The Path to Finding You

by S M Broad

  “Hey.” His eyes flick between Aayla and me as he points a finger at the back door, telling us he’s going to take the call outside. When the door closes, Aayla comes around the breakfast bar. Sitting down next to me, she grips my hand with hers.

  “We had sex.”

  “What?” Aayla asks in shock.

  “In the men’s bathroom.”

  “Holy shit, Leila.”

  “I don’t know what the hell I was thinking,” I say, rubbing my forehead as a sharp ache forms in my temples. “I was so overwhelmed by him. All these feelings just came rushing back.” I wave my arms around like a nutjob.

  “You still love him,” Aayla says matter of factly before taking a small drink of her steaming tea. I already know that, but I can’t think about it.

  I refuse.

  “Even if I did, which I don’t, it doesn’t mean anything.” I deny my feelings adamantly.

  “You’re stupid if you believe that.”

  “He told me to leave. That says it all, Aayla.”

  “Everyone makes mistakes, Leila.” She rubs my arm, warming my cold skin. “You’re never gonna get anywhere if you keep running away.” She speaks from personal experience.

  “Maybe things could work this time.” She shrugs a shoulder and stands, walking over to the stove where the honey is sitting.

  “I don’t want them to.” I fold my hands together on the counter.

  “You don’t?” She questions my extracurricular bathroom activity with a quirk of her perfectly shaped brow, drizzling the contents of the upside-down bear into her mug. “Are you sure about that? You did just, ya know...” She sets the plastic Winnie the Pooh full gold-colored liquid down, bites her bottom lip, and thrusts her hips back and forth suggestively. I try like hell not to laugh, but it’s precisely the reaction I would have.

  We’re too much alike.

  “Blah! I just want to breathe for five seconds. I can’t worry about him or how his shitty choices may hurt me. He won’t change,” I frown. “They never do.” I press my index finger to the t-zone of my brows in annoyance. I think about my dad, more un-affectionately known as the sperm donor. My mom asked him to change, and he left us all behind.

  “So, you just fucked him and ducked out of there?”

  “Aayla Noelle!” I balk at her harshness and unusual cursing.

  “Leila Ivy!” She mocks me, laughing. “All I’m saying is, maybe it’s actually worth talking to him, you stubborn ass. I mean, look what happened when I stopped fighting my feelings and listened to what Latham had to say.”

  Damn it, she’s right.

  But I just can’t.

  I sit there with a blank stare on my face as I look at the wall.

  “I think I’m going to go to bed.” Exhaustion settles over me, and I kiss Aayla on the cheek, saying goodnight. I climb the stairs to the guest room, falling into the soft cream-colored sheets. I don’t know how to feel about leaving tomorrow afternoon. I only have half a day with Aayla, and Hensley left, and sadness overtakes me.

  I’m gonna miss them too much, Kohen too but I've been missing him for almost four months, I’m used to it by now. My mind races, remembering everything about him. His beautiful blue eyes: that perfect smile, the way he makes me laugh. I lay there for over an hour, running my index finger over my lips where I can still feel his kiss. My brain kicks into overdrive, reminding me of the first time we had sex...

  I check myself in the mirror of the hotel, readying myself for my night with Kohen. This is my fifth visit to Grayson, our seventh official date, and I really like him. He’s so sweet, I’ve never met a man like him. He’s polite, chivalrous, and attentive. Nobody has ever made me laugh the way he does, his sense of humor is the same kind of sarcasm that I have.

  He’s handsome as hell, but most importantly, he makes me see that not all guys are complete assholes. I’ve been thinking about him nonstop since the night Aayla introduced us, and we’ve talked on the phone and texted every day too.

  Nerves wrack my body when there’s a knock at the door. I shove down my internal freak out and meet him, swinging open the door. He looks so handsome, even dressed casually in a pair of jeans, a faded blue t-shirt with his trademark ball cap. I want to jump him right now, but that might ruin the night. A smile lights his eyes, and he leans in to kiss me.

  “You look beautiful.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Are you ready to go?” He holds out his palm to me. I nod, taking his hand as he leads me to his lifted burnt orange Jeep Wrangler. He opens the door, helping me up into the passenger seat. He heads around the front and climbs into the driver's seat, starts it, and pulls my hand into his, rubbing my thumb.

