Sin for Me

by Jackie Ashenden

  “Hello, Zoe. That was quick. I assume you’ve made a decision then?”

  “Yes.” Her heartbeat was racing, but at least she sounded cool and in control. “I’d like to accept your offer. I’ll leave Detroit. But I’ll want payment and confirmation of a place at Princeton before I go.”

  “Well of course.” There was no hesitation, like he already knew that was the decision she’d made. “It’s already arranged. The money’s in a special account right now, and if you give me your cell number, I’ll text you the details.”

  She felt cold, shaky. “What about the college stuff?”

  “I’ll call my contact tonight. It should be all set up by tomorrow.” A slight pause. “When can you leave Detroit?”

  She stared across her bedroom to the opposite wall, where her dresser mirror was, the edges of it covered with photographs she liked and had stuck there. Photographs of Gideon and her, and the others. Her little makeshift family.

  “I can leave whenever you like,” she said, her voice unsteady.

  “Excellent. The sooner the better I think. I’ll send a car for you, organize flights up to New Jersey. If you can be ready—”

  “I don’t want a car, and I don’t want you to arrange flights,” she interrupted, the backs of her eyes prickling. “All I want is the college placement and the money to pay for it. Anything else I’ll do myself.”

  There was a silence. Then he said, “Fair enough. But I’ll need proof you’re out of Detroit.”

  “I’ll text you with it.” She gripped her phone hard. “Wait, I’ve decided I want something else.”

  “I don’t think you’re in any position—”

  “You leave my family, you leave Gideon and all the others alone. And the plans for the Royal development are to go through without any fuss.” She took a ragged breath. “If they don’t, if you hurt any of them in any way, I’ll go to the media.”

  Novak gave a soft, cold laugh. “Ah, you’re a chip off the old block, aren’t you? But of course, Zoe. I scratch your back, you scratch mine, right?”

  “Eat shit and die,” she said calmly, and hit the disconnect button.

  Then she threw the phone down on her bed.

  It was done now, and it was better this way. This was her decision, her choice. To protect Royal and the small group of people she called her family.

  To protect the man who’d spent so many years protecting her.

  Because that’s what you did when you loved someone, wasn’t it? Not storming about and demanding to be treated like an adult, shouting that you knew your own mind and could make your own choices.

  Instead, you calmly went out and did what needed to be done to protect those you cared about. That’s what Gideon had done for her all those years, after all.

  It was time she returned the favor.

  * * *

  Gideon was about ready to strangle someone. Zoe still hadn’t turned up, and after he’d spent an hour or so arguing with the others, no decision had been reached about Novak either.

  Mainly, though, he found he was missing Zoe, which was ridiculous considering she was only just upstairs and he’d only been down here a couple of hours.

  “I don’t want you going to jail,” Rachel was saying, glaring at him. “That’s not going to happen.”

  “Damn straight,” Zee growled, pacing behind her. “There has to be some other answer.”

  Idiots. They’d been howling for his blood earlier over Zoe, and now they were all pissed because he was going to turn himself in.

  “I don’t know that there is any other answer,” he said patiently.

  “What about an anonymous tip-off?” Zee asked, pausing his pacing a moment. “Could that work?”

  “No. I wouldn’t put it past Novak to figure out where it came from and then start hunting the person responsible, i.e., me. Which could put us all at risk, and I’m not doing that.”

  Zee cursed, pushing his hands in his pockets and continuing to pace.

  “How long a sentence are you looking at?” This from Tamara, who was standing near Rachel, a worried look on her face.

  He hadn’t wanted to think about that, but looked like he was going to have to. “Not sure. Fifteen to life, maybe. Though I’d probably get some time knocked off depending on the info I manage to get them on Novak.” In reality he had no idea, but best to look at a worst-case scenario.

  Tamara paled. “Gideon, you can’t do that.”

  “You sure as hell can’t.” Rachel too had gone white. “We need you here. Royal needs you.”

