The Stainless Steel Rat eBook Collection

by Harry Harrison

  ‘Sepsis and infection. We take care of the cut first.’ I turned to Dreng. ‘Any farmers you know who live close to this place?’

  ‘No, but the widow Apfeltree is just over the hill, past the dead tree, through the end of the swamp …’

  ‘Great. Show us the way, don’t tell.’ I turned back to The Bishop. ‘And after we fix your back, then what?’

  ‘After that, Jim, we join the army. Since you are now a mercenary that is the proper thing to do. An army will be based in a keep, and there will be a locked room in that keep where all the groats are stored. While you practice your military profession I shall, as the expression goes, case the joint. In order to further this noble work of ours I have one particular army in mind for you. The one that serves the Capo Dimonte.’

  ‘Not Capo Dimonte!’ Dreng wailed, clutching his hair with both hands. ‘He is evil beyond measure, eats a child for breakfast every day, has all of his furniture upholstered in human skin, drinks from the skull of his first wife …’

  ‘Enough,’ The Bishop ordered, and Dreng was stilled. ‘It is obvious that he does not have a good press here in the Capote of Doccia. That is because he is the sworn enemy of Capo Doccia and goes to war against him periodically. I am sure that he is no worse – or better – than any other capo. But he does have one advantage. He is our enemy’s enemy.’

  ‘So hopefully our friend. Right. I owe old Doccia one and I look forward to paying it back.’

  ‘You should not bear grudges, Jim. It dulls the vision and interferes with your career. Which should now be grabbing groats not wreaking vengeance.’

  I nodded agreement. ‘Of course. But while you are planning the heist there is no reason why I can’t enjoy a bit of revenge.’

  I could see that he disapproved of my emotions – but I could not attain his Olympian detachment. A weakness of youth, perhaps. I changed the subject.

  ‘After we empty the treasury, then what?’

  ‘We find out how the locals are contacting the offplanet smugglers, like the Venians. With the obvious aim of leaving this backward and deadly world as soon as possible. In order to do that we may have to get religion.’ He chuckled at my shocked expression. ‘Like you, my boy, I am a Scientific Humanist and feel no need for the air of the supernatural. But here on Spiovente what technology there is seems to be in the hands of an order called the Black Monks …’

  ‘No, stay away!’ Dreng wailed; he was certainly a source of bad news. ‘They know Things that Drive Men Mad. From their workshops all forms of unnatural devices pour forth. Machines that scream and grunt, that talk through the skies, the paincuffs as well. Avoid them, master, I beg of you!’

  ‘What our young friend has decried is true,’ The Bishop said. ‘Minus the fear of the unknown, of course. Through some process that is not relevant now all of the technology on this world became concentrated in the hands of this order, the Black Monks. I have no idea what their religious affiliations are – if any – but they do supply and repair the machines that we have seen. This gives them a certain protection, since if one capo were to attack them the others would rush to their defence to ensure their continued access to the metallic fruits of technology. It is to them that we may have to turn for salvation and exodus.’

  ‘I second the motion and it is carried by acclamation. Join the army, whip as many groats as we can, contact the smugglers – and buy our way out.’

  Dreng gaped at all the long words, drooling a bit at the same time. He obviously followed little of what we discussed. Action was more his style. He made a silent exit on a scouting trip and an even more slithery return. No one was about, our way was clear. The Bishop could walk now with a little aid from us and the widow’s house was not too distant. Even with Dreng’s reassurances she was trembling with fear when she admitted us to her hovels.

  ‘Guns and swords. Murder and death. I’m doomed, doomed.’

  Despite her muttering, punctuated by the smacking of her toothless gums, she followed my instructions and put a pot of water over the fire. I cut a strip of cloth from my blanket, boiled it clean, then used it to wash The Bishop’s wound. It was small but deep. The widow was persuaded to part with some of her store of moonshine and The Bishop shuddered, but did not cry out, when I poured it into the open cut. Hoping the alcohol content was high enough to act as an antiseptic. I used more boiled blanket as a bandage – which was about all that I could do.

