The Stainless Steel Rat eBook Collection

by Harry Harrison

  “A galactic garbage dump!” I cried aloud. “Where you holier-than-thou bigots sweep your failures under the carpet! No wonder you keep this a top-secret secret.”

  “Just knock off the superior attitude cagal, diGriz. I know your record—and in my book it stinks. But we have you by the short and curlies since you drank the seven-hundred-and-twenty-hour poison, so you will do just as I say. So now I’m going to fill you in with all the loathsome details re Liokukae, let you see what information we have. Then you will come up with a plan for getting that thing back. You have no choice.”

  “Thanks. What resources do I have?”

  “Limitless resources, unrestricted funds, boundless support. Every planet in the galaxy contributes to Galaksia Universitato. They have so many credits that they make the super-rich look super-poor. I want you to take them to the cleaners.”

  “Now you are talking my language! For the first time I have some interest in this poisonous project. Bring on the records—and some food—and I will see what I can do.”

  Not very much I thought to myself after hours of reading and rereading the thin file, while eating a number of stale and tasteless sandwiches. The Admiral was slumped asleep in the armchair and snoring like a rocket exhaust. There were no answers here, so some questions were very much in order. Which gave me the sweet pleasure of waking him up. A few good shakes did it and those nasty little red eyes glared into mine.

  “You better have a good reason for that.”

  “I do. How much do you personally know about Liokukae?”

  “Everything, you dimwit. That is why I am here.”

  “It seems to be pretty tightly sealed up.”

  “Pretty tightly is not the way I would describe it. Hermetically sealed, guarded, patrolled, watched, locked tight, quarantined—take your pick. Food and medicines are shipped in. Nothing comes out.”

  “Do they have their own doctors?”

  “No. Medical teams are stationed there in the hospital inside the landing station—which is built like a fortress. And before you even ask—the answer is no. What little trust there is between the Navy and the Liokukaers involves the medical services. They come to us and we treat them. Let them suspect for an instant that the medicos are involved in hanky-panky and the trust is gone. Disease and death would be certain. We’re not taking a chance on that.”

  “If the rest of the civilized galaxy doesn’t know about them—what do they know about us?”

  “Everything I suppose. We do not practice censorship. We transmit all the usual TV entertainment channels as well as educational and news services. They are well supplied with television receivers and can watch reruns of all the most loathsome programs and series. The theory being if we can stun their minds with televised crap they won’t get up to more trouble.”

  “Does it work?”

  “Possibly. But we do know that they are rated on top of the galactic viewing scale for uninterrupted hours in front of the gogglebox.”

  “You go there and take surveys?”

  “Don’t be stupid. Recorders are sealed into the chassis of each set. These can be tapped by satellite.”

  “So what we have here is a planet of murderous, belligerent, nutsy TV fans?”

  “That’s about the size of it.”

  I jumped to my feet, spilling dry crumbs of dead sandwiches onto the carpet. Raised my fists, and my voice, on high.

  “That’s it!”

  Benbow blinked at me rapidly and scowled. “What’s it?”

  “The answer. It is just the glimmering of an idea now—but I know that it will grow and expand into something incredible. I’m going to sleep on it and when I awake I will polish it and perfect it and describe it to you in detail.”

  “What is it?”

  “Don’t be greedy. All in good time.”

  CHAPTER 4

  The automated kitchen produced another stale sandwich, the machine was half-knackered and out of adjustment, along with a lukewarm cup of watery cocoa. I crunched and sipped gloomily, then found the bedroom down the hall. Air-conditioned of course—but the window wasn’t sealed. I opened it and sniffed the cool night air. The moon was rising, to join the other three already up. Made for some interesting shadows. A leg over the windowsill, a drop into the garden—and I would be long gone before any alarm might go off.

  And I would be dead in twenty-nine days. That little drink I had drunk in prison really concentrated my attention and guaranteed my loyalty. But could I pull this complicated operation off in that space of time?

