Bittersweet Farm 2: Joyful Spirit

by Barbara Morgenroth

“You’re welcome here any time, Josh,” Lockie said. “Go have some cookies and milk and I’ll get there when the horses are turned out.”

  ***

  I poured some ginger ale for Josh knowing he preferred that to cola when he had a choice and brought out a platter of chocolate-orange biscotti Jules had made earlier in the week. Josh sat at the table on the terrace, in his favorite chair, at least it was the one he wound up using if I wasn’t already in it.

  Josh was my oldest friend, besides Rogers, and I didn’t want to grow so far apart we never saw each other anymore. I expected we would go in different directions after graduation but had never pictured what that would be like in practice.

  “Rogers called me this afternoon. She was unhappy,” Josh said.

  I had told her of my change of plans. “About my leaving The Briar School?”

  “Yes. Why are you doing it?”

  “I can see my future,” I replied.

  “Are you getting agoraphobic?”

  I laughed. “No, I’m not afraid to leave the farm. I don’t want to leave. I have other things to do. You know how that is. You went off on the grand tour across the country. You were following your dream.”

  “What kind of dream is it to stay here?” Josh asked as he broke a biscotti in two and took a bite.

  “I wouldn’t characterize it in quite the same way but it’s like anything you’re called to do. You want to get on with it instead of wasting time.”

  “It’s only a year. You’ll graduate next spring.”

  “A year is a long time.”

  “Don’t think of it in terms of your mother,” he told me.

  I bit into a cookie and chewed for a moment. “You don’t know what life holds for you. Your days are always numbered.”

  “Talia, you can’t be preoccupied by this.”

  “That’s what everyone says but I think they’re wrong. If you are always aware of how precious each moment is, then when you reach that last one, you won’t feel a sense of lost opportunity.”

  Josh regarded me evenly. “You’re sure?”

  “It’s only high school. I still have to study. My father is getting me a tutor. You will just have to eat lunch with Rogers every day instead having a fine dining experience with me.”

  “I can’t talk you out of it?”

  I finished my biscotti. “Not anymore than I could have talked you out of going on the road this summer.”

  “Is it because of Lockie?” Josh asked.

  “Partially, yes.”

  “You’re engaged or something?”

  “The ‘or something’ part is close.”

  “We were good friends,” Josh said. “I want you to be happy.”

  “Are good friends. Nothing’s changed. I want you to be happy, too.”

  From the dark, Lockie stepped up onto the terrace. “Is it a private conversation? Do you need more time?”

  “No,” Josh said. “I was waiting for you.”

  Lockie sat in his usual seat.

  “Have a biscotti. Would you like tea or milk?” I pushed the plate closer to him.

  “What are you having?” Lockie asked me.

  “We had ginger ale.”

  “May I have milk?”

  “Of course.” I got up and went into the kitchen. A moment later, I put the glass in front of him.

  “Thank you.”

  There was silence but for the sound of frogs down at the pond.

  “Paxton is coming up from the city for a few days and I hoped you would join us for dinner at the Garnet Inn,” Josh said.

  I glanced over to Lockie to see what his reaction would be. We hadn’t been out to dinner or anything like a date and didn’t want him pressured into something he wasn’t ready for. He might have joked that our hack was a date but it more closely resembled being in the same place at the same time.

  “I would like you to get to know him,” Josh said.

  “Have you told your parents,” I asked before Lockie could frame the words.

  “No.”

  “How are you explaining this visit?”

  “That he’s a friend from summer stock.”

  “And Paxton has no objection to this ... ruse?”

  “It’s not the easiest thing in the world to come out to your parents, especially when they’re like mine,” Josh admitted.

  I didn’t envy him this confrontation, for it was bound to be unpleasant. It was no surprise that he was reluctant to spring it on them, and was delaying the scene for as long as possible.

  “Why is Paxton coming for a visit if you can’t be honest?” I asked.

  “He wants to get out of the city and my parents have a very large house. It’s not as though we never have guests.”

  That was true. The Standishes loved company, enjoyed being surrounded by people and were always ready to entertain on major and minor holidays. The first Halloween party I attended at their estate was like Disney World on hallucinogens with princesses and zombies dancing together while enormous glowing pumpkin sky lanterns were freed to rise into the darkness overhead.

  “It’s fine. We’ll go to dinner and meet Paxton,” Lockie said.

  Josh stood. “Good. I’ll call you when the specifics are set,” he said then hesitated.

  I waited for him to say something else.

  “Yeah. Have a good night,” Josh added uncomfortably then went down the path to the driveway.

  Lockie and I sat in the near dark for a while without speaking. Periodically, I could hear one of the horses.

  “I’m surprised you agreed to going out to dinner,” I said.

  “Why?”

  “We’ve never been out.”

  “Do you want to go somewhere?”

  Where he was, was where I wanted to be. “This is good.”

  “Something isn’t right with Josh.”

  “Do you mean why would he ask us to have dinner with them when he could be alone with Paxton? I’m just his beard again. He’s putting on a show for his parents, to make it seem casual when his friend comes up from the city.”

