So Many Roads to Choose

by Kathleen Ball

  She cried out but only loud enough for him to hear, and after a bit, she slept a good while. Greg pulled up in front of the house. He helped Freddie down first and told him to make a fire. Next, he did the same with Carlos, telling him to get the cook stove going.

  Juan and Greg helped to carry the rest in. Then they both got in the wagon to help lift Lynn off Smitty. It was hard, and they worked slowly, trying not to hurt her. But it was near impossible and her cries were horrific to hear.

  Smitty was standing on the ground and the boys handed her down to him. She looked so fragile and his stomach dropped. He hoped he hadn’t done the wrong thing by moving her and bringing her home.

  He carried her inside and set her down on the mattress one of the children had put in front of the fireplace. There was a chill in the house, but it would heat fast enough. As soon as it was warm, he fashioned a curtain so he could bare her back in private.

  He washed each lash with warm water and was happy that nothing looked to be infected yet. The bleeding had stopped. He took her flannel gown and carefully put it on her. She’d be more comfortable, he was sure.

  After everyone was fed, he made sure they were warm in their beds before he went back to Lynn. He lifted the blankets and edged in beside her. His life would have been worthless if he hadn’t found her. Thank God she hadn’t married that man yet. They had left him tied up but if he tried hard enough he’d be able to free himself. Edgar Page had better have enough sense to never show his face around these parts.

  Chapter Eight

  Lynn felt so comfortably warm with Smitty lying with her. Her eyes opened wide. Goodness! What had he been thinking sleeping with her? She lay still and out of the corner of her eye, she saw the privacy curtain. She also heard Eli and Jed talking with the children. Everyone would know what a terrible failure of a mother she was.

  The door opened, bringing in the cold, and she heard Mike’s voice. Mortified, she decided to get up and face the men, but Smitty whispered in her ear to go back to sleep. The brothers could take care of the children.

  “Brian?”

  “I’m sure they’ll bring him by in a bit. Let me hold you, Lynn. I almost lost you. Go back to sleep, my love.”

  Her heart warmed at his words my love. She moved slowly until her head was on his chest, and with a yawn she fell back to sleep.

  The next thing she knew, Brian too was on Smitty’s chest staring at her. She closed her eyes, and Brian tried to pry them open. She couldn’t help but smile. A rumble started in Smitty’s chest and then his hearty laugh erupted, making Brian giggle.

  In a mere second, she saw they were surrounded by all the family. Every single one of them. She couldn’t turn her head all the way to see their expressions, but she was sure they disapproved. Children lived in this house. Pushing up on Smitty’s clothed chest she heard him grunt as she cried out.

  Mike easily lifted her to her feet and held on to her as she swayed.

  Her face burned. “I can only imagine what you all must be thinking of me, and I’m as embarrassed and sorry as can be. Someone like me is not what you want on your ranch. I don’t know how it all happened. I thank you, Smitty, for rescuing me, but I know you don’t want to be tied down.” Pulling away from Mike, she spotted her cape draped over a chair, picked it up, and fought through the pain as she wrapped herself in it and went outside. She stepped away to the side of the house, and while holding on, she bent and was sick.

  Her body shook as if telling her to go back and lie down, but she had to ignore it. She could relax now. The kids were safe and she didn’t have to fear that Edgar would whip them. She had memorized Smitty’s letter to her, and her heart sank as she silently recited it. He wanted to be free. She’d just caused him a whole lot of trouble having to come get her. But he did come and he acted loving toward her. Her heart and head had no idea what was going on anymore.

  She bent over again and emptied her stomach. She really didn’t need a man. She had a small amount of money. She could build a house. She should be able to get a land grant. Maybe one close but not too close to Smitty.

  A wave of dizziness overtook her, and she fainted where she stood and woke in Smitty’s strong arms. He was muttering something about her not using the brains God gave her.

  “I’m sorry to put you to so much trouble.” The pain in her back was excruciating, and she had to clench her teeth to keep from screaming.

  “I have some laudanum inside. I’ll get it for you and you’ll be able to fight through the pain.”

