Kick Ass: Selected Columns

by Carl Hiaasen

  Many of you probably hadn't heard about the machine-gun shortage until now, but South Floridians have a special stake in solving the problem.

  In recent times the machine gun has become a vibrant and inextricable part of our culture, lending spice and spontaneity to an otherwise dreary drug scene. Thanks to films such as Scarface and TV programs such as Miami Vice, the Ingram MAC-10 is now as indelible a part of South Florida's image as the palm tree. Are we going to sit still while a bunch of pencil-necks in Washington spoil it? Think of tradition. Remember how the legendary El Loco (the original El Loco—Dade County is probably the only place with more than one) hung from a speeding sedan on the Turnpike and fired away at a drug rival. And who could forget the photograph of the Colombian traveler machine-gunned to death in his wheelchair at Miami International.

  Miami just wouldn't be the same without its rat-tat-tat.

  True, plenty of machine guns are still out on the streets, but they're getting worn out and junky. We all know what happens when you leave your Gustav M45 lying in the backyard—one lousy rainstorm and the muzzle corrodes, the trigger starts to jam, you name it.

  The urgent need for new guns was illustrated a few days ago when police raided a crack house in Broward County. Along with cocaine and the usual cache of handguns, two machine guns were seized in the arrest. Believe me, these were the worst looking machine guns you ever saw; they might as well have been held together with paper clips and masking tape.

  I'm sure the coke dealers were embarrassed to be caught with such decrepit weapons, but what choice did they have? Thanks to Congress, no new ones are being produced for the U.S. market. They can blame Rep. Larry Smith of Hollywood, who wrote the offending law. Smith says there's no good reason for private citizens to have machine guns, and challenges the gun lobby to come up with any legitimate uses for the deadly automatic weapon. An obvious answer is hunting. What could match the thrill of bringing down a buck with 96 rounds of Parabellum fire at 100 meters? Saves you the trouble of skinning it, too.

  So you're not a sportsman? Fine. The machine gun is still an invaluable urban companion. Next time some jerk sneaks in and steals your parking space, feed him a MAC-10 Popsicle and just watch how fast he backs out. Finally, try to imagine what would add more excitement and variety to a police officer's day than knowing that any two-bit creep could have a loaded Tommy gun under his front seat.

  So as the NRA pursues its latest quest, all South Florida awaits the day when it's once again possible to gift wrap a shiny new Uzi for that someone special. Maybe even in time for Christmas.

  Miami, a city beset by gun problems? Read on!

  March 7, 1988

  Tarnished Image Alert: Miami officials are concerned that a new book contains outdated information that gives a wrong impression about the area.

  The book, due out in May, is called Cities of Opportunity. It lists 42. American cities that are promising and exciting places for young people to relocate. Miami makes the list.

  Sounds very positive, except for one glitch. The author, John Tepper Marlin, dares to suggest that we've got a little gun problem down here in South Florida. Now, where would he get a crazy idea like that?

  In particular, he mentions the infamous loophole in the state's new handgun law that made it legal to walk around with a six-shooter on your hip. That part of the law was hastily fixed, but not before Marlin had already sent off his manuscript.

  The city had a chance to point out this mistake, but was two months late in replying to Marlin's publisher. Consequently, the gun stuff stays in the book.

  Some complain that it's not fair to bring up the Dodge City slur again, and fear that the book will present a distorted view of how safe it is to live down here.

  If only Mr. Marlin had taken the time to visit in the last week or so, he would have gone back to his typewriter with a completely different outlook about guns in South Florida.

  These are some of the stories he would have seen on TV, or read in the papers:

  • Someone with an automatic weapon opened fire from a passing car at teenagers on a street corner in Coconut Grove. Three youths, including two high-school football stars, were wounded in the apparently random attack.

  • An ex-con robber with a violent past pulled a 9 mm Smith & Wesson on a Miami cabbie, who quickly shot him to death with a Colt .45, one of two pistols he was carrying in his taxi under a new concealed-weapons permit.

