by Nicki Rae
How do I tell him that I am dealing with it but it still sucks without hurting his feelings?
I reach up on my tip toes and kiss him.
“I am ready for whatever is put in front of us, Logan. We can handle anything.”
That isn’t really a lie; I do believe we can handle anything. I just hope we don’t have to handle too much.
“WOOHOO!”
I hear someone behind us holler. Logan pulls me closer so am not caught up in the mob of people. We are all laughing as we start our walk to the parking lot.
“I’m ok, Logan.”
Chuckling, I try to put a little distance between us as he is about to squeeze the life out of me. He must not see that the crowd is dispersing, as we get closer to the exit doors, though, his arms aren’t loosening.
“I know. I just need you close to me.”
I feel the tears forming. Damn it! I told myself I wasn’t going to cry today.
He kisses me on the forehead and we continue to walk toward the car.
“Are you coming to the house with me?”
“No. But you can drive me to mine. I am meeting Shay at my house and we are going to get ready for the party and then we will come over to your house.”
“I will come over and pick you guys up.”
“Logan, I am capable of driving.”
“I know, babe. But I am only here for a little while longer; let me do it, ok?”
I have to take a few moments to steady my voice before I can answer.
“Ok, Logan.”
I fail miserably. He looks down at me and sees the tears about to spill over.
I tried, I really did.
He pulls his arm from around my shoulders and wipes my tears with his thumbs. I love Logan’s hands. They are so big and strong. I feel like if his hands are with mine, we can accomplish anything.
I take a deep cleansing breathe. No more tears, I tell myself.
I can tell he is deep in thought.
“You know they have a teaching program you can apply for.”
We are not talking about this right now. Today is Logan’s day, I refuse to ruin it.
“Logan, you just graduated. We need to focus on that right now. We have talked about this. You know I would be there in a heartbeat if things were different. I just can’t…” I say as I look down to my hands.
I just can’t leave my family. I don’t know what it would do to my mother if I left.
***
Once we reach the car, I try to hide the sadness from him. He isn’t stupid though, he knows that I am struggling today. In the beginning, I could hide my feelings from him but as we grow closer, it is more difficult. I usually have to just let it out. I can’t hide my feelings from him, as hard as I try.
All of a sudden, Logan pulls off the side of the road and puts the car in park.
“Logan, what are we doing?”
He grabs my hand and pulls it to his lips.
“I know you feel you need to stay back to protect your family. But I know for a fact that if Diane knew why you were turning down this opportunity, she would be upset.”
“Logan, that isn’t fair. You can’t use my mother against me.”
Logan is right. Even though it didn’t start out this way, my mother loves Logan. If I went to her and said that I was moving to Virginia to be with him, she wouldn’t bat an eyelash. She would be sad to see me go, of course. But she would know that I am ok. I just feel this obligation to be close to my mother. She is all my sisters and I have, and we are her life in return. I just cannot leave her.
***
“Em, you can’t wear that to a bon fire.” Shay says exasperated.
I think I am a forever work in progress for Shay, in the wardrobe department. Shayla Newman is practically my sister. Shay, Missy, and I have been inseparable since seventh grade. Well, Shay and I have. Missy has really been straying from our group over the last year.
I look down to my faded and ripped jeans, pink flips flops and V-neck white cotton t-shirt and shrug.
“Why not? I am not trying to impress anyone.”
Dressing up isn’t the problem; the problem is this bonfire is Logan’s going away to college party and that depresses me. I really just want to lie in my bed with Logan instead of being at some big fancy party, celebrating that fact that he is leaving. A fact that I hate.
Shay rolls her eyes at me.
“Emily, you are Logan’s girlfriend. You need to at least make yourself look like you are happy for him, even if you are tore up inside. Can I at least do something with your hair and make-up?”
I know she is right. I need to be proud of Logan and all he has accomplished to get to this point in his life. I don’t want him worrying about me on one of the few nights I have with him.
“I am not changing my clothes. Logan and Tyler will probably be in jeans, too.” I say, already knowing that Shay is going to go drama queen on me.
“Emily Jenkins, you are so maddening! You have this closet full of cute clothes and shoes but all you ever want to wear is jeans and a t-shirt!”
She throws something at me as I begin to smirk. I laugh, there she is.
“You can pull off the dress down look and still look beautiful, though girl.” She says as she rolls her eyes.
“Thanks.” I say half-heartedly.
“I guess you can do something with my hair.” I say.
Her smile grows as wide as her face.
I know she would be aggravating me all damn night if I didn’t give in to something. Plus, I’m sure Logan will like it.
It only takes her about twenty minutes to transform my hair to long and curly. She pulls the top back, away from my face except for the side bang that falls over my forehead. She is a miracle worker. I don’t think I have ever put that much effort into my hair, which is sad considering it wasn’t even that much effort.
I hear someone knock on the door as they slowly open it. Logan pops his head in and his eyes travel down my body and back up to my face. He smiles and I know what he is thinking. He walks over and pulls me to him.
