Nearly Broken

by Devon Ashley

  He reduced the intensity of our kisses until my hormones relented and my legs began to slacken their grip around him, collapsing to the bed from exhaustion. I think he continued to kiss on me until I finally fell asleep, but I was in such a euphoric daze I couldn’t say for sure.

  It was weird how quickly I had become accustomed to Nick’s body pressed against mine as I slept, because I always seemed to waken once the heat his body had supplied mine dissipated. And it was no wonder I was cold, as I was butt-naked beneath the sheet of silky cotton.

  I almost didn’t care that I was alone. My pillow smelled of Nick’s body wash, and it was heavenly. But still, having him actually in bed with me was far better.

  My insides were still humming happily down below when I threw the cover off my skin. For the first time since my life went to shit, I actually felt sexy in my damaged skin, and didn’t think twice about ditching the tank and shorts and just wrapped myself up loosely with the silk robe.

  Stepping softly, I lightly dragged my fingertips along the wall to guide me down the hall. Shades of gray and black finally appeared as I neared the living room. It was hard to see, but I thought I saw Nick’s head rolled back over the armchair. I quietly made my way over, thinking he was asleep, but was surprised to find him awake, a tiny glint of light shining off his eyes.

  But even in the darkness, I could tell by the angles and curves on his face that something was seriously wrong.

  “Nick?” I whispered, slightly worried. “What’s wrong?”

  A puff of air shot from his nose like a bull. He shook his head and finished the beer in his hand, the glass thunking when it dropped to the floor afterwards, clanging into at least one more bottle already disposed. When he sighed and tilted his head in my direction, my heart panicked over his delay in speech.

  Then I wished I had never asked in the first place.

  “Why didn’t you tell me about the cut marks?”

  Fuck. Fuck! My body was so focused on the pleasures that I completely forgot about the damage to my body. The burns he knew about, the cuts, however, I had kept to myself. But his lamps were three-way. He would’ve had to cycle through the brighter settings to turn it off. And since he didn’t say anything while it was dim, he must’ve noticed when he cycled through, my naked, sleeping body lying there right beside him. My cuts would’ve been so obvious.

  “Did you really think you could keep that from me?”

  “No,” I said quickly, dragging the word out longer than necessary. “I just… I…” I closed my eyes, unable to find the right words. “Please don’t be mad.”

  “Don’t be mad?” he snapped, arcing towards me. “My girlfriend gets fucking kidnapped, brainwashed and sold to some shithead who fucking rapes and cuts her every damn night!”

  My eyes cringed shut when he started yelling at full lung capacity. “I think I have the right to be fucking mad! Do you think this is easy for me? To know I wasn’t there to protect you? To know that for every day I was off learning some stupid new culinary skill, that you were being drugged and threatened and raped? He had his hands on MY GIRLFRIEND! And then by some miracle, you not only escape but find your way back to me. And I’m just supposed to pretend everything’s alright now? How the hell are either one of us suppose to do that?”

  His voice collapsed on him next. “How can you not resent me for not finding you? For not protecting you better?” He practically choked when he added solemnly, “Why would you even want to be with someone that’s already failed you?”

  My face long smothered with tears, all I could do was jump on his lap and throw my arms around him. Whether he felt he deserved me or not, I wasn’t going to let him fall apart on me. Not now. Not ever. I didn’t want to move forward without him.

  To my relief, his arms wrapped around me too, and I felt the tug to my roots when he fisted my hair. Through tears and a raspy voice, he cried, “I am so sorry, Megan. I should’ve protected you better.”

  My throat thick with mucous, my voice was barely audible. “It’s not your fault. You wouldn’t have been driving me to school even if you were still in town. I was the stupid one. It’s my fault I was taken.”

  “No. You were young. Innocent.”

  “So were you,” I defended. “And I know you did everything you could to find me. You had to go on with your life. If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t be able to take care of me right now.”

