by Kahlen Aymes
Ellie glanced from one of us to the other, knowingly. “Aren’t you guys eating?”
“Yep.” He got up and walked away leaving Ellie and me sitting at the table.
“What about you?” Ellie nudged me slightly.
“Ryan will bring me something.”
“But, you didn’t tell him what to get.”
I shrugged. “Whatever he picks will be fine.”
“You guys are like Siamese twins. We should go to The Mill tonight. A bunch of people were talking about it in my fashion merchandising class. It sounds like fun.”
“Okay. Sure.” The Mill was a medium-sized college bar with a DJ and dancing. It was always packed to the gills.
“Hey, girly.” I looked up to find Jason Milner hovering over us. “Are you done with that assignment for Jelinek’s class?” Girly? Was he twelve?
It was an international marketing class in which we had to research a culture from another country, write a paper on it, and then in the second half of the semester we would write another to market a product pointing out the differences in process due to culture.
“Hmmph!” I scoffed. “Yeah, right. That isn’t due for two weeks. You?”
“Not yet. I thought we could work on it together.”
I bristled in my chair at his obvious advances. “Um... we have different countries, Jason, so that would be impossible.”
“Yeah, but Julia...” Jason began. He was good looking with dark hair and bright blue eyes. A striking combination that most women were drawn to, but I was immune. One, because when he opened his mouth it completely erased his charm and two, Ryan.
Ryan returned with a tray full of sandwiches, chips, fruit and cookies. He set a bottle of green tea in front of me, and looked pointedly at Jason.
“Excuse me, man, but you’re occupying my space.”
“Your space?” Jason asked sarcastically. “Your name’s not on her Matthews. Besides we’re talking academics.” I flushed at the implications, but smiled at what happened next.
Ryan burst out laughing, over-exaggerating it by holding his stomach and wiping an imaginary tear from his eye. “Hahahaha! That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day, dude! Seriously, that’s a good one!” Ryan openly mocked then glanced down at me to check if I really wanted to talk to Jason. I shook my head a fraction of an inch. The look of trepidation in my eyes was all Ryan needed. “But, your ass is still in my space.”
With a scowl, Jason stood to go, but hesitated as Ryan sat down and started doling out food. He held up some strawberries and looked at me. I nodded, and he set them down in front of me then took one and popped it in his own mouth. He picked up half of one of the sandwiches and traded with the other one so we both had part of each. None of it went unnoticed by the man now standing over us.
“I guess I’ll see you in class, Julia.”
“Okay,” I answered back casually, absorbed in what Ryan was doing.
Jason moved to a table near us and sat with another guy. I could feel his eyes boring into my back as I began to eat the lunch Ryan laid out in front of me.
“So? The Mill tonight?” Ellie asked again.
I nodded, picking up half the sandwich. “Sure. You up for it, Ryan?”
“Uh, can’t tonight, but you should go have fun.”
I waited for a reason, but he said nothing, instead concentrating on his lunch. I noticed the occasional glance out of his peripheral vision at Jason who continued to look on with interest while Ellie and I made plans for the evening.
I had that sinking feeling which had become like ESP every time Ryan had a date. My heart fell like a stone into the pit of my stomach.
“Julia!” Ellie broke me out of my thoughts. “So, we’ll shop this afternoon and get something hot to wear tonight.”
I tried to lift the corners of my mouth in the start of a smile, but didn’t quite make it and so contented myself with a nod.
“Ryan, is Aaron going out with you? If so, we’ll call Jen to see if she wants to come along.” Ellie was brilliant. She knew I needed the answer even if I hadn’t told her how I really felt.
“Um, no. I don’t know what he’s doing. Maybe they’ll both wanna go,” he murmured softly.
The food in my mouth suddenly turned to cardboard, and I put the remainder of the sandwich down on the plate and turned to him. “Is it a secret or are you going to tell us what you’re up to tonight?” I asked, trying to lace my voice with a lightness I didn’t feel.