  • A University of Miami law school graduate named Irv Ribler was shot to death while driving down 1-95 in North Broward. Police believe the murder stemmed from a brief traffic altercation with strangers.

  • In Liberty City, three men were shot on the street when somebody in a white Camaro or Firebird opened fire with a shotgun. As the car roared off, the gunmen kept shooting at bystanders, and wounded a 19-year-old woman.

  • As her children watched, a woman upset over a custody battle shot her ex-husband to death with a pistol in the parking lot of Dade's main juvenile court.

  • Four friends out cruising in North Miami decided to play Russian roulette with a .38-caliber pistol. Jose Cotto, age 14, lost. He was the third teenager to die this way in Dade County since January.

  • Police arrested two men for the robbery-slaying nine months ago of a children's ice-cream vendor near Kelsey Pharr Elementary School. Authorities noted that this murder was not related to the robbery-shooting of another ice-cream vendor near the same school in January.

  • A former member of the Yahweh religious sect pleaded guilty to second-degree murder in the shooting deaths of two tenants who refused to leave an Opalocka apartment when the Yahwehs tried to evict them.

  • In Fort Lauderdale, a Canadian tourist was shot to death in his beachfront hotel room while Spring Breakers partied along The Strip.

  • Burglars who broke into a Northwest Dade home stole a 9mm handgun, an Uzi semiautomatic machine gun, a .32-caliber pistol, a 12-gauge shotgun and a Beretta of unspecified caliber.

  This is only a recent sampler. Yet, anyone can plainly see that not one of these incidents resulted from so-called "loopholes" in Florida's firearms laws.

  So maybe next time a Mr. Smartypants Liberal wants to write a book, he'll buckle down and do his homework.

  A gun problem? Us? What an imagination, this guy.

  Legislators, we're dying for gun law

  April 29, 1988

  So the madness goes on.

  Another policeman falls, while the clowns in Tallahassee argue about whether Key lime or sweet potato should be the state pie. Earlier in the week, they haggled intently over the selection of a state sand.

  But don't worry. The true sweat and toil for this legislative session has been saved for the burning issue of repealing a motorcycle helmet law.

  Just amazing.

  How many cops do we have to lose before somebody up there gets some guts?

  How many funerals will it take? How many manhunts? How many pictures of anguished relatives rushing into hospital emergency rooms?

  Last year, the Legislature sent a lenient new message about handguns, and this year we got it. The homicide rate is way up, and more cops are down.

  Let's hear it for some of the constitutional champions in the Legislature who gave us these murderous laws: Larry Plummer, John Hill and the two Lehtinens; Don Childers of West Palm Beach; Jim Scott and Tom Gustafson of Fort Lauderdale; Arnhilda Gonzalez-Quevedo of Coral Gables; Ron Saunders of Key West; Ray Liberti ofWest Palm Beach; Anne Mackenzie and Debby Sanderson of Fort Lauderdale; Luis Morse, John Cosgrove, Lincoln Diaz-Balart and Javier Souto of Miami; Roberto Casas of Hialeah; Robert Starks of Homestead; and our very own NRA poster boy, Al Gutman.

  Hope to see all of you dropping by Jackson Hospital to wish Officer James Hayden a speedy recovery.

  The madness is as uncivilized as it is intolerable. We are past the point of scaring off tourists; we're scaring off good cops. Anyone in his right mind would think twice about putting on a badge in a state that abides s
uch bloodletting.

  Officer Hayden was wounded during a routine traffic stop on a busy street—four weeks to the day after fellow officer Victor Estefan was murdered under similar circumstances. In the last month, three Miami policemen and a state trooper have been shot by motorists.

  I would not blame Chief Clarence Dickson for telling his officers to treat every traffic violator as a potential killer; to approach every car with guns drawn, anticipating another freak with a Smith & Wesson in his lap. Why not? This is the new code of the street.

