by Atul Todi
Even though Anna was sweet and caring, Khushi did not look too fond of her. She could sense something very artificial about Anna, as if she was pretending to be nice. She was like a Victorian princess, who was just too sophisticated and a little too proper and polite.
"I have never seen Abhay so happy and calm before. It must be your being here Khushi. I think you should just stay here with us. And once we get married, we can be a happy little family. Me, Abhay and you."
Abhay knew that Anna was not too fond of kids, but he was pleasantly surprised.
Khushi, on the other hand, with her eyes wide open and hands frozen, could hardly hide the shock on her face. She hoped she heard it wrong; maybe she was still dreaming. But then Abhay said, "Anna, Khushi is here only for a bit. Anyways, what would she do here in this jungle, in the middle of nowhere? She should be in school, making friends and having fun. But, I hope we can invite Khushi and her mother for our wedding."
Dropping her fork, Khushi tried to get a grip on what was happening there. For some odd reason, she looked annoyed. Having heard Bugsy's love story, she could not picture him with Anna. She had started believing that Bugsy was still waiting for Tia.
She had no clue that Abhay and Anna had been planning to get married.
Hearing what Abhay had said, Anna looked a little confused. She thought that Khushi had lost her parents, and that was the reason she was there with them. Anna asked Abhay about Khushi’s mother.
To cover up for what he said, Abhay corrected himself and said that he meant Khushi's grandmother. He told Anna that while she was gone, he was able to track down Khushi's grandmother who happened to be living in Delhi. He was going to go and leave Khushi with her in a few days.
Khushi did not respond; she just sat there quietly. Lost in her thoughts, she quietly finished her breakfast. The news about Abhay’s marriage plans did not go down too well with her.
Anna on the other hand was ecstatic with the sudden development. She had been with Abhay for more than six months and was completely in love with him. But he never showed any sign of emotional attachment. Until few days back, he hardly reciprocated her love. Besides their physical relationship, he saw her just as a friend.
In the past, he had made it clear to her that she was just a business accomplice who was helping him market his wine, nothing more. He had told her that he was incapable of real relationship and that was the reason why he lived alone in the vineyard. Anna was convinced that he did not believe in love and out of nowhere he proposed her for marriage.
Excusing herself, Khushi asked Abhay if they were going to the vineyard to check on the vines they had planted.
A little confused by her abrupt change in mood, Abhay said yes. Anna said that she would be going to the winery to check on the wine production. They all planned to have dinner together. Anna was going to make a French cuisine, especially for Khushi; the little girl had brought her good luck and she wanted to make her feel special.
Riding on the horse with Abhay, Khushi asked, "You never told me that you love Anna and were getting married to her?
Abhay was quiet. He did not say anything. He wondered why the little girl he had hardly known for a few days was asking him such a personal question.
Khushi asked again, "Do you love her Bugsy? Do you love her like you loved Tia?"
Abhay still did not say anything. He was not sure what to tell her.
"How am I supposed to end your love story?" she asked.
Khushi wanted him to tell her how he really felt about Anna. She still believed that Abhay’s love for Tia was real and he had been waiting for her all those years.
Finally, he said, "I stopped loving a long time back Khushi. Love doesn't mean much to me anymore. But, Anna is sweet, she is fun and she cares for me. I am tired of running away from my past. Maybe, if I get married, I will finally let go and find some peace. Old memories would stop haunting me."
Khushi asked, "In all your books you make mistakes, break someone's heart, but you never give-up. You always make up for your blunders. Hope always wins in your books and love always triumphs. How can you give up so easily in real life?”
Abhay had no answer for her. Real life was not a fictional novel.
“Is it just a coincidence or is it really Tia in all of them? Aren't you hopeful that she would come back, and your love would eventually win? Have you tried to find her?" Khushi needed an answer.
Abhay told Khushi that she was too naïve to think that Tia was coming back. In real life fantasies like his did not come true. Tia had been gone for too long, and he only hoped that she was happy wherever she was. He tried to convince Khushi that there was no point in regretting the past and every person with a broken heart should learn to move on.
Abhay asked Khushi to make the final message in the story about Bugsy to be realistic and show people that life had a greater purpose. Not finding love was not the end of it all, life still had to go on. He advised Khushi to write his story as is, without any superficial ending. People should know that his novels could inspire them to love, but not define the course that love eventually took.
Khushi was still adamant; she insisted and asked him if he had ever tried looking for Tia and contacting her. How did he know that she was still not waiting for him? That piece of information was important for her to write his story; it was important for the world to know what happened to Bugsy's love. She could not leave the story at: Bugsy never tried to find Tia.
Abhay was left with no answer. But he told her that she was being silly; Tia was married and had kids. He saw a picture of her with a little kid few years after her marriage. There was no reason for him to interfere with her life. No matter how much he missed her, there was no way Tia was ever coming back. He had no right to go looking for her.
