Carved in Ice

by Ivy Smoak

  He laughed. “I never said that.”

  I leaned over and nudged my shoulder against his.

  He nudged mine back. “I know all of this is hard. I lived undercover for over a year. It’s easy to lose yourself.”

  “Yeah.” But I wasn’t sure that was my problem. If anything, I desperately wanted to forget who I was. I wanted to be able to let go of all the pain I was holding on to. I didn’t want to tell Eli that, though. How could you tell someone who liked you that you wanted to throw up every time you looked in the mirror? I hated who he loved. “I hate the snow,” I said to break the awkward silence that had settled around us.

  “Why?”

  I thought I knew why, but my confession held more weight than I imagined. I had lost my baby in a blizzard. Before that I had loved the snow. It reminded me of Miles. Now that I had lost him too? “Nothing good ever happens in the snow.”

  “Then maybe you shouldn’t have been aiming a pistol from an insane distance. If you'd fired it, you would have added to the evidence that nothing good happens when it snows You could have easily hit a child, Summer.”

  I wiped a stray tear away. “Maybe I have lost my mind. It just feels like the longer this goes on, the more I lose.” I let my eyes meet his again. I had lost Miles. I had lost V. And I had lost Eli too. “No one believes in me anymore.” That wasn’t exactly what I meant. But how could I tell him that no one loved me anymore? That it felt like for one second I had everything and it was all taken away again?

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  It was like he could sense my true confession.

  He scrunched his mouth to the side, the action that reminded me of Miles so much. My heart constricted.

  “Dr. Miller is here.” Athena’s voice flooded the apartment.

  Eli cleared his throat. “Dr. Miller thinks your name is Alison Montgomery. Talk to him, but try not to give him any information he doesn’t need.” He looked up to one of the cameras mounted in the corner of the living room. “Athena, secure the base.” He stood up and put his hand out for me. I ignored the sound of the faux wall descending. It would hide our surely illegal security and training set up. I had thought it was an unnecessary and expensive precaution. But we were finally using it now. Besides, it didn’t matter. I had all the money in the world and barely any time to use it.

  I slipped my hand into Eli’s and he helped me to my feet. “If you want to continue our discussion later, my bedroom door is always unlocked.” He squeezed my hand and then dropped it.

  I watched him disappear down the hall. Suddenly I didn’t feel so alone. I was also very aware of the fact that his touch didn’t feel scalding hot.

  Chapter 5

  Sunday

  What was I allowed to say? It felt like Dr. Miller could see right through me. I glanced at the camera mounted in the corner of the kitchen. Was V watching me right now?

  “Alison?”

  I ignored Dr. Miller. How was I supposed to talk about anything with that camera right there?

  “Alison?” He reached out and lightly touched my hand.

  I immediately pulled away. “I’m sorry, I think agreeing to see you was a mistake.”

  “Agreeing was the first step, but you need to talk to me. Why don’t we start from the beginning. Tell me about your parents.”

  Was he trying to make my heart bleed? “Clearly you already know all about me.”

  “On the contrary, Alison. I know nothing about you. My patient said he had a friend that needed help. So here I am.”

  “You know nothing about me?”

  “Not a thing.”

  I wasn’t sure why I was surprised. Why would V talk about me? I meant nothing to him. “The man that recommended I talk to you…” I wasn’t exactly sure how to word my question without looking insane. What’s his name? If we were friends I’d know his name. “He…”

  “I’m not at liberty to discuss any other patients.”

  That was shut down fast.

  “Let’s go back to your parents.” He jotted something down in the notebook in front of him. “Mentioning them upset you, why is that? Is your relationship with them strained?”

  Strained? I clasped my hands together under the table. “My parents died when I was eight years old. I never even got to know what a strained relationship with them would be like.”

  His pen stopped. “Eight you said?”

  “Yes. After that, I lived with my grandmother for awhile, but then she passed away. Then there were more foster families than I care to remember. Until one…stuck.”

  He put his pen down on top of his notebook. “Have you ever talked to anyone about any of this before?”

  I shrugged. “Not all the details, no.”

  “You’ve been holding a lot of things close to your chest.”

  “Not by choice.”

  “And what do you mean by that?”

  I wasn’t fond of whatever mind tricks he was trying to play. But I did find it easy to talk to him. “My best friend growing up knew what I had been through. We stayed pen pals while I moved around between foster families. But he stopped writing to me eventually.”

  “Just stopped? With no explanation?”

  “That’s what I thought.”

  He stared at me, waiting for me to elaborate.

  “I saw him again recently. He claimed he'd never stopped writing. My foster father must have hijacked his letters.”

  “Why would your foster father do that?” His voice was gentle. It made it easy to talk to him.

  “Our relationship was rather toxic.”

  Dr. Miller lifted up his pen again. “How so?” He jotted something down in his notebook.

  There wasn’t really a way to sugarcoat it. “He abused me.”

  His pen stopped. “Mentally or…”

  “Physically. Well, both really.” I realized my hands were clasped so tightly that I was cutting off my circulation. I pulled them apart and rubbed them against my thighs.

