by Atul Todi
In all those dreamy talks, he never told her what she really wanted to hear. The whole time he just assumed that she would be by his side when he lived his dreams; he just assumed that she was always going to be there for him.
She believed in him and his dreams. But, while encouraging him to go after his big goals, she always tried to keep him grounded. She advised him to think through his plans and helped him filter the numerous ideas he had. She was practical and always warned him against blindly trusting people.
Unlike his dreams, her dreams were modest; she wanted to become a doctor and help one patient at a time. She did not care much about how much money she made or how big a house she lived in. All she wanted was a happy family. For her, it was all about small things; simple things gave her the greatest joy. A cup of hot Indian tea with ‘Parle-G’ biscuit, an hour-long bubble bath, listening to old classical Indian songs or a long walk on a quiet evening: any of these things could make her smile like a sunflower. She cared least about Jimmy Choo and Prada; Louis Vuitton and Chanel had no place in her closet.
She was a big-hearted girl with small dreams.
Somewhere deep inside, Tia hoped that Abhay would just stop and breathe. She wanted him to look around himself and be thankful for what he had. She wished he would stop chasing his lofty dreams and live in the moment. Yet, she knew that the only way he could truly be happy was when he was content inside.
To be truly happy, he had to find his inner peace and realise that he was not competing with anyone but himself. He had to recognize that there was no one judging his success and what he did with his life. All that mattered was happiness, and while he said that Tia made him happy, she could do little to help him find it. He had to find it himself.
His demons were his own, and only self-realization could fight them.
Without judging each other's beliefs and their expectations from life, they spent time goofing around. Long walks and deep talks became regular fixtures on their weekly schedules. With time their friendship bloomed.
As days and months went by, she became important for him. Still, he did not know where she figured in his plans. His final semester in college had started, and he didn't know where he was headed. Once his MBA program was over, he had multiple six-figure jobs lined-up in different corners of the US. She, on the other hand, still had two years left in college before she became a doctor.
He told her about the wonderful job offers he got, and they discussed the pros and cons of each. Happy to know that he was planning to stay back in the US post his degree, she was content. A couple of hours and she could be with him, no matter which city he took the job in. Their relationship had hope and she wanted to make it all work.
She had faith that he would eventually start loving her.
Unlike her, he was selfishly thinking just about himself. With job offers in his hand, he knew that it was too safe an option. He had to take a risk if he wanted to get a step closer to his dream. Not telling her about it, he secretly worked on his startup plan.
It was February, almost a year since he first met Tia. Unsatisfied with the job offers he had gotten, he decided to go ahead with his startup venture. He had been working on the blueprint of the project for months and the risk seemed minimal. It was his dream venture, his ticket to making it big in the technology world. He knew that if he took any job, he would have been sucked into the vicious work cycle and become too complacent to take risks.
He had to take a chance, but the problem was that his project was not feasible in America. There were visa issues, and he needed big investment to hire people, set up his company and stay functional until his product started making money. On the other hand, if he went back to India and started his company there, he needed minimal investment and could actually make his dream come true.
While it all sounded good from a bird’s-eye-view, what he did not factor into his plan was his relationship with Tia. He had to stay away from her, and the project could have potentially taken years to accomplish.
In those days, long-distance relationships were unheard of, and he was not even thinking about it. He was too focused on his life, to realise the consequences of his decision. Blind to her feelings, he assumed that nothing would change between them.
Still undecided on his plans, he had not told Tia about the possibility of him moving back to India.
Showing Khushi a picture of himself and Tia in a restaurant, Abhay told her that it was February 14th, Valentine’s Day. Tia was expecting him to take her out. Having made her wait all day, he called her in the evening and told her to get ready to go out for dinner. Even though she acted surprised, she had been anticipating it for many days but never told him about it. He too made it sound quite informal; after all, they were not dating.
That evening, as he drove her to La Scala, a fine dining restaurant in Lafayette, he had the evening all figured out, but kept her guessing. She was happy and glowed like an angel. Chirpy and nervous, she made small comments about the warm weather and the happy couples who were out and about in the town.
Wearing a cap-sleeve flounce black dress with a bateau neckline, revealing her petite shoulder line, she looked like a Greek Goddess with a dusky-olive skin. Hair straightened, dark black eyeliner under her eyelashes, deep crimson nail polish and blush on her face, it looked like she had put in extra effort to stand out that night. With high black stilettos on, a red topaz necklace around her neck, glass bangles around her wrist and nose-ring, she could just do no wrong. Her yoga-toned thighs showing from under her sensual dress were hard to take eyes off from.