He just wished that she had forgotten him and was completely in love with the guy she married.
Khushi told him that the only reason he was writing all those novels was because he was hopeful. He hoped that wherever she was, she was reading his books and knew that he was sorry for what he did. Writing was his way to let her know that he still loved her.
Abhay was agitated by Khushi's stubbornness. He did not need a little girl to justify why he wrote.
He didn't know how to respond to Khushi’s pestering questions. Even though he had left his past behind, it had always haunted him. Her memories were always with him and he never stopped loving her. Hiding in the vineyard, breaking away from all his past connection was not enough. He felt possessed by some black magic, which made sure that his past continued to haunt him.
Calming himself down, he tried to explain to Khushi, "She is not coming back; she is gone. I have accepted my reality, and it's ok. Unrealistic love stories only sound good in books, and that's why they are called fiction, Khushi. Real life is not all that simple. So don't make a mistake like me. If you ever find love, hold on to it and never let it go."
Seeing Abhay lost in his thoughts, Khushi tried asking him again: "Would you like to tell me what happened after Tia left you? How am I supposed to end your love story?"
Checking on the young vines they had planted, Abhay continued his story from the time he moved to the vineyard. He told her that once Tia got married, he lost all hope and never tried contacting her. He felt like it was his fault and to reduce her pain, he promised himself that he would never come in her path. He would let her restart her life and be happy with whomever she was with.
He believed that given enough time, humans were capable of falling in love multiple times. So he decided to not make her suffer because of his failures and stayed away from her path. He distanced himself from her, hoping that she would fall in love again.
Looking to find some reason for his being, he told Khushi that he left everything behind: friends, family and the society that had great expectations from him. Running away from his past, he took refuge in the vineyard. All he wanted was a little bit of nothingness, where his mind was at peace with his soul. There was a wa
r brewing inside his heart, and he felt torn apart. He wanted to stop thinking; he just wanted his mind to go blank.
He felt that life had lost its purpose. All his ambitious plans left empty and futile. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he was not in depression, his mind was not stable after the fallout with Vivek and his breakup with Tia.
He needed help, and it was nowhere to be found. Life felt like it had given up on him. Whatever he had been chasing till then seemed pointless.
Hiding in the vineyard, he wanted to feel like a blank state that had no obligations to anyone. Being out in the wild, working with the farmers to grow grapes, did not help him cope with his depression, but he stopped thinking about his prestigious college degree and where the world was going. The technology-obsessed digital world that he was so fond of lost its charm. Money became irrelevant in those lush green vineyards. He became just another ordinary human being; he did not feel extraordinary anymore, and he was fine with that reality.
He felt like he owned nothing to the world.
Toiling away in the endless plantations, he earned enough to survive. Luckily the wine was free for him, so he stayed drunk on most days; there were no good reasons to be sober. Doing everything from picking grapes to harvesting, he tried to wipe out the past from his memory.
With no money and being completely cut off from the world, he tried to find himself in the sloping hills of Southern India.
Khushi asked, "How did you start writing? What inspired you?" She still believed that Abhay unconsciously wrote to let Tia know that he loved her and was still waiting.
He told her that once he got a job on the vineyard, he toiled day-in-day-out and learned everything about grape growing and making. He believed that not thinking about his past and keeping busy would help him let go of it all. But in the wilderness of those grape plantations, with no friends around and drunk on lonely nights, the past continued to haunt him.
He thought he would not miss her once he distanced himself from her, but that did not happen. Her memories followed him. Everything around him had her memories: the lush green vineyard had her fragrance, and the cloudy nights looked dipped in her smile. The rain tasted like her and blowing wind spoke in words that sounded like she was hymning at twilight.
Abhay remembered going to the Oliver Winery in lush valleys of Bloomington, Indiana, where Tia would pluck leaves from the green vines, squish them between her fingers and make him smell the freshness of the plant. Looking at the clouds from her window she would point out monsters that were going to war. Being really silly, she would laugh at her own imaginative creations. When it rained, she would remove her shoes and go jump in the puddles, telling him that the drop of water falling from heaven were the tear-drops of angels who had fallen in love. During their late-night study sessions before exams, she would go for long hot showers and sing out loud to annoy him.
Her memories had followed him like demons pursuing him relentlessly. He had nowhere to hide.
Being away from her, in the middle of nowhere, he craved to hear her voice and see her again, but it was not possible. He had promised to not come in her way and let her be happy wherever she was. So the only thing that would help him sleep on those lonely nights was to let it all out in words.
To let it all out, he started writing about what he would do if Tia was with him. He started imagining falling in love with her in different ways, different scenarios, and different settings. He started spending time with her through his novels.
