by Kahlen Aymes
Ryan got up and took his coffee cup to the sink. “No! You know me better than that,” he scoffed. He was right. I did. “You did ask me to sleep with you, though.” With his back to me, I couldn’t see his face and I wondered how he’d felt about that. Just hearing him say the words, affected me. My heart sped up and heat began to pool, my lower body began to throb in a persistent ache.
“But you didn’t? We’ve slept in the same bed before, Ryan.”
“Right. When you weren’t hopped up on X.” He leaned his back against the edge of the sink.
“Are you telling me my big strong Ryan might have been unable to resist?” My heart thumped in my chest. I’m not sure what made me so brave, but I wanted to know the answer.
“I don’t know what I would have done, and I don’t want to know.” He cleared his throat and turned back to me. “What do you want to do today?”
Clearly the subject was closed. “Don’t you have to study for the MCATs?”
“Later, sure. We can goof off for a few hours. If you want to.”
“Yeah. That would be fun. Then should I help you study? Do you need me?”
He nodded, his deep blue eyes holding mine like a magnet. “Yeah, that would be good. Should I take you home for a shower? Or, I can give you a pair of my sweats and a sweatshirt until I take you home to change.”
“I choose here. The quicker I get a shower, the least offensive I’ll be. I’m sure I smell pretty sour.”
“No. Even last night when you were puking, you smelled like your perfume,” Only Ryan would say that. “I told you, you took a shower last night before you went to bed.”
“Okay, so I’ll shower here, and in the meantime, you can come up with something you want to do today.”
“We could drive up to San Francisco.”
“Okay,” I nodded. “That sounds fun.” Anything that meant a day with Ryan was what I wanted. “Fisherman’s Wharf would be fun, but is it too cold to walk around?”
“We’ll see how you’re feeling after you clean up, but I think we can bundle up enough. The sun is shining, so that should help.”
Aaron burst through the front door. Sometimes he was larger than life, boisterous and loud, but he stopped short when he saw me in nothing but Ryan’s white shirt. “Hey,” he said hesitantly. “Uh, am I interrupting something?” He looked from one of us to the other.
“Nope.” My eyes implored Ryan to keep the humiliation of the night before between us. “I just had a few too many lemon drops last night. Ryan took pity on my puke-y self and held my hair back, that’s all.”
“Oh,” Aaron said, but he was looking at Ryan for his reaction. “Lemon drops, huh?”
“Yep,” Ryan agreed. “We’re thinking of taking a drive to San Francisco today. Do you and Jen want to come?”
“Yeah, maybe. I’ll call her.”
I took a quick shower and put on the clothes Ryan gave me. The sweatpants barely hung on my hips, and I had to keep hiking them up. Thank goodness the sweatshirt he’d given me covered any bare skin that might show. I didn’t have clean underwear, so I had to go commando. I picked up the hair dryer that was hanging over the towel rack next to the mirror and turned it on, using it to dry the fog from the mirror, then put it back.
I didn’t have a shred of make-up on and could do nothing about it until I got back to my apartment to change. When I went into the living room, Ryan was dressed in jeans and a nice navy blue sweater. It pulled out the color in his eyes, and the effect was stunning. He was waiting for me on the couch with some football game on the TV, and I stopped a few feet from him. He glanced up, taking in the baggy clothes, the high heels hanging from one hand, and the black, sparkly dress hanging over my arm. I hadn’t taken a purse to the bar the night before, so I stuffed my ID, the money I had left, and my dirty panties in my bra. It was an absurd situation, but there was nothing I could do about it.
“Uh, this is going to be interesting. I have no shoes.” I wagged the shoes in front of him.
He flashed a big smile. “Hold on.” He got up and went into his room again, emerging with a pair of thick socks and a pair of his Adidas. “Try this.” He handed them to me.
I huffed out a small laugh. “Ryan, these are gigantic. I’ll have to shuffle like a little kid.”
“Put on the socks, at least.”
“Then what? They’ll just get wet. I’ll have to go barefoot. Just run fast.”
“Put on the socks, Jules.”