  Finally, the mayor is talking about a trip to the capital to discuss the gun law. He ought to charter a plane and take a delegation in blue. All of us react more viscerally to the shooting of a law enforcement officer, and we should. If the police aren't safe, nobody is. Yet, at the same time, we shouldn't forget the daily blood bath that doesn't make the front page.

  A week ago, J. D. Davis was killed in his front yard when he was hit by a stray bullet from a neighborhood crack dispute. Davis wasn't a cop; he was just an innocent guy with a wife and kids. He could have been your husband, your brother, your son, your father.

  Some people say that it's already too late; that once a society arms itself as prolifically as South Florida, there is no disarming it. To some extent, this is true. Once the guns are sold, they only come back as police evidence in robberies, murders, suicides. Even then, they don't always come back.

  A few days ago, police say, a man drove out to a South Dade tomato field and killed his wife with a gmm handgun, then shot himself. By the time officers reached the scene, a passerby had already stolen the dead man's gun.

  The answer to this madness is not acceptance, and it's certainly not more handguns. A beginning would be a new set of laws, starting with one that makes it illegal to have a pistol in your car, period.

  If you had met Jim Hayden's assailant under more casual circumstances and asked about the handgun in his Malibu, he probably would have told you he was carrying it for protection. He would have told you it was his right, just check the law.

  Victor Estefan's killer could have given you the same line.

  And God help you if you disagreed.

  New NRA ad misses the mark

  May 23, 1988

  The National Rifle Association has kicked off a frantic counteroffen-sive in Florida with new radio commercials designed to scare every law-abiding citizen into buying a handgun.

  Displaying its usual disregard for facts, the NRA asserts that strict handgun laws will punish only the innocent, because criminals don't apply for gun permits.

  Wrong. In Dade County, one out of 15 applicants for a new concealed-weapons license has a felony arrest record. Since the new laws took effect, violent drug dealers, home invasion robbers and mental defectives have gotten legal gun permits—despite the NRA's assurance that no such thing could happen.

  Under fire from angry constituents, legislators are fumbling around with a sham response—a whopping three-day waiting period. This won't accomplish anything, except to allow these wimps to slink home from Tallahassee and claim credit for a "tougher" gun law.

  Meanwhile, it's been another typical week for handguns in South Florida. A 10-year-old Richmond Heights boy, upset over a bad school performance report, killed himself with a .357 found under his parents' bed. In Coral Springs, an investment counselor shot an ex-employee four times and then himself over a labor grievance.

  The NRA ads imply that a pistol in the nightstand is all that stands between a free society and a criminal siege. Fear sells, and nobody sells it better than the NRA.

  If you really want to feel safe and secure, consider the number of handguns that enter the criminal underworld every day. The NRA seldom confronts the issue of where these guns come from—the guns used to shoot at cops and store clerks and cashiers.

  Guess where they come from. A sample from the last three weeks:

  A .45-caliber handgun was stolen from a truck parked outside the Sunshine Medical Center on Southwest 72nd Street.

  A .357 magnum was stolen from a man who was attacked by three assailants in West Dade.

  A .38-caliber revolver was stolen out of a Chevy Blazer parked in the 24700 block of Southwest 87th Avenue.

  A .38-caliber Smith & Wesson was stolen from an apartment on the 8400 block of Southwest 107th Avenue.

  A thief who stole a 1987 Ford Bronco on Southwest 63rd Street also got a .357, which had been left in the truck.

  A 9mm handgun was stolen from the glove box of a Buick parked at Westchester Hospital.

  A thief who stole a Ford pickup on Northwest 109th Street also got a .38-caliber pistol and .22-caliber handgun, both of which had been left in the truck.

  A .38 was stolen from a parked car in the 1100 block of Northwest 128th Street.

  A 12-gauge shotgun and a .357 Smith & Wesson were stolen from a home in the 16000 block of Northwest 45th Avenue.

  A .38 Smith & Wesson was stolen from under a mattress inside a house trailer in the 6000 block of Southwest Eighth Street.