“It doesn’t matter what kind of clothes you are wearing, babe; I’m still getting in them later.” He whispers in my ear.
I feel my face flush and I’m sure he can hear my heart pounding. My body temperature instantly rises and I know if we don’t leave now, we won’t get out of my room.
“If you want to make it to your party Logan, you shouldn’t say things like that to me.”
“Are you two ready to go?” Shay says as she comes back in my room, completely oblivious to what is going on between Logan and me.
Logan rolls his eyes. I know this is his night but Shay will be there and Missy is dating Tyler, so she will also be there. He always asks me how I hooked up with them. In his eyes, Shay is just looking for her next hook up and Missy is just looking for her next fix. Both conclusions are completely false. Shay has been with a few guys and Missy does drugs, on occasion but neither is as bad as Logan makes them out to be. I know that I am completely different than they are but if it weren’t for Shay and Missy encouraging me to actually talk to Logan, we wouldn’t be together now. I often remind him of that, and I think that helps his tolerance of them.
“Let’s go.” He huffs
Shay laughs. “Don’t sound so excited to go to your own party, Logan.”
Logan glares at her.
I think these two live to annoy each other.
We pull up to his parent’s massive house. When the Moore’s bought it from my grandparents, they knocked the house down and started from scratch. I am always amazed at the enormous log cabin that they have. The cabin has four bedrooms and three bathrooms. I have never counted but I would guess the house has at least twenty five windows. The interior of the house is tones of deep apple red, creams and browns. The cherry wood that outlines the walls and stairs matches beautifully with black leather furnishings. One day I hope that Logan and I can build a home as beautiful as this one.
We w
alk in the house and the smell of Dee’s amazing barbeque pulls me to the kitchen.
“Mmmm, smells amazing.”
“Thanks, dear.” Dee says with a wink.
“I think she made all of your favorite food for my graduation party.” Logan jokes.
“That is fine with me. Can I help you with anything, Dee?”
“No, dear, you and Logan just enjoy yourselves tonight.”
Most girls shy away from Dee Moore. She will tell you how she feels, regardless of whether or not it hurts your feelings. Logan and Tyler have told me numerous times that she has never liked any girl that either of them has brought home. I guess being friends with Logan and Tyler first helped because she loves me; she tells me often.
We walk to the back of the house. Shay sees that Missy has already arrived and walks in her direction. Logan and I walk to the cooler to get drinks and we spot Tyler, he is walking out of the house with two drinks in his hands. Tyler, Shay, Missy, and I are all the same age. In fact, Tyler and I have the same birthday; November First, and we are two very proud Scorpios.
Too proud sometimes.
Logan and Tyler could be twins with the exception that Tyler isn’t quite as tall as Logan. And you can tell in the face which one is older. They both have the same close cut dark hair, green eyes, and build. Tyler doesn’t wrestle but he does work construction throughout the summer and some throughout the school year, so they both stay in very good shape.
“I’ll take one of those.” Logan says to Tyler, as he takes one of the drinks from his hand.
I take that as a good time to leave them.
I reach up on my tip toes and kiss Logan on the cheek.
“I am going out with Shay and Missy.”
“Ok, have fun.” He says to me as our hands disconnect and he swats me on the ass.
As I am walking toward the girls, I see that Shay and Missy are in a heated discussion. I cannot hear what Missy is saying because she is whispering but Shay’s whispering is as loud as normal people talk.
“I am tired of you threatening that…” Shay says.
I see Dee glaring at both of them as she is placing platters of food on long tables that have been set up.
Missy must see me walking toward them because she gives Shay a warning glare. Shay turns to see me and puts on a smile.
“You girls better not be causing trouble or your asses will be leaving!” Dee hollers from the table.
I laugh when they both jump at hearing Dee but neither answers her.
“What are you arguing about?” I ask as I take a drink of my water.
“She…” Shay starts to say something but is cut off by Missy.
“Shay wants to date one of my friends but I don’t think he would be a very good influence on her.”
Missy is a terrible liar. I know this has something to do with Logan.
I look directly at Shay.
“Would you care to tell me what is going on?”
“It’s nothing. Really, Em. Just girl drama and we both know how you hate that.”
I laugh and nod my head in agreement. I will ask Shay about it later. Actually, I probably won’t need to ask her. She can’t keep anything to herself. We probably won’t even get out of the party before she tells me.
***
It’s been a great day. All of Logan’s family has been here along with my mom, sisters and Aunt Kathy. The night sky is starting to take over and our friends are starting to show up.
“Where’s the beer?” I hear someone yell.
I hear Poison start playing and know that Logan will be close to me soon. Almost as soon as the thought is in my head, I feel arms snake around my waist. I turn my head to find Logan’s right next to mine. I lay my head back on Logan’s chest and we start moving together to the music. I reach my hands back and lock them around his neck, and move my hips back and forth to the music that is playing.
“Sure you don’t want to change your mind and come with me?”
Apparently, we are still having this conversation.
“Shhh!” I say and put my finger on his lips.
