The Dangerous Book for Boys

by Conn Iggulden

  2.Be careful with humor. It is very common for boys to try to impress girls with a string of jokes, each one more desperate than the last. One joke, perhaps, and then a long silence while she talks about herself . . .

  3.When you are older, flowers really do work—women love them. When you are young, however, there is a ghastly sense of being awkward rather than romantic—and she will guess your mother bought them.

  4.Valentine’s Day cards. Do not put your name on them. The whole point is the excitement a girl feels, wondering who finds her attractive. If it says “From Brian” on it, the magic isn’t really there. This is actually quite a nice thing to do to someone you don’t think will get a card. If you do this, it is even more important that you never say, “I sent you one because I thought you wouldn’t get any.” Keep the cards simple. You do not want one with fancy stuff of any kind.

  5.Avoid being vulgar. Excitable bouts of windbreaking will not endear you to a girl, just to pick one example.

  6.Play a sport of some kind. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it replaces the corpse-like pallor of the computer programmer with a ruddy glow. Honestly, this is more important than you know.

  7.If you see a girl in need of help—unable to lift something, for example—do not taunt her. Approach the object and greet her with a cheerful smile, while surreptitiously testing the weight of the object. If you find you can lift it, go ahead. If you can’t, try sitting on it and engaging her in conversation.

  8.Finally, make sure you are well-scrubbed, your nails are clean and your hair is washed. Remember that girls are as nervous around you as you are around them, if you can imagine such a thing. They think and act rather differently to you, but without them, life would be one long football locker room. Treat them with respect.

  Marbling Paper

  IF YOU’VE EVER WONDERED how the marbled paper inside the covers of old books is created, here it is. It is a surprisingly simple process, but the results can be very impressive. Once you have the inks, there are all sorts of possibilities, like birthday wrapping paper or your own greeting cards.

  * * *

  You will need

  Marbling ink—available from any craft or hobby store and some large stationery stores.

  A flat-bottomed tray—a baking tray, for example.

  Thick paper for printing and newspaper ready to lay out the wet sheets.

  Small paintbrush, a toothpick, comb or feather to swirl ink.

  * * *

  At about $4 a jar, marbling ink is expensive, but you only need a tiny amount for each sheet, so it lasts for years. We began with red, blue and gold.

  We used thick printer paper as it was handy, but almost any blank paper will do. You could do this in the bath, but remember to clean it later or you will have a blue father or mother the following morning. The paper must not have a shiny surface, or the inks won’t penetrate.

  Fill the tray with water to the depth of about an inch (25 mm). It is not necessary to be exact.

  Using the small brush, or a dropper, touch the first color to the water surface. It will spread immediately in widening circles.

  Speckle the water with circles of your colors, then when you are satisfied, swirl the colors with a toothpick, a comb or a feather. Anything with a point will do for the first attempt.

  When the pattern is ready, place the sheet of paper facedown onto it and wait for sixty seconds. That is long enough for printer paper, though times may vary with different types.

  Take hold of one end of the paper and draw it upward out of the liquid. There really isn’t any way to do this incorrectly, as far as we could tell—it really is easy. Wash your paper under the tap to get rid of excess ink. Place the wet sheet on newspaper and leave to dry.

  If you have access to a color photocopier or printer, you could make a copy with certain sections blanked off. The spaces could then be used for invitation details, or the title of a diary or story—perhaps an old-fashioned Victorian ghost story, with an old-fashioned marble-paper cover. Dark green, gold and black is a great combination.

  Cloud Formations

  IT REALLY IS AMAZING just how many times you can look up at the sky in a lifetime and say “I can never remember, is that Cumulocirrus, or Strato-whatsit?” Everyone is taught them at school and, frankly, we all forget. You’ll read them now and when you really want to know, you’ll have forgotten. The solution is to get spare copies of the book so that you always have one with you.

  THERE ARE ONLY THREE BASIC TYPES OF CLOUDS

  This image is of cirrus—light, wispy clouds, which can be as high as fifteen thousand feet and are made of ice crystals. The formation is sometimes referred to as “mare’s tails.”

  After that comes the most common—cumulus. These are the fluffy cottonball clouds you can see on most days.

  The last member of our big three is stratus—a dark, solid blanket of cloud at low level.

  All cloud formations are combinations of these three basic forms. The only other word that crops up is nimbus—meaning a dark grey rain cloud. You could for example, see cumulonimbus, which would be large and fluffy, but dark and just about to rain. The leading edge of a storm is usually cumulonimbus. Nimbostratus would be a heavy dark layer covering the sky and again just about to pour down.

