by Nicki Rae
Chapter 11
*Emily*
I’m not sure if more tears or more water is running down my face. I can’t believe the nerve of Logan. I knew when he went off to college that it was going to be hard. I was ready for long phone calls, Skyping and weekend visits. I never dreamed what I would find, when I went to visit him. It was like him and me against the world when we were together. Of course, he didn’t know I would be there, and I didn’t stick around to get his side of the story but him and his blonde friend looked a little too cozy for my liking. I am not generally the type that gets her feelings hurt easily and just goes and cries in a corner. But when I see the love of my life trying to be the love of someone else’s life, even to just get her in bed, it sucks. I had made up this story in my head that they were dating, happy and laughing about his poor little high school girlfriend, back home. I don’t know who I was kidding though; I’m sure Logan didn’t even tell her he had a girlfriend. I was doing ok with it though. I had my time of mourning and I partied too much to get over it. And crying. I cried too fucking much. When I didn’t want to cry, I cried. But I was doing so well and moving on.
I move out of town, get a job, and am getting ready to start school. And what does he do, he waltzes back into my life and just expects me to run back to his “loving” arms and pick up right where we left off.
I bet his girl left him and that is why he is here, pleading for me to take him back. I am pulled from making up the story of Logan’s love life with a knock on the bathroom door.
“Em, you ok?” Shay says as she comes into the bathroom.
“Actually, I don’t want to be ok. I want to cry and scream and hit something. But that wouldn’t do any good, so instead; we are going to get drunk tonight.”
I hear nothing from Shay, so I look out of the shower.
“Did you hear me?” I ask her.
“Yes, I heard you. But I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Em. I mean you should be mad, and cry, and break things, instead of drink. You have worked so hard to get yourself away from that life going back is not what you need.”
Am I talking my best friend right now?
“Really, Shayla? Coming from the girl who drank her mother’s entire stash of wine when she was fifteen because, Aaron Banks, the love of her life, dumped her.”
“That’s the thing though, Em, we aren’t fifteen anymore and what you and Logan had was something really special”
Tears instantly started falling again.
“Yes, it was,” I blubber.
“That is what you need to do, cry. That will make you feel better. Then we can get on with our week and you will be one step closer to taking Logan back.”
My hand practically rips the shower curtain down; I pull it with so much force.
“What do you mean one step closer to taking Logan back?”
“You know it’s just a matter of time before you forgive him and take him back.”
I am speechless. Shay, my best friend since seventh grade, the one person who knows me better than anyone, clearly doesn’t know me at all.
“Get out of the bathroom,” I point to the door, my arm dripping water all over the floor.
“Oh are you getting out? Ok.”
She clearly has no idea that she just pissed me off.
As I get out of the shower, I am bombarded with more tears. I am so fucking over tears. I probably just need more sleep, that’s why I keep crying. As I am walking out of the bathroom with my hair wrapped in a towel, I look right at Shay.
“I’m going to sleep. I just had an extremely exhausting encounter with Logan and now a complete three sixty from you, I just don’t think I can handle any more of this day.”
I go in my bedroom, close my door, and hope that Shay doesn’t try to come in. I don’t even take my hair out of the towel before I am out.
“Emily, wake up.” My eyes open and I wish I were back in my dream, such simpler times they were.
“Shay I can’t talk to you right now.”
“What? Why?”
“I just can’t,” I head for the door. I need to get out of here.
“Where are you going?”
“I need to go talk to Logan.”
Shay stops dead with a smirk on her face.
“See, I knew that you would make up with him and everything would be back to normal.”
I turn to her.
“I am not making up with him. And I am pissed at you for thinking that I would just run back to him like a love sick puppy.”
“Do you not love him anymore?”
“Of course I still love him, how could I not? He was my first everything. But you know what he did and I can’t forgive him for it.”
I just need to go settle this with Logan that way I can really move on this time.
I storm down the stairs, Shay following, towards the lot. I’m about the get in my car when I hear someone yelling my name.
“Em!”
I turn to see Justin jogging toward me.
Jesus, this is exactly what I need. He has asked me to go to dinner with him more than once. And, more than once, I have turned him down. I was supposed to work today. But because Shay was arriving today, I switched with someone.
“Hey Justin, it’s not really a good time.”
“Yeah Justin, it’s not a good time.” Logan says from somewhere behind him.
“Where the hell did he come from?” Shay whispers to me.
I just close my eyes, what kind of mess have I gotten myself in? I see Justin and Logan exchange glances like they know each other. Logan asks him why he is here and how he knows me. Justin just shrugs, not speaking a word to him. I can see that clearly is not what he wanted from Justin and I can see that he is getting more agitated by the moment, so I try to divert his attention.
“Logan, I thought you left?”
“Babe, you can’t get rid of me that easy.”
Is he seriously still calling me babe? Well I guess that makes it a lot easier on me; I don’t have to drive two hours while my mid races and I lose what I want to say to him.
