Irrationally Yours: On Missing Socks, Pickup Lines, and Other Existential Puzzles

by Dan Ariely

  You could argue that the same principle would apply if he asked for $1.25, but in this case the size of the request might deter some people. Plus, when he is asking for 75 cents, and people don’t have exact change, there is a good chance that they will give him $1 and not wait for change. But if the requested amount is $1.25 giving $2 might be too much.

  Having said all of this, I should point out that my speculations about the specificity of the request and about the rounding-up effect are just speculations and the right thing to do is to carry out some experiments. So, if you are willing to volunteer and beg for money for a few days, we can see how people react when you ask for different amounts, give people different reasons for the amount requested, and make it easy for them to get change back. By gathering some real data we should be able to truly get to the bottom of this strategy.

  Beyond gaining a better understanding of begging strategies, carrying out such experiments might be useful in figuring out how to ask people for help in our everyday life. It might help us figure out how to make people stop and listen, how to influence the inferences that they make about us and our requests, and ultimately it can help us get the exact assistance we need. Now that you see how important this is, let me know when you are ready to start the experiments.

  Giving, Attention, Value

  ON GRANDPARENTS AND AGENDAS

  “Can I call you back? I’m creating happy memories of my childhood for my father.”

  {Illustrations © 2015 William Haefeli}

  Dear Dan,

  For the past five years our daughter has been married to a wealthy, bullying control freak. We have no sympathy for her; she is an admitted gold-digger, and her husband has boatloads of money. We have not been able to hide our disappointment, and knowing how we feel about their marriage, they have shut us out. We don’t care too much, but we would love to spend some time with our grandson. We were even thinking about a legal approach, but grandparents have no visiting privileges in our state. Any advice?

  —REG

  I am sorry about your predicament, and while it is hard to give advice on this complex issue, here are a few suggestions. First, try calling your daughter and her husband and simply say that you’re deeply sorry about all your previous behavior and negativity. You don’t sound sorry to me, but that’s OK. Just say you’re sorry and say it repeatedly. In multiple experiments, we found that saying sorry works rather well—even when people don’t mean it. Most interestingly, an apology works well even if the person from whom you are asking for forgiveness knows that you don’t really mean it.

  The point is that when someone says he or she was wrong and asks forgiveness, it’s hard to continue being mad at them. You might find it difficult to swallow your pride but think about the relationship with your daughter, her husband, and your grandson as a game of chess. You really care about the king (seeing your grandson), and pride is just a pawn in the game (well, maybe a bishop) so it’s OK to sacrifice it for something you really care about.

  If this approach doesn’t work, either because you can’t bring yourself to say sorry or because the hatred is too deeply rooted—and if you’re serious about spending time with your grandson—I would recommend that you take all your belongings and move in next door. This will force some interaction between all of you and, with direct interaction, hatred will be harder to maintain—particularly if you are nice to your grandson (what parent can hate people who are nice to, and care about their kids?). On top of that, if your grandson makes it clear to his parents that he wants to spend more time with you, what are the chances that the parents could say no?

  Finally, I should mention that in my personal experience, not only is living next to my parents-in-law incredibly helpful, meaningful, and useful, but the pleasures of living next to my extended family has exceeded my expectations.

  Family, Memory, Forgiveness

  ON OUTSMARTING BATHROOM GOERS

  Dear Dan,

  Whenever I go to a public bathroom, I try to figure out which stall I should use. Any advice?

  —CATHY

  I assume that your question is about which bathroom stall is likely to have been used the least. But what you are really asking about is the level of sophistication of your fellow bathroom goers, and how to outsmart them.

  If we assume that other people don’t think about this question and just pick a stall randomly, this is bad news for you because it means that all the stalls are going to be equally used and there is no way for you to beat the system.

  On the other hand, if the common bathroom goer picks their stall deliberately, you can try to get into their head and strategize one step ahead of them. So, we need to figure out what the common bathroom goer thinks. If they think that the closest stall is the least used (maybe because people feel that the farthest stall is more private), they will flock to it, and the closest stall becomes the most used one. In this situation, your best strategy is to do the opposite of what most people do, and pick the stall farthest from the door. But what if the common bathroom goer is a bit more sophisticated? What if they come to the same conclusion (that most other people think that the closest stall is the least used and, therefore, flock to it)? Thinking this way, they will try to counteract this choice by picking the farthest stall. What is your best strategy in this case? Again, you need to stay one step ahead of the game. In this case it means that your best strategy is to grab the closest stall. Of course, figuring out what most people do and taking the opposite approach depends on how many steps ahead people usually think.

