Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man?

by Shanae Hall, Rhonda Frost

  We would like to build you up and tell you there is some magic dust, potions, or lotions to mesmerize that man you met at the comedy show or sports bar that will lead him straight into your arms in a trance and under your womanly control. We would also like to tell you that if you stay in shape, maintain your beauty by sipping on juice from the fountain of youth, go to church, stop drinking those Patron shots and cussing so much, he will adore you and remain faithful til death do you part. Some will lead you to believe that if you scavenge the earth to “find” a man, then learn to “understand” his messed up thoughts and mood swings, and follow the yellow brick road to Oz, you can get a man to do all those things and more. We too believe that there are steps to take in order to get the most from your man or a man you like, but it has nothing to do with mind games, or thinking like a guy.

  It has to do with something you already possess.

  This is a three step process:

  1. Getting a Man’s Attention

  2. Earning Your Man’s Respect

  3. Getting Him to Commit

  Getting a Man’s Attention

  This one really isn’t hard. Men are drawn to women. They are drawn to the natural physical us, meaning our clothes, smile, style, and bodies. Not rocket science stuff. But also to something that is almost unexplainable but very real, it’s that thing called aura or energy. Chemistry also has something to do with it, and those things are derived from something deeper inside of you.

  The truth is everything begins with you, the God in you and how much you recognize it. That becomes what you project into the world and to the men you meet. You, yes you, dear one, have all the power, all the tools and the magic to make it happen. It really has nothing to do with how much money you have in your account, what your size is, or how many kids you have. If you project confidence and self-love, it will show in how you walk, what you say, and how you say it. Men will see it the moment you walk through the door and open your mouth. In an instant, you will have their attention. This is always the first step.

  I can’t count how many times I have been in a place where women as well as men have come up to me and told me “you don’t even recognize the light that is around you” or “your smile is infectious.” That is a light that comes from a source greater than me. I just do me the only way I know how. When I am out, I dance like there’s no tomorrow. I listen to my music and sing like I have a voice. When I talk to people, I listen intently and smile. My connection with those around me is genuine. I want them to know I hear and see them. I do this because I want to listen for the truth in them. The Bible also gives us insight to this phenomenon, as it says “Do not let your adornment be merely outward-arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” (KJV, 1 Peter 3:3) Some ladies can walk in a room and time seems to stand still. People stop whatever they are doing and stare. It’s not so much because of her outer beauty, because there are beautiful women everywhere. There is something more. She can be in the back corner of a room just talking and minding her business and before you know it, she is surrounded by men and women who find themselves sharing their whole lives and personal experiences and laughing with her til the sun comes up. Now I am not naïve here; we all know that physical beauty can draw people in but that intangible beauty is far more powerful. It is in the way she wears her skin. It is in her smile, the swagger of her hips, and the laughter she freely expresses. She lives in the very moment. Men are drawn to it everywhere she goes. Yet at the same time, she establishes that if you disrespect her by making some crass sexual innuendo, or off-color joke, she doesn’t hesitate for a second to let a man know, the joke is on him and that he is in the presence of a woman. The boundaries are set instantly.

  This “light” I speak of is in all of us. We had to find ours again after sorting through our baggage, and rising up from the ashes that was our previous lives. Getting a man’s attention is easy, once you know who you are and who you are not. Keeping a man’s attention is a matter of first having your standards in order so that you attract the kind of man you really want and by staying true to you. Being the same woman you presented when you first met him is what will likely keep him near.

  Getting Your Man’s Respect

  Respect is something you establish from the beginning. Along the way in our book, we have given you examples of behavior that led to us disrespecting ourselves and that allowed men to follow suit. If you have cleared your baggage, visualized your man, asked the twelve questions, challenged yourself to take better care of your body, mind, and spirit, finding and keeping a man’s respect is a given.

  You have control over what and who you allow in your life. Men will know it when you talk, they will hear it in the way you answer their questions and respond to their touch. Violators must be held accountable, instantly. Meaning if a guy comes up to you at a party, restaurant, or at the gym and even slightly insinuates something sexual, it is your job to tell him, “I don’t know you, I find your comment offensive, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t speak that way in my presence again.” The conversation will continue with an apology from him and continued respectful conversation or he will head on out the door. Either way, you win. Respect is established. You have to remain consistent in your message throughout the relationship and in return, he will stay within those boundaries.

  Getting Him to Commit

  As you well know, this is our ultimate goal. We want commitment and monogamy. Well, at least most of us do. Getting the man to commit is not something in your power; that is his decision alone. Don’t let anyone tell you anything different. You can’t make a man marry you or commit. He has to want it. All you/we can do is be the best you, learn from lessons and follow the steps which we discussed in the previous chapters, the rest is left up to chemistry, timing, and God. Don’t be fooled by any other advice.