  Considering the consequences I had no choice. I sighed tremulously, closed the window and went to bed. It had been a very, very long day.

  In the morning I had picked the lock on the control panel in the kitchen and was busy rewiring it when Admiral Benbow came in.

  “May I inquire politely just what the hell you are doing?”

  “Obviously trying to get this crook device to produce something other than stale cheese sandwiches. There!”

  I slammed the panel shut and punched in a command. A cup of steaming coffee instantly appeared. Followed by a porcuswinewich, steaming and juicy. The Admiral nodded.

  “I’ll take this one—get another for yourself. Now tell me your plan.”

  I did. Mumbling through mouthfuls of breakfast.

  “We are going to spend some credits out of the mountains of money that we have access to. First we plant some news items. I want interviews, reviews, gossip and more—all about the new pop group that is the hit of the galaxy.”

  He scowled and growled. “What pop group? What in hades are you talking about?”

  “The planet-busting hit group called …”

  “Called what?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it yet. Something way out and memorable. Or kinky.” I smiled and raised an inspired finger. “I have it! Ready? The group is called … The Stainless Steel Rats!”

  “Why?”

  “Why not?”

  The Admiral was not happy. His scowl turned to a snarl and he jabbed a judgmental finger at me. “More coffee. Then tell me what you are talking about or I will kill you.”

  “Temper, temper, Admiral. Remember the old blood pressure. What I am talking about is getting to Liokukae with all the equipment I need, along with some strong armed help. We are going to form a group of musicians called The Stainless Steel Rats—”

  “What musicians?”

  “Me for one—and you are going to supply me with the rest. You did tell me that you were head of League Navy Security?”

  “I did. I am.”

  “Then summon your troops. Get one of your techs to research all your field operators, all your rankings who have ever served in what passes for action in this civilized universe. The search will be a simple one because we want to know just one single fact about all of them. Are they musically inclined? Can they play a musical instrument, sing, dance, whistle or even hum in tune? Get the list and we will have our band.”

  He nodded over his coffee. “You’re beginning to make sense. A pop group composed only of security agents. But it will take time to put together, to organize, to rehearse.”

  “Why?”

  “So it will sound good, you moron.”

  “Who could tell the difference? Have you ever listened to country-and-coal-mining music? Or Aqua Regia and her Plutonium Pals?”

  “Point taken. So we get this group together and publicize them well so all Liokukae knows about them—”

  “And has heard their music—”

  “And wants to hear more. On tour. Which is impossible. The planet is quarantined.”

  “That is the beauty of my plan, Admiral. When the publicity peaks, and the fame of the group is galaxy-wide, that is when the Rats will commit some crime so awful that they will instantly be shipped off to this prison planet. Where they will be received with great enthusiasm. And no suspicion. Where they will investigate and find the alien artifact and get it back so I can have the antidote
. One other thing. Before we start operations I will need three million Interstellar Credits. In coins that have been newly minted here.”

  “No way,” he snarled. “Funds will be supplied as needed.”

  “You missed the point. That is my fee for conducting this operation. All operating expenses are on top of that. Pay up—or else.”

  “Or else what?”

  “Or else I die in twenty-nine days and the operation dies and you get a black mark on your service record.”

  Self-interest prodded him into an instant decision. “Why not. Those financially overburdened academics can afford it and not even notice it. I’ll get that list for you.”

  He undipped his phone from his belt, shouted a multi-digit number into it, then barked some brief commands. Before I had finished my coffee the printer hummed to life in the office; sheets of paper began to pile up in the bin. We went through them and ticked off a number of possibilities. There were no names, just code numbers. When this was done I passed the list back to the Admiral.

  “W’ll need complete files on all the marked ones.”

  “That is classified and secret information.”

  “And you are the Admiral and you can get it.”

  “I’ll get it—and censor it. There is no way I am going to let you know any details of my Security Department.”

