Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man?

by Shanae Hall, Rhonda Frost

Johnny, a coworker of mine always says women want too much. It appears that way to men because we vocalize every concern and want. While men tend to express only their longing to have the bare minimum met. Great sex and a good meal is all they need to survive; everything else is icing on the cake. Some women have the ability to make everything a big deal. Most women want to be loved by their partner, some women are emotional. Most women tend to translate love and affection as a man’s desire to want to be with her and be around her. As women, we feel loved when our men are aware of our needs and meet them without being told. How sexy is it when your man is in your car, hears a weird noise, and tells you to drive his car until he can get yours fixed? Or when he sees that your purse strap is about to break and he just shows up with a new purse. Not likely to happen too often, but to women, that says, “He loves me and he is aware of all my needs.”

  On the other hand, a man feels that he is showing you love when he works long, hard hours to provide for you and the family. In the book For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn states, “For a man, bringing home a paycheck is love talk, pure and simple. He has something to prove (‘I can take care of you, I am worthy of you’) and he wants to deliver” (p. 80). While it is our job and our duty to express appreciation for their hard work and effort, we must also remind them that the “needs” they deem important may not be on the same level of importance to us. I know we expect our men to read our minds, but what is basic, common sense to us is often a foreign language to them. Take a moment to outline your needs, and then find a good time to tell him (not after work). After sex is always a good time to ask for what you need or want, but make it quick; you might only have five minutes before he is in full REM sleep.

  All jokes aside, try setting aside time on his day off, after a really nice, home-cooked meal, or some other time when he is relaxed. Never try to talk to your man during a game—your words will fall on deaf ears.

  Chapter 10

  Knowing Your Place

  Shanae

  Before there was woman there was man. God deemed him to be wise enough to have “dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth” (Gen. 1:26; KJV). And then some time later God saw that Adam was lonely and said that it was not good for man to be alone. God trusted that the man he created, in his image, was capable of naming all life and tending to it. Yet, for some strange reason, women today don’t trust men to name their pets let alone, tend to the broken coffee table (believe me, I feel the same way at times). Where has the trust gone?

  If I learned one thing from my marriage and from all of my male friends, it’s that our men still need that trust from their women (or, as they call it, support, affirmation, loyalty). The truth of the matter is that most women don’t know what the hell it means to “be in your place.” I used to feel my place was any emotion I expressed at that time—hurt, anger, frustration—usually all negative emotions. In my mind, I could say anything I wanted to say, the way I wanted to say it. I never saw my parents communicate in a respectful manner. If there was a problem in our house, no one talked, and then both of my parents went out every night until the next argument. This endless cycle continued until they broke up.

  In addition to not knowing how to respectfully communicate with a man, particularly, when I was upset, I also didn’t understand and couldn’t relate to the burden that a man carries with him every day. Men carry the burden of being the primary breadwinner, knowing that their wife and kids are depending on them to make sure there is food on the table, and that the lights come on when they hit the light switch. My husband would always say, “You don’t know how it feels to get up and go to work every morning knowing that there is someone there ready to take your job.” I have heard this same statement from entertainers, pro-athletes, and corporate men. I always thought a man’s life was easy. It is the woman who has to give birth, wash clothes, cook, clean, take care of the kids, take care of the man, and work. And when we’re sick, there’s rarely anyone to take care of us (this is still a fact). As a woman, I can’t comprehend the worries and burdens of a man. I can’t even begin to pretend. What I do know, however, is that men and women have very different ways of looking at the world and at each other.

  Affirm

  Affirming your man is important. My ex-husband used to say he got more affirmation in the streets than he did at home. I interpreted that to mean he received more compliments from girls on the streets than he did from me. I would immediately become defensive, and my response was always, “Well, those chicks don’t live with you, so go get it from them!” He did. One of my male friends told me that affirming a man (e.g., “I’m so proud of you, baby,” “Good job,” “Thanks for taking caring of that today.”) was just as important as having sex with him (hard to believe but apparently true). I then began to realize how insecure and needy men really were. Although they don’t express it the way that women do, men want and need the same confidence-building words to come from their partners as women do.

  A celebrity friend of mine was getting ready to shoot a pilot for a cable network that he wrote and produced. On the first day of the shoot, he sent me a text that said, “Wish me luck.” I wrote back, “I would if I thought you needed it, but you are funny, talented, and extremely entertaining, so just go out there and be you.” His response was, “You’re right, thanks babe!” And then it hit me. No matter how much or how little a man makes, he needs that special someone to tell him, “I’m proud of you and you’re special to me.” Never assume that everyone tells him so he doesn’t need to hear it from you, too. You must put positive energy into him. If you don’t, someone else will.