  Cirrus

  * * *

  THE MAIN CLOUD FORMATIONS

  HIGH ALTITUDE

  (above 18,000 ft/5,500 m)

  Cirrus—high and wispy

  * * *

  Cirrostratus—high thick layer

  * * *

  Cirrocumulus—high cottony

  * * *

  Cumulonimbus—cottonball storm clouds

  MEDIUM ALTITUDE

  (6,500–18,000 ft/2,000–5,500 m)

  Altostratus—medium-height heavy band

  * * *

  Altocumulus—medium-height cottonballs

  LOW ALTITUDE

  (up to 6,500 ft/2,000 m)

  Stratus—heavy flat layer

  * * *

  Stratocumulus—fluffy and flat combined

  * * *

  Cumulus—cottonball

  * * *

  Nimbostratus—raining flat layer

  * * *

  Cumulus

  Stratus

  You know a storm is coming when you see stratus and stratocumulus cloud formations getting lower. If the clouds descend quickly into nimbostratus, it is time to find shelter as the rain will be coming at any moment. If you happen to have a barometer, check the mercury level. A sudden drop in pressure indicates a storm is on the way.

  These ten can be further subdivided, with names such as cumulonimbus incus, an anvil-shaped storm cloud often called a “thunderhead.” For most of us, however, just remembering and identifying all ten major types would be enough.

  Famous Battles—Part Two

  1. WATERLOO

  June 18, 1815

  Napoleon had overreached himself by 1814. He had lost more than 350,000 men in his march on Russia, one of the most ill-advised military actions in history. Wellington had beaten his armies and their Spanish allies in Spain. In addition, the armies of Austria and Prussia stood ready to humble him at last. Yet Napoleon was not a man to go quietly into obscurity. When he abdicated as Emperor, he was exiled to rule the tiny island of Elba off the west coast of Italy. Perhaps cruelly, he was allowed to keep the title he claimed for himself. Many lives would have been saved if he and his honor guard had stayed there. Instead, eleven months after his arrival, a frigate picked him up and he returned to France.

  The French king, Louis XVIII, sent troops with orders to fire on him. Famously, Napoleon walked fearlessly out to them, threw open his coat and said, “Let him that has the heart, kill his Emperor!” The soldiers cheered him and Napoleon turned them round and marched on Paris. By March 20, 1815, the French king had fled and Napoleon was back. The period of March to June is still known as the “Hundred Days” War.

  With extraordinary efficiency, Napoleon
put together an army of 188,000 regulars, 300,000 levies (conscripts), and another 100,000 support personnel. In addition, he had his veteran Army of the North around Paris—124,000 men.

  Wellington’s Anglo-Dutch army of 95,000 was in Flanders (Belgium) at this point, with the Prussian army of 124,000 under Marshall Blücher. The Austrians had 210,000 men along the Rhine and another army of 75,000 in Italy. The Russian army of 167,000 under Barclay was coming through Germany to attack France. In many ways, Napoleon had overreached himself in 1815, as well.

  Napoleon moved quickly against the armies in Belgium, attempting to crush his enemies one or two at a time. Unfortunately for his hopes, Wellington’s forces stopped one of his marshals at Quatre-Bras, south of Brussels, counter-attacking and preventing the support Napoleon needed to destroy the Prussians. Blücher’s men did suffer terrible casualties when they met Napoleon at Ligny, but were still able to retreat in good order. Napoleon did not follow up his advantage and Wellington was able to move from Quatre-Bras to a better position, ready for battle. He chose a ridge named Mont St-Jean, to the south of the village of Waterloo. It was the evening of June 17 and that night it rained in torrents.

  Blücher had given his word to Wellington that he would reinforce the British position. His deputy Gneisenau was convinced Wellington would fail to hold the ridge and would be gone by the time the Prussians arrived. He wanted to abandon their allies and return to Prussia. Despite exhaustion and being wounded himself, the seventy-two-year-old Blücher overrode him and gave orders for his men to support Wellington. It is an interesting detail that Gneisenau arranged the Prussian marching order so that the units furthest away from Wellington would go first. It seems he knew this would delay their arrival. The furthest unit, however, was General von Bülow’s IV Corps, one of the best units the Prussians had. The eventual arrival of the Prussians would force Napoleon to respond, just as he should have been attacking the British center. This was a vital part of the victory.

  The ground was a quagmire after the downpour of the night before, and Napoleon delayed the attack until it began to dry. On noon of the June 18, he attacked at last with 72,000 against Wellington’s 67,000. Napoleon’s troops moved forward in a feint attack, while his “belles filles” (beautiful daughters) guns hammered at Wellington’s army for an hour. At 1 p.m., 20,000 veterans moved in line formation towards the British-held ridge. They too had to march through artillery fire and the carnage was horrific. Yet two of the veteran divisions made it to the crest through fierce hand-to-hand fighting. This was a crucial point in the battle, but it was saved by the Household Brigade and Union Brigade cavalry under the Earl of Uxbridge, who smashed the French attackers with a charge over the ridge.

  The two brigades continued on across the valley, attacking the French guns. They took about twenty and most of them were exhausted as they were broken in turn by the French cavalry reserves. The damage was done, however. The only truly formidable French infantry left on the field were his Imperial Guard, his elite.

  There were some confused orders in the French lines at this point. Wellington ordered his men to pull back 100 feet out of range of the French guns. Marshal Ney thought they were retreating and ordered a brigade of French cavalry to attack. His order was queried, and in an angry response, Ney led them himself, taking around 4,000 cavalrymen forward without support. If Napoleon had sent in his Imperial Guard at this point, Wellington could well have lost the battle. Napoleon had become aware of the approach of the Prussians and refused to commit them. Unsupported, the cavalry failed to damage the British square formations in any significant way. Volley fire repulsed them and the survivors eventually retreated. The heavy French cannons opened up again and more on the ridge began to die.