  We head to the movie theater and park, get our tickets, some snacks, and then find our seats. I don’t pay attention to the movie because the only thing I want to do is kiss him, feel him moving over me. I’ve never wanted a man more than I want Kohen. He is so incredible, and I want to tell him that, show him how he makes me feel. I’m still trapped in my own thoughts when the theater lights come on, and people start to get up and leave.

  “Did you like it?” Kohen asks, but all I can do is stare at him.

  “Mhm,” I hum, too scared to say anything else. We throw away our stack of trash and leave the building, Kohen holding my hand as we find our way back to his Jeep. We climb in and sit there, the silence growing to an uncomfortable level.

  “Leila, is everything okay?” He asks nervously. I turn my head to see him staring at me, worry on his face. “You’ve been awfully quiet.”

  “Yeah, I’m sorry. I just have a lot on my mind tonight.”

  “Tell me what’s wrong.” He watches me for a few minutes. “Leila.”

  “I really dig you.” I blurt stupidly.

  I really dig you. Jesus, I’m lame.

  He chuckles softly. “I dig you too, babe.”

  Okay, that’s a good sign. Well, here goes nothing, I guess.

  “You’re amazing, and I want…” My voice fades out as I lose my nerve again. I look over at him, wearing an intense look on his face, his eyes bright, aroused.

  “You want what, Leila?” He pulls me by my legs to the middle of the bench seat. His minty breath blows across my face, cooling my overheated skin. I blush at the deep timbre of his voice, gulping down the nerves that keep building. I look up into his bright blue eyes, searching and find the same heat I’m feeling reflected back at me.

  “Tell me.”

  “You. I want you,” I whisper as I lean in to kiss him, our mouths opening to each other at the same time. Our tongues mingle, sending a jolt of pleasure through me. He pulls away, leaving me breathless and clears his throat, starting the Jeep.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Taking you back to my place.” He turns out of the parking lot onto the road, leading to his home. The tension is palpable by the time we pull into the complex parking lot. He jumps out without a word and runs around the front of the vehicle, swinging open my door as I push myself out into his arms. He laces our fingers together, leading the way to the door.

  He keys the lock and shoves the door open, pulling me in behind him. It’s barely shut when he cages me to the wall, bypassing my lips to kiss my neck. A gasp rushes out of my mouth, and I push my hands up his shirt, feeling his back flex under my touch. He growls against my neck, licking sensually as he inhales the scent of my perfume. It mixes with his cologne, creating an entirely new smell that makes me dizzy.

  We continue down the hall, tearing at each other’s clothes. We make it halfway to his room before he’s hovering over me on the floor, both of us naked as the day we were born. His gaze runs over my whole body as he drinks in my nude form. Eyeing me appreciatively.

  “Christ, you’re so gorgeous.” His compliment makes me blush. He nudges my legs open with his knee. Pausing to look at my face as he covers himself with the condom, I didn’t even see him pull out of his wallet, or wherever he was hiding it. I don’t care that he was expecting
sex, I’m too lost in all that is Kohen Stone.

  “Do you want me to stop?” He kisses the corner of my mouth.

  “Hell no.”

  “Thank fuck.”

  I swear his eyes roll back in his head as he stretches me with his thickness. I hold my breath, reveling in the pleasure he makes me feel.

  “Keep going,” I whisper, blowing out harshly against his neck, kissing the soft skin. He growls when my lips connect with the hollow space.

  “Kohen,” I gasp as he moves his powerful body over mine. He hisses out a curse under his breath, his erection flexing inside me. He rocks into me, creating a unique rhythm that curls my toes. The cold hardwood bites into my back, but I don’t care about the chill because we’re so immersed, worshipping each other’s bodies. We’re both taking as much as we’re giving.

  We push and pull, attracted like magnets as our climaxes build higher, and I know he’s close when I feel his legs start to shake. I dig my nails into the soft skin of his back, sending him tumbling over the edge, taking me with him. I bite my lip to keep quiet, but he pulls it free with his thumb.

