Once Again

by Amy Durham

  Now I couldn’t keep myself from wondering if that in itself would be our undoing.

  Could his feelings for me be nothing more than a reflection of his past life? What if all he felt for me were the memories of what the man in the visions had felt for his wife?

  And if we succeeded in uncovering the truth about what happened to them, would the connection we’d established come to an end?

  Could I be certain about my own feelings? I wanted to think so. After all, I’d started falling for him the very first day of school, before any of this reincarnation madness began. Even though I believed my own feelings to be genuine, what if the strength of my affection for him had more to do with our history and less to do with our present?

  What if Lucas was driven only by what his visions showed him? What if he hadn’t really chosen me? What if being with me was an involuntary act because of who we’d been in another century?

  The questions whirled around and around in my mind, until my head was splitting and my heart aching. It hurt to think of losing the bond Luke and I had. It hurt worse to doubt Lucas. I hated thinking he might’ve been less than truthful with me today, though I was certain he believed every word he’d said.

  When I finally drifted into sleep, the questions remained and the ache in my heart continued. I knew nothing would change for me where Lucas was concerned. Not my feelings and not the way I acted toward him. But I also knew from this point on, I would see everything through the lens of uncertainty that now colored everything.

  ***

  The wet sand was cold on my back, the sky black as tar above me. Around me I could hear the wind whistling, the waves crashing on the rocks, but nothing touched me.

  It could have been because I was numb, completely closed off to the elements surrounding me. My mind registered that I should’ve been uncomfortable, but something in me did not care.

  Mere seconds had passed since the horrible sounds from the other sides of the rocks, but it felt like years. The kind of decimation I’d just experienced normally took a lifetime to happen. For me it had happened in a split second.

  I wasn’t afraid. Not this time. Not like before when I’d been running down the beach. I searched the corners of my consciousness, looking for any hint of fear, but found none.

  There was only a cold indifference.

  I heard the voices then. The same voices I’d heard before. This time they weren’t incensed. The anger I’d heard in them before had been replaced with a stalwart resolve. I knew they were coming for me, and I didn’t care.

  I was vaguely aware of being picked up from the sand, the wetness making long strands of my hair stick to my cheeks. I did not wonder where they were taking me or what they would do to me. I was beyond worrying about my own safety. What had been done was irrevocable.

  They’d taken away the only reason I had to live.

  CHAPTER 20

  “Are you okay?” Luke’s voice was laced with concern.

  My cell vibrating in my hand had woken me from the dream, and the depths of despair to which I’d been thrown.

  “Give me a second,” I whispered, pushing myself up into a sitting position. The air in the house was cool, my skin clammy. I shivered. My alarm clock read 5:30 a.m.

  Well, at least I’d gotten most of a night’s sleep. I wouldn’t miss the thirty minutes between 5:30 and 6:00 a.m. too much.

  “I think I’m fine.” I pulled my quilt around my shoulders.

  “I couldn’t stand seeing you that way,” he said softly. “So hopeless.”

  “It sucked from my end, too.”

  “What was going through your mind?” he asked, though the strain in his tone told me he was afraid of hearing the answer.

  “Not a lot,” I answered, because it was the truth. “I wasn’t afraid anymore. I was numb, resigned. I didn’t care what they did to me. My will to live was gone.”

  I’d never heard Lucas cuss before – just one of the many things that made him so different from other high school boys – but he said a word then that I was quite sure he only said when he was really angry.

  “Sorry,” he muttered, composing himself quickly. “That’s just really hard for me to hear.”

  “Was really hard for me to feel.”

  “How do you feel now?”

  I took a deep breath, evaluating myself. Even though the emotions of the dream were terrible, I felt marginally better after this one than I had the previous few. Perhaps it was because the fear and grief were gone, replaced by the cold numbness.

  “A bit more human than I did after the last one.”

  “Wish I could say the same.” I could hear the tension in his voice.

  “Why was this one so bad for you?”

  “Because I saw them take you,” he said. “And I knew you’d given up. And I couldn’t do anything.”

  “They were beating you in the last dream,” I replied. “I know we didn’t see it, but that’s what it had to be. That’s the only explanation for what we heard and the fear I felt.”

  “I’m pretty sure you’re right.” He paused for several seconds, as if choosing his next words carefully. Through the blinds on my window the first bits of dawn seeped through, not yet light, but not dark as night. “But I can handle whatever they do to me. What I can’t handle is something happening to you.”

  I was reminded of our conversation in the woods, of his feelings of helplessness and the frustration they caused. And I remembered the questions that had plagued me about the true motivations underlying his feelings for me.

  Could his desire to protect me, the need he felt to keep me safe, somehow morph into imagined love?

  I decided it did no good to ponder it all at the moment. Not when we’d just been given another piece of the puzzle.

  “Let’s just try to think objectively for a minute,” I suggested. “These are the things we know based on the dreams. These two people were married. They lived in the Emerson house. Some sort of danger caused him to leave to try and protect her. For whatever reason, that didn’t work, because they found him. They took him to the beach and hurt him, maybe even killed him. She tried to stop them, but couldn’t. Then they took her somewhere.”