  A .22-caliber semiautomatic Beretta was stolen from a diesel repair shop on Okeechobee Road.

  A .44 magnum was stolen from an apartment in the 17200 block of Southwest 9£th Avenue.

  A .380 was stolen from a home in the 19300 block of Southwest 117th Court.

  Another .380 was stolen in a house burglary on Hammond Drive, in Miami Springs.

  A .357 was stolen by burglars who broke a sliding door on a house in the 10800 block of Southwest 168th Street.

  The big score took place in North Broward, where burglars broke into a tackle shop and swiped a MAC-10, a MAC-11 and eight handguns.

  And these are only some of the cases reported to police.

  Most of these weapons were purchased with honest intentions, and now they're in the hands of criminals. They will not likely be used for the lawful defense of life or property, but rather for crime.

  For those who lost their handguns to crooks, the NRA's solution is simple: Go out and buy more. Call it supply-side gun regulation.

  Burglars, thugs and stickup men couldn't be happier about it. Right now, the NRA is the best friend they've got—besides our state Legislature.

  Shop closing may trigger gun panic

  March 1, 1989

  Authorities braced for "a wave of consumer panic" today following the announcement that the Tamiami Gun Shop has closed its doors.

  The owner insisted that the closing of the store, South Florida's biggest retail firearms dealer, is only temporary. He said he's planning to sell the place to new investors.

  Meanwhile, police and civil defense officials prepared for widespread unrest in the face of a possible gun shortage. Mandatory rationing could be imposed.

  "We anticipate panic buying, looting, and hoarding of weapons, particularly handguns," said Sgt. Earl "Bucky" Fuqua of the Metro-Dade police. "We are urging people to stay calm because this is only a temporary situation. There's still plenty of guns out there for everybody. Honest."

  Yet by dawn today long lines had begun to form at other South Florida gun shops. Anxious customers brought tents and sleeping bags, waiting all night for the stores to open.

  Tensions ran high in some gun lines and several rights broke out, though no serious injuries were reported. "Since they didn't have pistols, they had to use their fists and feet," Fuqua said. "It was pathetic, I'm not kidding."

  To avoid a shortage, many gun dealers say they are voluntarily limiting the number of weapons purchased by a single customer. The emergency quota includes one Saturday Night Special, one imported semiautomatic handgun, one domestic shotgun and one unconverted MAC-10.

  "Yeah, cutting back is a hardship," admitted one gun dealer, "but at a time like this, we gotta think about what's good for all society, not just what's good for our pocketbooks."

  Industry analysts were hard-pressed to explain the sudden closing of Tamiami Gun Shop, a colorful family attraction in Miami. Thanks to Florida's liberal new weapons laws, business at most firea
rms stores has been booming lately.

  The number of handgun homicides—considered a prime economic indicator—showed strong and steady gains last year in the tri-county area. Especially large increases were noted among 13- to 17-year-olds, a sign that handguns were breaking solidly into the lucrative youth market.

  In addition, police reported that more handguns were swiped from homes and cars than ever before. This usually is good news for gun dealers, who are swamped with customers wanting to buy new weapons to replace those that were stolen.

  Since repeat business is so important to gun shops, some analysts speculate that Tamiami might have simply done its job too well—selling so many guns to so many people that burglars haven't been able to keep pace in stealing them.

  Such conditions could conceivably lead to a saturated marketplace.

  "Saturated? South Florida? No way," said Sgt. Fuqua. "In fact, just the other day I stopped a guy for speeding over on Flagler Street. When I looked in the trunk of his car—no gun! Checked the glove compartment—empty! Under the front seat—nothing! Hey, you can look it up in the report if you don't believe me."

  Other police agencies confirm similar isolated incidents where officers have encountered unarmed civilians—a dear signal that the handgun market has not yet reached its full potential.

  Some observers say it's possible that Tamiami didn't change with the times. The store gained national attention for selling a .357 to a disgruntled stock investor (and felon) named Arthur Kane, who immediately used the gun to shoot his broker and kill another man.