  His heart twisted at the look on her face, the same look he could see echoed on Tamara’s and Zee’s and yes, even on Levi’s. But there wasn’t another answer. The alternative was Zoe permanently under threat from Novak, and that wasn’t going to happen either.

  He might go away for a long time, but at least she’d be safe. And the others would be free and clear to make Royal into the kind of neighborhood it should always have been.

  “I know you do,” he said steadily. “But Zoe is in danger, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to keep her safe. So if this is what I gotta do, then that’s what I gotta do. Besides, apart from anything else, I’ve done some bad stuff in the past. Maybe it’s time I paid for that.”

  Rachel grimaced. “But that was years ago. You’re not doing that stuff now.”

  “Does it matter how long ago it was? I’ve broken a lotta laws, Rach. Levi did the time for what he did. I’m not exempt just because I had a few good years.”

  Levi remained silent, standing off to the side with his arms folded across his massive chest, blond brows lowered.

  Rachel made an impatient sound, then turned to Levi and the others. “Come on, guys. We’re not seriously going to let him do this, are we?”

  “It’s not up to us,” Levi said shortly. “It’s up to Gideon.”

  “Oh bullshit, Levi. Don’t let—”

  “It’s okay, Rach.” Gideon walked forward and put a hand on her shoulder. He didn’t want them arguing among themselves, not about this. “Levi’s right. It’s my decision, not yours.”

  She turned her head, looking up at him, distress in her dark eyes. “We can’t let you go down for this, Gideon. It’s not . . . right.”

  “This is bullshit,” Zee said all of a sudden. “I’ve got some old contacts. Dad’s gone down, but I can call some people. We could do something that wouldn’t lead back to us. I bet Levi’s got a few favors he could call in too, right?”

  Levi glanced at him. “Yeah,” he said slowly. “I might.” “Then let’s fucking do it.” Zee turned on his heel, beginning to head toward the garage’s exit.

  “Zee,” Gideon forced himself to say. “Stop. That’s not what Zoe wants.”

  The other man turned, still walking backward. “Just let me make the calls, see what we can do. Come on, Tamara. I need you.”

  Tamara gave Gideon a worried look, then she followed after her lover, her heels making tapping sounds on the concrete.

  Levi rolled his shoulders, dropped his arms, then he too began to turn toward the exit.

  “Not you,” Gideon said sharply. “You don’t wanna break parole.”

  Levi’s glance was dark and intense and determined. “You make your decision, I’ll make mine.” He put out a hand toward Rachel, who took it. Then she glanced back at Gideon as she followed Levi out.

  “You’ve done what you can for us,” she said quietly. “Let us do something for you.”

  Gideon stood there for a long time after the others had gone, staring at the door they’d disappeared through.

  Zee was right, it was bullshit. His friends shouldn’t have to put themselves at risk for him.

  And they weren’t going to.

  He’d let them make the calls, let them at least explore other options. But he knew they wouldn’t find any. Just like he already knew what he was going to do. They wouldn’t be happy with him, but they’d have to suck it up.

  They were too important. Zoe was too
important. And as for him, well, maybe it was time for him to pay for the things he’d done. He’d been avoiding it long enough, after all.

  Gideon left the garage, heading upstairs to the apartment and letting himself in. It was quiet so he tried not to make a sound as he went down the hall to his bedroom in case Zoe was still asleep. But when he looked inside, the bed was empty.

  Okay, so she was up. Good. They needed to talk.

  Turning, he went back along the hall to the living room, pausing outside her room in case she was there, but that was empty too.

  He found her in the living room, sitting on the couch, a bulging duffel bag on the cushions beside her. She looked up as he came in, a smile bright as sunlight crossing her face, and then gone just as quickly, leaving a set kind of expression that made something in his gut clench tight.

  Slowly, she got to her feet. She was wearing what she usually wore, nothing different about that. A red T-shirt and blue skinny jeans, her faded blue Chucks on her feet. Except this time she was holding her leather jacket in her hand, the one he’d gotten her for her eighteenth birthday and that she never let out of her sight.