  “But that shouldn’t have happened to you. And I’m glad you burned that motherfucker to the ground. I only wish I could’ve been there to do it with you.”

  The grip he had on my ribs practically suffocated me now, but I didn’t care. It was secure and somewhat comforting, even with the difficulty breathing. “It’s over now. I just want to move on. With you.”

  He gave me a shaky nod. We held each other tightly until our unsteady chest heaves calmed and our tears ran dry. He grabbed my face with both hands and gave me his most passionate kiss yet.

  “I love you, Megan.”

  I felt another tear drop. “I think I love you, too. No, wait…” I paused, tipping my head at an angle. Did I really just say think?

  Did I love him? I knew it seemed fast, but I had been with him twenty-four-seven for practically a month now. Twenty-nine days. Seven hundred and two hours. Watching him, getting to know him, aching to bring my body closer to his, finally getting to kiss him. Was it me on the border of falling in love, or was it something deep within that was tapping into it? Something lingering from the days of Claire, maybe recognizing and reaching for the soul it once connected with?

  Because I kind of felt like I did love him. And I couldn’t deny all the things he’d done to prove his love for me.

  Nick’s chuckle was as soft as a whisper, and his hands surrounded my face to bring my eyes back to his. “That’s alright. Given the circumstances, I’ll happily accept that.”

  We smiled in the darkness and brought our lips together again. The way his hands slipped down to caress my hips, along with the deep succulent kisses, made me wet again, and I was suddenly aware of how exposed I was, sitting in his lap in nothing but a robe with silk ties that had completely loosened from our embrace. Tingles exploded between my legs and my body screamed for me to let him take me.

  I pulled from the kiss and buried my forehead in his neck. “Can I ask you something that’s been weighing on my mind?”

  “Anything.” His hand gently brushed through my tangled hair.

  “You said we started dating when I was a sophomore. Did we ever have sex?”

  He chuckled lightly and I sensed a much-needed smile spreading across his face. “Yeah. But the first year, we just fooled around with oral sex.”

  “Which explains why you did it so well earlier.”

  His amusement growing, he let loose a real laugh this time, and my insides got chills when I remembered how his eyes seduced me when they looked up from between my legs earlier. “Well, I’ve had plenty of experience finding your sweet spots, you just don’t remember it. Shortly after your sixteenth birthday, your parents left to visit relatives one weekend. You asked me to come stay with you and told me you were ready for more.” He paused to tuck my hair behind my ear. “We hardly left your bed the entire time.”

  It now made sense why that bastard always bitched about me not being a virgin – calling me all sorts of things, fucking whore probably the nicest. For the life of me, I could never understand what he was talking about since I thought I was one, but again, I really didn’t give a shit about his disappointments.

  That meant that Nick and I had been really sexually active for a year before I got stolen. I sighed, wishing I could be happy about those memories I no longer had, but I was still grateful for Nick. And I probably shouldn’t have said what was on my mind, but I did. “You have no idea how relieved I am that I got to give my virginity to you before it could be taken by someone else.”

  A faint groan rumbled in his throat. His head fell forward and his embrace found a way to tighten even
more. I wanted nothing more than to remember our time together. I felt cheated. That freaking asshole took me away from the guy I loved, took several years away from our time together, took every emotional memory I ever had with him. And I desperately wanted them back.

  “Nick?” I whispered.

  “Mmm-hmm?”

  “What we did earlier tonight? I want more. I want you.”

  Shock overtook him. He not only pulled out of our embrace but actually held his hands to my shoulders to keep me at bay. “What? No! I shouldn’t have even done what I did. What if I hurt you? I mean, aren’t you…”

  “Traumatized?” I asked solemnly, and he nodded his head. My body slumped once I released a heavy sigh from my stiff body. God…this was just not the type of conversation I wanted to have. Ever. “I know I probably should be. But… Look. I know what happened to me, I do. But I was really out of it each time it happened. I guess in a way it was a blessing, because I wasn’t really conscious, so I remember very little. There were only a few times when I snapped out of my daze when he... And I’m not going to lie, those images still haunt me in a way. But I never had to feel what was happening when it was happening, you know? So in a way, I just don’t remember enough to be as traumatized as I probably should be. I’m more disgusted than anything now, even mad when I think of the others that are still trapped in that life, and a little fearful at times that I could be taken back. But in all honesty, I think the aftereffect of these burns bother me more than the rapes, because I felt them when they happened, and I’m still forced to endure how people react to me when they see them.”

