by Nicki Rae
He smirks and shrugs, “Maybe.”
He kisses me and he walks me backward to the blanket. Once we reach it, Logan gently lays me down. I am lying on my back and he is on his side, propping himself up with one arm under his head.
“This is how I want to remember you, Em.”
He takes out his phone and snaps a picture of me.
Again, he has to wipe a stray tear from the corner of my eye.
He lies down next to me and snaps a picture of both of us.
I take the phone from his hand and pull his face to mine. Our lips collide. I am selfish with this kiss; I don’t know when I will get another. So, I take more and when I can’t breathe without Logan, I take some more. Logan pulls away.
“Baby, I want to go slow. Make it last.”
The dam breaks. I put all the emotion that I am feeling into our kiss. Logan’s hands find my hair as he descends to my neck. Logan kisses from my neck down to my stomach, leaving a line of fire in his wake. He makes his way to my hip and my breath catches. He moves his hands to my thighs and they start moving up toward my waiting center. He looks up at me with lust filled eyes as he unbuttons my shorts. He gently pulls them down and kisses right above my panty line. He smiles up to me and I see his eyes start to fill.
I close my eyes and silently pray that this man stays mine forever. My heart is overflowing with love for him. I don’t know that I could handle it, if he is ever taken from me.
“Open your eyes, baby.” He says.
His mouth is still laying kisses and his hands are making short work of my panties. His body climbs back up mine. He stops for a minute to look into my eyes.
“I love you so much, Emily.”
I can’t speak. I feel like I can’t breathe without this man. I pull his lips back to mine as Logan fills me. He is slow and gentle, causing me sensations that I have never felt, both physically and mentally. He nips and sucks at my earlobes and my neck. His hands are wondering over my most sensitive parts.
Logan is making me feel utterly loved. I know he is just showing me that we fit perfectly together and that I have nothing to worry about. But he is also showing me that I need him here, with me.
I feel my body readying to give but I am just not ready for the moment to be over. I need to feel Logan just a little longer. I slow him. He opens his eyes, and my intentions are understood. I am flipped and now in charge. Usually this makes me nervous but today I feel confident. I want to show Logan what he will be missing although I’m sure he knows already. I commit his face with those piercing green eyes, his hard body and the rhythm of his heart to memory as I don’t know when or if I will get the opportunity again.
I am playing with Logan’s hair while he lies on top of me and we both catch our breath. I want this to last forever; I am not ready for him to leave yet.
He finally looks up at me and I can almost feel his sadness radiating. I throw my arms over my face; I can’t look at him. I can’t look at him and know that it is probably the last time.
“Baby, this isn’t the last time we will be with each other.”
I still can’t talk; I will lose it if I do.
“Emily, look at me.” Logan says, uncovering my face.
My arms wrap around his neck for a few seconds and then I move him off me. I find my clothes and put them back on.
I finally face Logan.
“I won’t tell you goodbye.”
I walk over and give Logan a kiss that is fully saturated with emotion. Our tears mix as I begin to pull away from him. He pulls me back and our foreheads are touching.
“I love you, so much.” I look at him a few seconds more and I leave him standing there. He doesn’t even try to follow after me.
***
I have tears streaming down my face the entire ten minute drive back to my house. I pull in the driveway, which is at the end of the cul-de-sac, to see that my mother is not home but Rebecca is. I walk up the three steps to the front porch of our two-story home. My house is nowhere near as impressive as the Moore’s but considering my mother has worked her ass of for this place, I love it more.
Bec is sitting on the couch, in the quiet of the house, as though she has been waiting for me. I see the pity on her face.
That’s it. I can’t hold it in anymore. I practically run the short distance to her and wrap my arms around her. I lay my head on her shoulder and cry. This is no dainty cry; it is a fat tear, blotchy red cheek, and sobbing cry. My sister comforts me. She doesn’t try to stop me and she doesn’t say anything, she just lets me cry.
Rebecca is thirteen months younger than I am and although we really are nothing alike, we are very close. When she can tell my tears are starting to lessen, she pulls back from me.
“Let’s go in the kitchen.”
I wipe my tears on my sleeve and nod as I follow my sister. We walk through the dining/sewing room. Mom has fabric everywhere in here. This is the only room in the house that is allowed to be cluttered. As always, I hear my mother’s voice in the back of my head telling me to take my shoes off.
Almost in rhythm with my own thoughts, Bec says, “Don’t forget to take your shoes off, Em.”
We sit at our large oak kitchen table while Bec gets us a drink. She sits opposite me and folds her hands on top of the table. I guess she is waiting on me to talk.
“Thank you for allowing me to cry on your shoulder.”
I smile, as I know how cliché that just sounded.
“See? All hope isn’t lost. You just smiled all on your own.”
“I know that wasn’t our final goodbye but it sure didn’t keep my heart from breaking.”
“Of course you felt that way. You love Logan. But you will see him again.”
“I know, Bec. I just have this gut feeling that the distance between us isn’t going to be good. You have seen Logan, what girl wouldn’t want him?”