  He didn’t know where the foreboding that gripped him had come from, but it was there all the same, a winding thread of ice that had him tensing up as if expecting an attack.

  “What’s going on?” He glanced at the bag on the couch. “You going somewhere?”

  Her face was pale, but the determined look on her face was infinitely familiar. She’d made a decision about something, and he had a horrible feeling it wasn’t one he was going to like.

  “I heard you, Gideon,” she said quietly. “I heard you all talking downstairs.”

  He stilled. “Talking about what?”

  Her golden eyes were unblinking. “About Novak. About what you’re going to do.”

  “Zoe,” he began.

  “I don’t want you to go to the police,” she said before he could get anything else out. “I don’t want you going to jail for me.”

  He met her gaze, held it. “That’s not up to you.”

  “I don’t care. You’re not going to jail.”

  “No. You’re my responsibility, Zoe, you always—”

  “Novak is my father,” she interrupted with clear, calm certainty. “Which makes this my decision. I’m his target and once I’m gone, he won’t be aiming at Royal anymore.”

  Anger began to burn inside him, though at who or what, he didn’t quite understand. “If he’s in jail, he won’t be able to fucking aim at anyone.”

  “Except you’ll be there too. Which defeats the purpose, don’t you think?”

  “No, I don’t fucking think.” He took a step toward her. “This is the only way, Zoe. That deal he gave you? The money and college placement? It’s bullshit. While you’re alive, you’re a threat to him, and he’s not the kind of man who leaves loose ends lying around.”

  Her expression didn’t change. “I know that. I called him to say I accepted his ultimatum. He’ll be expecting me to head to New Jersey, but I’m not going there. I’m going . . . somewhere else, where he won’t be able to find me.”

  Gideon’s pulse slowed right down and nearly stopped. “What do you mean somewhere else?”

  “He wanted me to leave Michigan. So I will. I’ll just . . . I won’t go to New Jersey.”

  He stared at her, small and slender, with her bag at her side and her leather jacket in her hand. Little Zoe who’d never been anywhere but Chicago and Detroit in her entire life . . . “Where the hell are you going then? You have no money. You have—”

  “Novak put money in some special accounts for me. I have money.”

  But he was already shaking his head. “No. Just no. You’re not leaving, Zoe. You’re staying right here.”

  There was an achingly sad expression in her beautiful eyes that made his heart feel suddenly thin and fragile as glass. “I can’t and you know it. Staying will put the others at risk, and I’m not having you go to jail for my sake.”

  “You think I give a shit about jail?” He began to stalk toward her. “I couldn’t give a fuck.”

  “I know you don’t,” she said quietly. “But I do. You’ve already wasted years of your life looking after me, and I don’t want you to waste anymore.”

  “It’s not a fucking waste—”

  “No, Gideon. I’ve made my decision. The others, they’re my family, and I love them. I want to protect them. And I love you. I love you so much. . . .” Her voice cracked and she stopped, her throat moving as she swallowed, while he halted, standing there like a fucking idiot, suddenly unable to move. “Dammit, I should have just gone,” she went on. “I should have just left. But I thought that would be cowardly and I wanted . . . I wanted to say good-bye.”

  There was a roaring in his ears, her words sounding like they were coming from far away. Stupid. It wasn’t like he didn’t know any of these things; it wasn’t as if they were new. He knew she loved him, he’d always known that, and hearing her say it out loud didn’t make anything different.

  Yet he couldn’t move.

  The angry, possessive thing inside him was roaring at him, furious with denial. Shouting at him to go over to where she stood, take her in his arms, cover that gorgeous mouth of hers, stop all this bullshit about leaving, about protecting him, about how his life had been wasted.

  Because what did that matter? His life had been a bust right from the beginning, right from the moment his father had wrapped his fingers around his mother’s throat and choked her. That violent, jealous prick, taking and taking and taking, until finally he’d taken her life.