“Shay do you mind hanging out with Justin for a while so I can talk to Logan?”
She gets a bewildered look on her face and I think she is going to say no. She looks over at Justin and they are silently communicating. I don’t know what is going on, Shay doesn’t even know Justin.
Shay finally says, “I don’t even know him, why would you ask me to go with him?”
Really? It really just looked to me like they know each other.
“Shay, I wouldn’t just send you with anyone. I work with him, he is a good guy.”
Logan rolls his eyes at my comment.
“Yeah right.”
I look back over my shoulder at him and he puts his hands up, like he is backing down. Shay just looks at me.
“Please, Shay?”
After a few more minutes, Shay finally says, “Ok, but you owe me.”
I hug her and turn to Logan. “Let’s go.”
“Where are we going, babe?” I suddenly stop and turn to face him; he almost runs into me.
“Ok, you have got to stop calling me that. Just because I am talking to you doesn’t me that we are ok.”
“I get it, Emily.”
Well that was easy. “Good.”
We are walking back in my apartment when Logan asks, “Em, what happened to us?”
I laugh nervously, here goes.
“Logan, did you sleep with anyone while you were away at college?”
He looks away, guiltily. “Why would you ask me that? You know I would never do that to you.”
“Do I?”
“I would hope so, I love you Em.”
He puts his arms out like he is going to hug me and I just move away from him.
I don’t talk until we are in my apartment because I need to be sitting down when I bring the next part up. We go into the house, I sit at the kitchen table, and Logan leans against the sink. I know he is going for domina
nce here by continuing to stand but it actually makes me feel better that I don’t have to look him in the eye when I ask him the question that is going to break my heart all over again, hopefully for the last time.
“Do you remember that first weekend you parents came to visit you and had to leave early?”
I see Logan scanning his memory for that weekend.
“You mean the weekend when they had to go pick up my brother from the airport?”
“Yes,” he looks puzzled.
“How did you know about that?”
“Well because they didn’t really leave early to get Tyler, they left early so I could visit.”
I can see his wheels spinning, with this information.
“So, what happened to you? You never came to visit?”
“I did Logan.” I say and watch as his face pulls together in thought. I can see he is trying really hard to remember what happened that day.
“Let me play it back for you, maybe you will remember.”
He crosses his arms over his chest and rests one ankle over the other while he listens intently.
“It had been a month since I had seen you; I was so excited. I wanted to know everything. How college was going for you, I wanted to see your dorm room, meet your friends; it was going to be a good day.”
“You told your parents you would be playing basketball with some friends after they left. They talked to an administrator and told them what was going on and they were going to allow me in, without saying anything to you. So, I hugged your parents and thanked them for letting me see you. I walked to the gym; I was so nervous, Logan. Dammit, I can’t even tell you how excited I was to see you.”
I had to stop for a moment because I was beginning to cry. If Logan knew where this story was going, he wasn’t showing it; his face was straight. He damn well knows where this is going, though, so how can he just stand there!
After I have regained what little composure I have, I continue.
“I took a deep breath and walked in the gym. At first, I couldn’t find you. There were a lot of boys playing ball but you weren’t one of them. I started to leave; I thought that maybe you had gone back to your room instead. I turned to walk back out and I spotted you...and her! I was stunned in my spot. I thought I was mistaken, at first. Surly, that wasn’t my Logan, with another woman sitting on his lap . . .”
“Wait, wait, wait.” He says putting his hands up to stop me from talking.
I pull my eyes from the floor to look at him.
“You think I slept with that girl?”
“Didn’t you?”
“God no, Emily.” He runs his hands through his hair and stands still for a moment. He bends at the waist with his hands resting on his knees.
Chapter 12
*Emily*
“I can’t believe all this bullshit is because you think I slept with that girl.”
“I know what I saw, Logan. You two were very cozy with each other.”
“She is a friend that is it.”
“So you let all of your female friends straddle your lap and kiss you?”
“Emily, look. I admit that we may have gotten a little closer than just friends but I never let it get as far as sleeping with her. . . .”
Logan is still talking but I quit listening to him. I feel my heart breaking all over again. And tears that I didn’t know I still had were falling down my face.
“Em, I . . . I don’t know what to say”
“You don’t need to say anything.”
Logan kneels in front of me and takes my hand.
“I understand, Logan. I was your little high school girlfriend. You didn’t want to be bothered with me anymore. But you could have had the decency to tell me we were done. That way, I wouldn’t have to keep wondering what was going on. Why you slept with someone else, why you never came home to visit and why I saw you with someone else just a few weeks after you left. Do you remember what we promised each other Logan?”
“We promised a lot of things Emily,” he says and he holds my hand in his and we both are crying together.
“About wanting to be with someone else? We promised we would always tell each other that we were done or that we found someone else. Why couldn’t you just tell me Logan?”
He shakes his head.
