by Nicki Rae
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Emily?”
“I am trying to dance with . . .” I look over at him and ask, “What is your name?”
He starts to reply but Shay stops him.
“It doesn’t matter what his name is.”
I move out of her grasp and towards my new friend again and start dancing. This time my sister, Rebecca, puts her arms around my waist and tells me we are going home.
I am pissed.
“I am not ready to go home!” I yell at her.
I try to run away but in my very drunken state, I just end up falling on my ass. I am laughing hysterically when Rebecca and Shay pull me to my feet.
“Too bad.” Rebecca says to me.
She gets me home and practically has to carry me in the house. Once we are through the door, I escape her and make a bee line for the kitchen. I am going through cabinets and searching frantically through the fridge.
“What are you looking for?”
“Mom has to have some more liquor here somewhere.”
“Emily, really? You have had far more to drink that you should.”
I feel my stomach rolling; I need to get to the sink.
I don’t make it. I feel myself heaving all over the floor. Then, I remember nothing.
I wake up the next morning with an insufferable hangover. I sit up in my bed, and the sun shines right in my face and instantly I regret trying to move. I just lie back on my pillow and put my hand on my head. What the fuck is wrong with me? Did I really get that trashed again last night? I look over at my nightstand clock and it reads 2:00 p.m., lovely!
I have no idea what time I got home last night; or, how I got home last night, for that matter. I decide that I need to get up, hangover or not. Taking in a deep breath, I sit up and this time I don’t look up so the sun isn’t shining in my face. I sit there a minute, waiting on my head to quit spinning, before moving my legs over the side of my bed and pushing myself up. I walk out of my room and straight to the bathroom. I need a hot shower before I go down and face my mom.
As the water is falling down over me, I hear the bathroom door open. I open the shower curtain to find Bec; I close it quickly, ashamed.
Rebecca is brutally honest with people and doesn’t care if it hurts their feelings or not. Even though I have been acting that way the last few months, it really isn’t me; it is the alcohol. The only attributes that Bec and I share is our blonde hair. Nothing else about us is the same.
“You doing ok?”
The one thing I love most about Bec is she doesn’t judge me. She should be pissed at me right now but she isn’t. I don’t even hear a hint of anger in her voice.
“Not especially, no. But I’ll make it.” I say a little harsher than I mean to.
“How did I get home last night?”
“Shay called me to come and get you.”
Jesus, it must have been bad if Shay wanted me to leave.
“Does Mom know?”
“No,” she says simply.
My mother works at night, which has saved my ass, many times.
“How bad was I?” I ask.
“I cleaned up your puke.”
“I’m sorry, Bec.”
“Em, you have to stop this. You are going to get yourself hurt, or worse, you’re going to get yourself in trouble.”
“I know,” I say, shamefully.
I am silent for a few seconds so Rebecca must note that as the end of the conversation.
She gets up to leave but before she does, she says, “Emily, we are all very worried about you. I wish you would talk to us about how you are feeling instead of trying to find your answers in the bottom of a bottle.”
I hear the door shut. I sit down and let the spray of the water run over me, tears pouring out of my eyes. As I am sitting there contemplating my life, the memory of when Logan and I started dating bombards me.
It was the start of sophomore year and as I am closing my locker door, Logan Moore is standing right there, staring at me.
“Hi, Logan.” I smile, pulling my fingers through my hair.
Logan makes me a little nervous.
“Hi, Em.” He says as he stands next to my locker.
“What do you want Logan? You are not the small talk type.” I laugh.
“I just wanted to tell you that you look beautiful today, that’s all.”
I feel myself blush, “Um, thanks.”
“Can I not complement you, Emily?”
“You can but you never have, so why are you now?”
“You and Shay have just been hanging out with my brother and his friends all summer and I just don’t think I have ever noticed how beautiful you are.”
I feel as though my knees are going to give out and I will be a puddle in the floor.
“Thank you. I would tell you that you are not so bad yourself but I’m pretty sure you know that already.”
He gets a sexy smirk on his face and looks a way for a second. When he looks back at me, I see something in his eyes that I can’t explain and for whatever reason it is making my heart speed up.
“Yeah, I do. But it’s always nice to hear someone else say it.”
He winks at me and walks to class.
I stand there a minute and fight the urge to fan myself or jump up and punch the air. But instead of making myself look the fool, I only stand there trying to decipher what just happened. I’m sure my face is beet red. I can’t believe Logan Moore just talked to me. Hell, he didn’t JUST talk to me; he told me I was beautiful.
“Emily Jenkins, did I just see Logan Moore at your locker?”
Shay is walking toward me with a smartass smirk on her face.
“That depends, what do you think you saw?”
“What did Logan want, Em?”
“Does it really matter?” I ask as I look to my feet and shrug.
“Yes!” she all but screams and has a look of disbelief.
“No it doesn’t, Shay. Logan talks to everyone, I am no one special.”
“We’ll see about that. I am spending the night at your house tonight and we are going to make you look hot tomorrow.”