  “Is that what it is?” Lockie stood. “I want you to put CB into training for the hunter pace.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “You both need to work on your endurance. Twenty minutes a day and a hack isn’t putting either of you in shape. We need to increase your fitness level.”

  “Rogers, too?”

  “Yes.”

  I knew there was more to it than that. “You’re thinking.”

  “I won’t ask you to do anything you can’t do.”

  “How about extending that to anything I don’t want to do?”

  Lockie laughed.

  That meant no.

  Chapter Four

  It was after midnight when there was a knock on my door. Before I could respond, Greer came in. She looked as though she had had a hard night.

  “Why are you leaving me alone at school?”

  This was someone who rarely greeted me if we passed in the hall and had never eaten lunch with me except at home. I had never been admitted into her social circle.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Freaking hell! I’m supposed to go there alone?”

  “All your friends are there.”

  She kicked my boots out of her way as she strode across the room. “Are you staying home to be with Lockie?”

  “No, I’m staying home to be with Dad.”

  “Liar!”

  “Why ask if you know you won’t believe me?”

  “Why would you stay home to be with him when he’s not here?”

  “He’s going to change his schedule around for a few months.”

  “He was my father first!”

  Greer was so agitated, I almost thought she was going to start ripping her clothes to shreds.

  “For a couple months, that’s true.”

  A few months older than I was, that was a fact Greer never let me forget, although I wasn’t sure why it was important.

&nbs
p; “He lived with us!”

  It was hardly necessary to point that out as I had spent most of my life trying to get past that sense of abandonment. “You had your time with him and now I’m going to have my time with him.”

  “I don’t want you to be with him! I hate this!”

  I didn’t know what to say, knowing everything Greer said was true. What was hers was out of bounds to anyone else. It was something of a surprise she let Derry ride Counterpoint, but she would never let him use her saddle.

  It was a shock that she felt so proprietary of our father since what she usually did was shriek at him.

  “Are you doing this to me because of Lockie?”

  “Greer, get a grip. I’m not doing anything to you. I don’t live my life in reaction to you.”

  Dressed in sweats, hair mussed, Jules entered the room. “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing!”

  “You’re scaring the horses.” Jules gave me a sidelong glance and I started to laugh. This was an old joke between us and even though it applied to the new-fangled automobiles scaring carriage horses a hundred years ago, it always seemed to fit Greer like a pair of custom-made boots.

  “Come downstairs with me, Greer, and I’ll make you a cup of tea.”

  “I don’t want any tea! I want my childhood back!”

  I’m sure my mouth dropped open at that, since I didn’t realize she was capable of that level of reflection. Maybe it was only because she was drunk or high or whatever it was.

  Before anything else could be said, my father entered the room, took Greer by the arm and dragged her out into the hallway. There was scuffling all the way back to her room where the door opened and closed with a bang.

  Jules came over and sat on the edge of my bed. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes, I’m fine.”

  I had become inured to her tantrums by this point.

  “I’m sorry she’s so high-strung.”

  I closed the book I was reading and turned off my reader. “That’s a nice way to put it.”

  Jules stood. “Are you going to be able to get to sleep?”

  “Not for a long time.”

  “Would you like some chamomile tea?”

  “No, thanks.”

  “I’ll go make some for Greer. The gesture counts for something.”

  I nodded and Jules left the room.

  Getting out of bed, I pulled on my jeans and a sweatshirt. Somewhere in the dark, there was a horse with a warm neck I could put my arms around.

  ***

  Finding CB in the field, I led him to the fence and got on, just lying down on his back as he went back to grazing. I don’t know how long I stayed there. It was until Greer’s temper tantrum had dissolved into the night sky and until I started to feel a little sleepy. Then I slid off and left him to his pals.

  As I was crossing through the stable yard, I saw a shadow in the open doorway.

  “You startled me!”

  “What were you doing?”

  “Visiting CB. Greer threw a temper tantrum and I needed to be close to him.”

  “Why didn’t you come to me?” Lockie asked as he turned then closed the door and I was left in the darkness.

  I slept fitfully, woke early and was already taking milk out of the refrigerator when Jules entered the kitchen.

  “Why didn’t you sleep late after last night?”

  “Because I was just laying there thinking too much. It was better to get the day going.”

  “Try not to let Greer bother you.”

  “Easier said than done. Teach me how to make breakfast.”

  “Okay. What would you like?”

  “Let’s start with something easy.”

  Jules thought for a moment. “We have some croissants left over. Let’s make a caramel pecan sauce, layer the croissants in that and put that in the oven for about twenty minutes. While that’s baking, we’ll make omelets. How does that sound?”

  “Wonderful.”

  She made the caramel sauce, while I stood to the side trying not to be burned by the molten sugar. We cut the croissants in half and after the sauce was in the baking dish, I arranged the slices in as neatly as possible.

  By the time breakfast was prepared, it was raining. Lockie didn’t arrive. My father was in his office conducting business and Greer was upstairs sleeping it off. Jules and I ate together in the kitchen while she told me how hard it had been to leave home and go to cooking school in France. She had done exactly the opposite of me but for the same reason. Jules thought she would find herself in France and I thought I would find my place at home.