  “Let me hear you.” His words make me brave, bold, and I let out a loud cry, my whole-body tingling. He shouts a string of expletives into the open air, grunting and moaning his own release. His body goes slack on top of me, exhausted from the exertion. His gaze roams my face before he dips lower, tasting my lips slowly. We lay there for a few quiet minutes before we reach his room where the activities continue well into early morning...

  I jerk awake with a deep ache between my legs. I rub my eyes with the heels of my hands, clearing the mixed haze of slumber and lust. I must have fallen asleep sometime during my thoughts and ended up dreaming of that night. I check my phone to see it’s nearly ten in the morning and I’ve got a missed call and a text from Kohen.

  Kohen: Please call me.

  You can’t avoid him forever.

  I know at some point I’ll need to talk to him, but for right now, I’m just not ready. I hear Hensley screaming downstairs, so I hoist myself out of bed and into the shower, the steam chasing away the last of my sleepiness. I pad downstairs, carrying my packed duffle, sad that I have to leave them so soon, but at the same time ready to get away from Kohen’s proximity. Being so close to him is clearly a dangerous thing. After breakfast, Aayla and I take Hensley to the park to spend the last couple of hours of our time together.

  My visits always pass too quickly; this one is no exception, and before I know it, it’s time to head for the airport. I hug Latham and Hensley, hopping into Aayla’s yellow Gremlin. This thing is ancient, but it was her dad’s, and Latham restored it as an engagement gift to her, so it runs like a dream. Perks of being married to a smokin-hot mechanic, I guess.

  The radio plays low, but we don’t talk, both of us unsure of what to say to each other. When we get to the airport, she parks in the drop off line, and we get out, staring at each other. When her eyes water over, it takes all my power not to cry myself. Instead, I pull her to me for a too short hug.

  “See you, soonish, yeah?” I wipe her face as she nods.

  “I love you, have a safe flight.” She squeezes me one last time.

  “Love you more.” I shuck my duffle over my shoulder, the sliding doors opening for me as I enter the airport terminal.

  “Love you most!” She yells to me, making me smile. I turn back to Aayla and wave one more time before heading to my gate.

  I give the attendant my ticket, and she checks it, smiling at me. I run to the bathroom before my flight boards, and when I come back, the door is open, and people are walking down the hallway connected to the plane. I run to get in line when the sound of my name halts me.

  “Leila.”

  I’d recognize that voice in a sea full of screaming people. How the hell did he even know I was here? Panic rises inside me when I glance over my shoulder and see him, but I don’t stick around to chat. I turn away, walking faster to get to the gate.

  “Leila!” His voice is rough and ragged, it makes my heart hurt. I stop again, turning back around to face him. He steps toward me as I take a step back, keeping the distance between us. I don’t know how to react or what to say. I feel so confused. I want to scream at him, slap him, rip his eyes out but at the same time, I want to jump into his arms and hold on forever.

  “Leila, please.” He begs, cracking my hardened emotional walls.

  “What, Kohen?”

  “It’s so good to hear you say my name.” He takes a step forward, reaching for me but drops his hand at the last second. “I’m sorry.”

  “You’re...Sorry? That’s all you have to say to me?” I can’t help the raise in my voice, the anger I feel taking over. I’m furious.

  “No, I’ve wanted to talk to you for weeks, but you’ve been ignoring me.”

  “Huh, I wonder why.”

  “I know. I hurt you.”

  “Hurt me? No,” I laugh dryly. “You broke me!” I yell, on the verge of tears. My high-pitched screech gets the attention of everyone around us. I suck the emotions in, stowing myself for the rest of this conversation. He steps back from my verbal slap.

  “I-I’m so fucking sorry.” his voice cracks, and it just breaks my heart more.

  “So, you say, but I’m not the one who gave up, you did. You threw me away.” I try my hardest to keep the dam up, to not let the tears fall. It’s harder when his shoulders slump in defeat, telling me what I already knew; I wasn’t enough to keep him.

  “Leila, I-” He starts to talk again but falls quiet when the words I’ve been keeping to myself for so long fall out.