  The bottom line is: Men choose us. We on the other hand, choose who we allow in and under which conditions we accept him. A man will commit only when he is ready, willing, and able. You are powerless over that decision but are powerful over the rest of the process. I shared with you the story of Mr. Alabama in the single man’s chapter. Well after months and months of the roller coaster ride of love that didn’t work for me, I got off the ride and retreated. I re-established who I was, we had the straight talks, told him what I needed and wanted and that because he didn’t offer that to me, I had to go. I told him I could no longer accept what he was giving. I changed my number and went about my life. He found me and connected with me again on Facebook, and demonstrated a whole other side of him that was humble, non-ego driven, and loving. He apologized for not appreciating me.. Then a few months later, he asked me in a sweet nonchalant way, “When will you marry me?” Wow, this is coming from the guy who was “not looking for anything” and who was anti-commitment. Like I said, men choose us, we have to send the right message, know our worth, and set boundaries that give us our best advantage, then when they come ready, we get to say “yes” on terms that work for us and within guidelines that will ensure success and longevity. It always boils down to establishing what you need and want through direct communication, being honest, not settling for sub par answers or treatment and holding men accountable.

  (FYI I told Mr. Alabama I would get back to him on the marriage question.)

  Chapter 15

  What Men Need

  to Know

  Rhonda

  If relationship trends continue as they are going, our world will soon be filled with more bitter black women and droves of angry white women hurling golf clubs through SUV windows, than society is prepared to handle. There will also be women of all races walking around with walls around their hearts, disconnected from both their inner and outer beauty. Such women will continue to give away their bodies without thinking twice, and aimlessly seek to find love in all the wrong places. Such relation
al peril places the idea of solid, loving relationships on the brink of extinction.

  Some men say, “It seems that women are always trippin’.” Other men ask, “Why do sistas always act like they have a chip on their shoulders?” And who hasn’t heard that infamous male quote, “All y’all just crazy!” Men need to know that, in many ways, they are the creators of this madness and the source of the lack of trust, ongoing doubt, and fear in many women. They are the reason why we sometimes look the other way when we see them out at the mall or in the office. They are the reason why some of us avoid relationships completely. They are also the reason why we scroll through cell phones, read e-mails, and search through pants pockets, seeking anything we can find to validate or invalidate alleged stories about where they were, who they were with, and what they were doing. Men created this mess! That’s right, I said it, now read on.

  Typically, I am not big on playing the blame game. I think individuals should take responsibility for their own feelings, happiness, and fears and for keeping things relatively lighthearted and positive. But for this chapter, I have to keep it real, exposing some of the dark secrets, and harsh reality, in an effort to give men a glimpse of how we got here so they can see their part in our demise.

  Guys, listen up; and ladies, try to gain a deeper understanding from what we are about to discuss. I am not a behavioral expert. I write the following information from personal experience and from real stories that have been shared with me along the way.

  When we came into the world, as precious little girls, we didn’t have doubts or trust issues. We didn’t have a chip on our shoulders. We didn’t have golf clubs. And most of us weren’t angry. We had innocent thoughts and dreams. We grew up believing in the fairy tale of a good job, a good husband, a nice home, and a few children. In the lives of many young girls, their first encounter with a man was usually in their homes, whether it was with their biological dad, step-dad, uncles, brothers, or grandfathers. These relationships provided a first and often lasting impression about the roles of men in their lives. In some households, there were fathers who set wonderful examples of responsibility, integrity, natural, healthy affection, spiritual guidance, education goals, and pure love. For too many young women (me included), this was not the reality. For too many girls, there were men who violated childhood innocence through the horrific experience of molestation, instilling a mixture of shame, distorted views on sex, and pain. Other households gave us men who fathered daughters and sons, then left the mother and kids to fend for themselves, creating a lack of trust, and questions of one’s ability to rely or depend on men thereby inadvertently creating what we call, “the strong black woman” or “women who wear the pants” in the house. And you ask why some women act like they don’t need a man. It’s not because they don’t want one, it’s because they have been accustomed to carrying the family on their backs too many times for too many years. They had no choice but to make a way out of no way; they had to do their job and the man’s job, too. Yet, it’s all they knew. Then there are men who abuse women both physically and emotionally, and feel it is their duty to demoralize, hit, or belittle women at every opportunity, creating more shame, fear, low self-esteem, and doubt. There are men who stalk women, men who go to park trails and climb through home windows to rape women, with the sole intent of causing harm.

  On the other end of the spectrum, we have the Tiger Woods’ of the world, the Michael Jordan’s, the Mr. MF’s, the cable guy, the office managers, the politicians, the unemployed men who run about aimlessly, without precaution or concern, scouring the Internet, the clubs and streets, searching for that next woman (or man on the down low), sticking his manhood in everything with an entry point, whether they are in a committed relationship or not. Is it any wonder things are as they are?