She looked nothing like the nerdy girl Abhay first saw in the library almost a year back. Regularly working-out, she no longer hid her beautiful body behind hoodies and track-pants. Her sorority sisters made sure her fashion sense was always in-tune with the trends. But, what made her stand out was the Indian touch in her style and the way she carried herself.
Yet, that night everything about her was the same. The same innocent smile and the nervous biting of her lips; she was still the same girl who could fumble and fall on her face. Humble and honest, she still had a warm and approachable persona.
Having her by his side made him feel special. When she was around, he did not worry about the millions he wanted to make. She was like a balm to his workaholic mind. When she was around, he talked about the stupidest thing in the world without worrying about making a fool of himself. She, unlike others, thought his silly jokes and cold sarcasm was genuinely funny.
She got him like no one else.
When they were together, they were two goofballs, who were otherwise very focused and career driven. Everyone thought of them as intellectuals with a serious demeanor. Deep inside they were just two happy souls in search of something.
Seated in a corner seat in the restaurant, he asked for a bottle of fine wine she liked and ordered her favorite Italian dishes: Ravioli Florentine and Pasta Fresca. The ravioli was cooked in marsala wine cream sauce with sun-dried tomatoes and fresh spinach. The pasta, cooked in extra virgin olive oil garlic sauce, had fresh cherry tomatoes, basil, toasted pine nuts and fresh seasonal greens sautéed with shallots, garlic, and fresh herbs.
Enjoying their romantic dinner, she pointed out all the different ingredients in the food and how it was prepared. She noticed small things and was into details. He, on the other hand, was busy eating and making fun of her for looking like a Flamenco dancer in her sexy dress. She mocked him for being jealous as all the men in the restaurant noticed her; even the cute male server complimented her for looking stunning.
They both fought and were overly sarcastic about everything, but their mutual understanding was flawless. They both understood each other well, and judged the emotions associated with everything that was said, and not its literal meaning. That night too they continued to fight and laugh at the same time, annoying people who sat nearby.
After finishing dinner and a bottle of wine, the server brought them complimentary tiramisu for Valentine’s Day
. Showing Khushi a picture of him and Tia feeding each other a bite of the delicious desert, he told her that Tia had asked the cute server to take a picture. She wanted to make sure she remembered the night for a long time.
Ecstatic about what the night had in store, they headed back to his apartment. They both knew what the other person wanted, and neither of them could wait to get back to the room, away from all prying eyes.
It was something about Valentine’s Day that made romancing in public place seem normal. Making out in the parking lot, they could hardly keep their hands off each other. She had wanted him, and he had needed her desperately since that night in Panama City.
Till that evening, they both had controlled their urges, pretending to be conservative and in control of their feelings. But it seemed impossible that night; it was not in their hands.
While they had awkwardly kissed and made out a few times after Panama City, it always ended mutually when they decided that it would not happen again. They were good friends and friends don't get physically intimate. But, that night the fire burning inside them just could not be put out. It was the culmination of all the pent-up emotions.
Khushi looked upon Abhay to tell her more details, but he left what happened between him and Tia that night to her imagination.
Abhay quietly re-lived that night in his head, while Khushi waited impatiently for him to say something.
That night Abhay carried Tia to his room from the parking lot; she kissed him all over while he walked hurriedly. Speaking in single word syllables, their hands did all the talking.
Since that evening at the library, when she stumbled and fell, every single day she had become more and more irresistible. Like a caterpillar slowly changing into a butterfly, that night her metamorphosis was complete. She was perfect from every angle. To add to that, the butterfly was more than just beautiful: the conservative Indian girl had a wild side that Abhay had never dared to explore.
To his surprise, the girl he once called an ostrich, had turned into a Tiger that night: feisty and ferocious, yet elegant. Her instincts were clear and her eyes were set on its target. Focusing on her prey, she planned to show no mercy. Purring in his ear, biting his neck and pulling his hair, she couldn't wait to tear away his clothes.
Laying her down on the bed, he turned off the light. With the window wide open, the room was dimly lit by the moonlight. Locking the room door, he watched her lying on the bed, panting heavily as she called him.
Looking sharply back at him, she gestured with her fingers, calling him to come join her in bed. He stood at the gate and watched her.
Her beautiful curves were accentuated by the way she moved in bed and teased him. With her back arched, she moved her hips in slow motion. Her eyes looked at him with such fierce passion that he could feel his soul burn. Finally, pulling him towards her, she made him lay down and got on top. She was taking charge.
Her wet red lips kissed him like he was made from the sweetest grapes that ever existed. Her fingers caressed him like he was carved from the most delicate clay brought from heaven. Her touch was dipped in intense love, and every kiss coated with deep passion. It was impossible to resist the Goddess who had descended upon him on that windy moonlit February night.
