Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man?
Page 7
Casino owners look at the odds of each game that they plan to bring into the casino. They first weigh the cons and then determine the potential gain of every game they consider having on the casino floor. Next, the CEOs and gaming commissioners all get together and talk about how hard it would be to cheat at this game and what precautions need to be in place to limit the likelihood of an individual successfully cheating, or potentially ruining the integrity of the game itself. Needless to say, it can take several years after a game is introduced to a casino before it makes it to the casino floor. The reason for all of this is because the casino doesn’t play to lose—they play to WIN! There is not a game in the casino that is being played that doesn’t have a house advantage. Believe that. The house odds fluctuate depending on the type of game you are playing, but nonetheless they are all set up to draw a certain type of person—the rich, blue-collar workers, white-collar workers, the unemployed, the self-employed, annual visitors, or daily regulars. After the casino owners decide they want to have a certain game on the floor, they go through a careful process to determine the best way to win.
Ladies, that’s what we want to do with this dating game. We have to reevaluate all the angles from which the game can be played . . . and PLAY TO WIN.
Identifying What You Want
Now let’s seriously transfer this casino analogy into the game of LOVE, SEX, and MONEY (aka, “The Relationship Game”). In this game, you are the casino owner, the boss. The first step before adding this new game to your gaming lineup is to decide what kind of customer you are trying to attract. Remember, this is your game and you are the head person in charge (HPIC), so you can be as honest as you want. If you want a Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington look-alike, then say that. If you want a man with more muscles than Arnold Schwarzenegger in the eighties, then write it down. You are the ruler, and whatever rules you set should be followed. The point is, don’t lower your standards for anyone during the building process. Again, this is your dream so don’t shortchange yourself.
Let’s have fun with this first step. We will call it the “my dream man” step. There should be at least three qualifying characteristics. Physical, spiritual, sexual, and financial would be good starting points. If you were going to put them on a chart, it might look something like this:
Name of Characteristics: (e.g., physical, sexual, financial)
My Perfect Man Would Be: (Ideal requirements go in the boxes)
Each stage has its own chart, so list everything that is important to you. Each section is graded on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the highest score. The person should have a minimum score of 80 percent before you even think about giving up the goodies. With a score of anything less, you are just wasting your time. All the items that he or she scored low on will eventually bother the hell out of you anyway. Take a moment to list your ideal person’s requirements for each section. Fill in the chart with the people that you are already seeing or dating. It will clarify for you if this person is someone that you will be happy with later on in life.
Example: Physical Chart
In comparing these two charts, Stanley is failing. We ain’t going to make it. So, save the cell phone minutes and move on. But, if you really like someone as a person, such as Stanley don’t try to force a relationship, transfer him to the just friends category.
Okay, I’m going to keep it real with you, sex weighs more than any other category (not really but you feel me). Again, if your potential man falls “short” and I’m not talking about height, this may be a nonnegotiable. He can be a lot of things, but being built like a six-year-old boy is not one; we ain’t going to make it. I don’t care how much money he has or how cute he is, the best we can ever be is friends.
After you list all of your wants and needs, you should split them into two columns and list the negotiable on one side and the nonnegotiable on the other side. Now have fun and fill in the names of guys that are on your list and see how closely they really match up to your requirements. You may be surprised how they look on paper.
Example: Moral/Spiritual
This section is really all about your personal preference. However, it is definitely important that you ask the right questions about a person’s history. For instance, if the man that you are seeing was exposed to violence as a kid; he is more likely to show abusive tendencies in your relationship. This section is really going to take a little more effort.
Identifying what you want in a man is pertinent to your success in finding a healthy relationship. When I was fifteen years old, I made a chart very similar to the one that follows. Of course at fifteen, my wish list lacked some of the more important qualities. My requirements at the time were:
Lo and behold the man of my dreams had all the qualities on my list. He was tall, handsome, an athlete, had great teeth, a beautiful smile, and he had a car. Wow! But, he was also crazy! So make sure when you’re putting your list together to add things like at peace, happy with himself, not needy or insecure, educated, and other important characteristics. You get the point. You want the Universe to put together the perfect man, leave no stone unturned. Write all of your wants down on paper and let the Universe do the rest.
Once you have been sent the man of your dreams, “The game” begins. Remember our earlier talk about how gambling CEOs and gaming commissioners get together to devise a plan that will ensure the best house advantage? Well, that’s the next step—creating a game plan to your advantage.
The Dating Game
Let’s assume he likes you and you like him. What do you do from here? You start dating. The first few dates are crucial to the direction of the relationship. It is in the beginning of the relationship that you must establish (1) your expectations, (2) what you are willing to sacrifice, and (3) what kind of time and attention you demand. Make sure your first date is somewhere that you will enjoy. If he thinks Red Lobster is the spot and you’re thinking hell no, say that, in a polite way. Let him know when you don’t like something and more important that he shouldn’t expect to sleep with you on the first date.