“Em, Logan loves you. It doesn’t matter who wants him; he won’t give them the time of day.”
I know she is right. I don’t know why I am even putting thought into Logan being with someone else. If he didn’t want to be with me, he would have broken it off when he made the decision to go to Virginia.
“Let’s crank the music and clean this house.”
I have to give it to Bec, she knows me, too well. You want a good stress reliever, turn up nineties rap music and clean something.
Chapter 4
Two months later
*Emily*
“I cannot thank you enough.”
I give Dee and Charles both a hug and huge smile.
“You and Logan have a great weekend!” Dee says to me as they get in the car and leave.
I stand there in the parking lot waving them on. I all but jumped up and down clapping when Dee called to tell me that I could take one of their weekend visit days. I haven’t been able to concentrate all week; I was so excited.
It hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be since Logan left, we text constantly and we Skype as much as we can. I have been very busy with school myself, so I don’t have a lot of time to sit and feel sorry for myself. But I am definitely ready for this visit. Two months is far too long to go without seeing your boyfriend.
I turn to look at the massive school. I don’t know what to do next. Dee told me that he would be playing basketball in the gym, so I guess I will start there. I lock my car and start walking toward the giant building. I stop once I’m on the sidewalk outside the building.
I see a couple of girls sitting on the grass.
“Is that the gym?” I ask as I point toward the building behind them.
One of the girls looks up at me, wearily, with a hand shielding her eyes from the sun.
“Yes.”
I feel the need to explain, considering she probably has never seen me around before.
“I am here to surprise my boyfriend; he is supposed to be in the gym.”
I guess the explanation wasn’t necessary because she just raises her eyebrows and nods her
head, as though she could give a shit less, and looks back down at her book.
I find the only door that isn’t locked and walk in the building. There have to be at least two hundred other people in here; it will take me forever to find Logan. I weave my way through the mass of students for what seems like fifteen minutes until I finally reach the gym. I stop and scan the room. I don’t see Logan. I look around one more time, making sure I didn’t miss him. I still see him nowhere. I sigh, and decide that he has probably gone back to his room. I start to turn to walk out and out of the corner of my eye, I see someone that looks like Logan sitting on the bleachers. The blonde that is straddling his lap skews my view, though. Her back is to me, so she is facing him. I watch them for a minute. They are flirting. She is rubbing his arm up and down. Both of their faces are lit up with smiles. He pulls her to him and kisses her on the lips.
I tell myself that isn’t Logan and start to walk out. But as I start to turn and leave, I hear another guy call Logan’s name. I watch as the guy that I thought wasn’t Logan leans up, so he can hear guy number two better. There is no mistaking those emerald green eyes.
No! No! No! This can’t be happening.
Within seconds, my eyes are flooded with tears, my stomach flies up to my throat, and my heart shatters on the floor. I take a moment to catch my breath. I have to get out of here. I have to have some air.
I make my way back through the crowd. My vision is blurry, so I am somewhat stumbling around. People are staring at me as if I were crazy. I just want to scream at them that I just caught my boyfriend cheating, so yeah I am kind of fucking crazy! I finally make it back outside. I look over and the two girls I talked to earlier were still sitting there. They look up and I see the alarm on their face but they say nothing. I don’t care; really, I can’t talk right now anyway. I stop and take a deep breath. I stand there to steady my nerves a minute. I continue the journey back to my car practically running. I need to get away from this place but it seems I can’t fast enough.
On my way back to the airport all I can think is how long the flight is going to be, since it will be just my thoughts and me.
***
My phone buzzes. I ignore it, I just can’t talk to him right now. We continue this pattern for at least ten calls before, thankfully, it is time to board the plane and I am forced to shut the damn phone off.
I sit on the plane and contemplate how to handle the situation. I knew this was going to happen. Even though Logan tried his damnedest to prove to me that I am his one and only, I still had this gut feeling that it was out of our hands. If my mother has taught me anything, it has to be that you always follow your gut.
“Here you go, doll.”
The elderly lady sitting next to me hands me some tissues. I hadn’t even realized I started crying again. My emotions are so raw that I can’t really concentrate on anything.
“Thank you.” I say as I take the tissue.
“You want to talk about it?”
I am momentarily taken back by her forwardness. I would never ask someone I have never met, if they wanted to share their feelings. She seems nice enough, though. I’m sure she means well.
“It’s ok, sweetie, I just thought you may need someone to talk with.”
“I’m sorry, I just can’t talk about it right now. Thank you for the concern and the tissue.”
I lay my throbbing head back on the rest to try to relax. I try to remember a time we have talked since he left that may give me a clue as to what was going on, but Logan never acted different. He always called when he said he would. He always acted as though he didn’t want to disconnect our Skype. I have to be missing something.
My head is starting to pound harder. I really need to just rest. This plane ride is probably the only time I will have to myself, without anyone questioning me and asking me if I’m ok. I close my eyes and try to relax.
“Emily Jenkins, please come to the office after class.”