  So, before another man approaches a woman, he should think about this. Think about the facts and know that, sometimes, women are the walking wounded, and some of us find it impossible to believe in anything coming out of men’s mouths—and justifiably so. I am not suggesting that men should go through their lives suffering on any level from a woman’s past or that women should carry baggage the rest of their lives and blame people for their unhappiness. Men need to know that the guys of a woman’s past may affect her current views. But if a man really intends on going to the next level with his woman, that is, the mind, spirit, and emotional level, then he should make it a priority to work with his woman and help her move through her issues. Give her reason to trust. Ladies, go back and read the chapter on Understanding Your Baggage, and if you can see any of what I said in yourself, then my advice would be to get some help, go to therapy, or read some self-help books. You can have a brighter future. Your future does not have to be like your past. Just as men have contributed to our breakdown, they have to be contributors to our rise and mending.

  Dating and Money

  Men need to stop thinking with double standards. From the moment you meet us, you want something. From the very first moment, after you have checked out our bodies, teeth, hair, and clothes, you have already begun to process what you want and need from us. So stop acting offended if we want something from you in return. There is an old school saying that goes “there’s no romance without finance.” Someone came up with that for a reason. In this day and age, you can’t date without having money. So, if you don’t have your chips together, stay home until you do. No hard feelings.

  Now, I have a rhetorical question on this same note: Can someone please explain to me why some men will take a woman on an expensive date, buy several rounds of drinks, a wonderful lobster and prime rib dinner then agree to spend a couple hundred dollars on a room at the end of a night without flinching? But if the same woman says to that man, “Baby, instead of doing all that tonight, won’t you let me have that same amount of money to use toward bills or to go shopping?” He turns and looks at the woman like she just shot the sheriff, asked for his liver, and ordered his legs to be cut off. Or worse, he doesn’t call her anymore or answer her e-mails. WTF??!! Before the request for money, she’s referred to by endearing names such as “angel,” “beautiful,” and soon to be “wifey.” After the request, she is a stranger. Huh? That is some poppycock! That is always a clear sign that he is not genuine.

  Intimacy/Sex

  Kissing is relevant and important to the relationship. It is sexy foreplay and intimate. Please learn to do it right— gently and with passion. Slobbering all over a woman’s lips and face ain’t it. Brush your teeth and keep gum handy, and try to visit the dentist from time to time. Some folks still don’t get it.

  We have discussed penis size a few times in the book. If you ask, “Does size matter?” The answer is, “YES!” A good size is a very good thing. However, if you weren’t endowed with that gift, then shamelessly work everything else you have. Be great at stimulating a woman’s body from head to toe so that no matter what, when you are ready, she will be ready, too.

  Oral Sex

  If you don’t know what you are doing, don’t care enough to do it right, or plan to do two seconds down there and get up calling it foreplay, save us the trouble and frustration. There are books, movies, and female friends— all of which can help you understand how it is supposed to work.

  Fifty-Second Sex

  Okay, fellas, come on now. At what point does this exercise in futility stop? Get it together. Learn how to get this under control. Women are getting tired of having to say, “Honey, it’s okay, I understand; there’s nothing to be ashamed of.” We are also tired of hearing you say, “That’s never happened to me before.” You and I both know that’s a lie! Work on controlling your premature ejaculation (PE). Watch videos, take classes, meditate, or pray about it, but correct it by any means necessary. We both are in this thing together and we want to arrive at the same time, most of the time.

  Other Important Things

  Communication

  Learn to talk and learn to listen! There are plenty of resources that relate to women and
talk about women. You can use these as enlightenment. Life is short. Make it memorable. We love men who can talk about a variety of topics, who listen when we speak, and who are fun. Grown women need this from you.

  Stay in Shape

  Just like you want us to try and keep it together, or are quick to judge us if we gain weight, you need to do the same. Don’t sit back and tell me I need to lose weight and you can’t even see your toes or you got those jelly rolls in the back of your head. Enough already! If anything, we can work out together. But, before you start to criticize the woman in your life, evaluate yourself. Women are always more accommodating and forgiving in this area. We don’t have to be forgiving; guys are merciless about our bodies and judge us without limitations. Be Real. Be all the way real.

  This may be a repeat of something you have read earlier, but it is so necessary, I want to break it down and say it again. MEN, if you already know you are prone to cheating or don’t plan to be with one person, say this:

  Baby girl, I like you and I think you are great, however, I am single and I love being single. We can go out and have a good time but there may be nights I don’t come home, weeks when I don’t see you, and times when I don’t call. I plan to have sex with as many women as I can and I may not use a condom. During these times, I don’t want to be harassed by you, no repeat telephone calls, no questions, and no drama. I am just doing me, and I will need you to understand. When I feel like it, I will call you and be back to take you out. We will make love and spend some time together. If that works for you, then cool. Let’s do it. If not, then let me know now.