I twisted my face and sat down on the couch to do as he asked.
“Aaron, I’m going to take Julia home to change. I’ll call you when she’s ready to see if you guys are coming with us!” Ryan called down the hall to his brother.
“I called her.” Aaron’s voice was muffled from behind his closed door. “We’re in. I’m starving so let’s get breakfast first.”
Ryan looked at me. “Do you feel well enough for that?”
“Yeah, I’m feeling a lot better.”
He walked down the hall and cracked open Aaron’s door. “Okay, Stacks in an hour.”
“Done,” Aaron replied.
“I probably don’t need an hour, Ryan.”
“Jen will, though.” He rolled his beautiful eyes and my heart swelled. I was going to be with him all day long and nothing could make me happier. Maybe getting drunk was worth it.
We walked to the door and Ryan stopped. His arm wrapped around the back of my waist and he bent to slide his other one behind my knees.
“You’re carrying me to the car?” I said as he hoisted me off the floor, as if I was a feather.
“Unless you have a better idea?”
I stared into his face but in that moment, could think of nothing to say. I shook my head.
“Good, open the door.” I plopped the shoes in my lap and reached out to do as Ryan asked. It was cold, but I barely noticed.
“Shit,” Ryan muttered. “I forgot to get my keys out of my pocket. Um…” He considered for a split second then set me down on the hood of the car. It was like sitting on a block of ice.
“Holy crap, that’s cold.” I started to shiver almost immediately. “Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!”
He rushed as he unlocked the door and left it open. “What does it look like I’m doing?”
He put his arms around my waist and butt then pulled me from the car. He surprised me and I squealed as I slid down and clutched at his shoulders, his hands settled under my butt cheeks. It was awkward and clumsy, but laughable, like some old Three Stooges movie. I pulled my knees up to keep my feet from touching the wet ground. Ryan chuckled. “Well? Put your legs around my waist.”
I did it but couldn’t help but giggle at the absurdity of the situation and Ryan laughed with me. He had to move me a few feet around the open door and into the CRV. Within seconds he was sitting me down on the seat. “I bet you say that to all the girls.” I couldn’t help the teasing remark.
He grinned. “Ha ha, Jules,” he mocked. “You’re hilarious!”
Peals of laughter burst forth from both of us as Ryan pushed my legs around and I used one of my feet to shut the door. We were still laughing when he started the car and drove the short distance to my apartment, but we didn’t speak the entire way.
When he parked, we looked at each other. “I suppose we’ll have a repeat performance?”
“Piggyback is easier to manage this time.”
“Sounds good,” I said, my voice steady. I wanted to look at him and never stop. He was beautiful in so many ways. I loved him so much I couldn’t breathe and I had no choice but to admit it to myself, even if he’d never know.
“Listen, I shouldn’t have invited Jen and Aaron. It should have been just us today.”
I nodded and looked down at my hands then glanced back at him. “It’s okay. It’s still us. Always.”
“Yeah, I guess.” The car was still running. “What are you doing after graduation, Jules? You know I’m applying to Harvard, but what about you? I know you want to work for a magazine
, but where?” The MCATs were the last thing he needed. His college GPA was a 4.0 and he had stellar recommendation letters lined up. His father was a Harvard Medical School alumnus, which would help, too. It was a shoe-in he’d make it and then he’d be gone. In less than a year, he’d be gone from me. Obviously, Ryan had thought about it, too.
I lifted my shoulder. “One of the biggest markets, I hope. L.A., Chicago, or New York. That’s a long time away, though.” I tried to make light of just how heavy the thought of it weighed on me.
“Not too long. Look how fast it’s gone. I’m taking the MCAT next month.”
“I know, Ryan.” How could he think I’d forgotten any little detail about his life? Maybe he was testing me.
“When I first got to Stanford, I couldn’t wait to be finished so I could get to med school.”
“I think every eighteen-year-old kid thinks that way about four more years of school, but looking back, it’s been the greatest experience of my life. My dad says that once you get out of school, your life flies by in a flash, so we should enjoy every second.”
“Yeah, it’s true.”