Sometimes, they were out in the wild, searching for a dangerous adventure, or being chased by villains who wanted them dead. Sometimes they were just living pathetic lives stuck in concrete cities, looking for an escape. In one scenario, they were living a few centuries in the past and their love was torn apart in the times of medieval war. In another plot, they were a few decades ahead, living in a digital world where emotions had been encoded into bytes and love was just a click away.
He felt insane, but insanity felt beautiful with her.
All those imaginary stories became the basis for his novels. Letting go of all his pain in words, writing became a form of meditation for him. He wrote whatever came to him and found peace in the emptiness it left behind.
He thought that even though he broke her heart, he could rectify his mistake by becoming a medium for others who were lost and did not understand the power of love. Expressing love, anger, sorrow, passion and romance, he created an imaginary world, where he showed that if given time, love always won.
He needed love to win and triumph over everything else.
When he started writing, he never thought he would write a novel, forget about becoming a published author. With little knowledge about how to create a plot or structure a story, he wrote in bits and pieces as it came to him. Not over thinking, he constantly jotted down his deep feelings and thoughts, wherever he missed her.
Soon enough, he realised that the fragmented bits of thoughts that he was writing down could be put together into a story. Luckily he had a friend who happened to be in the publishing industry. Sending him a draft, he did not expect much, just some feedback.
Overwhelmed by the simplicity of the book, his friend convinced him to sign-up with his publishing company to publish it as a novel. From that time onwards, he continued to write what he felt, and fortunately readers liked it. They connected with his fictional stories and it encouraged him to continue.
Patiently listening to Abhay, Khushi appeared to understand the reason for his writing and the comfort it brought to him. Telling him that she finally saw what inspired him to write all his novels, she asked, "So over all these years did Tia ever try contacting you? Do you think she reads all your books?"
A little taken aback, Abhay said that Tia never tried contacting him, and he was not sure if she would ever read tragic romance books like the ones he wrote. She never liked reading fiction. She was very practical and was more into reading non-fiction books by writers like Malcolm Gladwell. She always said that she liked literature that was factual and dealt with topics that were meaningful. She was very rational; fantasy was not her thing.
While Abhay told Khushi that Tia was happily married somewhere with kids and a loving husband: a perfect family that she always wanted, the whole afternoon Khushi tried to convince him that he was still very much in love with Tia. He was only writing because he hoped that she would be reading his books wherever she was and by some miracle she would come back to him. However, she was confused as to why Abhay made it impossible for Tia to ever come find him.
Abhay's identity was a mystery and even if she knew he was Bugsy, she had no way of finding him. He was no more on Facebook, and his friends thought he was dead. Khushi thought out loud, wondering how Tia was meant to come find him; Abhay had left her no clues, no phone number, no address.
Abhay just laughed at the absurdity of what Khushi was trying to tell him and told her that he had no such intentions. He was sure Tia was not looking for him.
Not convinced, Khushi asked, "Are there hidden clues in your novels to help Tia find you?"
Abhay was fascinated with Khushi's creative imagination. But he told her that he never consciously thought of adding clues in the novels.
That evening Anna joined Abhay and Khushi by the lake. After their deep talks in the afternoon, both Abhay and Khushi sat quietly listening to Anna and all her plans for the wedding. Besides her wedding dress and the decoration, she wanted to bring in the best chefs from France and invite the who's-who of the wine industry.
Her excitement for the big day was clearly evident. She wanted to go all out and make it a grand event. She was already putting together a guests list for the wedding and looking for the best dates for the marriage ceremony. Abhay had no one on his list of invitees, but Anna added Jolly and his wife. Those were the only people she knew about from Abhay’s past.
Being a shrewd businesswoman, Anna planned the wedding like a business deal. According to Anna, their wedding was a
great opportunity for them to showcase Abhay's vineyard and make his wine a global phenomenon overnight. Her dad would be calling all his friends; they were all big shots in the wine industry, and that would help them launch their wine-tasting facility and introduce the new wines they were preparing.
Speaking about the wedding plans, Anna was ecstatic and cheerful. She really liked Abhay and wanted to get married soon. Abhay too looked happy for a change and Khushi was glad to see him smile. Khushi did not ask him any more questions.
Surprisingly quiet, Khushi was done with her interview. She had the ending to the love story that she had been putting together. Maybe Anna was perfect for Abhay; Bugsy's unreal story had a very real ending, something most people could relate with.
Even though the ending was not what she had imagined, it was one that made Abhay happy and Khushi was glad that his days of loneliness were finally coming to an end.
Returning back to the house, before going to bed, she hugged Abhay and said, "I think I have your whole story doodled in this notebook. Now I think it's time for me to go home and write it down. Just one last question before I am done, why do you write under a pseudonym?"