  “Keep your secrets—I couldn’t care less.” Which was of course an outright lie. “Give them code names as well as numbers, conceal their identities. All I want to know is their musical abilities, and will they be any good in the field when the going gets rough.”

  This took a bit of time. I went for a long jog to loosen the muscles. Then, while my clothes were being zapped clean in the vacuum washer, I took a hot shower followed by a cold one. I made a mental note to get some more clothes soon—but not until this operation was up and running. There was no escaping that deadly clock that was ticking off the seconds to doomsday.

  “Here is the list,” the Admiral said when I entered the office. “No names, just numbers. Male agents are identified by the letter A and …”

  “Let me guess—the females are B?”

  A growl was his only response; he completely lacked any sense of humor. I flipped through the list. Slim pickings among the ladies who ran the gamut from Bl to B4. Pipe-organ player, not very likely, harmonica, tuba—and a singer.

  ‘I’ll need a photograph of B3. And what do these other entries after Bl mean? 19T, 908L, and such.”

  “Code,” he said, grabbing the sheet away from me. “It translates as skilled in hand-to-hand combat, qualified marksman on hand weapons, six years in the field. And the rest is none of your business.”

  “Thanks, wonderful, you’re a big help. I sure could use her—but not if she has to carry the pipe organ on her back. Now let us make some selections from the male list and get the photos coming. Except for this one, A19. No photograph—I just want him here soonest, in the flesh.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he is a percussionist and plays a molecular synthezier. Since I know next to nothing about music—he is going to teach me my job in this pickup band. A19 will show me the ropes, then record the numbers and set up the machines to play the different hunks of music. I’ll just smile and press buttons. Speaking of machines—does your highly secret service have electronic repair facilities on this planet?”

  “That is classified information.”

  “Everything about this operation is classified. But I’ll still need to do some electronic work. Here or someplace else. All right?”

  “Facilities will be made available.”

  “Good. And tell me—what is a gastrophone, or a bagpipe?”

  “I haven’t the slightest idea. Why?”

  “Because they are listed here as musical skills or instruments or something. I’ll need to know.”

  Lubricated by all the credits from the university, manned by the Admiral’s minions, the machinery of my plan began to churn into high gear. The League did have an outpost on this planet—disguised as an interstellar shipping firm—which contained a fully equipped machine shop and electronic facilities. The fact that they gave me full use of everything meant that it would undoubtedly vanish as soon as this operation was over. While the auditions were being arranged, agent A19 was sent for by the fastest transportation available. He appeared, slightly glassy-eyed, later that same afternoon.

  “You are known to me only by the code reference A19. Could you give me a slightly better name to call you by? And it doesn’t have to be your own.”

  He was a big man with a big jaw, which he rubbed as he kicked his brain into action. “Zach—that’s my cousin’s name. Call me Zach.”

  “Right on, Zach. You have quite a musical record.”

  “You betcha. I worked my way through college playing in the band. Still do a gig or two from time to time.”

  “Then you have the job. You must now sally forth with an open checkbook and buy the best, most expensive and complex hunks of electronic music making that you can find. And they have to be the most compact and microminiaturized ones going. Bring them back and I’ll make it all smaller since everything we bring with us has to be carried on our backs. If you can’t find it on this planet use galactic mail order. Spend! The more you spend the better.”

  His eyes glowed with musical fervor. “Do you mean that?”

  “Absolutely. Check with Admiral Benbow who will authorize all expenses. Go!”

  He went, and the auditions began. I draw a veil over the more repulsive details of the next two days. Apparently musical ability and military service were mutually incompatible for the most part. I whittled away and the list grew smaller with great rapidity. I had hoped for a large band—now it appeared that I had a tiny combo.

  “This is it, Admiral,” I said, passing over the abbreviated list. “We will have to make up in quality what we lack in quantity. It is going to be me and these three others.”

