Clothing Optional
Page 15
HE
I count the different states on all of the different license plates on all of the different cars that come through here! It’s great! Did you ever play that game when you were a kid? It’s great fun! Educational, too.
SHE
But you said that no cars have come here since Labor Day.
HE
Absolutely. Which is why no car with any kind of license plate will get in our way if we…
He produces two badminton rackets and a net, which he attaches to the booths.
HE (cont’d)
…attach the net to both of our booths, and play a few games of…
SHE
No!!!
She realizes she was too emphatic.
SHE (cont’d)
I mean, “No, thank you.”
HE
Okay.
SHE
Nothing personal. It’s just that…
HE
I understand.
SHE
You do?
HE
(nodding)
I’m coming on too strong, right?
SHE
(smiling)
No, it’s just that…
HE
It’s just that I was coming on too strong. Well, we’ll fix that.
He goes back into his booth.
A beat.
The phone rings in her booth. After three rings, she answers it.
SHE
(into phone)
Hello?
HE
(into phone)
Hello, Robin?
SHE
(into phone)
Yes?
HE
(into phone)
Hello, Robin, this is Roger…. Roger Schwing…from next door.
SHE
(into phone)
Hello, Roger.
HE
(into phone)
Look, Robin—I realize that this is real short notice and everything, but I was wondering if you’d like to get together tonight.
SHE
(into phone)
Well…
HE
(into phone)
Like I said, I know this is the last minute and if you do have plans, I’ll understand, but…
SHE
(into phone)
Well, as a matter of fact, I did have some other things…
He leans out of his booth and screams across to her.
HE
What other things?
(into phone, modulated)
Hello, Robin?
SHE
(into phone)
Yes?
HE
(into phone)
It’s Roger, from next door.
SHE
(into phone)
Hello, Roger.
HE
(into phone)
Would you like to go out tonight?
SHE
(into phone)
…Okay.
HE
(into phone)
Four-thirty okay with you?
SHE
(looking at her watch)
Yeah, okay.
HE
See you then.
She thinks about getting ready for the date and pulls down the shade.
Inside his booth, he begins to get ready for his date. He pulls down a revolving rack and turns it on. It circles around him in the booth, revealing all the items he will need for his date, including toiletries and clothing.
As he changes his shirt and anoints himself with the appropriate lotions, brushes his teeth, and ultimately dries his hair by dint of a hair dryer that he plugs in to a socket just below the green light on his booth, he covers all these moves by singing original lyrics to the tune of “If You Knew Susie,” making up the words as he goes.
HE
(singing)
If you knew Robin, like I know Robin,
Oh, oh, she collects tolls,
She has very short hair,
But what do I care?
Oh, Oh, I sure hope she bowls…
I’ve been out here so long,
That even if she, she’s hes-it-tant,
I am sure that whatever we do
Will still be quite pleas-it-tant.
If you knew Robin, like I know Robin
Oh, oh, I hope it don’t rain.
On the word rain he picks out an umbrella, a box of candy, and a bottle of wine from the revolving rack. He puts them all under his arm and exits his tollbooth, humming and sashaying across to her booth.
At her booth, he preens himself one last time, then knocks on her door.
SHE
(from inside)
Who’s there?
HE
It’s Roger…. Roger Schwing…from next door.
SHE
I’ll be right out.
HE
Take your time.
He stands there humming “You Can’t Hurry Love.”
A beat.
Still humming, he walks to the abutment in front of her booth, bends over, picks a few plastic flowers from it, and walks back to her door with a little bouquet.
A beat.
He’s growing impatient, shifting his weight from one foot to the other and speeding up the tempo of “You Can’t Hurry Love.”
HE
How are you doing in there? Almost ready?
SHE
Almost.
HE
Take your time.
(Sotto)
“Almost” ready?
He sings “You Can’t Hurry Love” at an accelerated pace, building to an incredible degree of frustration and impatience.
HE
(under his breath)
Where the hell…?
A beat.
HE (cont’d)
(under his breath)
Where the hell…?
He jumps.
HE (cont’d)
Where the hell? Where the hell? Where the hell?
The door to her booth opens; she comes out, sees him, and watches politely.
HE (cont’d)
Where the hell? Where the hell? Where the hell? Where the…
He registers her presence.
HE
Hello, Robin.
SHE
Sorry to keep you waiting.
HE
These are for you.
He hands her the wine, the chocolates, and the plastic flowers.
SHE
You shouldn’t have. Thank you.
A truck passes overhead. She extends her hand—as if to take in a toll—and follows the truck’s route with it. He follows her move as she recovers.
SHE
Now, what do we do?
HE
Anything we want. Hey, we’re young. We have our health. Want to dance?
SHE
What?
HE
Hey, it’s Friday night. Date night. Let’s go dancing.
He runs back to his booth, where we hear him rummaging.
SHE
Dancing?
He inserts a CD in a compact-disc player.
HE
Dancing.
He leaves the booth and dances toward her.
We hear conga music coming from his booth.
HE (cont’d)
Conga dancing—let’s form a line.
He puts her hands on his waist and begins to dance.
SHE
No!
He stops.
SHE (cont’d)
I mean, “No thank you.”
He turns around, grabbing her waist.
HE
Would you like to be in the front? Is that the problem? Because if it is, I’ll gladly let you….
SHE
No, I don’t like to conga.
HE
You don’t like to conga?
SHE
Don’t get me wrong, this is not to be taken as a cultural slur on whichever culture in fact gave us the conga, or to even imply that I don
’t fully appreciate the joy that that dance has brought to our culture when danced at weddings and Bar Mitzvahs…. It’s just that…
HE
It’s just that you don’t like to conga.