  By four in the afternoon, the Prussians were there in force, led by the IV Corps. They took a strategic position on Napoleon’s right flank and had to be dislodged by vital troops from the Imperial Young and Old Guard regiments. By the time that was done it was getting on for seven in the evening. So close to midsummer, the days were long and it was still light when Napoleon sent in his Imperial Guard at last to break the British center. They wore dark blue jackets and wore high bearskin hats. In all their history, they had never retreated.

  The Imperial Guard marched up the hill toward a brigade of British Foot Guards under Colonel Maitland and a Dutch brigade under Colonel Detmer. Volley fire and a bayonet charge made the Imperial Guard retreat. Wellington sent in more men after them as they tried to re-form and they were finished. The British Guard regiments were well aware of the reputation of the Napoleonic elite and took their hats as souvenirs. The high bearskin headgear is still worn today by the Grenadier, Welsh, Irish, Scots and Coldstream Guard regiments.

  Blücher attacked the French right as Wellington counterattacked in force. The French army collapsed. Afterward, Blücher wanted to call the battle “La Belle Alliance,” but Wellington insisted on his old habit of naming battles after the place where he’d spent the night before. As a result, it became known as the Battle of Waterloo.

  Napoleon returned to Paris and abdicated for the second time on June 22, before surrendering to the British. HMS Bellerophon took him on board, one of the ships that had fought at the Nile and Trafalgar with Nelson. Ironically, Bellerophon (known as “Billy Ruffian”) was one of those that had fired on Napoleon’s flagship L’Orient before she exploded at the Battle of the Nile.

  Napoleon was taken to the island of St Helena and would not leave it until his death. Waterloo was Wellington’s last battle, though he did become Prime Minister in 1828.

  Blücher died in his bed at home in 1819.

  France was forced to pay damages to Britain, Austria, Prussia and Russia. Those countries met in Vienna to settle the future of Europe. A neutral country, or buffer zone, was created from those talks, its peace guaranteed by the others. It was later known as Belgium when it became completely independent in 1830. Interestingly, it is true that the “Wellington boot” takes its name from a leather boot style popularized by Wellington. Originally, it was made of leather and only later produced in the rubber form we know so well today.

  2. BALACLAVA

  October 25, 1854

  In 1853, Tsar Nicholas I saw a chance to topple an aging Ottoman Empire, control Turkey and extend Russian influence right into the Mediterranean. Both France and England were intent on resisting Russian encroachment in that part of the world. In a highly unusual alliance, both countries sent fleets to support Turkey.

  The allied force was jointly commanded by Lord Raglan and the French Marshal Saint Arnaud. With their arrival, Turkey declared war on Russia and had some initial success before the Russians sank the Turkish fleet and invaded Bulgaria. Various skirmishes followed. Dysentery and cholera were already causing problems for the allied expeditionary force at Varna when orders arrived to take the Russian seaport of Sevastopol. The fleet of 150 warships and transports landed 51,000 French, British, and Turkish soldiers thirty miles north of the port. As the cold months arrived, some of them wore woolen headgear that left only a part of the face exposed. These quickly became known as “Balaclavas.”

  On September 20, Prince Alexander Menshikov fought them at the River Alma. His army was defeated but left almost intact as it withdrew. The allied force moved on to Sevastopol and laid siege to it while the fleet under Sir Edmund Lyons blockaded the port at sea. Menshikov decided to divert their attention from Sevastopol by attacking the main British supply base at Balaclava. He had 65,000 men and expected another 25,000 in reinforcements. In comparison, the allied forces had been reinforced to 75,000.

  Balaclava is a great plain in the Crimean Peninsula with high ground in the form of the Sapouné Ridge at one end and a central spine known as the Causeway Heights. To reach the British camp at Balaclava, Menshikov had to cross the River Tchernaya and the Fedioukine Hills, coming into the North Valley. His task then was to take the British redoubts on Causeway Heights, manned by Turkish militia. Beyond them lay the British 93rd
Highlanders, a thousand Royal Marines and another thousand Turkish troops, all under General Sir Colin Campbell.

  The British cavalrymen were camped at the northern foot of the Causeway Heights to protect the flank. They were under the command of Lords Lucan and Cardigan, two men who disliked each other intensely and rarely spoke.

  The battle of October 25 began when Menshikov used artillery and bayonet charges to storm three of the redoubts in two hours, routing the Turkish militia within.

  The Russian cavalry burst through the allied defenses and charged through the battlefield toward the suddenly defenseless British camp further south.

  The only thing in their path was the 93rd Highland Regiment with Campbell. They formed a double rank as the cavalry thundered toward them and Campbell said, “There is no retreat from here, men. You must die where you stand.” John Scott on the right, replied, “Ay, Sir Colin. An needs be, we’ll do that,” and the rest of them echoed the response.