  “Where would they take her? And why?” he asked.

  “And why did they hate him so much they’d try to kill him?”

  “I think we better make some time to try to get to the courthouse this week,” he said. “The sooner we figure out what happened, the sooner these dreams will stop. I can’t stand seeing you like that.”

  “Same goes,” I said, knowing it was the truth. Knowing Lucas had been hurt, or worse, was devastating to me. And I wasn’t surprised to know that the woman in my dreams was lost without him. “I don’t particularly like knowing that you were being beaten.”

  “Layla.” He stopped for a moment, and I could hear him breathing. “I’m so sorry. I know that’s probably not a lot of help, but I really hate you’ve been dragged into this. When I met you, I thought it would be exciting. Romantic even. I never imagined it would be anything like this.”

  Whatever my questions concerning Luke’s feelings, there was no denying he was a fantastic guy. That he would apologize for something that was not his fault simply because it inconvenienced me spoke volumes about his character.

  I couldn’t let him shoulder the blame for this situation. “Lucas, this is not your doing, and you know that. You’ve been as blindsided by it all as I have. Besides, it has been romantic.”

  “Well, I’m not so sure about that,” he laughed. “But I can see to it we have some romance. I still owe you a proper date.”

  “Luke, you don’t have to – ”

  He cut me off. “No arguments. This Saturday. After your shift at String City. I’ll make plans.”

  My heart tripped in my chest, my concerns not forgotten but put on hold. Didn’t matter that I questioned the reality of his feelings for me. I knew mine were real, maybe inflated because of our situation, but definitely real, and there
was no stopping them when he talked like that.

  The love I felt blooming in my heart for him just went right ahead and blossomed without my consent.

  “Okay,” I whispered.

  “I should let you get ready for school.”

  “Are you running this morning?”

  “Probably not,” he said. “Not ready to let my mind wander just yet. I’ll have breakfast with Mom instead.”

  “Say hi to her for me.”

  “Will do.”

  “See you at school?”

  “Of course. And Layla?”

  “Yes?”

  “I couldn’t have imagined a more amazing girl to be a part of all this.” His voice was soft and thick with emotion. “Nothing in my earlier visions prepared me for what you’d really be like. I’m truly glad it’s you.”

  I held the phone to my ear like an idiot for a full minute after he’d hung up, replaying his words in my mind.

  The blossoming love in my heart multiplied ten times over.

  CHAPTER 21

  It seemed the second week of October was National “give a test” week. On Monday, during first period, Mr. Hartley announced that the second chemistry exam would be on Wednesday. Jessie and I made study plans for Tuesday afternoon and evening. In literature, Lucas and I had been reading the assigned collection of Robert Burns poetry, and we learned there would be an essay test over it the following day. We made plans to study that afternoon, when he was finished with cross-country practice. Later in the day, I discovered there would also be a U.S. History test on Thursday.

  It was one of those weeks where everything hit at once, meaning the plans Luke and I had to visit the Sky Cove courthouse had to be put on hold until Thursday afternoon.

  It felt like a long way off, but the business of Monday and Tuesday kept my mind off it. And also off the lingering questions that had plagued me since Luke’s birthday.

  At school nothing much changed. Luke still walked with me to third period and sometimes to my car in the afternoons, but he didn’t walk as close. Maybe it was my imagination, but it seemed he was putting distance between us, at least in front of the kids at school.

  However, we still talked regularly on the phone, so my heart was constantly divided and confused and completely unsure whether to feel happiness or doubt.

  The combination was maddening.

  On Wednesday, Luke returned to his routine of running in the morning before school, which meant Jessie and I got in one more bit of study time before school started. We’d arrived at school early, finding the chemistry room unlocked. We took advantage of the solitude and quizzed one another over our notes. I wasn’t looking forward to the test, but thanks to Jessie, I felt prepared at least.

  I was grateful for her once again, for her friendship as well as her willingness to help a science-dummy. A glance at the clock told me the warning bell would ring in a few minutes, so I took a quick restroom break.

  I was in and out in less than two minutes, because, really, who enjoys visiting high school restrooms? Even when they’re squeaky clean they still smelled like a strange mix of industrial cleaner, hairspray, and cigarette smoke.

  As I stepped out into the still-empty hallway, Kara Jennings was waiting for me.

  It was obvious I was her target by the way she glared at me from her spot leaning against the wall.

  I hadn’t met her, not officially, and hadn’t really even been around her in a group. She was a senior, so her classes and her lunch period were different than mine. I didn’t much want to talk to her now, but I could see no way to escape it, given that we were the only two people in the hall.

  But I wasn’t going to speak first. No way. If she wanted a confrontation, I wasn’t going to be the one to initiate it. Instead, I turned the corner and took a drink at the water fountain.

  When I finished, she’d moved to my side of the hallway.

  I stopped and waited.

