A Life's Morning

by George Gissing

  Dagworthy checked himself, turned about, and walked quickly from the place.

  CHAPTER XI

  EMILY’S DECISION

  Emily reached home a few minutes before dinner-time. Her mother came to her from the back of the house, where things were in Saturday tumult, speaking with a voice of fretful satisfaction.

  ‘I’d just given you up, and was wondering whether to let the meat spoil or begin dinner alone.’

  ‘I am sorry to be late, mother.’

  ‘No, you’re not late, my dear,’ the mother admitted. ‘It’s only that you’re a little uncertain, and when one o’clock draws on I can never be quite sure of you, if you’re out. I must say I like punctuality, though I dare say it’s an old-fashioned kind of thing. Which would you like, potatoes baked or boiled? I’ve got both, as I always think the baked keep better for your father.’

  ‘Whichever you have yourself, mother.’

  ‘Now, child, do make a choice! As if you couldn’t say which you would prefer.’

  ‘Boiled.’

  ‘There now, you say that because you think there won’t be enough of the others. I know very well yen always like the baked, when I have them. Don’t you, now, Emily?’

  ‘Mother, which you like! What does it matter?’

  ‘Well, my dear, I’m sure I only wanted to please you,’ said Mrs. Hood, in her tone of patience under injury. ‘I can’t see why you should be angry with me. If I could give you more choice I would. No doubt you’re used to having potatoes done in all sorts of superior ways, but unfortunately I wasn’t brought up as a cook—’

  The strange look with which Emily was regarding her brought her to a pause; her voice dropped.

  ‘Mother dear,’ said the girl, in a low and shaken tone, ‘I am neither foolish nor unkind; do try to believe that. Something is troubling me. To-day let your choice be mine.’

  Mrs. Hood moved away, and served the dinner in silence.

  ‘What is your trouble, my dear?’ she asked presently. ‘Can’t you tell me?’

  Emily shook her head. Her mother relapsed into thoughtfulness, and they finished their meal with little conversation. Mrs. Heed was just rising from the table, when there was a sound of some one opening the gate before the house; she looked to the window, and at once uttered an exclamation of astonishment.

  ‘Well! If that isn’t—! He hasn’t altered a bit all these years!’

  ‘Who is it, mother?’ Emily asked nervously.

  ‘Why, my dear, it’s that man Cheeseman! The very idea of his coming here! Now, mark my words, he’s come to ask for that money back again, or for some of it, at all events. It was just showing off, pretending to pay it back; exactly like him! But if your father’s foolish enough to do anything of the kind—There, he’s knocking. I hoped never to see his face again as long as I lived; how ever he can have the impudence to come! I suppose I must let him in; but I’m sure I shan’t offer him any dinner.’

  Emily had risen from her chair, and was trembling with excitement.

  ‘Oh yes, mother,’ she cried, with a joy which astonished Mrs. Heed, ‘we must behave kindly to him. He paid father the money; we must remember that.’

  ‘Well, you’ll see if I’m net right. But I can’t keep him standing at the door. Do untie this apron, Emily; I’m so nervous, I can’t get at the knot. See, now, if he hasn’t come for the money back again.’

  ‘Never mind; he paid it! He paid it!’

  ‘I can’t understand you, child. What is there to be so pleased about?’

  ‘Mother, do go to the door. Or shall I?’

  The girl was overcome with a sudden light in utter darkness. She grasped at her mother’s explanation of the visitor’s arrival; unable, in her ardour, to calculate probabilities, to review details. Dagworthy had been guilty of a base falsehood; the man approached who could assure her of it. It was a plot, deeply planned. In some manner Dagworthy had learned what had happened to her father in Hebsworth, and had risked everything on the terror he could inspire in her. The coming of her father’s friend was salvation.

  She found herself clasping his hand warmly.

  ‘Well, Miss Hood,’ Cheeseman came in exclaiming, ‘you may perhaps have half a recollection of me, when you’re told who I am, but I’m quite sure I shouldn’t have known you. Your good father was telling me about you yesterday; rare and proud he was to speak of you, too, and not without reason, I see. Mrs. Hoed, you’ve no need to complain of your for tune. Times have been hard, no doubt, but they’ve brought you a blessing. If I had a young lady such as this to look at me and call me father—well, well, it won’t do to think of it.’