  ‘Excellent, James, excellent,’ he said, gingerly pulling his sliced jacket over his shoulders. ‘Your years in the Boy Sprouts were obviously not wasted. Now let us thank the good widow and leave since it is obvious that she is upset by our presence.’

  Leave we did, strolling the open, rut-filled road, every footstep taking us further away from Capo Doccia. Dreng was a good provider, drifting off into orchards for fruit, or rooting out edible tubers from the fields we passed, even digging them up under the noses of the rightful owners. Who only touched their forelocks at the sight of my weapons. It is a nasty world that only respects bullies. For the first time I began to appreciate the better qualities of the League worlds.

  It was late afternoon when the walls of the keep loomed up before us. This place had a little more style than Doccia’s, or at least it looked that way from a distance, because it was situated on an island in a lake. A causeway and drawbridge connected it to the mainland. Dreng was shaking with fear again and was more than happy to stay on the shore with The Bishop while I braved the dangers of the keep. I strode militarily along the stone causeway, than stamped over the bridge. The two guards eyed me with open suspicion.

  ‘Good morn, brothers,’ I called out cheerfully, gun on shoulder, sword in hand, gut in and chest out. ‘Is this the establishment of the Capo Dimonte, known the length and breadth of the land for his charm and strength of arm?’

  ‘Who wants to know?’

  ‘I do. An armed and powerful soldier who wishes to enlist in his noble services.’

  ‘Your choice, brother, your choice,’ he said with obvious gloom. ‘Through the gate, across the courtyard, third door on your right, ask for Sire Srank.’ He leaned close and whispered. ‘For three groats I’ll give you a tip.’

  ‘Done.’

  ‘So pay.’

  ‘Shortly. I’m a little skint right now.’

  ‘You must be – if you want to hire out to this lot. All right, five then, in five days.’ I nodded agreement. ‘He’ll offer you very little, but don’t settle for less than two groats a day.’

  ‘Thanks for the credit. I’ll get back to you.’

  I swaggered through the gate and found the right door. It was open to admit the last light and a fat man with a bald head was scratching away at some papers. He looked up when my shadow fell across the table.

  ‘Get out of here,’ he shouted, scratching his head so hard that a shower of dandruff sparkled in the sunbeam. ‘I’ve told you all, no groats until morning after next.’

  ‘I’ve not enlisted yet – nor will I if that’s the way you pay the troops.’

  ‘Sorry, good stranger, sun in my eyes. Come in, come in. Enlist? Of course. Gun and sword – and ammunition?’

  ‘Some.’

  ‘Wonderful.’ His hands rustled when he dry-washed them. ‘Food for you and your knave and a groat a day.’

  ‘Two a day and all ammunition used to be replaced.’

  He scowled – then shrugged and scratched on one of the sheets and pushed it over to me. ‘A one year enlistment, salary open to review at end of contract. Since you can’t read or write I hope you can manage to scratch your illiterate X down here.’

  ‘I can read so well I see that you have me down for four years, which I will now correct before I sign.’ Which I did, writing Judge Nixon’s name on the line, knowing full well that I would be leaving well before my enlistment was up. ‘I’ll get my knave who awaits without, along with my aged father.’

  ‘No extra food for poor relations!’ he snarled generously. ‘You share yours.’
/>   ‘Agreed,’ I said. ‘You’re all heart.’

  I went back to the gate and waved my companions over.

  ‘You owe me,’ the guard said.

  ‘I’ll pay you – when that scrofulous toad pays me.’

  He grunted agreement. ‘If you think he’s bad – wait until you meet Capo Dimonte. I wouldn’t be hanging around this damp dump if it weren’t for the loot bonus.’

  They were coming on slowly, The Bishop half dragging the reluctant Dreng.

  ‘Loot bonus? Paying out soon?’

  ‘Soon as the fighting is over. We march tomorrow.’

  ‘Against Capo Doccia?’

  ‘No such luck. The word is that he is loaded with jewels and golden groats and more. Be nice to share in that haul. But not this time. All they have told us is that we are heading north. Must be a surprise attack on someone, probably a friend, and they don’t want word to leak out. That’s good thinking. Catch them with their drawbridge down and it’s half the battle.’