“I’ll always remember you, Ryan. You are the biggest and best part of my college experience.”
He frowned. “What are you talking about? We’re always going to know each other.”
My heart seized, and my throat tightened. I swallowed to try to remove the large lump forming in my throat. “Life has a way of happening. You’ll be busy with school.”
“So? I won’t be too busy for you. We’ll still talk every Sunday; I promise.”
I blinked at the tears stinging my eyes as I sat in his truck, engine running, in his baggy sweats, shirt, and socks. Here was my best friend, the absolute most important person in my life… in probably ever, and the prospect of the future didn’t feel so great.
When I didn’t speak, Ryan reached out for my hand and pulled it onto his thigh. “Okay? Say okay, Jules.”
I nodded, still unable to look at him. He squeezed my hand; his own folded around to fully encapsulate mine. He shook it to make me look at him. “It’s a year away, Ryan. Do we have to think about that now?”
“Say it.”
“Okay, Ryan.”
He smiled as only he could, lifted my hand, and kissed it. It was the first time he’d ever done that and I held in a gasp. “Good! Let’s go! We only have twenty minutes to get to Stacks.”
I smiled through my tears and groaned mockingly. “See? You and your babbling will mean I’m ugly today. I have no time to get ready.”
After he shut off the engine, Ryan got out, ran around the front of the car, and pulled the door open. He turned his back. “Hop on, helpless.”
I wrapped my arms around him, and his arms slid under my legs to lift me out of the car in one motion onto his back. He turned, and again, I pushed the door shut with my foot. I couldn’t help laying my head down on his back the entire walk into the building; thanking God I’d met him. It wasn’t long enough.
~12~
Ryan’s Discovery
On Monday, Wednesday and Friday, my second to last semester classes ran from 8 AM until noon. I liked the afternoons free, plus the scheduling spaced out the final exams. I didn’t have any classes with Ryan this semester, despite all my trying. He had way too many science and math classes to finish and had no time for electives. I was in a good place to graduate and though I had upper level classes, I didn’t have to work as hard as Ryan did. We made a habit of meeting for lunch at least once a week; more if we could manage it. He had advanced Organic Chemistry at 2 PM, and we generally went to the student snack bar on Fridays. Ellie had asked to join us today, so we were meeting in the cafeteria.
I searched the crowd for the golden brown head I loved. Yes, I loved Ryan. I officially admitted it to myself last semester the day Jen, Aaron, Ryan and I went to San Francisco, but really, it had happened about the second time I’d laid eyes on him. After four years, Ryan was still my best friend, my calm in the storm, my rock. We were pretty much inseparable and despite our fights and the huge pull that sometimes gave us issues, we depended on each other unconditionally. There wasn’t a day we hadn’t seen each other since we met, other than the one silly time he said he couldn’t hang out with me because of his school obligations and school breaks when we each went home to see our families. Though, after that first year, we spent most of those together too. He was gorgeous, brilliant, funny, and sensitive. We told each other everything, which was both a blessing, and a curse.
There were easily 600 students milling around the large room filled with long tables, and the din was deafening. I longed for our usual booth in the snack bar. Sometimes, I took my books to study and he’d come back to get me after his last class.
Someone shoved into my shoulder as they made their way past me. I stumbled and almost fell down, the guy’s momentum slamming me into the brick wall on my right.
“Hey!” I grunted as my shoulder exploded in pain. “Watch it, will ya?” I almost dropped my backpack as my left hand moved to my injured appendage.
The man was large and oafish; his focus obviously on the food line. He looked back briefly, but said nothing, just shot a look over his shoulder at me then stopped dead when he ran into someone else. This time, he was the one knocked down when he came in contact with the solid wall that was Ryan. A scowl was firmly in place on his perfect face as he looked down on the larger man now sprawled in front of him on the floor.
“Watch where the fuck you’re going, asshole! Say you’re sorry.”
“Fuck off. You ran into me,” the downed man muttered.
“I didn’t mean to me, dickhead. Her!” Ryan growled as he nodded in my direction. “You smashed her into the goddamn wall! She could have been seriously hurt as you hauled your fat ass to the trough!”
