el segundo nombre de tu tía Angelina.” First one tear, then another, slipped free. She shook her head and cupped Teresa’s cheek. Teresa could feel her shaking. “Angelina would be so happy to know both you and Vivian are carrying her names.” Ana choked, her tears abruptly coming harder and faster.

  When she pulled Teresa into a fierce hug, Teresa held her just as tightly.

  Teresa sobbed against her mother’s shoulder. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d cried in her mother’s arms—perhaps when she was ten, when they’d lost Angelina.

  “I’m sorry,” she found herself saying once her tears had slowed. She wasn’t sure what she was apologizing for.

  Ana pulled back and emphatically shook her head. Her eyes and nose were red, and her face damp from tears. “No. I’m sorry.” She appeared as if she wanted to say more, but her face crumpled as she began to cry again.

  Unsure what to do, Teresa was relieved when she realized Lian and Vivian were only a few steps away.

  Vivian had her hand over her mouth, faded tear tracks on both of her cheeks. Lian’s eyes were shining, but she had a lopsided smile on her face.

  Upon catching Teresa’s eye, Lian stepped forward. She placed a gentle hand on Ana’s back, her hand also brushing one of Teresa’s. “Why don’t we take this somewhere else? I’ll drive us all over to Vivian’s.”

  Ana sniffled and blinked rapidly, then frowned. “Lian? My car?”

  “We’ll get it later, Mom,” Vivian lightly interjected. “I don’t think any of us are fit to drive.”

  Ana turned to Vivian, her gaze unfocused and her brow furrowed. “Vivian, your… sister. This is your sister.”

  Vivian made eye contact with her and nodded slowly. “I know, Mom.”

  Teresa sucked in a breath when the grip around her waist became painful.

  “Sorry,” Ana whispered as she took another step back, dropping one arm but sliding another around Teresa’s waist. She gave Vivian a pained look. “You know?”

  “I’ll explain everything, Mom,” Teresa said. She waited until Ana glanced at her. “Come on. Let’s go, like Lian said.”

  “Okay.” Ana seemed to be at a loss for words. After a moment of thought, her expression became determined. She looped her left arm through Teresa’s, then reached for Vivian’s hand with her right.

  Teresa shot a glance over her mother’s head. Vivian seemed relieved, her expression smooth save for a slight smile as she stared back at Teresa.

  “It’s a bit of a walk,” Lian explained as she took the lead.

  Walking to the car arm in arm with her mother was a surreal experience for Teresa. She focused on their surroundings as much as she could. The morning was cool, but she could feel it begin to warm as the sun rose higher in the sky. Around them, the numerous trees and branches were swaying gently in the breeze. Her mother
was swaying too, just slightly into her side with every step.

  When they reached Lian’s car, Ana didn’t want to let go of either her or Vivian. Lian didn’t seem bothered. She opened the rear passenger door with a smile and rounded the car to the driver’s side.

  As they buckled in and the car rumbled to life, Ana spoke again.

  “How long?” she asked.

  Teresa peered at her from under her lashes. “How long, what?”

  Ana pursed her lips and stared down at her lap. “How long have you been here?”

  “About a year and a half,” Teresa admitted after a pause. “I didn’t meet up with Vivian until this last spring.”

  “Lian found her,” Vivian confessed. “I wanted to tell you but, given the circumstances, I didn’t feel it was my place.”

  Ana’s head remained bowed.

  Teresa wondered what she was thinking, feeling—before she could ask, the car stopped.

  “We’re here,” Lian informed them. In a quick series of movements, she unbuckled herself and exited the car.

  Teresa hurried to follow suit as Lian opened her door, breathing a sigh of relief when Lian patiently waited for her.

  She shuffled out of the back seat, finally breaking the loose chain of arms. When Lian leaned back against the car, Teresa stepped closer to her.

  “You’re coming up, right?” Teresa asked. She crossed her arms to hide her shaking hands.

  Lian’s eyes flicked to her arms, then back up to her face. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

  Conscious of the fact that her mother and sister had gotten out of the car and were standing nearby, Teresa took in a shaky breath and nodded. “Yes.” She peered searchingly at Lian, hoping the other woman could see how much she needed the extra reassurance.

  “If you’re sure,” Lian said as she pushed off from the car and hit a button on her fob to lock the doors.

  Teresa relaxed when she felt Lian’s hand land on its usual spot at the small of her back.

  ***

  Vivian’s kitchen was immaculate as always, Lian noted as she took a seat adjacent to April. April was still dressed for sleep, her plaid pajama bottoms and large t-shirt wrinkled. Her hair was up in a messy bun, blonde wisps escaping to hang around her face.

  Lian had just returned from delivering some tea to the living room. It had been Ana’s request, so Lian had chosen some relaxing blends—as well as some honey and lemon to help with their throats, should the need arise.

  April gripped the handle of her coffee mug and nudged her chin toward Lian’s cup, indicating she’d refreshed them both. They’d both perched at the kitchen bar with the pretense of it being more comfortable, but their spot was a prime position to overhear occasional bits of conversation.