  “You must be flattered by Lucas’s attention.” Her words dripped with contempt.

  I thought for a few seconds about how to respond. What was between Lucas and me was between Lucas and me. And for many reasons, I would not give her information about the two of us.

  But I would also not appear weak or intimidated.

  “I’m happy to know Lucas, yes.”

  I stood straight, squaring my shoulders, not slouching, and not shifting my weight to one leg. Kara might have been taller than me, but that didn’t mean I had to cower.

  “You should know,” she said, her tone condescending at best. “That Lucas is an exceptionally nice guy, and – ”

  I cut her off before she could continue. “Yes, I do know that.”

  She narrowed her eyes, clearly ticked I’d interrupted her. I didn’t care. This little exchange had barely begun and already she was being catty.

  “Plenty of other girls have mistaken his kindness for romantic interest.” She crossed her arms over her chest and nodded toward me.

  I supposed she must’ve thought her word was law.

  “I’m sure I haven’t mistaken Luke’s kindness as anything other than it was meant.”

  “I certainly hope not.” She took a step toward me, but I didn’t back up. “Luke and I have been together a long time, and this little separation is just a bump on the road to our happily ever after.”

  I couldn’t tell if she actually believed that or if she was just trying to convince herself.

  “Don’t worry about me,” I said, just as the warning bell rang.

  I took off toward the chemistry room before she could respond and noticed Jessie standing just outside the door. She’d witnessed the entire thing.

  A half smile played on her face, but I didn’t feel like celebrating this one. Sure it was a kick in the pants to think Kara was jealous. But it was another matter entirely to be confronted head-on with it.

  “I just want to forget about it,” I said to Jessie and I slid into my seat and pulled out my study notes. “I have more important things to worry about right now than Kara Jennings.”

  Jessie giggled, but in the back of my mind I wondered if what I’d just said was actually true. Luke’s worries that the villains from our dreams might have also been reincarnated played through my brain. Every action of every person we encountered was now suspect, and I could see how this could easily become exhausting. Would it now be necessary to analyze and re-analyze every little thing?

  And should I tell Lucas?

  If I did, would it look like my own jealous attempt to lay claim to him by ratting Kara out?

  But if I didn’t, might the omission somehow impede what we were trying to accomplish?

  I felt the headache begin to throb in my temples, and quickly refocused my mental energy on my chemistry notes. Whatever would happen with the Kara situation could wait one hour, and, it was absolutely imperative we keep up with the responsibilities of our real lives as we sorted through the Swiss-cheese map of our past ones.

  CHAPTER 22

  According to Lucas, the Sky Cove Courthouse was a smaller version of the Knox County records department. Yet even with their limited resources, they did have a computer database with records dating back to 1966. That’s where we started.

  The database had a search feature that allowed us to hunt for names of property owners. This was very useful given that most deed searches required the book number and page number of the deed in question.

  By searching for William and Patsy Emerson, we were able to find their deed to the house. From there we found the number of the deed-book for the previous owners.

  While Luke typed and searched on the computer, I kept detailed lists of names and dates in a notebook. After about an hour, we were up to our eyeballs in Emersons.

  When we reached the 1960’s we moved to the “vault” – a small room with floor to ceiling books, shoved into slots with rollers so the enormous books could be pulled out easily. Three moveable ladders slid along the walls, making is somewhat simpler to retrieve the bo
oks from the top rows.

  It smelled like old paper and dust, and more than a few sneezes crept up on me. The lack of stirring air made the vault feel closed and stuffy. The tile floor was a utilitarian white, dingy from years of foot traffic.

  The vault wasn’t exactly a happy room.

  Lucas went up and down the ladders and handled the books, while I continued my record keeping. The discolored pages in the books crackled, each one harboring the evidence of years and years of smoking within the courthouse vault.

  “I can’t believe how often this property changed hands,” I said, flipping to start the fourth page of notes. William and Patsy had lived in the house since the early 1970’s, but before them, it seemed no one stayed there for very long.

  “Me either.” Lucas pulled another book from near the floor on the far wall. “My guess is the economy caused people to move out of the area looking for work. Commercial fishing was huge in this area in the early 1900’s, but if the fishing industry took a hit, people probably moved inward looking for something else. And fishing was difficult on families, with the husband being gone all the time. I’ve read that a lot of men gave it up because of that.”

  “Interesting.” I found it fascinating. The history and culture of this place was so very different from what I’d known in the south. In Tennessee, agriculture was dominated by cattle and cotton, and in Nashville, where I’d lived my entire life – until this year – everything had been about the music industry.

  “And nice that somehow it managed to stay in the Emerson family,” I said, even though one brother had sold it to another brother, who’d sold it back to him several years later, and then that brother had willed it to his son, who’d lived there until he moved away and sold it to a cousin, and so on and so on and so on.

  In addition to all that, there were also quite a few wills referenced. Those records were in a different set of books, so in my notes I wrote the book number of each one. I figured at some point we’d go through those as well, looking for names or places or anything else that might ring a bell.