“I have a date with Samantha Cosen.” He appeared uncomfortable, shifting uneasily in his chair as his eyes met mine. I remembered her. She was pretty and he’d gone out with her a time or two before. I figured that was a done deal since he hadn’t pursued her further. I couldn’t help the way it hurt... just as it did every time he spent his time with someone else.
“Oh.” I picked up my drink and searched my brain for a way to bury the way my heart was aching inside my chest. My throat started to close, and I wanted to get out of there before my emotions got the better of me. I pushed the food away and gathered up my backpack off the chair.
“Will I see you after class? Should I meet you in the Student Union?” Ryan’s blue eyes questioned, his brows dropping over his eyes slightly. He was puzzled by the sudden change in my demeanor, disappointment evident on his face. Though, his own discomfort at disclosing his plans was telling. He knew it would bother me, and I hated that I wasn’t better at hiding it.
“Um, I don’t think so. I have to study awhile before Ellie and I go shopping.” I slung the bag over my shoulder. “What time, Ellie?”
“I’m done now. Are you sure you have to study? It’s Friday, Julia!” Ellie encouraged.
I sighed in relief; grateful she would secure my clean escape from the cafeteria. “Yeah. You’re right. I just need to drop off my stuff at the apartment.”
She smiled brightly and stood up. “Me, too. See you later, Ryan.” She started to put her dishes back on her tray and I took some leftovers off mine and stacked them alongside.
“I can take care of that, Jules. Don’t worry about it,” Ryan murmured, his eyes watching my face.
I somehow managed to smile at him. “I got it. Talk to you tomorrow.” I nudged his shoulder with my uninjured one because I couldn’t help myself. I hated it when we had any sort of distance between us and this was my cross to bear. It wasn’t his fault I was in love with him so I shouldn’t punish him for it.
“Call you later?” he asked hopefully.
“That’s okay. Concentrate on your date. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
He nodded slowly as Ellie and I turned to make our way to empty the trays and then left the cafeteria.
*****
Ellie was disappointed, even pissed that I changed my mind. I didn’t feel up to going out, even though it was probably in my best interest to get out the apartment and be with friends.
My heart hurt and I didn’t feel strong enough to put on a happy face. Even for her.
I wandered aimlessly around the apartment after she left, wrapping my arms around myself and trying not to cry. I didn’t want to watch TV. I didn’t want to study. I tried to eat a sandwich, but it tasted like dust in my mouth and I ended up throwing three-quarters of it in the trash. The clock on the cable box blurred in front of my eyes as I stared at it for what seemed like hours. My throat tightened in protest and the huge hole in my chest expanded. I felt sick inside.
Ryan! My mind screamed relentlessly. Why didn’t it get easier?
I closed my eyes and pressed my head back into the cushions, trying not to let the tears that threatened to choke me spill over. I gave it a good fight, swallowing the pain over and over until I couldn’t take it anymore. My lips started to tremble and the fat tears that were building in my eyes, fell in two heavy drops down my cheeks as a soft sob broke from my chest and erupted into the room.
I tumbled over on the couch and pulled my knees up, wrapping my arms around them, hoping that if I could keep the shaking so
bs from becoming more pronounced, I could somehow manage to contain the misery I was feeling.
I shouldn’t have bothered. My heart was broken. Again.
My eyes squeezed shut, forcing the tears to push out even faster. Why did it hurt so fucking bad? I knew when the sun came, up he’d call and probably come over. I’d see him and nothing would come of his date with this woman. I knew it. Yet every time, I was literally in hell. It was getting worse as time wore on. It was to the point I couldn’t breathe, and I was barely able to keep it to myself. I wanted to wail and shout at him.
I wanted him to be with me. I wanted him to kiss, touch, and make love with me. Jealousy burned with the desperation and despair that ate away at my insides. Finally, I just gave in to the torrent of tears and cried my heart out.
Ryan, please—don’t! Don’t make love to her. Please, it kills me. I’m the one who loves you. I’m the one... Even if it were only fucking, I couldn’t stand it anymore.
The words replayed over and over inside my head as I silently begged the man I loved to see me for who I was. My heart knew that no one could ever love him as much as I did. It wasn’t possible.