Holding him down, she kissed him everywhere and tore open his shirt. He too caressed her body and slowly took the liberty to ease her out of her dress. Pulling her head down, with his tongue licking her neck and teeth nibbling on her ears, he made her moan.
Breaking his trance, Khushi brought him back to reality and asked: "Please tell me what happened? This is not fair; you can't hide parts of the story from me."
With sadness on his face, he told her that while he was kissing Tia, before they went too far, she said those scary words: "I Love You! I love you so much Bugsy." At that moment, hearing those words and the sincerity with which she said it, made his face lose colour. He stopped whatever he was doing and laid cold on the bed.
As if lightning had hit him, he felt no emotions, just a strange deep anxiety. All his fears about breaking her heart one day resurfaced. His mind was filled with contrasting thoughts; On one hand he did not want love to bind him down and on the other hand, he did not want to lose her.
By not telling her about his plans to go back to India, he felt like he had cheated her. He knew that his life was in a state of flux, he could not promise her love; he could not commit to her. Chasing his dream, he liked her more than anything else, but there was no place for love in his life at that moment.
Maybe her timing was just wrong that night. Had she not said those words, he might not have gotten cold feet. Maybe he would have just accepted the fact that he too loved her and not stepped back. But once she told him that, he felt wrong to not tell her how he felt and his future plans.
He could not cheat her by not telling her that he had planned to go back to India.
Getting out of bed, he stood by the window staring at the moon. Trying to find the strength inside, he looked for words to tell her that he was going away. Seeing him all upset, she came next to him and asked, "What happened Bugsy? Are you ok? Talk to me."
If that night she did not say those three dreadful words, the story might have been very different. He might have just accepted that he too was in love with her and would have figured out a way to be with her. But, hearing her words and seeing the honesty in her eyes, he had instinctively stopped and stepped back.
His mind screamed at him to go on, and his lips craved for her; his skin yearned for her touch and his fingers needed to caress every bit of her. Controlling his instincts, with his eyes shut and fist tightly closed, he turned to the other side. The thought of someday breaking her heart and leaving her made him shudder. He could not imagine losing her, at least not as a friend.
Handing her the flowers he had bought for her, he told her how much he liked her and how perfect she was in every way. He told her that she knew him better than his mother and around her he could just be himself. He even confessed that if they had met a few years down the line, he would not have thought twice before asking her to marry him. But, their timing was not right: he was not ready for a relationship.
That night, finally he told her that he was going back to India to build his startup. There was just no way for him to do it in the US and with visa issues he was left with no other options. He had already rejected all his job offers and was planning to tell her about it soon.
Not saying a word, she just stood there next to him. With tears rolling down her face, she looked into his eyes, trying to find answers to the million questions she had on her mind.
He could tell that she was shocked and saddened to hear about his decision; he had chosen his dreams over her love. Yet, she knew that she had to let him go and find himself. Without questioning his decision, she knew that he was chasing his happiness, and until he found it, he could never fall in love. Not with her, nor with anyone else.
With her eyes filled with concern, Khushi asked, "So is that your love story? That's it; you just let Tia go and came back to India?"
Lost in thought Abhay said, "No, that was not my love story; it was hers. Mine had not even started yet."
Shocked by what he said, Khushi was dumbfounded.
"You were so clearly in love with her. How can you say that it was her love story? You both were clearly in love with each other?"
Khushi was quite upset with the way the story was progressing. With virtual relationships being quite accepted amongst her generation, she didn't see why moving back to India was an excuse for Abhay to not express his love to Tia. She was annoyed by his continuously insisting that he was not ready for love, and he did not want to break her heart.
Feeling helpless, he told her that he wished he had a time-machine to undo what he did that night. Back then he had assumed that Tia was always going to be there for him. As for love, he was yet to realise that what he called attraction, infatuation, and crazy hormonal disorder, was nothing but different ways his mind was
telling his soul that he was in love.
Back then with his mind focused on his future and heart filled with ambition, he did realise the power of love. It was only when it was taken away from him, gone out of his reach, that he realised that the whole time he had been chasing the wrong thing.
His heart heavy with old memories and eyes dry with long-gone pain, he decided to call it a night. He did not have the strength to go further with the story that night; he just wanted to be left alone to wail in his grief.
CHAPTER 9: JOURNEY BEYOND AMERICA
The previous night after Khushi went to sleep, Abhay went out to the lake by himself. The only thing giving him company was his bottle of Johnnie Walker and his gun. He was sad about his past and angry for digging it back up. His depression, which had subsided over the years, started to kick back up.
Somehow he made it back to the house safe early in the morning. Khushi found him sleeping on the couch in the living room.