  I didn’t like this distance between us, or the cold seeping over my skin now that he’d pulled away. “Nick, I’ve been trying to cope with this for a long time now. And I feel ready to leave that part of my life behind. I feel ready with you. So, please. I just need a little more from you.”

  He eyed me warily, but I saw the longing hidden within those shining orbs, and I wished there was enough light to see the intense shade of green that filled them. After all, I wasn’t the only one who had gone without for so long. He had to need this as much as me. “How much is a little?”

  “Everything,” I admitted with a whisper.

  His straining eyes closed and his head began to sway. “I’m scared. For the first time in my life I’m truly scared. I don’t want you to hurt anymore.”

  That horrible stinging sensation returned, the muscles behind my eyes straining as the first tear began to fall. “I’m scared, too. For eighteen months now, I’ve lived in terror, fearing everything and everyone. I don’t want to be scared anymore. The only time I’ve ever felt safe is in your arms. I do love you, and I just want to let you in all the way. So please. Please fill me with love, because I can’t bear to be filled with fear anymore. It’s suffocating me.”

  I sensed the resignation in his eyes when they looked sadly my way. He pressed his forehead to mine, gently nodding. “Okay,” he whispered, gently kissing me before pulling me to my feet. His hand guided me to the bedroom. Tipping my chin up at him, he said softly, “We’ll do this, but the second your uncomfortable, it’s over. Got it?”

  I nodded, and lifted to my toes to seal the deal with a kiss. My robe fell off my shoulders, and by the time his skin made contact with mine on the bed, we were both naked. He repeated everything he did earlier, probably because he already knew it wouldn’t hurt me in any way. Beginning with my lips and neck, Nick traveled south to my breasts. Finally, when he had me nearly screaming as he worked down below, he slowly slid inside me. I gasped, and once he was sure it was in pleasure, he gently rocked in and out, his eyes intensely staring into mine.

  We spent the night taking our time. Nick did everything right, and teased me with the rise and falls, constantly prolonging our enjoyment. And when we finished, nothing he’d done had bruised or hurt me in any way. Our emotions and hormones finally spent, my body lay partially atop his, finding comfort in the motion of his chest and the gentle circles he was tracing on my backside. We lay there quietly for the longest time, conversation not necessary, just enjoying the physical contact between our warm, naked flesh.

  I pulled my robe on, crossing my arms for added warmth, and quietly left the bedroom in search of Nick. The guy never seemed to be around every time I woke up. I found him leaning over the kitchen island with his back to me, most likely reading the newspaper like he’d done every other morning. I was guessing this one at least got delivered to his door. I leaned against the hallway doorframe. My gaze got lost in the curvature of his back, biceps and what part of his legs I could see outside his boxers. I could stay there all day admiring that view, but his body shifted positions and cruelly brought me back to reality.

  “Have I told you how much I hate waking up cold and alone?”

  I hadn’t meant for it to come off so disheartening, but it did, as I truly felt that way inside. A pained smile formed on his lips before abandoning the coffee in his hand and making his way towards me.

  “I’m sorry, baby.”

  Baby. That word sounded smooth and sweet coming from his mouth. A girl could get used to hearing that on a daily basis.

  He lightly caressed my cheeks and tenderly kissed me, pulling away far too soon. “You’ve always slept an hour longer than me. I thought for sure I had plenty of time to get back to you before you woke.”