  All while Gideon had watched, terrified and not understanding what was happening until it was too late. Too late to save her.

  He’d spent years not wanting to be too late to save Zoe, and so far he hadn’t been. He’d kept her safe and that was what counted. Who cared about the rest of his life?

  And as to love . . . well, he knew how that went. Love was selfish and violent and it killed. He wanted no part of it.

  So, what? You could ignore her choice. Stop her from leaving. Keep her with you forever. But how does that make you different from your old man? You’re holding on to her, taking everything from her, choking her . . .

  Something was closing around his spun-glass heart. A fine pressure. And he could feel himself cracking, little fractures spidering everywhere.

  He knew himself too well. Knew that dark part of him, the one that was hungry for her, that wanted to keep her whether she wanted to stay or not. He should never have let it out, Jesus. Never.

  She was looking at him now, a gleam of pain in her eyes, along with what he thought was a fragile kind of hope, one she probably didn’t even realize was there.

  She was waiting for something.

  Of course she is. She wants you to tell her you love her.

  His hands closed into fists.

  If he gave her those words, she’d stay, he knew it as surely as he knew Royal Road in all its dirty, gritty glory. She would stay and he’d go to jail and then she’d be left alone. She would be trapped here, waiting for him, because of course she’d wait. While life passed her by and all the opportunities she should have had were gone.

  No. He couldn’t do it. Couldn’t say it. Because what did “I love you” mean anyway? Nothing. It only meant violence and pain and death.

  Far better to keep silent and let her go. Let her believe that leaving would save him when in fact, it was leaving that would save her. She needed to go out into the world without him. Finally get to have the life she should have always had, make the choices she needed to make and for herself, not him.

  She needed to have friends. Have lovers. She needed to experience everything life had to offer, not be forever stuck in Royal with a possessive mechanic with violence in his past.

  As for him, well, he’d go to the DA’s office anyway. No matter what she thought about vanishing, he couldn’t leave that to chance. Novak was going down, and if that involved a jail
term for him as well, then he’d take it. He’d do anything to keep her safe.

  “I guess this is good-bye then,” he said, unable to keep the rough sound from his voice.

  Something flashed over her face, a fleeting trace of shock, of agony, and then it was gone.

  The fractures in his heart deepened, the possessive hungry thing straining at the bars of the cage he’d put around it. But he wouldn’t give in. This was the first of the choices she needed to make, and he was going to let her make them. He wouldn’t try to stop her or change her mind.

  “So . . .” she said softly, her voice husky. “That’s it? Just . . . good-bye?”

  His jaw ached, every muscle he had coiled tight. “You wanted to go, Zoe. So go. I won’t stop you.”

  She blinked, the light catching on the tears in her black lashes, glittering like tiny diamonds, and her gorgeous mouth flattened as if she wanted to say something else and had caught herself just in time. Then she took a breath, the expression on her face closing up, a lone tear escaping out the corner of her eye and sliding down her cheek.

  He felt like the biggest prick to walk the earth, and he was sure the sound of the cracks in his heart getting worse were loud in the silence.

  But she only swallowed and gave a little nod. “Okay then,” she said. “That’s how it’s going to be.” Her hand gripped the strap of the duffel bag and she hooked it over her shoulder, her gaze meeting his, then flicking away. “Good-bye, Gideon.” She started toward the door, only to pause when she drew level with him. “Thanks. For everything.” She didn’t look at him.

  He had to ask. “Are you gonna come back?”

  “I don’t know.” She paused. “Do you want me to?”

  Yes. Stay with me. Never leave.

  Gideon said nothing.

  She gave a shake of her head, then moved past him, and he had to dig his nails fiercely into his palms to stop himself from reaching for her, from lifting her into his arms, taking her into his bedroom, tying her to the fucking bed. Never letting her leave his side again.

  Her footsteps grew fainter as she went down the hall and he stared across the room, out the window that faced the street, looking at nothing, not trusting himself to even move. Not until she’d gone.