I hear the announcement over the loud speaker as my heart begins to race. Shay looks back to me with a concerned look on her face. She is usually the one being called to the office. Mr. Shelton sees the look on my face.
“Emily, do you want to go to the office now?”
“Yes, please.”
He nods and points his hand in the direction of the door.
I anxiously get up, hearing ‘ohhhhs’ throughout the class as I walk to the door. I close the door behind me and take a deep breath. I have never been called to the office before, I have no idea what is going on.
When I walk in the office, the secretary grins and clasps her hand over her mouth.
“Emily, you are a lucky gal.”
She walks to the back room and when she comes back, she has the most beautiful arrangement of lilies I have ever seen.
I gasp in shock. She sets the flowers down and I pick the card.
Today marks two years of loving you and I hope to add many more to that!
Happy anniversary! I’m sorry I can’t be there with you in person but I am there in spirit.
Love,
Logan
I look up and see that she is watching with baited breath for my reaction. I knew that Logan would remember but I didn’t expect this.
“Are they from Logan?”
I nod.
Everyone knows how close he and I were before he left. They half expect me to break down at any minute. As much as I am trying not to break down, this isn’t helping. I appreciate the flowers but I really just want to feel his arms wrapped around me.
“Thank you.” I say.
I leave the office and go straight to my locker, grab my purse and leave school. There is only one place that I need to be at this moment.
“Miss, we have landed. You’ll have to wake up now.”
I open my eyes to see the attendant leaning down to be at eye level with me.
“Are you ok?”
“Yes. I just fell asleep.”
She stands but before she walks away, she puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes.
I wheel my luggage out of the plane. I turn on my phone as I wait for someone to pick me up. I have two missed calls but only one voicemail from him. I can’t hear his voice right now but I don’t want to just delete his message so I close the voicemail screen. My text box has sixteen messages. I start to pull one up to read but my mother has just arrived, so I turn my phone off, again.
***
I can’t say his name; I can’t hear someone else say his name, I have been a hermit, in my own world for weeks.
He has no idea I was there that day, I haven’t talked to him to tell him. I have ripped every one of the pictures that I have in my room. The framed picture that was on my nightstand, taken the day he left, I couldn’t stand to break, so it is in a drawer. I pull it out right before I go to sleep. Well, right before I lay down in my bed, I haven’t slept since that day. Every time I close my eyes, I see them together.
I see her throwing her head back and laughing at something silly that Logan said. I see him kissing her. Fuck! I see him kissing her!
I go on a rampage, tearing up everything in his room. I am screaming to no one, he isn’t there. I just keep thinking to myself that he throws away two amazing years for some whore that he couldn’t have known for longer than two weeks.
I hate him!
“Emily. Emily, wake up.”
I open my eyes to see my mother standing beside my bed.
“Emily, sweetie, are you ok?”
I see the worried look on her face. I haven’t told her what happened. I just told her that it wasn’t the same between us.
“Yes, I must have just had a nightmare. I will be fine, go back to sleep.”
I have become a good liar. I don’t want my family to know what I am going through; they shouldn’t have to deal with my heart break.
“I am just going to get a glass of water. I promise I will be ok.”
She still has a skeptical look on her face. She hesitates a minute
more but kisses me on the forehead.
Before she leaves my room she says, “I’m going back to bed but if you need anything, you can wake me, Emily.”
I nod my understanding and she leaves.
I stretch my arms, get up, and walk down to the kitchen to get some water. I open the fridge to grab a bottle and staring back at me is a bottle of wine my mom hasn’t finish. I stand there a few seconds, contemplating. I look around, guiltily, like someone is standing behind me and will smack my hand if I do something I am not supposed to.
Without another thought, I grab the bottle of wine and pour some in a cup and run back up to my room. I drink the cold liquid and it tastes wonderful. I feel myself start to warm and my body starts feeling tingly. I feel myself relax, almost as if a calm has come over me. I down the rest of my cup and lie back on my pillow. I lie there feeling sorry for myself for a few until my mind starts to fade and I fall into a nightmare free sleep.
Chapter 5
*Emily*
Its Spring break and we are at Missy’s house partying. This has become a way of life for me the last few months. I sleep so much better when I just go in my room and pass out. I haven’t heard from Logan. The calls stopped about a week in. I guess he got the fucking hint. I thought he might come back to Indiana to see why his beautiful Emily hasn’t returned his calls. He must have figured out why. Or, his parents told him. Regardless of his reasoning, we are through and I am mending my broken heart the only way I know how, by numbing it.
“Shots,” I yell to no one in particular.
I walk through the crowd of my friends, to the table we have set up with booze. I walk up behind Shay and put my arm around her. I start singing at the top of my lungs, something about it being the weekend and pouring the Jameson.
“Amen!” I yell as I point my cup to the sky.
I look down at the table and back up to Shay.
“Where are our shots?”
“I think you have had enough.”
“I can never have enough shots, Shay. Why are you being such a bitch?”
I see her wave someone over from behind but I don’t care. I just walk away from her and start dancing with some random guy. As his arms circle my waist and make their way up my sides, Shay comes over and pulls me away.