  “I’m done, Kohen.” I silence him when he tries to talk again by slashing my hand through the air as if I’m crossing him out. “I can’t do it anymore; I can’t feel like this anymore.”

  He makes one more attempt to get to me, but I can’t let him touch me. The feel of his skin on mine will cause my willpower to fail.

  “Just go!” I yell at him the way he yelled at me. He stares at me for a beat before closing the space between us, holding me by my tense arms. His gaze pierces mine, silently begging. I thrash out of his grip, backing up. He flinches and holds up his hands, running his gaze from my neck to my hairline, his eyebrows pinched together. I flip around, ready to be twenty-five hundred miles away from him again.

  My fight or flight sense kicks in, and I run. I practically toss my ticket at the gate attendant’s face, jumping over the threshold of the hallway to escape Kohen.

  “Leila!” he calls frantically after me, increasing speed. He’s right on my heels, but the attendant stops him short.

  “Sir! Sir, if you don’t have a ticket, you can’t go through.” The woman’s voice is sympathetic, but I breathe a little easier, knowing he can’t follow me any farther. I look behind me, seeing his face crumple with pain as I force myself to walk away.

  Chapter 7

  The almost five-hour flight back to California is quiet and uneventful. I’m grateful for the peace. I pop my blue earbuds in, clicking shuffle on a Spotify playlist as “How Not To” by Dan + Shay filters through the tiny speakers. I’ve heard the song before, but I’ve never actually understood the lyrics until now. My body chills as the words assault me, swirling up feelings and thoughts I’d rather shove down. I lay my head back on the seat, closing my eyes as I absorb the words. The voices sing about trying to be strong, moving on from a breakup, but not being able to forget that one person. A painful relationship relapse if you will. Hot tears stream down my cheeks, but I’m unable to stop them. I wipe frantically at my face, feeling ridiculous for crying.

  Again.

  I rip out my earbuds and throw them back into my purse, hiccupping back a sob as an older man with graying hair in the seat next to me, turns to look at me. I glance over at him under my wet, mascara clumped eyelashes, trying to conceal my puffy face and my embarrassment.

  He offers me a red handkerchief out of his brown suede jacket pocket, and I accept it, blotting the tears away befor
e taking a deep breath of the soft fabric. It smells like an expensive aged whiskey and sweet cigars. It’s a comforting smell.

  “Thank you, sir.”

  “It’s no trouble, my dear. The name’s Irving Hughes.” He extends his left hand to me in greeting. To be polite, I return the light shake.

  “Leila Dennison.”

  “You okay, honey?” His gravelly, time-aged voice cuts through my emotion.

  “I don’t know,” I admit, hanging my head. He nods in understanding, patting my hand gently.

  “Well...I remember a time when I was a sad, broken man. It was not long after I lost my sweet Lydia to Alzheimer’s.” His eyes glaze over like he’s trapped in a memory. The emotion on his face is so strong, I have to look away, feeling like an intruder as he reminisces about his beloved wife.

  “But she’s always with me.” He taps his chest lightly. I understand he means he carries her memory in his heart.

  “What a lovely thing to say.”

  “Yes, but what I wouldn’t give to have her back. I know if I could, I would get off this plane and go straight to her. I would tell her how much I love her.” He looks over at me. “Have you lost your love forever?”

  “I don't know. Yes. No?” I shrug because my feelings are all tangled. “Not like you lost yours.”

  “All that is important is love, my dear. Nothing else comes close.”

  “What if that person has said horrible things to you? Things that hurt.” Why am I divulging my personal matters to this man? I don’t even know him, but he makes me feel so comfortable. He’s like that loveable grandpa you always look forward to seeing at family gatherings.

  “Words are simply that, darling girl, just words. They can’t be taken back, but that is what forgiveness is for. There’s always room for a second chance.”

  “Thank you,” I say, equally grateful for his generosity and his advice. He nods thoughtfully as I hand him back his handkerchief with a small smile. Irving watches me for another short moment before returning to his newspaper. I tip my head back on the seat again, resting my tired eyes while pondering his powerful words. Thoughts of Kohen attack my brain, images of his handsome face firing behind my eyelids. Memories of us blur together, one of my favorites filtering forward...