  Support

  I used to think support meant believing in someone who didn’t know whether to wind their butt or scratch their watch. In other words, supporting someone who was just lost. I never understood why Cory would yell and scream that I didn’t support him. I thought, “Yeah, you’re right. I will never support stupidity.” What I didn’t realize was that the things that seemed simple and small to me could have made a big difference in the way that he felt about himself and about me. To a man, “support me” means “believe in me and trust that I am capable of doing some things correctly.” This may be as simple as letting him spend two hundred dollars trying to fix something that cost only thirty bucks to replace, but because he did it wrong the first two times it has become much more expensive. Or it may mean supporting his decision to quit his steady job, with a 401k and health benefits, in order to live out his dream of being an entrepreneur. I encountered both situations and both times I failed to be supportive in some way. One time my husband wanted to call an electrician out to change a fuse. The charge was about two hundred dollars. I went and bought the fuse for about ten dollars and changed it myself in three minutes. The problem was not that I did it myself. The problem was that when it was done I asked him, “Was that really too hard for you to do? You have all those muscles for nothing.” I seemed to make a habit of proving to him that I didn’t need him. This is where we, women, go wrong. Some of us don’t know how to let a man be a man.

  I made my man feel incapable. If something was broken, I tried to fix it before I paid someone to fix it. I am a very handy person, and it drove me crazy that he couldn’t fix things or was too lazy to fix things around the house. Instead of nagging him about his inability to fix things, I could have handled it differently. I didn’t have to add to his insecurities.

  SEX

  Next, but probably the most important to a man, is sex. So many of my married, male friends ask me what to do to get their wives to have sex with them more often, and without them always having to initiate it. I have a good friend who plays in the NFL who called me and said, “Shanae, what else can I do? I leave her notes in the fridge telling her I love her. I send gifts to the house while I’m away, but she still doesn’t want to have sex with me.” “Why do you think that she is going to have sex with you now?�
�� I replied. “You said she didn’t give you any before the baby or before the ring.” “I thought she was holding out until we got married,” he said. “I told you before you married her, most women who like to have sex don’t just have sex every two months, waiting for the wedding day. It’s all or nothing,” I stated. He asked, “What should I do?” I replied, “You have to tell her like you’re telling me.”

  I am not sure how some women expect to keep a happy home when their man can’t get any relief at home. I mean that literally. I interviewed one of the managers at my bank. He said it had been eighteen months since he had intercourse with his wife. He lives with her and he sees her every day. How is that possible? Often sex with his woman is all it takes to change the entire course of a man’s day or week. Giving your man sex is one of your roles as his woman, but don’t do it out of duty. It makes a huge difference if you want it just as bad as he does, and if you initiate it. This will definitely be an ego-builder for him.

  No Talking about Your Other Man to Your Guy

  A common no-no that women seem to do all the time is to try to make their man jealous. Every time you mention another man’s name or what he has done for you, you put doubt and insecurities in your man’s head. And as sure as the day is long, all those insecurities will come back to haunt you. My friend Mark recently told me that when a woman complements another man in front of her man all he hears is “she wants to have sex with him.” I hope that not all men are that insecure but I am starting to believe it’s true. So watch what you say (unless you don’t want to be with the guy anymore).

  Know Your Role

  It is important for you to know and understand your position in his life. Are you wifey, girlfriend, girlfriend on the side, or booty call? Once you know your role then you can decide to quit or stay on the team. If you decide to stay, you must view your current relationship title as a job title. With every job title, there are certain requirements and expectations that need to be met in order to keep your job. If you go above and beyond the call of duty, you are likely to be promoted. On the flip side, if you are only doing the bare minimum in order to get by, you can be putting yourself in position to be demoted (this applies to the man or the woman). In addition to knowing your job title and responsibilities, you must also know what you want from the man you’re dealing with and know your worth. With a clear understanding of your job title and responsibilities, work to the best of your ability and within the parameters you have established. If that role doesn’t work for you, or if you’ve determined through a re-evaluation of your worth and your standards that you deserve something better, you have the choice of moving on or communicating what you want and seeing if he is ready to accept the change. If not, then you absolutely must do what you have to do to bring yourself respect and joy. It is your time and your life.

  Rhonda

  As I mentioned earlier, in my former career, I was promoted every two or three years. I was on a very fast, professional track. My husband and I worked for the same corporation at that time, and, in fact, he started about a year before I did. I was driven. I studied the people, the corporation, and the various management positions with a goal to achieve each one, and I did exactly that. I tested well, interviewed well, and got the jobs I wanted. My husband was promoted only twice in the same fifteen-year period, whereas I was promoted seven or eight times. My ego soon became a huge obstacle in getting through the doors of our home. My position became who I was; I was defined by my job title. It was my greatest ally and my worst enemy. I was a former teen mom now making almost $100,000 a year. Talk about ego!

  This is where I began to lose my place in my home. I forgot my role, and he began to suffer inside, which came out as anger and resentment. While I didn’t understand any of this at the time, I most certainly do now.