  He frowned. “Will it be enough?”

  “Going to have to be. The discards may be great operators but I will dream about their sounds for years. In my nightmares. So take the survivors aside, tell them about me and the assignment. I’ll meet them after lunch in the audition room.”

  I was setting glasses and bottles of refreshment on the table when the four of them trooped in. In step!

  “First lesson!” I shouted. “Think civilian. Anything that even resembles the military will get us all quickly dead. Now—have you all talked to the Admiral? Everyone is nodding, good, good. Nod again if you agree to take orders from me and no one else. Even better. Now I will introduce you to each other. I have been forbidden knowledge of your real names and positions so I have invented some. Let us now begin the world anew. The gentleman on your left, code name Zach, is a professional musician and is tutoring me in my new skills. He will be of utmost help in getting this project off the ground. I am Jim and I will soon be able to play the electronic gadgetry and lead this group. The young lady in your presence, now named Madonette, is a contralto of great talent and our lead singer. Let’s give her a big hand.”

  Slowly at first, then louder and jollier, they clapped until I lifted a hand to stop them. They were an uptight lot and I had to get them a lot looser. Madonette was fair of skin and dark of hair; a tall and solid girl and quite attractive, she smiled and waved in return.

  “Good beginning gang. Now you last two guys, you’re the rest of this group, Floyd and Steengo. Floyd is the tall and skinny guy with the artificial beard—he is growing a real replacement for it, but we needed one now for the publicity pix. The miracle workers of hirsutical science have developed an antidipilatorisational agent that stimulates hair growth. So he will grow a fine beard in three days. In addition to growing hair he plays a number of wind instruments which are, if you don’t know, a historic family of musical instruments into which one blows strongly to emit sounds. He comes from a distant planet named Och’aye, which is perhaps galaxy-famous for its other native
son Angus McSwiney, founder of the McSwiney chain of automated eateries. Floyd plays an instrument whose antecedents are lost in the mists of time and at times I wish they had stayed there. Floyd, a quick tune on the bagpipe if you please.”

  I had heard it before so was slightly more prepared as he opened the case and removed an apparatus that looked like a large and bulging spider with many black legs. He slung it about him, puffed strongly and pumped furiously on the spider’s abdomen with his arm. I looked at the others and admired their horrified expressions as the screams of mortally wounded animals filled the room.

  “Enough!” I shouted and the last slaughtered pig moaned away into deathly silence. “I don’t know if this instrument will be featured in our recitals—but you must admit that it does draw attention. Last, and certainly not least, is Steengo. Who after he left the service became quite adept on the fiddelino. Steengo, a demonstration if you please.”

  Steengo smiled paternally at us and waved. He had gray hair and an impressive paunch. I was concerned about his age and general fitness but the Admiral, after secretly scanning the records, reassured me that Steengo’s health was A-OK, that he worked out regularly and, other than a tendency towards slight overweight, he was fit for field conditions. I shrugged—since there was little else I could do. The records revealed that he had taken up the instrument after retirement from active duty; with talent in such short supply I had had the veterans’ records searched as well. When approached he was more than happy to get back into harness. The fiddelino had two necks and twenty strings and sounded rather jolly in a plucking scratching way that everyone seemed to enjoy. Steengo bowed graciously to acknowledge the applause.

  ‘That’s it then. You have just met The Stainless Steel Rats. Any questions?”

  “Yes,” Madonette said, and all eyes turned her way. “What is the music that we will be playing?”

  “Good question—and I think I have a good answer. Research into contemporary music reveals a great variety of rhythms and themes. Some of them pretty bad, like country-and-steel-mill music. Some with a certain charm like the Chipperinos and their flock of singing birds. But we need something new and different. Or old and different as long as no one has heard the music in a few thousand years. For our inspiration I have had the music department at Galaksia Universitato research their most ancient databases. Millennia have passed since this music was last heard. Usually with good reason.”