  So, now we get to the most important question: How many steps ahead do people usually think? My own personal (and sad) observation is that people think ahead by about one step (sometimes less). This means that you should start with the assumption that most people think that the farthest stall is the most used one, do the opposite, and pick the closest stall. Which means that you need to do the opposite of the opposite and select the farthest stall.

  If nothing else, I hope that this analysis will give you some appreciation for the complexity of making the right choice in a competitive environment and maybe it will give you something more interesting to think about on your next visit to a public bathroom.

  Decisions, Other People, Predictions

  ON GOSSIP AS A SOCIAL COORDINATION MECHANISM

  Dear Dan,

  I’m at a loss for understanding the popularity of gossip newspapers and magazines. What is the attraction?

  —DAVE

  I don’t fully understand it myself, but I suspect that some of the attraction has to do with social coordination. When we are in social gatherings we look for discussion topics that everyone can take part in, and often these end up being about weather/sports/gossip. This, of course, also means that discussions naturally gravitate to some of the lowest common denominators—just so that everyone can be part of the exchange.

  Even though sports and gossip don’t require a lot of knowledge in order to join a discussion, they do require some. Knowing that at some point we will find ourselves in social situations that will turn to these topics for discussion, and wanting to fit in, we consume gossip and sports news just so that we can participate more fully in passing time together.

  P.S. In The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Douglas Adams had the following to say about the topic: “Nothing travels faster than light, with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own rules.”

  Communication, Other People, Social Norms

  ON FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

  “If we’re going to be friends with benefits, I want health and dental.”

  {Illustrations © 2015 William Haefeli}

  Dear Dan,

  My boyfriend and I have been together for a while, and people ask us whether we’re going to get married. We get along great and love each other very much but I just don’t see the point of marriage. Why not just live together in a civil union and be happy the way things are? Aside from the cost, is there any point to this elaborate ritual?


  —JANET

  I have no research on this topic, but allow me to share a story that might help you think about your question.

  When I was about nineteen, I was moved from the burn department (where I was initially hospitalized in basic isolation) to a more general rehabilitation center. In this rehabilitation center I met patients with injuries that ranged from amputation to paralysis to head injuries. Among them was David, who was stationed in the army as an expert in explosives, and had been badly injured while disassembling a land mine. He lost one of his hands and an eye and also had injuries to his legs and some scars. When Rachel, his girlfriend of several months, broke up with him, all the patients in the rehabilitation center, myself included, were furious with her. How could she be so disloyal and shallow? Did their love mean nothing to her? Interestingly, David was better able to see her side, he was not as negative as the rest of us about her decision, and he was the only one defending her.

  Looking back at it now, I am not sure if Rachel was right or wrong, but her behavior can help us reflect on your question. Think about her behavior. Does it upset you? How might your feelings toward her change if her relationship with David had been a longer-term relationship? What if they were engaged? What if they were part of a civil union? What if they were married? How would you behave if you were in Rachel’s position in each of these different types of relationships? And how would you expect your significant other to behave if he were in Rachel’s position in each of these different types of relationships?

  I suspect that your level of scorn for Rachel depends to a large degree on the type of relationship between her and David. I also suspect that your predictions about your own decision to stick with a partner who just experienced an awful injury (as well as your prediction about what your partner would do if you were the one injured) would similarly depend to a large degree on the type of relationship. And what is the lesson from this? If your assessment changes when you imagine that David and Rachel were married, this suggests that publicly saying “for better and for worse” really means something to you. It also means that getting married could change the way you view your own relationship.

  Obviously, marriage is not some magical superglue for relationships. But marriage can be an important catalyst for commitment and long-term relationships, particularly when we inevitably hit rough patches. So while I wouldn’t advocate marriage in all situations, I do think it’s worth thinking about the ways in which this tradition can strengthen the long-term bond between people.

  Relationships, Long-term Thinking, Happiness

  ON RUMINATING WHILE RUNNING

  Dear Dan,

  I often hear people say that after they go for a run, their minds are clear, and they can focus better on big questions at work. Can this be so? Do we need to exercise to think clearly?

  —SAM

  I suspect that running isn’t the best way to clear the mind. In fact, I suspect that running while thinking about work is a recipe for designing products and experiences that enhance agony, misery, and pain. Now that I think about it, maybe this was the start of what we know as customer service for cable companies.

  Workplace, Experiences, Misery

  ON THE JOY OF GETTING THINGS DONE

  “I suppose a fist bump would be more sanitary.”

  {Illustrations © 2015 William Haefeli}

  Dear Dan,

  Why do I clean my cell phone many times a day and with great care but I can’t be bothered to deal with the cleanliness of my car or my house?