  I pondered this bit of military wisdom as I led my small band in the indicated direction. The soldiers’ quarters, while not something to put in a travel brochure, were certainly a cut above the slave quarters. Wooden bunks with straw mattresses for the fighting men – some straw under the bunk for the knave. I would have to make some arrangements for The Bishop, but I was sure that bribery would take care of that. We sat together on the bunk while Dreng went to find the kitchen.

  ‘How is the back?’ I asked.

  ‘Sore, but only a small bother. I’ll take a bit of a rest then begin a survey of the layout …’

  ‘In the morning will be time enough. It has been a long couple of days.’

  ‘Agreed. And here is your knave with the food!’

  It was a hot stew with fragments of some nameless bird bobbing in it. Had to be a bird, the feathers were still attached. We divided the stew into three equal portions and wolfed it down. All this fresh air and walking was certainly good for the appetite. There was also a ration of sour wine which neither I nor The Bishop could stomach. Not so Dreng who slurped and smacked his way through it in moments. Then rolled under the bunk and began to snore raucously.

  ‘I’m going to have a look around,’ I said. ‘Take a rest on the bunk until I get back …’

  I was interrupted by an off-key blare on a bugle. I looked up to see that the malevolent musician was standing in the doorway. He emitted another toneless blast. I was ready to grab him by the throat if he tried it again, but he stepped aside and bowed. A thin figure in blue uniform took his place. All of the soldiers who were watching bowed their heads slightly or shook their weapons in salute, so I did the same. It could be no other than Capo Dimonte himself.

  He was lean to the point of being hollow-stomached. He either had circulation trouble or was naturally blue of skin. His little red eyes peered out of hollow blue sockets while he fingered his blue jaw with azure fingers. He looked around suspiciously, then spoke. For all of his leanness his voice had a deep strength to it.

  ‘My men, I have good news for you. Prepare yourself and your weapons for we march at midnight. This will be a forced march to enable us to reach Pinetta woods before dawn. Fighting men only – and we travel light. Your knaves will stay here to look after your goods. We will lay up there during the day, then leave at dusk tomorrow. We will meet our allies during the night and join forces for an assault on the enemy at dawn.’

  ‘A question, Capo,’ one of the men called out. He was grizzled and scarred, obviously a veteran of many conflicts. ‘Against whom do we march?’

  ‘You will be told before the attack. We will gain victory only by surprise.’

  There were murmurs on all sides as the veteran called out again.

  ‘Our enemy a mystery – at least tell us then who are our allies.’

  Capo Dimonte was not pleased with the question. He scratched his chin and fiddled with the hilt of his sword while his audience waited. He obviously needed our voluntary assistance, so in the end he spoke.

  ‘You will all be pleased to hear that we have allies of great strength and will. They also have war machines to batter the stoutest wall. With their assistance we can take any keep, defeat any army. We are lucky to serve at their side.’ He pressed his lips together, reluctant to go on but still knowing that he must.

  ‘Our victory is assured since our allies are none other than … the order of the Black Monks.’

  There was a long moment of shocked silence – followed instantly by shouts of anger. The significance of all this escaped me – other than the fact that it did not sound good at all.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  As soon as he had spoken, Capo Dimonte made his exit and the door slammed shut behind him. There were shouts and cries of anger from all sides – but there was one man who bellowed louder than all the others. It was the scarred veteran. He climbed onto a table and shouted them all into silence.

  ‘Everyone here knows me, knows old Tusker. I was cutting off heads when most of you weren’t even potty-trained. So I’m going to talk and you are going to listen and then you will get a chance to talk too. Anyone here don’t like that idea?’

  He closed one immense fist and held it out, then turned in a circle scowling fiercely. There were some angry mutters, but none loud enough to imply disagreement.

  ‘Good. Then listen. I know those black-frocked buggers from a long way back and I don’t trust them. All they think of is their own hides. If they want us to fight for them that’s only because there is big trouble ahead and they would like to see us killed rather than them. I don’t like it.’