I remember one time a platonic friend of mine that I had known for a while asked me to fly to Jamaica with him for the weekend. I needed to think about his question for a minute and told him that I would call him back. When I called him back, I asked him if we were going to have separate rooms. He paused for a moment and said, “Well, I didn’t really think about that, but honestly, I can’t see going to Jamaica with you and you sleeping in another room.” I made it clear I didn’t want to lose our friendship by becoming intimate. Because I expressed that we would have to have separate rooms, and he was honest about his intentions, we both agreed that Jamaica was probably not a good spot for platonic friends to go hang out. The more up front and honest you and your friends or potential partners are with each other, the faster the relationship will progress in the right direction.
Recently we interviewed a couple that had been married for eleven years. I asked the husband how he knew she was the one. The wife started laughing and said, “Tell her how you went from six girlfriends to one.” He told us that his wife’s standards were so high, that slowly, the other girls began to fall off because he couldn’t afford her and everyone else. She ended up being the last woman standing and won the prize. Setting your standards and sticking to them will help you reach your relationship goals. It is also important to have an idea of how long you want to wait before you have sex when your dream man comes along and try to stick to it. Steve Harvey says wait ninety days. I can’t say that there is a magic number, but make him wait. I know people who had sex the first night they met and decided to get married shortly thereafter. On the other hand, I also have a friend who had sex with another friend of mine on the first date, and the next night I watched him not even acknowledge her presence while we were at the restaurant. She sent him a text while we were all eating dinner, and he looked at his phone and put it away. He wouldn’t even give her eye contact. It was the saddest, most disrespectful thing that I
had ever seen. In short, refrain from having sex too early, and never go on a first date where there’s a bed.
The Questions You Should Ask
You must ask questions, and lots of them. Steve Harvey’s book lists five questions that all women should ask a man: (1) What are your long-term goals? (2) What are your short-term goals? (3) What are your views on relationships? (4) What do you think about me? (5) How do you feel about me? Mr. Harvey also advises, “There’s no need to delay asking these questions—ask them right away, as soon as you think you might be remotely attracted to a man you’ve met” (p. 133).
With all due respect to Mr. Harvey, the first three questions are good, but the last two questions may not be realistic. Most women know how hard it is to get a man to be honest with them on the first date about something as simple as his marital status. So what are the odds of a man giving us an honest assessment (other than traditional complimentary things) of how he feels or thinks about us early on (or later on for that matter)? To test this out, we asked several men,while on a staged date, “What do you think about me?” and “What do you feel about me?” Here’s what we found:
Shanae: “What do you think about me?”
Guy 1: “I think you are beautiful and you have a great body, and nice teeth.”
Shanae: [So, you really want to know if I’m good in bed?] “How do you feel about me?”
Guy 1: [With a confused look on his face] “What do you mean?”
Shanae: “How do you feel about me?”
Guy 1: “Well, that’s why we’re here, so I can get to know you better. I really don’t know enough about you to answer that.”
I also asked a few of my male friends how they would respond if a girl asked them those questions. They all said they would tell her what they thought she wanted to hear. To further illustrate this point:
My friend Curtis and I were driving to the mall one day when he received a call from a girl “he liked.” And I heard him lying to her about his relationship status and several other personal questions that she asked. When he got off the phone, I asked him, “Why did you lie to her?” He said that he never tells girls the truth, because if he did, they wouldn’t let him hit it. “Girls need to think that they are the only one.” He said, “I tell you the truth because I know that we’re never going to have sex. But the other girls get exactly what they want to hear.”
Our conclusion: Questions only work IF MEN ARE HONEST.
However, I do agree that we have to ask more questions, and that we should only ask the questions that are going to propel our relationships in a healthy direction.
All of the men we interviewed also said it’s best to keep questions about sex and money to a minimum, at least initially. Keep in mind that the same things that make you laugh can make you cry. Similarly, the same questions you ask a man, he may also ask you. So before you speak, ask yourself, “Do I want him to ask me these same questions?” Here are some questions we think are absolutely imperative!
Questions you should ask early in the relationship:
1) Are you married? (He may lie, but at least you asked.)
2) Are you still friends with your baby’s mama (e.g, your ex-wife, girlfriend, friend)?
3) Describe your ideal woman?
4) Do you want kids?
5) Do you have children?
6) How often do you see your children (if you have any)?
7) Are you close to your mom?
8) How often do you call/see your mom?
9) How long was your longest relationship?
10) How do you feel about love, sex, and monogamy?
11) If you were a box of cereal, which one would you be and why?
12) How do you feel about Internet dating?