  In spite of her determination, Mrs. Hoed was mollified into an offer of dinner. Mr. Cheeseman affected to refuse, but at a word from Emily he allowed himself to be persuaded. The two sat with him, and listened to his talk of bygone days. Emily’s face was flushed; she kept her eyes on Cheeseman as if his arrival were that of a long-hoped-for friend. The visitor abounded in compliments to mother and daughter alike. He ate, the while, with extreme heartiness, and at length drew from the table in the most effusive mood.

  ‘Mrs. Hood,’ he said, leaning forward, ‘I owe you an apology, many apologies. You and your good husband in times long past did me a service of a very substantial kind. You thought I had forgotten it—yes, you couldn’t help but think it—’

  ‘Oh, we won’t talk about that, Mr. Cheeseman,’ interposed Mrs. Hood, not without a suggestion in her tone that she had indeed entertained the thought attributed to her.

  ‘Ah, but I can’t help speaking of it,’ said Cheeseman, feelingly. ‘Miss Hood, you probably don’t know what I refer to; you were a very little lady in those days. They were hard times with me; indeed, I’ve never known anything else. I was saying to your good father yesterday that he could no longer talk of his ill-luck. Many a day he and I have encouraged each other to face fortune, but that’s all over for him; he’s got his foot on firm ground, thank heaven! I’m still catching at straws, you see; I dare say it’s a good deal my own fault; and then I never had a good wife to look after me, and a daughter growing up to teach me prudence. Well but, Miss Hood, I was saying that your father did me a great service; he lent me what was a large sum for him in those days—’

  ‘Not a little one even in these, Mr. Cheeseman,’ remarked Mrs. Hood.

  ‘Well, well, but in those times it was a thing few men in his position would have done. He lent me a ten-pound note, Miss Hood, and it’s right you should know it. Years have gone by, years, and any one would think I’d kept out of the way to avoid paying the money back. I assure you, Mrs. Hood, and to you, Miss Hood, I give my solemn word of honour, that I’ve never from that day to this had more money than would just keep me in bread and cheese and such poor clothing as this you see on me. Why, even yesterday, as no doubt your good father has told you, I had but a sixpenny-piece in the world, but one coin of sixpence. Ah, you may well look sad, my good young lady. Please God, you’ll never know what that means. But one sixpence had I, and but for my old friend I should have been hard driven to find a place of rest last night. Now do I look and speak like an ungrateful man? Mrs. Hood, I’ve come here this day because I felt in duty bound to call on you, being so near. I didn’t know your address, till that meeting by chance yesterday. When my old friend left me, I got restless; I felt I must see you all again before I went south, as I hope to do—tomorrow, perhaps. I felt I must clear myself from the charge of in gratitude; I couldn’t live easy under it. It was too much like a piece of dishonesty, and that I’ve never yet been guilty of, for all I’ve gone through, and, please God, never shall. My old friend Hood and I, in days even before he had the happiness to meet you, Mrs. Hood, we used to say to each other—Let luck do its worst, we’ll live and die honest men. And, thank heaven, we’ve kept our word; for an honester man than James Hood doesn’t walk the earth, and no one ever yet brought a true charge of dishonesty against Alfred Cheeseman.’

  He looked from mother to daughter
. The former sat in helpless astonishment, gazing about her; Emily had hardened her face.

  ‘You find it a sad tale,’ Cheeseman proceeded. ‘Why, so it is, dear ladies. If ever I had owned a ten-pound note, over and above the price of a loaf of bread and a night’s lodging, it should have been put aside with the name of James Hood written on the back of it, and somehow I’d have found him out. And I say the same thing now. Don’t think, Mrs. Hood, that I’m pleading my poverty as a way of asking you to forgive the debt. The debt shall be paid; be assured of that. If I can only get to London, there’s a prospect before me; I have a project which I explained to my old friend yesterday. You shall have the money, and, what’s more, you shall have interest—four per cent. per annum. Oh yes, you shall. Only let me somehow get to London.’

  The gate sounded again.