Seconds, minutes, or hours passed. I wasn’t sure how long I lay there crying in the darkness. Finally, my sobs ebbed, and my tears slowed to a slow stream, dripping from the corners of my eyes and leaving wet trails down the sides of my face to pool into the poor pillow beneath my head.
My eyes felt so tired. At least the crying exhausted me so maybe I’d be able to sleep. Sleep was my one true place of solace. If I was lucky enough not to dream.
I pushed myself into a sitting position and sniffed. It was dark, and the clock read just after eleven. Not even midnight yet. I stood and walked to the kitchen to find some candles and get some water and a Kleenex. My sore eyes couldn’t take the full-blown light, but I felt the need to draw.
My secret saved me on nights like this. Over the years at school, I’d drawn his image over and over again. A world I created where he belonged only to me; my beautiful, perfect Ryan; gorgeous, yes, but brilliant and giving, funny and warm. I needed him like I needed air to breathe. No matter how many times my head tried to deny it, or I tried to push it down for the sake of our friendship, the truth rocked me to the core.
I moved around the room lighting the candles then to the drawing table Ryan had given me last year for Christmas. I pulled out a piece of the expensive linen paper I saved for his portraits and my charcoal pencils. I sat there for a moment, staring at the blank page, my fingers running lovingly along its starkness while the image I would put down formed in my mind.
When his features began to materialize on the page in front of me, calm finally settled over me. I inhaled so deeply I thought my lungs would burst; my right hand drew the outline of his face, the strong jaw, and the crooked smirk on those full lips that I loved.
Ryan was mine. He’d always be mine. My heart couldn’t accept anything else.
It was a nice spring night and I was sitting across from a beautiful woman at a casual Italian restaurant near campus. Maybe, the moon was out, and a soft breeze rustled the leaves of the trees that were situated around the patio where we were sitting. There could have been a conversation going on, and a waiter may have been by with an appetizer and fresh drinks.
Maybe.
My eyes skittered over the smooth expanse of creamy skin visible above the low-cut neckline of the red blouse my dinner companion was wearing, but I wasn’t really seeing her. I tried to shake myself back into reality and concentrate on her words.
“Ryan? Are you with me?” My eyes met hers briefly and I forced the corners of my mouth to lift in a wry smile. I’d met her in chemistry when Professor Jannis assigned lab partners. I think it was sometime during the first semester of my sophomore year.
Since then I’d seen her at parties, had a couple more classes with her, and we might have even screwed once; I couldn’t remember. I grimaced slightly at the hole in my memory. She was a nice girl; intelligent, with a taut body and beautiful features. Very beautiful, but the problem was; none of that mattered in the slightest. She wasn’t the woman I wanted to be spending this evening with... or any evening for that matter.
I found myself yearning for long, flowing chestnut locks instead of shoulder length blonde hair; warm green eyes and not icy blue ones. Those deep green eyes saw right through me, let me be me and encouraged me whenever I doubted myself. I tried to swallow, but it felt like something stuck in my throat. Whatever it was, it physically hurt. My repeated attempts to push it down were pointless and I resisted the urge to claw at my neck with my hand. As the time at Stanford ticked down, I found myself more and more aware of the knife digging into my heart. I was more and more aware that soon life would take us in different directions. This was the last year. A semester and a half was all we had left. I’d done well on the MCAT, and the Harvard application had been sent. Julia had helped fill it out, and she refused to let me apply to other med schools… insisting that Harvard was my destiny. I wasn’t sure anymore what my fucking destiny was. The vision of it had become obscure.
What in the hell was I doing here?
My heart pounded in my chest, a slight sheen of perspiration broke out on my forehead, while my fingers itched to pull out my phone and check for a call. I must have done so at some point because I found myself staring down at the blank screen and blinking several times to try to change the image. My heart fell.
