Top Elf

by Caleb Huett

  “Okay, well, we want to win.” Celia punched some buttons on the sleigh, cutting off some of my screens and adding more speed. “You’ll have to let us past you.”

  The train kept pace perfectly without Sally ever having to touch anything.

  “Then you’re going to have to help me get past two more people.”

  I glanced at the map, and saw three dots in a tight triangle ahead of us. GOLDIE, FRANK, and MYRLE.

  “The triplets are next,” I said. “If we pass all three—”

  “Then I’ll be in the top ten. Which can’t happen.” Sally patted a harpoon gun attached to the side of the train. “I don’t want to ruin your chances, but I need to be in eleventh place. If you push ahead past all three of them, I’ll have to pull you back. If you can figure out a way to separate two, I’m happy to let you go.”

  The three of us stuck together and powered forward, where the triplets were in three sleighs with … legs? Thin metal legs. And their sleighs were gold, red, and brown pods. Each triplet had a reindeer sitting inside with them.

  The legs moved all three forward in unison with a repetitive leap that we slowly caught up to. The speed of Celia’s sleigh was really amazing, especially when stabilized by mine. As long as we didn’t get physically knocked out, it seemed likely we could catch up to the front of the pack.

  H.O.R.S.E. tried to connect the triplets to my headset, but they denied us. Immediately, the three pods moved closer together and sealed over into perfect glass spheres. The two on either side connected onto the middle one and rolled up to click together, creating an upside-down triangle. The orbs rotated individually so the top two triplets were facing us, and their leg pairs slid together to form two big robot arms. The hands clanged loudly as they snapped open and closed.

  “I don’t like the look of this, Captain,” Crasher said.

  “That makes—” I paused for a second to count how many reindeer Sally had. “Fourteen of us.”

  “I think it’s pretty cool,” Celia said.

  “Okay, so thirteen.”

  “Yeah. I mean, it’s scary, but I definitely would say that I like it,” said Sally.

  “Twelve, then.”

  Slammer and Jammer said, at the same time, “Where can we get one of those?”

  “Okay you know what it doesn’t really matter how many of us don’t like the look of this.”

  A tiny sleigh sped through from behind and tried to slip around us. Sally’s train started to react, but before it could, the triplets plucked the sleigh off the ground and whirled it around like a baseball, launching it back down the track where we came from. A little elf I didn’t recognize yelled and pushed a button to inflate a protective rubber bubble around the sleigh and its one little reindeer as they blasted off into the distance.

  We all stared at the triplets’ machine.

  “You can add me back into the list,” Celia said.

  We slowed down enough to maintain a solid distance between us and the robot, which kept opening and closing its hands hungrily. Sally had picked her book back up like it was the most boring thing in the world.

  “What if we used your harpoon to pull one of them away from the others?” I asked.

  Sally shook her head. “I can only use it once, and I need it for emergencies.”

  “Emergencies like keeping us from getting ahead of you.”

  “Yeah, just like those. How’d you know?” She flipped another page.

  I covered my eyes with my hands so I could focus, and also so that maybe Sally would feel bad for me since I looked sad. She didn’t say anything, and probably wasn’t looking, but I did come up with a plan.

  “Rocker, is it okay if I ride on your back?” I asked. Celia looked at me like I was crazy … because I was. “Celia, you and Crasher will have to keep us moving. Sally, you go right; we’ll go left. We might get ahead of them for a second—go easy on the harpoon, okay?”

  Rocker said, “Aye,” and I had H.O.R.S.E. disconnect her from the sleigh. She flew around to the side, and I climbed onto her back awkwardly.

  “What’s the plan, boss?” Rocker asked.

  Celia steered our sleighs to the left, and Sally’s train veered off to the right. The triplets’ orbs circled to look at them, and the arms reached out to grab them. Pulling against each other, though, they couldn’t quite reach either side.

  I took a deep breath. “Head straight for the middle. Go between the legs.”

  “You sure?”

  “I’m sure.”