I don’t want to lose our moment by talking about things that will bring us both down. I put my arms back around his neck, close my eyes and move my body into his as we dance some more. Logan’s lips come to my neck and begin to kiss it as we sway back and forth. A thin layer of sweat is starting to cover me from our close dancing and the warm spring air.
“You smell so good when you sweat, baby.”
He always tells me this but I just think it is so disgusting. I turn so we are face to face and wrap my arms back around his neck. I reach up on my tippy toes and kiss him, deeply. Our tongues are intertwining and Logan’s hands are roaming over indecent parts of my body; I’m sure we are causing a scene.
I hear someone from behind us yell, “Get a room!”
The whole place erupts in laughter. I feel Logan smile against my lips and that just fuels me even more. I take my hand from around his neck and move them slowly down over his chest. I can feel his hard chest through his t-shirt. I thank his wrestling routine regularly for keeping him in great shape. My hands appreciate feeling all if his hard body. Continuing my descent, I move my hands to his side and up under his shirt. I turn to look at the person who is whistling and lock eyes with the cat caller. I smile and blow him a kiss.
“No blowing other dudes kisses when you’re seducing me, baby.” Logan says as he moves my face back to his.
I laugh as my hands finally move to my destination, the waistband of his jeans. I start to slide my hands down the top but Logan stops me.
“No, baby. Not here.”
Reluctantly, I pull away from him as the song ends. He looks in my eyes and says, “You are so beautiful, Emily.”
I get the usual tingly feeling all over. We have been dating two years but it never gets old to hear him say those words to me; I’m going to miss them so much when he is gone. I feel my eyes start to get misty. I look up at Logan and I want to tell him that I am ready to go home. But he can’t leave his own party.
We continue to dance and it takes everything in both of us not to slip away to our spot in the woods and just be alone, together.
Chapter 3
Two months later
*Emily*
This has been one of the most amazing summers of my life. Logan and I have gone to every concert in the area. Aside from that, I think we have practically lived at the lake. I can attribute my awesome tan to being lakeside practically every day. However, the dreaded day has arrived a little faster than I would have liked.
I sit on Logan’s bed as he takes his last box to his car. We have been packing and filling his car all morning and I just can’t do anymore. I feel my eyes start to spill over and I can’t hold the tears back any longer. I have been doing so well all week. I think everything is starting to finally sink in.
Logan walks back in his room. He sees me sitting there with tears in my eyes, his own eyes mirroring mine. He sits next to me and laces our fingers together. He looks straight ahead. He knows if he looks at me, he will lose it. We sit in silence for what seems like hours, our unspoken words meaning more than what either of us could actually say.
Logan lightly bumps me with his shoulder. He finally looks at me with an eyebrow cocked.
“You know that I have installed hidden cameras in your room, don’t you?”
I know he is just trying to lighten the mood, so I smile half-heartedly.
“What did you do that for?”
“Because I want to be able to see you at all times. And, if you decide that I am no longer worth your time, I want to see who is replacing me.”
If I didn’t know better, I would think he was serious. He isn’t even smiling.
“Well that’s not fair, if I can’t see you.”
“No need for you to see me. I will never decide that you are not worth my time. Let’s take a walk,” he says as he stands up.
He turns to me, takes my hands, and pulls me
to my feet. He wraps his arms around me. We stand here for a minute, just happy to be close to each other. I take a deep breath to fill my lungs with his scent, so manly and fresh. I move my hands across his chest to remember how he feels, very rugged and hard. I reach up and lock our lips together to remember how he tastes, so sweet and savory.
I am overwhelmed with emotion as I stand here in this man’s arms; the man that I have loved for the last two years of my life, the man that is leaving me in just a short time.
“Logan, I am going to miss you so much.” I say as I look up into his beautiful but sad eyes.
He puts my head back on his chest and kisses the top of it.
“I know baby, I will miss you too.”
We stand there a few more minutes both silently crying and both silently praying that this isn’t our last embrace.
We make our way out of the house and start our journey to the woods. We have two hours left before he leaves. He has asked me repeated times to make the trip with his parents but I just can’t. This is hard enough for me. I can’t imagine what I will feel if I actually have to say goodbye and walk away. This way, in my own crazy mind, I feel somewhat in control. It may not make sense to everyone but I feel like it is what is best.
We walk leisurely, hand in hand, to the clearing. Once we make it, I see he has our blanket laid out already. He leads me over to the blanket that has a lone lily lying in the middle. I feel a tear fall.
My favorite flower is a lily. Logan generally brings a fresh bouquet of them once a week to my house; we all appreciate the gesture, even though we have told him a thousand times that he doesn’t have to do it.
“If you ever feel that you need to be near me, just come here, Emily. We are one here.”
My tear filled eyes move to his.
“I am going to have to move to this place then Logan.” I say between sobs.
“Ah! You will be fine. You have Shay and Missy to keep you company.”
But as the words fall out of his mouth, I can see that he really doesn’t care for that idea.
“And, of course, you will have your cameras to keep an eye on me.”
He winks.
“No cameras out here Logan?”