  After packing breakfast for Lockie, I drove to the barn. It was raining harder than an hour ago and I found him in a long waxed raincoat and rubber wellington boots coming in from the field. His expression was as dark as the sky.

  “What’s wrong? Is it about last night?”

  “It’s about last night but nothing to do with you. Keynote ran into something and has a puncture wound on his stifle. The vet’s on his way.”

  “Is it bad?”

  “Yes, it’s deep. It’ll heal but it’ll leave a scar. I was out there trying to find what it was.”

  “The fields are so clean.”

  “They are.” He walked past me, running his hand over his wet hair.

  “I brought breakfast for you.”

  Lockie turned to look at me. “So what’s the answer from last night?”

  “I didn’t choose CB over you, I chose him instead of you.”

  He nodded. “Maybe you should spend the morning up at the house.”

  “Lockie. You’re that upset with me?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Can’t we talk about this?”

  I heard a truck drive in and Lockie looked down the aisle to the stable yard.

  “That’s the vet.”

  There was no time and no sense in trying to continue the discussion. I placed the market basket on top of a bale of hay. “Okay.”

  Exiting the barn, I got in my truck and drove back to the house.

  ***

  I tapped on the library door.

  “Come in.” He looked up from his papers. “Talia.”

  “Do you have a minute?”

  “Just about that. I have a conference call in a few minutes. I can be here but can’t take off.”

  “I understand,” I replied sitting in my chair.

  “Has Greer always treated you the way she did last night?” he said.

  “Pretty much.”

  “I’m sorry. I should have noticed.”

  “No, she’s good at covering up. I know you’re busy so I’ll get right to this. The apartment over the barn hasn’t been upgraded for as long as I’ve lived here. The furniture is worn out. It would be nice to paint and get some new pieces before winter. I thought we could find someone to take care of that.”

  The phone began ringing and my father reached for it.

  “No.”

  I was zero for two.

  ***

  As part of my acquisition of life skills, I watched Jules make soup for lunch.

  “Why aren’t you at the barn?”

  “We had a misunderstanding and I got booted out.”

  Jules continued to dice mushrooms. “That sounds like more than a misunderstanding.”

  “No, that’s all.”

  Greer, barefooted and in an oversize tee-shirt, practically staggered into the kitchen. “What time is it?”

  “Time for you to take a shower and get dressed,” Jules replied.

  “Eleven,” I told her.

  “Where’s the aspirin?” Greer asked as she turned.

  “In the bathroom.”

  “Not mine.”

  “Take mine,” I said.

  Greer bumped into the doorway and left.

  “What are you going to do about the misunderstanding,” Jules asked.

  “Turn it into an understanding,” I replied, standing up.

  Taking my raincoat off the rack by
the door, I went outside and to my truck. On the short trip to the barn, I still didn’t have a clue what to say to him. I wished it was possible to say nothing, but it wasn’t.

  Tracy was on the aisle grooming Counterpoint and she glanced up as I hurried inside. I could see Wingspread wasn’t in his stall.

  “If you’re looking for Lockie, he’s in the indoor,” she told me, clippers in hand.

  “Thanks.”

  It was raining harder than before and when I reached the doorway, Lockie and Wing had just turned off the track and were angling across the arena performing a half pass at a canter.

  The move was performed to perfection and I realized how much he had to miss competing. For Lockie, riding and training was only half the equation. It was enough for me but for him so much was missing. To live with that aspect of his ability unused and unresolved had to be endlessly frustrating.

  He pulled Wing to a halt next to me, didn’t say anything and didn’t smile.

  I looked up at him. “I know you don’t want to discuss what happened last night so I’ll keep it brief. For years, I had no one here but Butch. If I can’t make the transition to relying on a human over the course of a summer, maybe that’s not so incomprehensible. As for why I chose CB instead of you, that was simple. It was midnight and I thought you needed to sleep. Just because I can’t sleep doesn’t mean you have to put your health at risk.”

  “I don’t want you to be my nursemaid,” Lockie replied.

  “Is that how you feel?”

  “Sometimes, yes.”

  Maybe it was a habit of mine.

  Lockie dismounted. “You want to take care of me.”

  “I do.”

  “Did it ever occur to you that I might want to take care of you?”

  “No.”

  It hadn’t.

  “That’s the problem.” Lockie turned and began running up his stirrup irons. “Unless you have no interest in that. Maybe you just want me to be Butch. Keep me in the barn and double-wrap me so I don’t bump myself.”

  Sometimes there is no right thing to say. Emotions have a logic of their own and can move on undercurrents that eddy, surface and submerge.

  “That’s true. I don’t want you to bump yourself.”

  “I’m just an echo of your mother.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Yes, it is. You’re reliving your fear of loss through me. You keep a distance between us so you won’t be hurt again. That’s why Josh was so safe for you. You loved that relationship because it was going nowhere. Out of misplaced kindness, you’re still enabling Josh to perpetuate the pretense that he’s a straight guy.”