  “Physically how?”

  Wasn’t it obvious? “What do you think?”

  “This isn’t a guessing game, Alison. What did he do to you?”

  Alison. This man had no idea who I was. So what did it matter if he knew the truth? “He beat me. He raped me. He made me believe that I was worthless.” I think he murdered my parents. He’s manipulating this city just like he manipulated me. And he has a bounty on my head.

  Dr. Miller closed his notebook. “I’m not going to pretend to understand the pain you’re feeling.”

  Something about the way he said it made tears well in my eyes. Everyone liked to pretend they understood what I was going through. But they didn’t. I respected him for saying that he didn’t understand. I closed my eyes to try to stop myself from crying.

  “But I do want to help you work through that pain. If you’ll let me.”

  “It won’t go away. I can’t even get over my parents’ deaths. I can’t get over anything. It’s like I hold it close because I like being miserable.”

  “Maybe you feel like you deserve to suffer?”

  I slowly opened my eyes. “Why?”

  “Maybe it’s easier to feel pain than taking a chance? Or maybe it’s plain old guilt?”

  “Guilt? I didn’t do anything to deserve this.”

  “That isn’t what I meant. How about we go back to the beginning again. This pen pal. Do you still have feelings for him?”

  “Whoever said I had feelings for him?” I didn’t like that he thought he knew me after such a brief conversation.

  “It was the only time during this whole discussion that you smiled.”

  Was that true? It didn’t matter. “At one point I think I loved him, but I was so young.” I shook my head. “That's a lie. I still love him. But I’m not sure if it’s because he’s the last thing left from my past or because my feelings are real.” I shook my head again. “It’s probably both.”

  “And how does that make you feel?”

  “Aband
oned all over again.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he’s moved on with his life. Even though he stood there and told me he was still in love with the real me.”

  “The real you?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “If these feelings are causing you pain, it does matter.”

  “Heartbreak is the least of my problems right now.”

  “I think that maybe a lot of the pain you’re feeling is stemming from this issue of abandonment. Is there anyone else in your life that you feel has abandoned you?”

  “Everyone. No foster family wanted me. I went from house to house. Do you have any idea what that’s like when you’re already barely holding on?”

  He shook his head. When I didn’t continue speaking, we just stared at each other. I wasn’t sure for how long. But it was like he was examining my confession.

  “Who else gave up on you, Alison?” he finally pressed.

  “It felt like the state gave up on me. My grandmother died. My parents died.”

  “Death isn’t abandonment.”

  “It is when you’re eight years old!”

  “I’m sure your parents loved you. I’m sure they wish they could be here right now.”

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  “And why do you say that, Alison?”

  “They’d be ashamed of who I’ve become.”

  “Are you sure it’s not you who's ashamed of who you've become?”

  I didn’t even know what to say. He was probably spot on. But it didn’t take away my feeling of resentment for everyone who'd left me on my own. It was my worst fears coming true though. I was terrified of becoming a monster like Don. What if it was too late?

  “Even if I am ashamed of myself, it doesn’t take away this feeling that I’m on my own. V…” I coughed. “I mean…the man that recommended you speak to me. He can’t even stand me. It feels like he made me fall for him, and then as soon as he had my love, he pushed me to the side. It’s not just in my head. No one ever stays.”

  Dr. Miller lifted up his notebook and slid it into his satchel. “I don’t think he’s going anywhere.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Our mutual friend has greatly benefited from you being in his life. I don’t believe he’s trying to push you away. Have you ever considered that you just don’t know him as well as you think you do?”

  “I barely know him at all. He never talks about himself.”

  “Have you ever asked?”

  “Of course.”

  He nodded. “Regardless, I truly believe he will not be abandoning you. It’s not in his nature. Especially when it comes to you.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “It’s like his heart thawed throughout the past 6 months. When you showed up in his life.”

  “I thought he never mentioned me?”

  “That’s true. He’s never mentioned you, Alison. I need to get going. But we can meet again if you’d like. How about Wednesday evening at the same time?”

  “I…um…”

  “Your friend has my number. I’ll see you then.”

  He walked away without waiting for my response. And I had an eerie feeling that he knew exactly who I was.

  Chapter 6

  Monday

  Even though all the blinds were closed in the apartment, I still knew it was snowing. It was like I could taste the snowflakes on my tongue, like I could imagine making snow angels, like I could see the blood.

  Stop. I wasn’t sure I knew how to be alone when it snowed. My memories haunted me. Sometimes it felt like the good memories were just as painful as the bad ones.

  I stepped out of my bedroom and closed the door behind me. My bare feet were cold as I tiptoed down the hall as quietly as I could. Eli had said his door was always unlocked. He hadn’t invited me to spend the night in his room, he had just mentioned that we could continue our discussion. But I didn’t want to talk. I just didn’t want to feel alone. And Eli wasn’t the person for that.

  I stopped and stared at V’s door instead. I had almost done something stupid today. A child could have easily gotten hurt. My behavior was becoming more sporadic and everyone could sense it. I was worried that I didn’t remember what it felt like to be sane.