I almost laughed out loud and bit my lip as I looked on. Ryan stepped around the kid, who scrambled clumsily to his feet at the same time. The arm that came around my waist was gentle, concern etched on Ryan’s face. “Julia, are you okay?” His hand ran over my hurt arm lightly.
“Yeah. It was an accident,” I said softy, the fingers of my other hand curling into the fabric of the back of Ryan’s navy blue button-down.
“The hell it was.” I thrilled at the hard tone in Ryan’s voice and his rush to come to my aid. It swelled my heart even though I knew he was just being Ryan. “Say you’re sorry. Now!” he commanded of the flustered kid.
By now, we’d garnered the glances of several other students and a small crowd was beginning to form.
“Look, I’m really sorry.” The guy was flushed and embarrassed. He was out of shape, and Ryan was lean, tall and strong. Even though smaller in weight, he towered over the other man and was defined by solid muscle.
“Stop being such an inconsiderate dipshit and pay attention to where you’re going. Look at how little she is!” Ryan was still pissed, and I longed to put the last few minutes behind us. My shoulder throbbed, but I was over it.
I tugged on the back of my best friend’s shirt. “Come on. Let’s find Ellie,” I pleaded. Ryan finally turned and lifted my backpack off my shoulder.
“Are you sure you’re okay? Can you move your shoulder?”
I rolled my eyes and closed my fingers around his bare forearm. The long sleeves of his shirt were rolled up above the elbows, and the soft covering of hair was like silk over the strong muscles of his forearms. My fingers weren’t long enough to reach much more than halfway around. He hoisted my backpack up onto his shoulder next to his own.
”I’m fine.”
I noticed the eyes —mostly female eyes—on us as we navigated our way through the rows of tables searching for Ellie. Women envied me; even hated me. I was used to it by now, but was still conscious of every glare. Some of them pretended to be my friend just to get closer to Ryan but I was getting good at spotting it early now.
They envied me, but I was jealous of those who knew what it was like to be held in his arms, to feel kisses from
his perfect mouth, to make love with him. We were close, but there were holes that couldn’t be filled without violating our friendship; a friendship I wouldn’t risk. I was so green, sometimes I couldn’t stand it, and worse, it had become a constant ache.
We spotted Ellie on the far side, standing on one of the chairs, waving her arms wildly.
“There she is,” Ryan pointed out. “That’s not weird at all.” He rolled his eyes.
I laughed at her silliness. She was flamboyant and didn’t give a shit what anyone thought. Not that I tried to blend in, but I certainly didn’t make a spectacle of myself either.
“Took you long enough,” Ellie grumbled as she plopped back down in her chair.
We each pulled out a chair, and Ryan dumped both backpacks in the empty one to his left while I took the one between Ellie and him. “I got sidelined for a minute, that’s all, Ellie.” I wrinkled my nose at the bowl in front of her. Cottage cheese, raw broccoli, and sunflower seeds. Ugh.
She stopped eating and looked at me. “Why?”
“Some dumbass plowed her into a wall.”
“Ryan knocked him down,” I said flatly and started tracing imaginary circles on the table with my index finger.
“No, I didn’t. He wasn’t watching where he was going. I just didn’t move out of the way. Little bits of Newton’s Laws are in there somewhere. Body in motion, outside force, mass,” his eyebrows rose in emphasis, “velocity, opposite and equal reaction. That’s me. Outside force. Maybe a little more than equal reaction in this case.”
“You’re such a science snot,” I shot back.
He laughed. “That’s why you love me.” He moved a hand down the front of his shirt as he sat back in his chair, smirking. “All this and brains, too.” Ryan had taken and passed his MCAT with flying colors just a couple of months back. His score of thirty-eight put him in the ninety-ninth percentile. Ridiculous.
“Yeah. And your incredible humility is what closes the deal.” My tone was deadpan and I stifled the urge to laugh but didn’t quite get the job done. His smile was brilliant, and it went all the way into his eyes, only making him more mesmerizing. I soaked in every line of his face.