  “I was just sick—”

  “I know. Don’t you worry. I’ll take care of everything.” He kicked the door twice, and Jed opened it.

  “What happened?” Jed asked.

  “She was sick. Eli, could you put the mattress back on her bed? Amy, could you make up the bed?” Smitty held her a bit closer to him. “Juan and Carlos, can you go to my cabin and get my clothes and stuff? I’ll be moving in here.”

  “I-I don’t get a say?” It took a lot of effort for her to talk.

  “No you don’t. I’m in charge here until you’re back on your feet,” Smitty said with a glint of satisfaction in his eyes.

  “What’s that frown for?” he asked.

  “I was just thinking the women at church knew me better than I knew myself.”

  Smitty raised his right brow as he stared at her.

  Talking was beyond her at the moment, and all she could do was sigh loudly. He’d taken what she said all wrong. She could see it in his eyes. He thought she’d lain with Edgar.

  “Bed’s all made,” Amy announced. She always had happiness beaming from her. What was it like to be always happy?

  Smitty carried Lynn in and gently sat her on the bed.

  Lily stepped forward. “I’ll take it from here.”

  The exchanged looks infuriated Lynn. They all thought Lily would be the perfect one to talk to her since Lily had been captured by Indians. She watched as one by one the adults left, each giving her a sympathetic smile.

  “Did you want to lean against the pillow or just sit as you are?” Lily asked.

  “I’ll sit this way for a bit. I wasn’t raped or taken advantage of. I know that’s what they want you to talk with me about.”

  Lily took her hand, gave it a gentle squeeze, and dropped it. “That’s not the only thing that can happen. I’ve seen it all and was always frightened it would happen to me next. It’s hard to talk about especially to people who don’t know what it’s like to be tortured.”

  “I wasn’t tortured.”

  Lily tilted her head and remained quiet for a bit. “Being whipped is torture. Making threats about the children is torture. Making you shovel snow with your back pouring blood is torture. You did nothing to deserve such treatment. You are the kindest woman I know. Don’t put any of this on yourself.”

  A tear spilled down onto Lynn’s face. “But you must see it is my fault. I foolishly believed Edgar’s marriage proposal. I thought everything he told me in his letters was the truth, and I led the children into hell. The man is Satan. So yes, it is my fault. Smitty didn’t want me anymore, and I guess I panicked. It was selfish of me, but for the life of me, I don’t think I could have managed to see Smitty with another woman without breaking.”

  “You were torturing yourself with your thoughts before Edgar abused you. It hasn’t been an easy few months for you. I know you planned to marry Smitty and raise these delightful children together. I know he still plans to help raise them. You have to allow yourself to know that none of it is your fault.” Lily took a deep breath. “The good part is you are home. I know you and Smitty will work things out. That man loves you.”

  Tears flowed down Lynn’s face. She didn’t even have to say anything. She pointed to her dresser, and Lily found a handkerchief. “I’ll stay until I’m healed up, and then I’ll see. Spring will come with new possibilities.” She hiccupped. “Can you ask Smitty for the laudanum? I appreciate all you’ve said, Lily. Thank you.”

  L
ily smiled. “I’d hug you but I know it would hurt you. Don’t worry, I’ll be back.” She left the room.

  Lynn broke down and wept. The tears wouldn’t stop, and she didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t control her emotions and Smitty would be in soon. Why couldn’t the floor just swallow her up?

  Smitty walked in and closed the door.

  She wanted to tell him they couldn’t be in there with the door shut, but the words wouldn’t come. Her throat hurt, and still her tears fell.

  Smitty opened the laudanum and gave her a spoonful. He put the cap back on the bottle and placed it and the spoon on her dresser. Without a word, he took off his boots and got into the bed from the other side. Slowly he positioned her exhausted body so she was on her stomach with head and upper body on his chest. He stroked her hair.

  Lynn concentrated on his heartbeat and the feeling of his hand on her hair. Slowly she calmed and her tears stopped. She hoped for the oblivion of sleep, but it seemed that Smitty didn’t give her enough laudanum to make her sleep, just enough to calm her. She stretched out her arm, grasped his powerful shoulder, and held on to it.