What the fuck? What did you expect, asshole? I chastised myself. Julia knew I had a date tonight, and Ellie planned a girls’ night out at one of the campus hangouts. She was bright with an effervescent personality that drew people to her. She was fun, exciting, and she thought about shit like I did. She had opinions and they were solid. Wherever she was, she was surrounded with people clamoring for some of her time. She wasn’t just beautiful; she was incredible. She was good. People flocked to her. Men didn’t just want to fuck her. They wanted to know her, and that fact scared the shit out of me. I’d seen it sophomore year when that user, Dave Kessler, tried to land her. I was terrified some nameless guy would sweep in and try to replace me in her life.
Julia. Her name reverberated in my brain and shivered through my soul.
Who was I fucking kidding with this shit? I ran a hand through my hair and sat back in the chair, praying the evening would end so I could check on her.
Where was she, and what was she doing? Was she home? Would she be alone? I couldn’t shut off my mind, and I was tormented by the lack of answers. The tightness in my chest got worse and I sucked in a deep breath in a desperate attempt to keep from suffocating.
My thoughts were consumed with her more and more lately, but still, I tried to tell myself she was only my best friend. Only my best friend? Those words shaped my entire life at this point. I tried to shake it again, but nothing I did could change my feelings. Nothing. My eyes roamed the restaurant and longingly passed over the front entrance; the portal for my escape.
I knew I needed to get my head on straight, but my heart wasn’t listening. My body wasn’t listening. I was consumed; day and night. Julia was all I thought about. When I was away from her, I couldn’t wait to get back to her and when I was with her, I was dying to touch her. And her mouth... Jesus, I wanted to taste that mouth. I was starving to finally kiss her. It was like I was in the deepest hell because I couldn’t act on it.
“Ryan!” This time the voice was irritated and it was another mouth speaking. I forced my blurry eyes to focus on her face. It didn’t matter that I wanted to bolt for the door or that it felt like my fucking skin was crawling off my body. I was here, and I owed it to Samantha to get through the evening.
“Uh, sorry, Sam. What were you saying?” I flushed guiltily and tried to carry on the most basic conversation, hoping she would want the evening to end as badly as I did. She prattled on and on about mind-numbing bullshit I couldn’t recall five minutes later.
Somehow, I made it through the next two hours but the last few
minutes were the worst. I’d peeled the girl off me when I’d taken her home, telling her the food made me feel ill so I could make a hasty retreat. She was disappointed; she wanted more, but it was impossible. It couldn’t happen. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Something had happened to change me. No longer could I act on instinct and pure animal need. Someone had happened, and that someone was in my heart and in my head… under my fucking skin.
I was such a coward. Tell the fucking truth, for God’s sake! Just admit it! You’re head-over-heels in love with your best friend. Be a man, finally. Make her see you for more than her friend.
I’d known it for almost three years, but somehow, admitting it put the relationship we had at risk, teetering on the precipice of uncertainty. I wasn’t willing to risk the fall. I wasn’t willing to risk the loss. I’d been forcing myself to continue with business as usual but I was precariously close to slipping up on so many occasions; so often, almost touching her face, pressing into her when we hugged goodbye, or spilling my guts on the floor at her feet. All of that was dangerous.
We knew each other inside and out. Julia and I didn’t have secrets... except for how crazy in love with her I was and how desire and jealousy were eating me alive. One thing I was sure of; I did not want to lose her. I needed her. She was everything, and I... well, I was seriously screwed. I tried not to hope she mirrored my feelings because then I’d be lost. There were moments, like today at lunch, when I sensed the way she withdrew from me, when hope nudged into my heart at the same time as it ached. If we were only friends, why did I feel so damn empty when I was with someone else? Why did I feel guilty? Why did she close off like she did?
I sighed deeply as my fingers tightened around the steering wheel of my car. I realized I was sitting in front of the building where Julia shared an apartment with Ellie, but without any memory of how in the hell I’d gotten there.
I glanced up at the second-story window of their living room, and there was a low flickering light. Candles. I closed my eyes as my heart constricted. I knew she had boyfriends; I’d had to mentally school myself to back off, but it never got any easier. In my mind and heart, she belonged to me, and the thought of anyone else touching her ate away at my insides like acid. I’d never touched her like that, but still, it was killing me that anyone else would. That she would allow it, or want it, was more than I could stand thinking about.