  Rocker leaned her head forward and kicked off in the air, propelling herself toward the triplets’ machine, lightning bolts first. I maneuvered my feet under me, so I was crouching on her back and clinging for dear life to her neck. The two triplets that had been facing us were distracted by Celia and Sally, so no one noticed us when we slipped between the robot legs.

  As soon as Rocker got in front of the machine, I jumped up and grabbed hold of the middle orb, scrambling to find something to hold on to.

  “Crikey!” Rocker yelled.

  There wasn’t really anything to grab, but the forward momentum and my constant wiggling kept me attached enough.

  Myrle was inside, in overalls. He looked at my smushed-up face and frowned. His reindeer, who was wearing a nose ring, stuck his tongue out at me. I saw Myrle push a lever back and forth, and the orb twisted left and right quickly. I held on tight, making sure I totally blocked Myrle’s view. He spun all the way around, twice, which made me feel sick but didn’t throw me off.

  “I’ve hacked into his map,” Celia said into my earpiece. Inside, Myrle’s screen had several question marks all around it with a message that said, MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU’LL INSTALL A BETTER FIREWALL FOR ME, HUH?

  Perfect. Now he’ll have no idea which way he’s facing. I could feel the robot wobbling around, trying to figure out which direction to go.

  The glass covering on the orb cracked open just a little, so I could hear Myrle yell, “GET OFFA ME, TWERP!”

  “I’M SORRY!” I yelled back. “BUT WE ARE TRYING TO WIN.”

  I felt something grab my foot, hard, and start peeling me away from the machine.

  “Rocker, hurry! Hit the legs!” My hands made a loud squeaking noise as they slid down the glass. I was lifted into the air by my foot, my shirt falling over and the smiley-face button Andrea gave me hitting me in the face. I pushed at the shirt, trying to see, and as soon as I got it out of the way of my eyes, I saw Rocker head-butt one of the knees, then whirl her back legs around and kick the other knee sideways. I guess the legs were flimsier than they looked or Rocker was very strong, because they buckled in two totally different directions and Myrle’s orb came plummeting down.

  The top two triplets disconnected and rolled their legs onto the ground, running like they had before we arrived. Myrle’s orb was left behind, cracked and broken in the middle of the track.

  The hand that was holding me started to let me go so it could move into being a leg, and I took the opportunity to grab on to it and start climbing toward the knee. I closed my eyes and held my breath while it rotated all the way around so I wouldn’t throw up, then figured out which direction I was facing and climbed up to the knee. I looked for a screw or something to pull out, but couldn’t find anything that wasn’t welded together.

  I pulled myself up higher, very proud of my climbing skills, and got to where it attached to the orb. There was a little crack in the orb where the legs connected so they’d be able to move back and forth, which would be perfect to jam something into. I patted my left pocket—nothing. I patted my right pocket—nothing. I looked down at my clothes and saw the button.

  Pulling a button off without ripping the shirt is already hard on its own, much less while clinging to a swinging metal rod thirty feet in the air. I eventually got it unclipped, though, and waited until the leg was stretched all the way forward. I jammed the button into the gap behind the leg, then yanked my fingers away as fast as possible. The leg swung back around, crushing t
he button.

  The button was just supposed to jam the leg, but when it was crushed, it released an electric energy that shone bright blue. I felt a tingle running through my body, and the legs both shook and stopped moving altogether. The orb tipped forward, and I pushed off of the leg into the air.

  “HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP!” I yelled. “HELP HELP HELP HE—” The wind was knocked out of me when I landed, stomach first, across Rocker’s back. I heard a crash as the second triplet fell.

  “That was brutal,” Rocker said. I tried not to worry about it, because if I thought too much, I would feel bad. Also I would feel bonkers for ever trying that. “What did you do to the second one?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I think that was my button?”

  “See you later, Celia, Ollie. Catch!” Sally yelled, and threw something hard up into the air. Rocker swooped over so I could catch it. It was a felt bag, filled with beads. “They’re marbles, and there are a lot of them. They don’t do much at that size but get really big when you sing ‘Jingle Bells.’ ”

  “Thanks, Sally,” Celia said. Rocker dropped me off at our sleigh and connected back into formation.

  “Good luck. Go easy on my brothers.”

  Celia grinned. “No promises!”