“Don’t paint her up too much, I like her just the way she is.” Logan says as he comes walking from wherever he was.
I am pulled from my thoughts by the freezing cold water spraying on me. I need to get my shit together. I can’t fall apart every time a stray thought of Logan runs through my head.
I think about my mother. I know she doesn’t know but she has so many other things to worry about. She doesn’t need me to give her more. I’m sure she has a lot of things she should be sad or angry about. But she has children to raise. So, instead of bringing everyone else down with her, she stays strong and continues on. That is what I need to do. I need to deal with my heartache on my own; no one needs to be brought down with me.
I am going to be graduating in a short time and will be living on my own. I need to be confident in myself and strong, that is the only way I am going to survive.
Chapter 6
*Emily*
My smile is splitting my face in two. Even though the heat in this gym is killing me, I am so happy right now. I look over at Shayla and she looks as miserable as I feel in this damn heat. As we descend the stairs and gather in the hallway, Shayla wraps one of her arms around my neck.
“We did it, bitch! We graduated; I thought we’d never see the day!”
I roll my eyes. Today is a little bittersweet. Shay and I started our friendship here. Now, we are starting the next phase of our life; I’m glad she is still a part of it. Of course, there are a few people missing. Missy has her own school to graduate from. And, then, there is Logan. I haven’t talked with him in so long. I’m sure that will change. Tyler also graduated today; surely, Logan wouldn’t miss it
“Well we weren’t sure you were going to make it; however, there was no questioning my brilliance” I wrap that up with a wink and she knows that I am just teasing her.
“Do
n’t be such a bitch, Emily.” Shay reciprocates.
“Are you ready for this bon fire tonight?”
I just sigh. Shayla knows that I am leaving for college in just a couple of days and I wanted to spend some time with my sisters and mom. Shayla also knows about the last time I went to a party. I have not drank since.
“Em, I am not going let you back out on me tonight; we just graduated! I know why you don’t want to go and I promise I won’t try and pull you away anymore, before you leave.”
I love Shay, but she doesn’t know when to take no for an answer, we have been having this conversation for a week. The last time I went to a graduation party was for Logan. I’m not sure how I am going to handle this.
“Look, Shay, I will go but promise me that you will not let me get out of control.”
“Of course I promise.” She takes her fingers and crosses her heart, and bats her lashes at me.
I just look at her and shake my head. “I’m not staying out all night; I have a lot of things to get ready to leave.”
She starts clapping her hands together like a loon, obviously very excited that I have given in to her once again.
“I promise, Em, we are going to have a hell of a night!”
“Em!” my youngest sister, Celeste, calls and I look in the direction of my family.
I walk over to them, glad it is time to go. We start to walk out of the building, Celeste and I still arm in arm. She is five years younger than I am, so I have always been very protective of her.
Celeste comes running in the house, crying her eyes out. “I hate him!” she says through sobs. I look out the window to see who she is talking about but I don’t see anyone in the yard.
“Who do you hate, Cel?” I ask her.
“Sam, he always wants to come over and play on our swing set and then he always throws sand in my face.”
I have to contain my laughter for my five year old drama queen of a sister. “Well, I will tell Mom not to let him come over anymore.”
Ever since that day, I have always made sure the Sam’s of the world have stayed away from her.
“I’m going to miss you so much, Em.” Celeste says to me, as we are trying to walk through the crowds of people.
“Me too, Cel.”
“Emily!” I hear someone calling my name from behind me. As I look around, I see Dee Moore waving her hands at me.
“Tell mom, I will be right back.” I say to Celeste.
I start to turn to walk over to Dee when Celeste grabs at my arm.
“Emily, you don’t have to talk to them, you know.”
I really am glad for her concern.
“I know, but I don’t want to be rude. I will be fine.” I say and try to give her one of my most convincing smiles.
“Alright.” She says but I can tell she doesn’t believe me.
I walk over to the Moore’s.
“Congratulations, sweetheart.” Charles says to me.
No matter how upset I am with his son, it always warms my heart to talk with Mr. Moore.
Dee gives me a hug and says, “We are very proud of you, Emily.”
I hug her and fight back tears. I know none of this is their fault but I can barely handle being around them.
“Thank you both, very much. It means a lot to hear that from you.”
Tyler lightly punches me on the shoulder, “We did it, Em! Will I see you later?”
I just roll my eyes. I feel like I am having déjà vu.
“You know Shay isn’t going to let me miss it.” I say and I see a wide grin spread across his face.
“Good.” He says and walks off to a group of our friends.
Tyler hasn’t said much about Logan for a while. At first, he would always ask me if I was talking to him; or, if I was going to start dating again. I know he was asking for Logan, so I was always careful about what I would tell him.
I look around but I don’t see Logan; I can’t believe he isn’t here. He must have his head shoved pretty far up his ass if he is missing his little brother’s High School graduation. Oh well, I didn’t want to see him anyway.
We finally make it to the car, after being stopped by friends and their parents, an hour later.
“I am so proud of you Emily,” my mother beams at me, being the first of her three daughters to graduate.