  “Must have been the coffee. You never made it in our apartment, so it never woke me up before.”

  Cool silk pressed against my skin as his hands rubbed the outside of my arms up and down. The friction heated my skin and tingles flitted through my body, their cool effect surprisingly warm. Wanting more, I leaned myself into him, not caring that the robe fell open in the front. His arms wrapped tightly around me, the pressure of his lower half against mine incredibly arousing, and images of our night flashed through my mind.

  Nick, leaning over me, gently massaging my lips with his as our bodies swayed in rhythm.

  Me, on top of Nick, not caring that every inch of my damaged skin was exposed for his viewing. It seemed he didn’t even notice, and with his eyes locked so intensely on mine, how could he?

  For once I had sexual visuals that didn’t disgust every fiber of my being. I was left content, yet wanting. And nothing seemed able to break my smile.

  His lips might have been preoccupied with mine, but his brain still managed to realize our bare chests were brushing together. Out of nowhere, his hand cupped and squeezed by breast. Shocking me, I cried out, “No!” I playfully swatted and squirmed free of his grasp, giggling as he continued to feel me up until I rewrapped my robe.

  Returning to his coffee, he wagged his folded up newspaper at me on the way to the sofa, teasing, “Don’t stand in front of me naked unless you mean it.”

  “It’s not me. It’s this damn silk. It won’t stay tied.”

  He crashed on the sofa, snapping the paper as he opened it up. “Note to self. Buy Megan lots of silk.”

  Around two o’clock, Nick was gathering things into his backpack to leave for work. “You don’t wear regular clothes in that restaurant, do you?”

  “No. I keep my clothes in my office so I don’t have to wear the uniform coming and going. The less I smell like food when I get home, the better.”

  “You have an office?”

  “A small one.”

  Amused, I crossed my arms and teased, “Small like Paul’s?”

  “God, no. I don’t know how he does that. But seeing as how I worked there for free, I can hardly sympathize.”

  The smile fell from my face. “You didn’t get paid?” I exclaimed.

  “He couldn’t afford it and I refused to leave there without a job working alongside you. Hence the free part.”

  “Nick…”

  He cupped my chin, and my hands went for his waist. “It’s fine. I wasn’t going to leave my girl there all lost and alone.”

  You know that moment when you know someone truly loves you? That one was mine, and I hoped the kiss
that followed returned the sentiment.

  I felt all tingly inside, but it faded as the realization sank in that Nick was about to leave me home alone, and that was something I wasn’t looking forward to. “I feel bad.”

  “About what?”

  “That you’re going off to make money and I’m just staying home, sitting on my ass being a total mooch. You just worked several weeks for free. I can’t just stay home.”

  His eyes rolled halfway back, fighting the full rotation. “Let me ask you this. How long did you work at Breenie’s?”

  “About a year and a half,” I replied. One year, six months, twenty-two days to be exact.

  “And how many days did you take off?”

  “I don’t know. I was sick twice, so maybe four days.”

  “Then you’re due a vacation. Strip down, grab the chocolate and plant your ass on the sofa already. And if you feel bad for taking the day off, you can please me to your heart’s content when I get back.”

  I licked my lips, in both an attempt to keep my smile from spreading too quickly and to turn him on for saying that. It worked, but he was better at keeping a straight face than I was.

  “Look,” he continued, “if relaxing drives you up the wall, you can use my laptop, maybe even look up what you’d need to do to get your GED.”

  “GED? Wow. I hadn’t even thought of that.” God, I never finished high school!

  Shit!

  “You’re a smart girl. And you only missed the equivalent of like six months of classes. You’ll catch up and pass it easily. Of course, that’s assuming you want to get one.”

  “Yeah, I want to get it.”

  “Well, okay then. Find out what type of study materials you need and we’ll pick them up this week. That’ll give you something to focus on.”

  I nodded, and solemnly pressed my lips. Noticing my expression, Nick dropped what he was doing to ask, “What’s wrong?”