  I heard Sally laugh. “Fair.”

  Without arms to grab us, the other triplet was pretty easy to dodge around and push past. The lights along the side of the track started lifting off the ground, and we kicked into flight mode before the ground dropped out.

  “HORSED EIGHTH PLACE.”

  Celia gasped. “Whoa, Ollie, look down.”

  I looked down and reeled back, scooting as far away from the edge as possible.

  “That is a huge chasm and it is thousands of feet deep and we could fall and die and why did you tell me to look down?”

  “People always say ‘don’t look down.’ I wanted to be more interesting.”

  When I stopped feeling my heartbeat trying to pop my eyes out, I stood up and looked behind us. Frank, the remaining triplet, had moved the legs up above them, where they were rotating like helicopter propellers and bobbing her along in the air.

  “HORSED SEVENTH PLACE,” H.O.R.S.E. whinnied. Celia and I looked at each other, confused.

  “How did we do that?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. I didn’t see anyone.” Celia was already climbing back into the engine to fix something else.

  Ramp’s sleigh was next up, and we were going to fly past him pretty easily, but H.O.R.S.E. automatically connected to his sleigh and he yelled out:

  “Now, you wait! You wait for your best friend Ramp!”

  I sighed and slowed the sleigh down so we were flying right next to him. He was holding on to his toupee with one hand and steering with the other.

  “Uh, hi, Ramp.”

  “I’m hungry.”

  “I didn’t, uh—I don’t think that I brought any—”

  “You built this sleigh! Where are the snacks?”

  “Well, I actually didn’t—”

  “Fine. I guess you don’t have to help out your poor, hungry best friend Ramp.”

  I sighed. “Do we have any snacks?”

  H.O.R.S.E. whinnied, and a compartment popped open. Powerful, happy organ chords came out of a speaker as two big, delicious, caramel-covered popcorn balls were revealed.

  “I was saving those for when we won,” Celia said. “But I guess you can give him one if we have to.”

  I took one out even though I super didn’t want to and threw one to Ramp, who caught it and immediately started tearing into it, sticky crumbs falling all over his beard.

  “Okay, we’re … uh, gonna go, Ramp.”

  “Mmnff. Nggmmnnfff!” He didn’t stop eating long enough to make sense, so I turned up the speed and we pushed away from that mess.

  “HORSED SIXTH PLACE.”

  The next sleigh was more of an upside-down top hat held aloft by a small army of birds tied to the brim—two big ones, albatrosses, and then a wide variety of colors and shapes in between them. The three reindeer at the front had huge animatronic wings attached to their backs that were flapping as well.

  The elf inside, who (from what I could tell) was wearing a snazzy suit, tipped the top hat on her head at me. “Ollie! What a delight. I hope your day has been as marvelous as mine.”

  “Gadzooks! Is that you? I didn’t see you in the first challenge.”

  “That’s me: Gadzooks Gremlin! At your service.” She bowed as far as she could, which wasn’t very far since the giant hat went up to her shoulders.

  Gadzooks wasn’t her real name, but that’s what she’d started calling herself when she decided she wanted to be a magician. Her father, Richard Gremlin, was in charge of the aviary. There are lots of Christmas birds, but everyone knows that—partridges, turtledoves, French hens, you name it. Gadzooks learned how to make birds disappear, and then one thing led to another, and now she talks like a character from a fancy old movie even though she’s my age.

  I slowed down as we approached her hat. “Do you have any scary tricks to keep us away?” I asked. “Like, are your birds going to peck out our eyes?” Gadzooks and I were friends, but it wouldn’t hurt to check just in case. It was a competition.

  “Why, no! I couldn’t possibly imagine causing any hijinks. Here, have a candy bar!” She tossed a candy bar over from her sleigh, which I caught. “Go on, take a bite.”

  I knew exactly where this was going.

  “There’s a bird in this, isn’t there?”

  “A bird?! How could you accuse me of such tomfoolery? I would never.”

  “Okay, but, basically every time you hand me anything, there’s a bird in it.”

  “Look at the candy bar. Look at the front, the back, the sides. Could that possibly fit a bird?”