“I hate to see the hurt on your face that I see right now. How am I supposed to tell the woman that I have loved for the past two years of my life that I fucked up and met with someone else? How do I do that, Emily?”
As much as it hurt to just think that Logan was cheating on me, it hurt a thousand times more to actually hear him say it.
“Do you know how selfish that was of you? I waited and waited for you to confess. But you were just going to let me believe that everything was fine and that nothing ever happened. Your parents wouldn’t even talk to me about you. Do you know how hard it was for me?” I suddenly had a thought.
“Did your parents know?”
Logan looked away, ashamed.
“Oh my God! They knew and still kept telling me bullshit like give him time Emily, he will come around.” I stopped to catch my breath.
“Ok, so tell me this, If I had said nothing and just let you come back like everything was good between us, would you have told me? Because I don’t think you would have.”
“Em, this shit has been eating away at me since it happened. And, like I said, I never let it get too far. I know you won’t believe this but the one time you saw was the last time I had anything to do with her. I really thought that you deserved someone better than me; I couldn’t face you. I don’t deserve you anymore Emily.”
“So, why are you here?”
“I have been asking myself that same question since I saw you at your house before you left. I was going to talk to you; I was hoping that we could just be like we used to be.”
“So, you weren’t going to tell me. What a fucking coward you’ve become, Logan Moore.”
I needed another drink, this just keeps getting better. I stand up and reach for the bottle, when Logan realizes what I am doing he stands and takes the bottle from me. Before I can get it away from him, he pours it down the drain.
“I think you need help, Emily.”
My eyes fly to his.
“No, what I need is to get you the fuck out of my life. You are the sole reason I started drinking; no you, no drinking!”
“If that is what it takes to make you stop drinking, I’m gone; out of your life for good, Em. I just want you to be happy and if me not being around makes that happen, so be it.”
I think about this for a minute. Maybe he is sorry for what he did. Can I believe him when he says it only happened once? Or, that he didn’t tell me because he was beating himself up. If that is the case, hasn’t he suffered enough? Those are questions I need to answer for myself before I can try to forgive him.
“I just have one more question for you Logan.”
“Anything, Em.”
“Why should I believe what you’re telling me?”
He looks nervous like he doesn’t know what to say. In all honesty, why would he know what to say, he wasn’t going to tell me to begin with.
“I can’t tell you whether or not to believe me, Em that is something you will have to do.”
He takes my hand and lays it on his chest above his heart.
“Just know that this belongs to you. It wouldn’t matter if I slept with a thousand people or was a million miles from you, no one will ever take your place in here.”
He taps my hand again that seems to still be lying on his chest, even though he isn’t holding it there anymore. He looks into my eyes. His hand comes up to my cheek and I instinctively lean into it and close my eyes. He takes his thumb and gently wipes the tears that are falling from my eyes. He leans up and kisses me on the cheek. He stands and walks out of my apartment leaving me to feel completely alone.
Logan hasn’t been here all this time and I haven’t felt this alone. I knew I would feel this w
ay toward him that is why I didn’t want to be around him all summer. Even though it has been a while and I was moving on, seeing him for the first time was going to be difficult; I wasn’t sure how I would handle it. I had this grand plan to move away and I thought that would keep my heart intact. I didn’t take into consideration that Logan would come back and be fighting for me. I just don’t understand. He slept with someone else, why is he here fighting for me? I don’t know, I am thinking in circles.
I stand and I feel my anger rise again when I remember that he poured out my alcohol. What the hell? He comes in my house, starts fighting with me, and then pours out my liquor? What an asshole.
I walk to the bathroom. I splash some cold water on my face and get ready to get Shay. I look at myself in the mirror. I sure feel a lot older than eighteen. Physically I guess I still look the same. I haven’t had to time to get my hair cut with as much as I have been working, so it’s a little longer. I may be a little skinnier, due also to working. My brown eyes are a little sadder. But, otherwise, I feel the same. I shake my head at myself. I pull a brush through my hair and put it up in a ponytail.
*Logan*
I walk to my car with a heavy heart. I had no idea that she was there that day; my parents never said a word to me about it. If I didn’t already feel like a dick, I definitely do now. She has been walking around with this shit in her head for so long; no wonder she is drinking. I kick the tire on my truck, FUCK! What do I do now?
I sit in my car and think about how I have been kicking my ass all year. I have been down to the bottom of a bottle many a times; trying to figure out how the fuck I got myself in this situation in the first place. I had every intention of staying with Emily when I went to Virginia to school. When I got there, there was this pretty blonde that kept trying to get with me and I turned her down a hundred times. After a while, I couldn’t get her out of my head. I knew no one and she was giving me all this attention. As I listen to myself in my head, I know that they are all just pathetic excuses. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t have sex with her but the flirting and occasional kissing was bad enough.
Maybe my plans are not going to work out after all. If I were in Emily’s shoes, I wouldn’t want to have a constant reminder in my face, of the asshat that screwed me over.