  ‘Emily,’ exclaimed Mrs. Hood, ‘there’s your father!’

  She was pale, and the hand with which she pointed could not steady itself.

  ‘Mother,’ said the girl, just above her breath, ‘go! He is coming in!’

  Mrs. Hood rose and left the room. Cheeseman could not but observe that some strange agitation possessed them both. Possibly he explained it by the light of his own conscience. He sat, smiling at Emily rather uneasily. Then, seeing that there was likely to be a delay before Hood entered, he bent forward to speak confidentially.

  ‘Miss Hood, I see it in your face, you’re as kind and warm-hearted as your father is, and that’s saying much. You won’t think hardly of a poor fellow who oftener misses a dinner than gets one? Every word I’ve said to you’s as true as the light of heaven, And my only chance is to get to London. I’ve made an invention, and I feel sure I know a man who will buy it of me. It took my last farthing to get here from Hebsworth. You don’t think hardly of me? I don’t drink, on my word I don’t; it’s sheer hard luck. Ah, if I had a home like this! It ‘ud be like living in the garden of Eden. Well, well!’

  The door opened, and Hood came in, followed by his wife. He was laughing, laughing loudly; the voice was so unlike his that this alone would have caused Emily to gaze at him in astonishment.

  ‘So you’ve looked us up!’ he exclaimed, holding out his hand. ‘Why, you couldn’t have done better; I was sorry afterwards I hadn’t asked you. My wife tells me you’ve had dinner; you won’t mind sitting by whilst I eat? And what do you think of Emily, eh? Grown a little since you saw her last—ha, ha! So you’ve made up your mind to go to London? Emily had dinner? Why, of course you have; I was forgetting. Baked potatoes! Remember my old weakness for them baked, Cheeseman? We used to buy ‘em in the street at night, halfpenny apiece, eh? Old man with one arm, remember? We used to hear him coming when he was half a mile off; what a voice! And the man who sold peas; remember him? “All ‘ot! All ‘ot!” We were lads then, eh, Cheeseman? Emily, just a mouthful, with butter? Let me tempt you. No?—What train did you come by?’

  He talked ceaselessly. There was a spot of red in the midst of each of his sallow cheeks, and his eyes gleamed with excitement. On leaving the mill a sudden thirst had come upon him, and he had quenched it with a glass of spirits at the first public-house he passed. Perhaps that had some part in his elation.

  Emily almost immediately withdrew and went up to her bedroom. Here she sat alone for more than an hour, in fear lest her mother should come to the door. Then she heard the gate open, and, looking from the window, saw her father and his friend pass into the road and walk away together, the former still talking in an excited way. A minute or two later came the knock which she dreaded. She opened the door, and her mother entered.

  ‘Emily, did you ever know your father so strange?’ Mrs. Hood asked, in a tone of genuine alarm. She had sunk upon a chair, and looked to the girl as if overcome with physical weakness. ‘What can it all mean? When I asked him why he had told that story about the money, he only laughed—said it was a joke, and he’d explain it all before long. I can’t think where the money came from! And now he’s gone to pay that man’s fare to London, and no doubt to lend him more money too.’

  Emily made no reply. She stood near the window, and looked out at the clouds which were breaking after a brief shower.

  ‘Wherever the money may have come from,’ pursued her mother, ‘it’s cruel that it should go in this way. We never wanted it worse than we do now. It’s my belief he’s borrowed it himself; a nice thing to borrow for one’s own needs, and then throw it away on such a good-for-nothing as that.’

  Emily turned and put a question quietly.

  ‘Are you in more than usual need of money?’

  ‘Well, my dear, you know I always try to say as little about such things as I can, but now your father’s been and borrowed—as of course he must have done—there’s no choice but to tell you. The house at Barnhill’s going to be empty at the end of the quarter, and our rent here’s going to be raised, and, all things coming together, we’ve had a good deal to make us anxious. It’s just like your father—wanting to make me believe that things are better than they really are; it always was his way, and what’s the good of it I never could see. Of course he means it well, but he’d far better have been open about it, and have told me what he was going to do.’

  Emily was shaken with agitation.