  I spun it around in my hands. It looked like a perfectly normal candy bar, except that the label on the front said it was from Not a Bird! Inc. and the slogan under that said This is for sure Not a Bird!

  I opened the wrapper, and it was a real chocolate bar.

  Well, this is refreshing.

  I took a bite, and it was delicious.

  Gadzooks started cackling. “You fool! You’ve fallen for my trap once again, Sir Gnome. Bested once more by your friend and compatriot, good ol’ Gadzooks.”

  “Huh?” I took another bite of the chocolate. “How did you best me?”

  “You thought it was a bird, didn’t you? And it wasn’t! Not a single bird to be found!”

  “I don’t feel bested, though. Now I’ve got chocolate.”

  “Tell me how you feel after you look under your hat.”

  “You mean my helmet?” I reached my hand up and patted the top of my helmet, where a top hat rested that wasn’t there before. “Oh.”

  I lifted up the hat, and there was a dove underneath it. It flew around in a circle, then flew back to me and snuggled up in my shirt.

  “You’ve been bamboozled!” Gadzooks cackled again.

  The dove cooed and nestled in to get warm. I looked back at my hand, and the hat had disappeared.

  “If that’s all, I think we’re going to move on ahead.”

  “Absolutely! Keep your wits about you. The birds and I have stayed here because the vehicle up ahead is simply frightful. We’d come out nothing but feathers.” She shook her head, looking very dramatic and sad.

  “See you soon, Gadzooks. I bet your Santa suit will be amazing.”

  “Same to you, Ollie. Oh, and one last thing.” She leaned over and whispered into my ear so it wouldn’t go over the radio. “When you get the chance, tell Celia to look behind her ear.” Gadzooks winked at me and patted my sleigh as permission for us to go ahead. I cranked up our speed to push across the chasm.

  “HORSED FIFTH PLACE,” H.O.R.S.E. announced.

  At the same time, Celia yelled, “A wild turkey?! How did a wild turkey get behind my ear?!” The wild turkey attempted to explain with a series of loud gobbles as i
t glided away from the sleigh.

  I was starting to get exhausted, and my arms hurt from climbing the triplets’ robot, but I knew I couldn’t slow down yet.

  We had to win.

  Or at least beat Buzz.

  The path had been curving back toward town ever since we started flying over the chasm, and it looked like we were going to be landing back on the ground soon. Up ahead was the biggest sleigh I’d ever seen—maybe even bigger than Buzz’s. It was painted a dark green and had big rotating cylinders attached to the front and back that were covered in spikes. As we got closer, I saw the words THE HARVESTER spray-painted in big, angry letters. On my map screen the sleigh was labeled ANDREA.

  Up front were eleven reindeer, all focused forward with serious expressions on their faces … but that might have been because they were scared of getting chomped up in the Harvester’s spikes. The width of the sleigh alone blocked off the track, and the squad of reindeer made it look even more difficult to get past her.

  She’s nice though, right? I thought. She won’t crush us to little bitty pieces.

  “WHRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHH!!!” the Harvester said. It touched down on the snowy ground and churned up a huge cloud of snow, completely obscuring itself and spraying a cold onslaught all over us.

  I kicked the sleigh into flight mode. Crasher flew us up pretty high and pushed into the cloud of snow. I couldn’t even see the steering wheel in front of me. The Harvester’s noise was deafening. Crasher jerked the sleigh to the left, hard, and I grabbed onto a screen to keep from falling. (It wasn’t the smartest idea, but it worked.)

  “One of those crunchy, spiky things is waving around up here, Captain.” Crasher swerved right, and the spinning spike cut through the cloud of smoke just in front of my nose.

  Crasher pulled us into a barrel-roll maneuver, which almost tossed me totally out of the sleigh.

  “What’s going on, Ollie?” Celia yelled from inside the engine. “This sleigh isn’t supposed to go upside down!”

  Andrea’s voice came over my headset. “I can’t even tell you how sorry I am, Oilie,” she said, sounding like she was talking about spilling something on the couch and not almost killing us. “I just need to find the button …” Crasher pulled up to avoid the snarling spikes rolling by.