  “I can hear your heart beating,” she murmured.

  “I hope it’s beating a bit slower than it was when I first walked in here. I’ve seen you weep a few times in your life, Lynn, but this was the worst. You look so lost and hopeless. You’re not, you know. You’re neither lost nor hopeless. Let’s enjoy being in each other’s arms while we can.” He kissed the top of her head and she felt cherished.

  Her husband John hadn’t made her feel the same way. It was a rare indeed. She sniffled. No more crying. She needed to do what was best for the children. Right now, for this winter, she’d stay put, but she’d spend her time looking at other options. She wanted to turn her head and kiss his clothed chest but she didn’t have the energy. She closed her eyes.

  “I don’t care what we have to do. Ma deserves to be happy. She needs the same as us. She needs to know she has a forever home,” Juan said.

  Smitty closed the bedroom door behind him. “She’s sleeping. Don’t worry, Juan, Ma has a forever home. She’s feeling bad she dragged you all to Edgar’s house. She really believed every word he wrote to her. I’ll tell you all a secret.”

  Everyone leaned in his direction.

  “I’m going to take it nice and slow, but I plan on marrying your ma. Just don’t tell her that. She might get her back up, and then she’ll never say yes. Let’s just act like a family. I’ll sleep my cabin and we’ll go from there.” He picked up Brian who laughed. “Now mum’s the word. Can I count on you?”

  The little ones all shook their heads solemnly. The older ones nodded and smiled, and Jed, Eli and Lily nodded in agreement.

  “No obvious ways of leaving us alone. I’ll find enough moments for us. Also no sly exchanges of smirks or smiles. Lynn catches on fast. I know we’re meant for each other. Now she just needs to know it.” He looked each in the eye. “Can I count on you?”

  “You got it,” said Mike. “Seems like you have things under control. We’ll head out and check the herd.”

  “You take care of her,” Lily said as she put her cloak on.

  They left, letting a cold blast of air in. Brian toddled over to Smitty and raised his arms above his head. “Pa Pa, love Brian?”

  Smitty thought his heart would melt as he picked the small boy up and held him close. “Yes, Pa loves you and all the children.” He smiled. “Let’s bake a cake for Ma.”

  Scarlett and Cindy began to discuss what kind.

  “We’ll need eggs and milk,” Scarlett announced.

  “You men go out and get the eggs and milk and have them brought back quickly. Then you can visit with the horses for a while. After the chill of the last few days, I’d feel better if we spent most of the day inside.”

  Smitty watched with pride as all the boys developed serious expressions on their faces and left.

  Cindy placed a cup of coffee on the table. “Pa, relax and drink your coffee. It’s been long days for you, too.”

  “Thank you, Cindy. You’re very thoughtful.”

  Her pleased blush spread across her face, and she quickly helped Scarlett measure the ingredients for the cake.

  “I’m going to make stew too, Pa,” Scarlett told him.

  “You’re a wonder, gal. We’d be lost without you.”

  He smiled as she too looked pleased.

  Later that day, Smitty went in to check on Lynn. She must have felt his gaze. Her eyes opened and she smiled until she moved, then she winced.

  “Let me help you sit up for a bit. Scarlett made stew and then she and Cindy made you a cake. The boys gathered the eggs and milk they needed, and Brian had to be washed off I don’t know how many times. He likes batter and icing.”

  “A boy after my own heart. Thanks for the heads up. I’ll be sure to thank them. Thanks for staying with them today, Smitty. I’m sure I can handle it starting tomorrow.”

  He swallowed hard to keep from saying no outright. Instead, he smiled. “We have wonderful kids, don’t you think?”

  “I know we do. I expected at least one trouble maker.”

  Smitty laughed. “Brian is only two. There’s still time.”

  Lynn smiled widely, and her smile lit up the whole room. Moments later, she tried to move and her smile disappeared, but just knowing it was still inside her heartened him.