  ‘Mother!’ she exclaimed, ‘why have you both insisted on keeping silence before me about your difficulties? There was no kindness in it; you have done me the cruelest wrong. Had I not money in plenty beyond what I needed? What if the future be uncertain? Has not the present its claims, and can your needs be separated from mine? Because you have succeeded in keeping me apart from the troubles of your life, you—you and father—have thought you had done a praiseworthy thing. Is it not bad enough that one human being should be indifferent to the wants of another, just because they call each other strangers? Was it right to bring such a hateful spirit of independence into a home, between parents and child? If the world is base and unjust, is not that a reason the more why we should draw ever more closely to each other, and be to each other all that our power allows? Independent! Because I earned money and could support myself, you have told me I must be independent, and leave you the same. That is the lesson that life has taught you. It is well to have understanding for lessons of a deeper kind.’

  ‘Well, my child,’ protested the mother, to whom the general tenor of such reasoning was well-nigh as dark as its special application, ‘we have always felt we were doing our duty to you. At your age it is only right you should have your money for yourself; who knows when you may want it? I don’t think you should be angry with us, just because we’ve felt we’d rather put up with a little hardship now and then than have you feel some day we’d been a burden on you. I haven’t complained, and I’m not complaining now. I’m sorry I came to speak to you about such a thing. It seems as if you could never take a thing as I mean it. It’s like the potatoes at dinner; I meant to do you a kindness by giving you the choice, and you flew out as if you hadn’t patience with me.’

  Emily kept her eyes upon the window.

  ‘How you can say,’ went on Mrs. Hood, ‘that we’ve been cruel to you and done you a wrong—I know we’ve very different ways of looking at most things, but where we’ve wronged you is more than I can understand.’

  ‘You have taken from me,’ replied Emily, without moving her eyes, ‘the power to help you. I might have done much, now I can do nothing; and your loss is mine.’

  ‘No, indeed, it isn’t, and shan’t be, Emily. Your father and I have always said that one thing, that you shouldn’t suffer by us. What did your father always say years ago? “Emily,” he said, “shall have a good education, however we stint ourselves; then, when she grows up, she’ll always be able to keep herself from want, and our poverty won’t matter to her.” And in that, at all events, he was right, and it’s come about as he said. No, Emily, we’re not going to be a burden to you, so don’t fear it.’

  ‘Mother, will you let me be by myself a little? I will come down to you presently.
’

  ‘Aren’t you well, my dear?’ the mother asked, with a mixture of offended reserve and anxiety occasioned by the girl’s voice and aspect.

  ‘I have a headache. I will rest till tea-time.’

  Mrs. Hood had for a long time been unused to tend Emily with motherly offices; like her husband, she was not seldom impressed with awe of this nature so apart from her own. That feeling possessed her now; before Emily’s last words she moved away in silence and closed the door behind her gently.

  The irony of fate, coming out so bitterly in all that her mother had said, was like a cold hand on Emily’s heart. She sat again in the chair from which she had risen, and let her head lie back. Her vitality was at a low ebb; the movement of indignation against the cruelty which was wrecking her life had passed and left behind it a weary indifference. Happily she need not think yet. There were still some hours of respite before her; there was the night to give her strength. The daylight was a burden; it must be borne with what patience she could summon. But she longed for the time of sacred silence.

  To a spirit capable of high exaltations, the hour of lassitude is a foretaste of the impotence of death. To see a purpose in the cold light of intellectual conviction, and to lack the inspiring fervour which can glorify a struggle with the obstacles nature will interpose, is to realise intensely the rugged baldness of life stripped of illusion, life as we shall see it when the end approaches and the only voice that convinces tell us that all is vanity. It is the mood known by the artist when, viewing the work complete within his mind, his heart lacks its joy and his hand is cold to execute. Self-consciousness makes of life itself a work of art. There are the blessed moments when ardour rises in pursuit of the ideal, when it is supreme bliss to strive and overcome; and there are the times of aching languor, when the conception is still clear in every line, but the soul asks wearily—To what end? In Emily it was reaction after the eagerness of her sudden unreasoning hope. Body and mind suffered beneath a burden of dull misery. Motives seemed weak; effort was weary and unprofitable; life unutterably mean. It could scarcely be called suffering, to feel thus.