  I realize the title of this chapter, “Knowing Your Place,” could be a bit offensive for some. Those who become offended are often the “independent women who don’t need a man for nothing, except some of that good lovin’.” But for the rest of us, grown enough to see that title and courageous enough to read through it, let’s see what it means.

  There were many times in my life when I didn’t know my place. I hadn’t considered my place nor had I been taught anything about it. I was independent, and I felt my place was to continuously remind men that I could do everything on my own. My place was to tell them “I don’t need you,” and to caution the man in my life that other men wanted me just as much as he did, if not more, and that he was expendable.

  In my mind, I was “the bomb,” so my behavior, words, and actions (or inaction) were a reflection of my attitude. The real problem was that deep down, I didn’t believe in my own worth. I felt it necessary to make my man feel insecure, or less than a man, in order to feel better about myself. Out of ego, pain, insecurity, and sometimes dissatisfaction with his progress, I would chide him about any shortcomings he had and make him feel bad about them. Sometimes it was about him not making enough money, or not changing the oil in my car, or the sex that we had earlier in the day that lasted only ten seconds. My mouth and behavior were detrimental to some relationships. Back then, I felt it was my place to “check” my man and then demonstrate that whatever he could do, I could do better.

  I didn’t fully understand the importance of support, respect, or patience. I didn’t know that you could still have a voice and be heard without being demeaning and disrespectful. I was a wife without training or skills. If you happen to have a good man who shows his love and devotion to you, maintains the household, and shows care for you and the family, then allow him to be a man. Thank him for bringing home his check, for spending time with the kids, for repairing things, for keeping the lights on, and for making sure there’s food on the table. Women, if the goal is to have a solid, loving relationship with our men, then as women, we must learn our proverbial places, which may change according to the person, the situation, or the times. We must also understand how our actions, words, and reactions can impact our relationships. While being strong and humble yourself, respect him for getting his and doing the right thing. Remember, for those who deserve it, we need to show respect, support, and encouragement, as well as become that inspiration they so desire and need.

  Chapter 11

  Goodies Have Power,

  So Use Them Wisely

  Shanae

  I’m going to keep this chapter short, sweet, and to the point. From the beginning of time, a woman could get a man to wage war on an entire country if he wanted her bad enough. When my friend Johnny and I talked about the women he dated, he would say, “The only thing worse than her giving me some is giving me some.” He finished his thought by saying, “Unless I really like you, after I get the goodies four or five times, what else do you have to offer?” And I thought, “He is just mean, that certainly can’t be how all guys think.” So one night I was talking to my boy Mark and he said, “The reality is that women are giving it up way too easily these days.” My argument was that he’s a celebrity, so that doesn’t count. Girls feel like they’re getting a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have sex with a star. I asked LT, who is a personal trainer, and he said the same thing. Women pay him to train them and then next thing you know, his clients end up butt naked on the leg extension machine.

  This is mind-blowing to me. Why would I let a man into my body without some effort on his part to make me feel special? By special, I mean dinner, movies, gifts, money, spa treatments, quality time, and so on. All of this is at your fingertips when the man you are dating is trying to get some, and every man you talk to is trying to get some, even your “friends.”

  I will tell you from personal experience, holding out sucks. It can be very hard at times, especially if you don’t already have someone on hand who has already earned the right to the goodies. Making your man spend money and time to get the goodies doesn’t make you a gold digger, it makes you smart. Most men you encounter don’t even deserve to smell the goods, much less try them. If yo
u make a man wait long enough, he will give away his whole motivation. It normally only takes about three dates. Make a list of all the things you want your man to do or all the things you want to know about him before you give him some and stick to it. Your list will help you establish consistency, but you will see that being a woman with rules and standards can be a lonely plight. Trust me. It’s eleven o’clock on Saturday night, and it’s me, a bottle of wine, and my computer. Good luck!

  Rhonda

  I have been the woman who gave up the goodies too soon, sometimes with regret and a tinge of sadness. I gave up the goodies on the second date with my ex-husband, but, we fell in love and I married him. I’ve also tried the infamous three-month wait time, in another situation but that relationship still didn’t last. So what is the right time frame? Who really knows? In truth, holding out on the goodies simply allows you time to get to know the man and see his character before giving him all of you. During this time, you will find out if he is thoughtful, kind, generous, fun, and if he really cares about you.

  These are things that you should want to know. During the wait period, you may also want to ask the right questions and spend lots of quality time. Again, not all guys are going to be honest, but it’s worth it to ask. Perhaps if you wait long enough, you will be able to determine if he is even worthy of being in your space. In addition, you will have shown respect for yourself, causing him to respect you even more. I didn’t say he would like it, but you may find the more you control the desire, the better things will be in the long run. I can personally attest to this!

  Part

  Three

  Key is Confidence

  Chapter 12

  Finding Yourself

  Shanae