  “Vivian sounds like she’s crying,” April observed quietly, her legs bouncing in place.

  “Give them time,” Lian said for herself as much as April. Technically, they were supposed to be keeping an ear out for the still-slumbering Makayla. Mostly, they’d been trying to keep each other from barging in on the family chat.

  April grunted and lifted her mug. She glowered at it. “Should have made decaf.”

  Lian didn’t comment when she took a sip anyway. “They seemed fine when I took the tea in.”

  “Fine?” April scowled at her. “They’d all been crying even before they got here.”

  “You know not all tears are bad.” Lian slowly twisted her mug by its handle. “It’s been a long time. This is cathartic for them.”

  April huffed and set her coffee down with a thump. They were silent for several beats. “Vivian’s sort of been trying to prepare them without really saying anything.”

  Lian tilted her head. “How so?”

  “You know, just,” April shrugged and made vague gestures.

  “That doesn’t clarify anything,” Lian retorted.

  Still seated, April shifted her weight. “Ana just finished helping with a big fundraiser for that shelter downtown. She asked Vivian about other places that might need help. Vivian got her in contact with a small shelter made specifically for transgender youth that’s been in desperate need of additional support.” She tapped her fingers on the counter. “Ana’s already gotten pretty close with a couple of the kids.”

  Though Lian shouldn’t have been surprised, she felt a quiet sense of awe. Vivian was a good person, not just a good sister. “What does Miguel think of that?” She held her breath.

  “Eh.” April lifted a hand and wobbled it in the air. “She had a bit of a rough start with him. He’s been supportive of Ana, and by extension, the kids. It’s a work in progress but he’s been genuinely trying.”

  “That’s something.” Lian dropped her hands to her knees and balled them into fists. It wasn’t the complete acceptance she’d wished for Teresa, but it was a start. Ana wouldn’t let her down. “We haven’t talked about her parents much, but I see so much of Ana in her.”

  April nodded. “I haven’t spent a lot of time with Teresa, but I can see that. They both kind of draw people in. They’ve got that energy.”

  Lian smiled. “Exactly.”

  “Vivian has that, a little. She fights it. Tries to keep people at a distance.” April grinned. “Didn’t work with me, of course.”

  “You got lucky,” Lian corrected with a raised eyebrow.

  “I sure did.” April’s grin became wistful as she blindly stared somewhere past the kitchen.

  Lian watched her for a moment. A few months ago, she would have found April’s preoccupation confusing. She beamed.

  “Hey,” came Teresa’s low voice a moment before arms wrapped around her from behind.

  Lian’s cheeks heated up but she didn’t complain. She dodged April’s interested stare as she lightly gripped the arms at her chest and stomach. “Hey,” she murmured back. “How are you feeling?”

  “I need a hug,” Teresa admitted.

  Before Teresa finished speaking, Lian was out of the chair and had turned around. Teresa sighed happily once they were wrapped up in one another.

  “Better?” Lian whispered into her ear.

  Teresa nodded and took in a slow breath. “Much.” She held Lian for several heartbeats before she added, “It was good. Just intense.”

  Lian made some nonsensical noises and held her tighter. When she glanced to April’s seat, the chair was empty. She listened carefully and realized April had gone to the living room. She closed her eyes and remained in Teresa’s embrace.

  “Thank you so much for staying, Lian.”

  “Hey,” Lian leaned back so she could look Teresa in the eye. “Anytime. I mean it.”

  She felt Teresa’s breath catch as they locked gazes.

  “I know,” Teresa murmured as her eyelids fluttered down and she cupped Lian’s cheek.

  Lian licked her lips, then met Teresa’s halfway. Her chest felt tight with emotion when the kiss finally ended. They continued to hold one another.

  “Well,” Ana drawled from the kitchen entryway, “that answers that question.”

  On instinct she and Teresa jumped apart, though their hands blindly found one another.

  Lian’s cheeks felt like they were on fire, but when she looked at Ana, she was met with a grin.

  Ana moved further into the room. She paused in front of Teresa and affectionately gripped her upper arm. She peered over at Lian. “It’s good. Maybe when you’re officially family you’ll stop calling me ma’am.”

  “Mom!” Teresa exclaimed with wide eyes. “We haven’t been seeing each other long, please!”

  With a click of her tongue, Ana shook her head. “I’m your mother. I know what I see.”

  Lian squirmed in place. It was far too soon to think of such things, but the idea of being with Teresa like that made her happy. “I should be so lucky,” she confessed as she avoided looking in Teresa’s direction.

  “You’re such a good girl,” Ana cooed with a hand pressed to her chest. She clapped her hands and moved past them. “I wil
l make breakfast. It’s a beautiful morning, after all.”

  Teresa squeezed her hand. Lian braced herself and braved a look her way.

  “I should be so lucky,” Teresa whispered. With a quick peek around them, she leaned in and gave Lian a chaste kiss on the cheek.

  Though Lian had been happy before and hadn’t felt the need to find someone to settle down with, she was excited at what the future might bring. Good or bad, they would share it for as long as Teresa wanted.