She sheepishly nods.
HE (cont’d)
Hey, don’t get so down on yourself. A lot of people don’t like to conga.
He finds another CD, inserts it, and runs back out.
HE (cont’d)
But everyone loves the limbo.
We hear recording of Chubby Checker singing “Limbo Rock.”
He bows at the waist, does some limbo moves as he travels around and behind the booths, then leans backward at the waist as he attempts to limbo under the “exact change” tollgate.
HE (cont’d)
This is fun.
He sings with Chubby as he dances and limbos. At one point it’s obvious that his stomach is going to hit the “pole.” So, in the limbo position, he reaches into his pocket, grabs a coin, and throws it into the exact-change basket. The gate goes up, and he limbos the rest of the way.
HE
Nothing to it. Your turn.
She turns away from him. He grabs her from behind; she falls rigidly flat in his arms, yet he tries delicately to push and pull her as if she were a toy, toward the gate. Just when her chest is about to hit the gate, he becomes concerned.
HE (cont’d)
Uh-oh…I don’t have an extra quarter.
(fumbles for it)
Do you have one?
SHE
In my booth.
HE
Oh…
He now pulls her rigid body out from under the gate and stands her in an upright position.
HE (cont’d)
I’ll go get it.
SHE
Please don’t.
HE
Why not?
SHE
Look, I think I might’ve made a mistake accepting this date.
HE
(to himself)
I’ve done it again, I took a person and pushed them a little too far….
SHE
It has nothing to do with you. It’s just that I’m not into this right now.
HE
Sure.
SHE
I’m sorry.
She turns to go back to her booth.
HE
Is there someone else?
She stops, nods, and cries.
SHE
Yes. I mean, there was.
HE
Is he dead?
SHE
No.
HE
Does he collect tolls?
SHE
No.
She turns toward him and blows her nose.
SHE (cont’d)
He’s a chiropodist…a foot doctor…
He nods to indicate that he knows what a chiropodist is.
HE
I had a bunion once. I could barely put on my shoe….
SHE
That’s why I took this job. To take my mind off things. To throw myself into the work.
He looks around at the vast nothingness and inactivity that surrounds them.
SHE (cont’d)
You know what I mean?
HE
I sure do. And with all due respect, I think I know exactly what you need to help you feel comfortable enough to tell me, a total stranger, your innermost secrets about what went wrong with you and the chiropodist.
SHE
What’s that?
HE
Wine.
SHE
Wine?
HE
Give me a second.
He runs to his booth, enters, and emerges with two chairs, a folding table, a bottle of wine, and a corkscrew.
He quickly sets up the table and chairs.
HE
Are you hungry?
SHE
Not really.
HE
You sure? Because I’d be more than happy to run over to the beach, drill a hole in the ice, sit there, catch a fish, bring it back here, clean it, and then…
(indicates his booth)
cook it in my microwave.
SHE
No, that’s okay.
They sit. He uncorks the bottle and pours the wine.
HE
So tell me what happened between you and the chiropodist.
SHE
I screwed up.
HE
You did?
SHE
Real bad.
HE
How?
SHE
I really hated to hurt him.
HE
I understand. But you still haven’t told me how you screwed up.
SHE
I don’t know…
HE
I mean, were you dishonest? Did you deceive him? Did you cheat on him and have safe sex with someone else but then when he asked where you learned all these new moves you insisted that you two have been doing those things all along and accused him of having amnesia but when he said, “I don’t have amnesia, Robin,” you said that your name was Barbara, so you dropped him like a hot potato and now he’s being kept in a special room until the doctors finish their tests but they say they’re going to have to take his driver’s license away from him no matter what and it’s all because of you? Did you? Did you? Did you?
SHE
(smiling)
No.
HE
You were faithful to him and your feelings?
SHE
Yes.
HE
So? How did you screw up?
SHE
By placing too many unrealistic demands on the relationship. You see, I still have this fairy-tale idea of what romance is supposed to be. So it always starts off great, but when reality sets in, I get disappointed.
HE
I understand.
SHE
Sort of makes me never want to fall in love again, because I know I’m just going to end up getting hurt.
HE
Well, I don’t agree with that.
SHE
You don’t?
HE
No—that’s like saying you’re not going to get a dog because it’s going to die someday. Why deny yourself all that love and all that fun just because you’re eventually going to have to say good-bye? The trick with love is to seize the moment it hits you and try to make it last as long as you can, knowing that there are no guarantees.
SHE
Hey, that’s smart.
HE
What’s smart?
SHE
What you just said. That whole dead-dog thing.
HE
It is?
SHE
Sure it is.
HE
Wow.
SHE
You didn’t know it was smart?
HE
I never said those words before. They made sense when I thought them, but you never know exactly how brilliant thoughts are going to sound until you say them.
SHE
How long have you had these brilliant thoughts?
HE
About seven weeks now.
SHE
Ever since you started working here?
HE
Actually, it’s ever since my dad passed away.
SHE
When was that?
HE
About eight weeks now.
SHE
Oh, I’m so sorry. You were close?
HE
Very close. We worked together. He had a factory that he and I ran.
SHE
What kind of factory?
HE
Combs. We made combs.
SHE
Combs? You mean hair combs? Those kind of combs?
HE
Yeah, combs. We made combs. Combs don’t grow. They’re made. And that’s what we did. We made those combs.
SHE
Sounds like your business was very important to you.<
br />
HE
Yeah, it was. It was the only business I ever knew. It was always just assumed that it would someday be my business, and that was fine with me—until the day after my father’s funeral. I went to work and looked around at what was supposed to be my future, and you know all I saw?