  —SARA

  I suspect that this is about your ability to reach your end goal. You probably don’t really believe that under any circumstance you will ever reach a state where your house is 100 percent clean. The task is just too large, and others in your household can mess the place up faster than you can clean it. Given this state of affairs, maybe 70 percent clean or 80 percent is within reach, but 100 percent is just not going to happen.

  On the other hand, when it comes to your phone, perfect cleanliness is within reach and this achievable goal spurs you not only to clean the phone but also to enjoy it.

  I encountered a related case awhile ago when we hired a contractor to renovate parts of our home. The renovations included many projects: replacing old windows, insulating the attic, installing a better heating system, renovating a bathroom, and installing a sauna in the basement. The whole process involved all the typical delights that accompany such projects: broken promises, annoyances, delays, unexpected surprises that ended up costing us more, changes to the original plans (that also ended up costing us more)—all the usual occurrences that a social scientist would naturally learn to expect.

  The one thing I did not expect was the construction of the sauna. One evening the contractor asked me to join him in the basement. There he showed me with great pride how finely and precisely they cut the wood for the walls and the benches, how much care they took to make sure that the screws were bolted below the surface of the wood, and other such details. This was clearly not the usual level of pride that he showed in his work and it made me wonder about the joy of creating a complete thing. You see, all the other aspects of the renovation were only improvements, while the sauna was a complete stand-alone. As such, the sauna was potentially a perfectly constructed self-standing unit. Could it be that the potential to make something perfect increases our motivation? And could it be that when we are limited to just fixing something, our motivation is weakened? I suspect that this is the case, which means that maybe we should all start picking projects that are smaller, and more self-contained.

  Habits, Effort, Goals

  ON THE ART OF MULTITASKING

  “Are you multitasking me?”

  {Illustrations © 2015 William Haefeli}

  Dear Dan,

  I spend a lot of time on not-very-interesting conference calls using Skype and Google Hangouts. I usually try to answer emails during this time, so I turn off the video capability, so that no one can see me. On top of that I try to type quietly, so that no one can hear. But the sound of the keyboard seems to vibrate through the computer, and I suspect that the other participants know that I am not really paying attention. Any advice?

  —KRISTEN

  I suspect that you are not seeing the whole picture. The other people are most likely not noticing your typing because the sound from their keyboard overpowers yours. But if you are still worried about someone hearing your typing, get a tablet.

  Attention, Technology, Workplace

  ON CALLING HOME

  “When you head off to camp, your parents will want to see some separation anxiety.”

  {Illustrations © 2015 William Haefeli}

  Dear Dan,

  My son travels a lot and as a consequence we don’t talk as much as we used to. Can you suggest a way that I can talk to him more frequently?

  —YORAM

  I suspect that your son has a very busy life and that his lack of calling does not reflect his love or level of caring for you. This said, maybe you can pick a regular day and time to talk, maybe even put it on your calendars, and this will make your conversations more frequent. And I promise to call both you and Mom the moment I get back from South America.

  Love, Dan

  Family, Time, Travel

  ON TOASTS AND THE IDEAL SUPERSTITION

  Dear Dan,

  At a dinner party a few years ago, we were raising our glasses to our hosts’ health. But, before we had a chance to touch each other’s glass, the person on my right informed us that it is customary to look straight into the eyes of the person you’re toasting as your glasses touch and that failure to follow this procedure will inevitably result in five years of bad sex. I don’t think anyone around the table believed in the link between eye gaze and bad sex but we found it very amusing and, for the rest of the night, looked deeply into each other’s eyes while toasting. I don’t think of myself as superstitious, but since that dinner party, I find myself looking very intently into people�
��s eyes when I toast. I know I am being irrational, so why can’t I shake this superstition?

  —KATHLEEN

  If we were going to design an effective superstition, this one would be as close to perfect as we’re likely to get. For starters, the cost of the ritual (looking into each other’s eyes) is low, and in fact pleasurable. On the other hand, the cost of ignoring the ritual is very high (five years of rotten sex). It’s certainly not worth risking such a large consequence for such a small, fun act. And like all good superstitions, the outcome in question takes place far into the future and is difficult to evaluate objectively. All of these are the foundations of a good, viral superstition.

  The only thing I might add to the mix is a way to quickly fix the bad-sex karma in cases where someone mistakenly does not follow the ritual. Perhaps if someone forgets to make eye contact, they will have to close their eyes and have the person next to them help them drink the next sip of wine? With such an addition, we would have a truly perfect ritual and superstition.