  “Tell you what. I’ll bring in the stew and then we’ll have cake. After that I’ll clean your wounds.”

  “How about a bath?”

  He stopped in his tracks, his mind whirling. He’d been able to hold back while tending her back and all, but a bath? “I…I’m—”

  There was merriment in her eyes. “The girls can help me then you can tend my back. I’m not trying to seduce you, Smitty. Even though I’m a widow, I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

  “I’ll get the stew,” he said as their gazes met and held. Just by Lynn glancing at him, he felt her pull. He took a deep breath and went to the kitchen. He then ladled the stew into a bowl and set it on a tray.

  “I’ll bring it in, Smitty,” Scarlett offered. “You sit, eat and relax for a bit.” She took the tray and went into Lynn’s room.

  Freddie tilted his head and frowned. “How long is Ma going to be hurting like that? If I’d been bigger I would have killed that no good son of a–”

  “Language!” Scarlett yelled from the bedroom.

  The twitching of Smitty’s lips was hard to control. “We don’t need to go around killin’ people. Live by the gun, die by the gun.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Aaron asked.

  Smitty opened his mouth but was cut off.

  “You kill someone, their family will come to kill you. Peaceful living is the way to go,” Greg explained.

  Juan shook his head. “Sometimes it doesn’t work out that way,” He said in a low voice and then continued to eat.

  Smitty glanced from Juan to Carlos watching them exchange a private look. These poor kids have been through enough. Most of it he didn’t even know about.

  After they ate the stew, they each had a piece of cake in Lynn’s room with her. Her face radiated as she looked from one child to another. She even laughed when Brian put his nose in Smitty’s icing.

  “Hey, Greg, give me a hand warming the bath water,” Smitty said after the cake was eaten.

  They both left Lynn’s room and grabbed two buckets each. They headed outside to the water pump and then they filled the buckets. Greg was starting to walk to the house when Smitty asked him to wait a minute.

  “There’s something you should know. That little gal you were sweet on, Sonia Wist. She up and married a cowhand. I just thought you should know. I’ll bring these two in. Take your time bringing in the other two pails. I’m sure it’s a blow.”

  Greg shook his head. “Thanks for telling me in private. I need to live life a bit more before I settle down. The way Mr. Page acted toward Ma made me think that you really
need to know a person before you marry them.”

  “You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, son.”

  They headed inside and heated the water. Smitty had Juan and Aaron carry the tub into Lynn’s room and as soon as steam rose off the water, Smitty knew he couldn’t put it off anymore. He poured three of the buckets into the tub, leaving one to rinse the soap off with. Then he grabbed a towel and some of the nice smelling soap Lynn always liked to use.

  He stood next to the bed and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’ll have to take off your gown and bandages. I wish I could leave it to Scarlett but she’s not able enough to do it without you being in a world of hurt.”

  A look of dawning came over her, and her face turned a dark shade of crimson. “Well you’ve seen my backside plenty lately. I’ll just hold the towel against the front of me.”

  “Works for me,” he said praying his words were true. Reaching down he carefully lifted up her gown until he had it off her. “Can you keep standing so I can take off the bandages or would you rather I lay you on the bed?”

  “Getting in and out of that bed is almost unbearable. I’ll hold on to the back of the chair.”

  “Here we go.” As gently as he could, he took off the bandages. A few were stuck to her skin with blood. He’d have to look at those closer after her bath. “Now to get you into the tub. I’ll put my hands under your arms and lift you up. You’ll need to stand in the tub and then I’ll lower you.”

  “I can do that.” She walked to the tub and waited.

  The sway of her hips had him swallowing hard. He got behind her and lifted, setting her into the tub. Then he gently lowered her. He saw more of her than he’d intended and gulped. “Um what did you do with the towel?”

  “I dropped it to the floor so it wouldn’t get wet.” She acted unaware that he had seen her naked.

  “I’ll send the girls in. You can soak your back but no scrubbing it. I want the scabs left on.”

  “Smitty?” Lynn’s voice was soft.

  “Yes?”

  “Thank you.”