If you ask these questions with a genuine, gentle tone— meaning not judgmental, and not attacking or grilling him, you will have greater success in getting honest, heartfelt answers. Hopefully, he will tell you everything you need to know. Let’s discuss each question.
1) Are you married?
My girlfriend and I were having lunch at a small café in Studio City. We were engaging in our normal girl talk, when she said, “Shanae let me tell you about this married guy I dated.” The first thing that I asked was, “Did you know he was married?” She said, “No!” and began to explain how they met and how she found out he was married. Before she could finish her story, I asked her, “Did you ask him if he was married when you met him?” She said, “No, I didn’t know I had to ask if he was married. I assumed that if he was dating me, spending nights with me, traveling and going to business events with me, that he was single.” She added, “I’m forty-nine years old. In my generation, married men don’t date.” I quickly responded by saying this is a new day. Today, you must ask!
2) Are you still friends with your baby’s mama
(e.g., your ex-wife, girlfriend, friend)?
Shanae
Remember, the child’s mother can hold a very special place in his heart, especially if he ever loved her. I like to ask this question because if he is still heartbroken over his ex, he is probably not ready to give himself to you, and this relationship could end up being more work than it’s worth. I am not in the business of helping men get over their ex or dating men who are still intimate with their ex. When you ask this question, listen very closely to the answer and the tone in his voice. When you ask, “Are you still friends with your baby’s mama?” and he says something like, “Hell no, I can’t stand her crazy ass,” then it is probably safe to assume that he is open to a new, healthy relationship. You should also ask, “What is it that makes her so crazy?” What you are looking for is if he did anything that might have made her “crazy.” Think Elin Woods—Tiger Woods’ wife.
If he answers the initial question with, “I didn’t want to break up with her, she left me.” He’s not over her and you are probably just a rebound. If she never comes back to him, great, but if she changes her mind at any point and wants him back, you can kiss him goodbye. If he says, “We are cool, we just grew apart. I still have love for her . . . she’s the mother of my kids. We’re just two different people now, and I am looking for something else” then he is probably a keeper. You can move on to your next question.
Rhonda
Asking if he’s still friends with his baby’s mama is a very important question when trying to get to know someone. My ex-husband and I were both guilty of hurting people through our twenty-year course of breaking up and then making up. Other people really didn’t have a chance until we were able to put our past behind us and move on with our individual lives. Even after divorce, we were still connected through our children, the homes we owned, and our business. Thus, we were forced to stay in close contact even when we didn’t really want to be around one another. I know other women with similar stories. Unfortunately, the ex-woman usually still has some sort of advantage, like it or not. Ladies, these situations are dangerous for your heart. It is critically important that you listen closely, as Shanae suggested. Pay attention to his answers as well as his body language. Also pay attention to how he talks to her on the phone and how he treats you in her presence.
3) Describe your ideal woman
Shanae
Ask him to describe his ideal or dream woman. If he describes someone that isn’t you, let him go. This means he would be settling and your relationship will not last. When he finds that ideal person, he will move on to her. Do you remember the guy Mark that I talked about in previous chapters? Well, I was so in love with Mark. He could sing, he was attractive, and he was attentive. Mark was super sexy and had everything I wanted in a man. I assumed I was his type (he asked me for my number) until I asked him to describe his ideal woman: “The first girl I ever had sex with was white. Since then, white women have been my preference.” At that very moment I realized that I was a woman that he liked and cared for, but he didn’t see me the same way that I saw him. His preference was someone that I was not, and could never be, if I had only asked
sooner. Everything that I am telling you, I learned the hard way. If only one person reads this and learns from it, then this book has done its job.
Rhonda
A very good friend of mine shared a story with me that adds creditability to the importance of this question. In looking at the type of women her ex-husband dated when they broke up (typically white or Hispanic), and in reading some of the online profiles he posted on Internet dating sites, she said she was shocked to discover he was attracted to women of other races, shapes, and ages none of which resembled her. She said to me, “I was shocked to learn that his age preference was anywhere from thirty to forty-two, his race preference ranged from no preference to Latin and white, and he solicited women with specific physical attributes like “athletic.” None of those descriptors described my friend. So this lovely African American, medium-built woman who was in her mid-forties was left to wonder if her ex-husband always had those desires, or did he simply develop them after they broke up? It could be that he always loved her like she was at that time, then changed. Who really knows? Either way, you see the importance of asking questions in the beginning, particularly this one.
4, 5, 6) Do you want kids? Do you have children?
How often do you see them?
Shanae
Whether you have children or not, these questions tell you a lot about the man that you are dating. From these short questions, you will be able to determine if he is responsible, if he is proud of his family (whether the kids where planned or not), and if he is selfish and thinks the world rotates around him. If he says he doesn’t have any kids, then go to the next question.