  ‘I don’t like it either,’ another man called out. ‘But what kind of a choice do we have?’

  ‘None,’ Tusker growled angrily. ‘And that’s what I was going to say next. I think we have been grabbed by the short and curlies.’ He drew his sword and shook it at them. ‘Every weapon we have, outside of them new guns, comes from the Black Monks. Without their supplies we have nothing to fight with, and without nothing to fight with we have nothing to do and we can starve or go back to the farm. And that’s not for me. And it better not be for any of you either. Because we are all in this together. We all fight – or none fight. And if we fight and any of you try to sneak out of here before the action starts, then he is going to find my sword stuck all the way through his liver.’

  He shook the shining blade at them while they glared in silence.

  ‘A solid argument,’ The Bishop whispered, ‘the logic impeccable. Too bad that it is wasted on this ignoble cause. You and your comrades have no choice but to agree.’

  The Bishop was right. There was more shouting and argument, but in the end they had to go along with the plans. They would march at the side of the Black Monks. None of them, myself included, was very happy about the idea. They could stay up and argue until midnight but I was tired and could use the few hours sleep. The Bishop wandered out in search of information and I rolled up on the bunk and slipped into a restless slumber.

  The shouted orders woke me, feeling more tired than when I had gone to sleep. No one seemed happy about the midnight march – or our battle companions – and there were dark looks and much cursing. There were even some oaths I hadn’t heard before, real nice ones, that I filed away for future use. I went out to the primitive lavabo and threw cold water on my face which seemed to help. When I returned The Bishop was sitting on the bunk. He rose and extended his large hand.

  ‘You must watch yourself, Jim. This is a crude and deadly world and all men’s hands are turned against you.’

  ‘That is the way I prefer to live – so don’t worry yourself.’

  ‘But I do.’ He sighed mightily. ‘I have nothing but contempt for superstition, astrologers, palm readers and the like, so you will understand why I feel great disgust at myself for the black depression that possesses me. But I see nothing but darkness in the future, emptiness. We have been companions for such a brief period, I do not wish it to end. Yet, I am sorry, do
excuse me, I have a sense of danger and despair that cannot be alleviated.’

  ‘With good reason!’ I cried, trying to put enthusiasm into my words. ‘You have been torn from the security of your quasi-retirement, emprisoned, freed, fled, hid, dieted, fled again, bribed, were cheated, beaten, enslaved, wounded – and you wonder why you are depressed?’

  This brought a wan smile to his lips and he grasped my hand again. ‘You are right, Jim, of course. Toxins in the bloodstream, depression in the cortex. Watch your back and return safely. By the time you do I’ll have worked out how to relieve the capo of some of his groats.’

  He was looking his age – for the first time since we had met. As I left I saw him stretch out wearily on the bunk. He should be feeling better when I returned. Dreng would fetch his food and look after him. What I must do is concentrate on staying alive so I would come back.

  It was a dreary and exhausting march. The day had been hot, and so was the night. We shuffled along, dripping with perspiration and slapping at the insects that rushed out of the darkness to attack us. The rutted road caught at my feet and dust rose into my nostrils. On we marched, and on, following along after the clanking and hissing conveyance that led our nightmarish parade. One of the steam cars was hauling Capo Dimonte’s war wagon in which he travelled in relative comfort. His captains were in there with him, swilling down booze no doubt and generally enjoying themselves. We marched on, the cursing in the ranks growing steadily weaker.

  By the time we stumbled under the sheltering trees of Pinetta woods we were tired and mutinous. I did what most of the others did, dropped onto the bed of sweet-smelling needles under the trees and groaned in appreciation. And admiration for the sturdier warriors, with old Tusker in the van, who insisted on their ration of acid wine before retiring. I closed my eyes, groaned again, then slept.

  We stayed there all day, glad to have the rest. Around noon rations were reluctantly handed out from the cart. Warm, foul water to wash down rock-like bits of what might have been bread. After this I managed to sleep some more, until we formed ranks again at dusk and the night march continued.