My mom is one that tries to hide how emotional she really is, I guess having to be both Mom and Dad, will do that to you.
My younger sisters are talking in the backseat about how they are ready to graduate, and about some of the graduation parties they will be attending. I am deep in thought as my mom puts her hand on my shoulder.
“You ok, sweetie?”
“Yeah, I am fine,” I say, not really wanting her to worry about me.
“I am going out with Shay tonight to some graduation bonfire, which is supposed to be amazing.” I air quote the amazing and my mom laughs.
“I would say that you can’t go but I think Shay may need some looking after.”
I just absently nod because she has no idea that it has been me that needs the looking after.
“You know her just as well as I do.”
“I just don’t want her lying on my couch for a week, again, after another failed relationship.”
She air quotes relationship and it is my turn to laugh.
Chapter 7
*Emily*
It’s six o’clock and Shay is pounding on my bedroom door. I am a simple girl; light make-up, maybe a little wave to my blonde hair and I’m good to go.
Shay, in her true dramatic fashion, has on a maroon tank top with sequins and matching cowboy boots with a jean skirt. She has her hair all curled and piled on top of her head and amazing make-up. I wish I could pull off make up like Shay, but I just can’t, so I just don’t try.
She scrunches her nose at me, “Is that what you are wearing?”
Well, I thought I actually picked a good outfit this time. I look down at my skinny jeans that are covered by my tall black boots and my pale green tank, and shrug.
“Yeah?”
Shay looks at the ceiling, obviously exasperated.
“Em, you have to wear a dress; you promised.”
“When the hell did I promise that?”
I rarely do skirts or dresses. I think the last time I wore a dress was when I was twelve. My mom made me wear a dress to an Easter Sunday church service. I was completely out of proportion at that time and all the other little girls laughed at me in Sunday school. I swore I would never wear a dress again.
“Yesterday, I was telling you about my new skirt and told you that you had to wear one and you agreed.”
“I wasn’t even listening to you yesterday, you could have said I was flying to the moon and I would have agreed.”
She walks over and starts looking through my closet. Good luck to her though because I don’t think I have any dresses in there.
“Emily, what did you do with all of your clothes?” She pops her head out in anticipation of my answer.
“What can I say? It’s been a shitty year; clothes haven’t really been a priority.”
“Well, sweets. You’re in luck; I brought one of mine for you to wear.”
Oh good, this should be interesting.
She heads out to the hall and comes back in with a bag. She pulls out the black dress and it is actually not bad. It is a black tube top dress. I’m not going to wear it, but it is a very cute dress.
“Thanks, but no thanks.”
“I’m going down stairs to wait while you put this on.”
“Shay I’m not wearing the dress.” I say, almost whining.
She comes back in from the hall with a pair of very cute black and purple cowboy boots to go with the dress.
“We have to be out of here in twenty minutes,” she says as she leaves my bedroom.
I put the dress on and it comes to just above my knees. It is a light cotton stretch material at the top and kind of flows at the bottom. This summer has alr
eady been so hot, that the dress will keep me cool; probably a lot cooler than the pants that I was originally wearing. Ugh! I hate when Shay is right. I walk over to my bed, sit down, and put on the boots. Then, I walk over to my full size mirror and look at myself. I look hot. I laugh at myself; that is such a Shay thing to say.
I walk downstairs and I am certain that my mom’s mouth falls open.
“Emily, I haven’t seen you in a dress in such a long time; you look beautiful.”
I look down at my boots; I haven’t heard those words in such a long time.
I smile at her, “Thanks, mom! Where is Shayla? She was just beating my door down ready to go?”
“Here I am.” She says while walking to the living room from the kitchen. Once she sees me, she gasps and her hands go over her mouth, I think I hear an “I told you so” coming.
“I told you, you would look hot in a dress, Em!” I just shake my head and roll my eyes at her.
As we are heading to my car, I realize that I don’t know where we are going.
“Where exactly is this amazing bonfire anyway?” I say as I am pulling out of the driveway and getting on the main road.
“It’s at Tyler Moore’s house.”
I immediately pull over the car and look at Shay, pissed.
“Why didn’t you tell me it was at the Moore’s place?”
“I told you yesterday when you weren’t listening to me.”
She doesn’t even look over at me as she is checking her makeup in the mirror. I put my head on the steering wheel.
“Em, what are you worried about? He isn’t even going to be there.”
“I know but it is so hard to face his family.”
“Why? They know Logan just like you and me; they know how he is.”
“But he is their son, so that doesn’t matter.”
“Look, he isn’t going to be there, so let’s get going. I haven’t been out since...” She trails off and I know what she is thinking.
“I’m sorry, Shay. I know that I have been a shitty friend, lately.” I sigh, heavily.
Shay is right, Logan is off at school, I am just going to go hang out with my friends and have a good time.
We pull up at the Moore place and I am instantly thinking of Logan. I haven’t been here since he left for college. I half expect him to come running out to my car, just like he always used to and I am briefly disappointed when he doesn’t. I guess I had better get over that because it will never happen again.