  But for one night, I wanted to forget about everything. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to feel loved. Please be awake. I tried to turn the handle and wasn’t at all surprised that it was locked.

  I lightly tapped my knuckle against the door. Nothing. I did it again, ever so quietly. “V,” I whispered. I had this ridiculous notion that if I could thaw his heart, maybe he could thaw mine.

  Mine wasn’t frozen though. It was broken. It had been broken ever since my parents died. It shattered even more when Miles stopped writing. And it was irreparable after I lost my baby.

  I felt that. In my head and my heart. There was nothing to hold on to. I stepped away from V’s door. Two broken souls couldn’t repair one another, no matter how much I wanted to believe they could.

  I was about to retreat back to my room when I stopped. It felt like the snow was swirling around in my head, freezing every corner of my brain. A broken soul couldn’t mend me. But there was one person who could help. Before I could talk myself out of it, I walked over to Eli’s room and opened the door. It was unlocked, just like he said it would be. And he was doing exactly what any normal person should be doing at 1 in the morning. Sleeping. This was a mistake. I was about to retreat when he yawned and turned toward me.

  “Summer?” He slowly sat up.

  His voice sounded so innocent when it was doused with exhaustion. The 26-year-old man I had come to know looked more like a child than an adult. His hair was mussed up from the pillow and his eyes were hooded. It reminded me of how Miles looked when I woke him up in the middle of the night. I really shouldn’t be here. But something kept me frozen in place.

  I watched as he grabbed a pair of glasses off his nightstand. I smiled when he put them on. “I didn’t know you wore glasses.”

  “Only when I’m not wearing contacts.”

  The air suddenly felt heavy, like there were a million things I needed to say if I wanted to be able to breathe again. Instead of saying anything, though, I closed the door behind me and walked over to his bed.

  He pushed the covers back. “Just let me get dressed and we can talk.”

  “I don’t want to talk.”

  He got out of bed anyway and grabbed a t-shirt off the ground. I watched his abs disappear beneath it. No one should have been allowed to look that good in pajama bottoms and a t-shirt.

  “I mean…I do want to talk. But I just want you to listen. I need to get some stuff off my chest.”

  He stared at me from the other side of the bed. “Do you want to go for a walk?”

  “No, it’s freezing out.” I looked down at his bed. I wanted to be curled up in it with his arms around me. V not opening his door was a blessing. My future was grim. And I didn’t belong in the past. For once in my life I needed to truly embrace the present. Eli was the only person that seemed to know how to do that.

  There was so much I needed to say. I took a deep breath. “I’ve been in love with Miles Young since I was six years old.”

  Eli lowered his eyebrows.

  “I can’t even explain why. When I was a kid, I was just convinced for no reason in particular that he was the one for me. And I think I held on to that for all these years because he reminded me of home. But he doesn’t care about me anymore. Young love is supposed to fade. It didn’t for me because I lost so much. My head is messed up.”

  “Summer…”

  “But I don’t want to love him. I don’t. And I’m pretty sure a bigger part of me hates him for forgetting about me.” I shook my head. I wasn’t making sense. God, how could I make him understand? “He’s my past. I’m so sick of living in the past.

  “And I think I became infatuated with V because I knew it could never be more. He always talked
about borrowed time or some stupid crap like that. You know how he is.”

  Eli pressed his lips together.

  I shook my head. “But I think I hate him even more than I hate Miles.” At least Miles had never told me he loved me and taken it back. “He’s a murderer. He’s a monster. And I’m so scared of becoming like him.”

  This wasn’t coming out right. Why was I talking about everyone but him? “I’ve been so confused. And so…stupid. I was so consumed with living in the past and trying to embrace this darkness that no one should ever want to embrace, that I completely missed what was right in front of me the whole time.”

  The corners of Eli’s mouth turned up ever so slightly.

  “You were the first person I told the truth to. That I wanted to kill Don. There was a reason for that. I trust you, Eli. You see me for what I am.”

  He started to walk around the bed.

  “I was happy in the past, I was. And it’s nice to think that the future will be better. But this right now? This is me. I’m so tired of hating myself every day. There’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t need therapy. And I don’t need to talk. I just need to learn how to be happy again. I need someone to remind me that I’m not as broken as I feel. Because I’m standing right here breathing. I think I pushed you away because I didn’t want to accept all that I had lost. But I never meant to lose you in the process. I miss you, Eli. And I’m pretty sure you’re the only person I don’t hate at all.”

  He stopped right in front of me. “You never lost me. I was trying to give you space and hoping you’d forgive me.”

  “For what?”

  “For not knowing that Don hurt you.”

  I looked at the pain on his face. The small lines on the outside of his eyes. The sadness in his eyes.

  “I did my best every day to hide it,” I said. “How could you have known?”

  He shook his head. “It kills me, knowing that I missed the signs.”

  That was the other thing I loved about him. He actually felt bad for hurting me. I wasn’t sure there was a better quality, besides for not hurting someone in the first place. And from my experience, that wasn’t possible. “I forgive you.”