So Many Roads to Choose

by Kathleen Ball

  Eli was walking toward the house when Smitty stepped outside. He shook his head, and Eli took off his hat and slapped it against his thigh.

  “I’m so sorry, Smitty. What can I do to help?”

  “I’ll need two coffins and the graves dug. I also need every piece of lye soap and old rags you can find. We need to scrub the place and burn our clothes. When we are done any extra blankets would be good. We’ll have to burn most of ours and for God’s sake don’t let anyone into town.” His voice cracked.

  “I already built the coffins. News from town is bad. So many have died, and they won’t allow anyone in or out.”

  “I’d call you morbid but you were right to build them. Bring them to the door. Lynn and I will put them in, and then I want the top nailed on straight away. Bury them without us or anyone else. The bodies could still carry the disease. We just don’t know. After we get the house cleaned, we’ll tell the children. They’re all right, aren’t they?”

  “They’re just fine. Rex and Owen have sworn off marriage and families of their own. I’ll take care of my nephews. We’ll bury them now and have the service in a few days. Wish I could give you a hug Smitty. I’ll be back with the coffins.”

  As he watched Eli walk away, Smitty swallowed hard. He was thankful that the fever had only taken two. It could have wiped out their whole family. Even so, his heart ached something fierce. How was he supposed to be there for Lynn when he felt so broken himself? Sighing, he went inside. He couldn’t leave her in there with the bodies.

  He left the door open and noticed that Lynn still hadn’t moved at all. She sat in the chair staring at the fire.

  “Lynn?” Smitty pulled a chair up next to her.

  She reached out her hand and he immediately took it. “If it weren’t for the other children I’d go off by myself and scream for a few days. I need to gather my wits. They’ll need us more than ever, Smitty.”

  “I know. Eli already made coffins.”

  “Wise of him. We’ll need lye soap and scrubbing brushes. I can’t allow the rest of our family in until every inch of this house is cleaned. Oh, my poor children. Have you heard how they are?”

  Smitty gave her a weak smile. “Owen and Rex never want to have families, so I’d say they were in fine form.”

  She returned his ghost of a smile. “Yes, it sounds like they are just fine.”

  They turned when they heard the coffins being put in front of the door. Sadly, they gazed at each other. They carried Freddie first and then Aaron and laid them in their coffins. Lynn put Freddie’s sling shot in with him, and the perfectly smooth round wooden ball Aaron had carved himself in with him.

  Smitty took the lids and hammered them closed. He stepped away and watched as Eli and Mike lifted the coffins into the back of a wagon.

  Mike stepped forward and took off his hat. “I’ll bury them with Ma and Pa. I’m so sorry.”

  Smitty felt his eyes tear. “Thank you.”

  “The soap and rags are next to the door. We’ll be up to check on you, and Susan said not to worry about cooking. She’ll send food up.”

  “Tell her thank you,” Lynn said softly. She bent and picked up the wooden crate full of soap and rags and went inside, immediately grabbed the bedding Freddie and Aaron had used and threw it out the door. “Smitty throw out the cloths we used to bath them. I’m going to change out of these clothes and have them burned too.”

  He gathered up things to burn. It felt good to be busy for the moment. He had clothes here, he’d might as well change too. Lynn hadn’t gone into her room so he went in and changed his clothes and carried his shirt. He wanted to scrub a bit of himself before he touched anything more.

  Lynn must have had the same idea. She was wearing jeans from one of the boys and she carried a shirt too. She looked to be scrubbing herself raw.

  He walked up behind her, reached around her, and washed his hands and arms. Then he took the cloth from her and dried her with a clean cloth. “Your skin is so red from the scrubbing. We’ll have to bathe when we are done.” If he looked over her shoulder he’d see a sight to behold, but he put her shirt on for her instead, leaving her to button it.

  If it had been a different time she’d had asked Smitty to hold her before he put his shirt on but her pain superseded any desire she might have felt. She heated a lot of water and grabbed all of her scrub brushes.

  She scrubbed and scrubbed herself into a stupor. She could hardly keep her eyes open but she needed her children to be able to come back.

  “Please go take a nap. I can continue.”

  She shook her head at Smitty. “This is helping me to say goodbye. I don’t know why but it is. We’re almost done and it’ll be nighttime soon. I don’t know about you but I plan on a hot, really hot bath. I want to be sure there is no way I can spread the fever. Actually you’re taking one too.”

  Smitty smiled. “I guess I’d best get more water heating.”

  “We’ve been heating water all day. I’ve never been so grateful the water pump is close to the house.”

  “I know what you mean.” Smitty put the tub in front of the fireplace and closed the windows.

  Lynn finished up and Smitty filled the tub for her. “You soak for a while, don’t scrub yourself too hard. I’m going to make a fire pit and burn the bedding and our clothes. I think the clothes we wore today can be boiled. What do you think?”

  “I want what we wore today burned too,” Lynn said.

  He sighed. “I suppose better to be safe. I’ll turn my back and you can throw your clothes at me when you get into the tub.”

  “Thank you Smitty. It’s been one of the hardest days of my life, and I’m glad you’re here.” She took off her clothes and rolled them into a ball and threw them right past Smitty so he wouldn’t have to turn around. She watched him gather them up and go outside without a coat. Hopefully, he’d make the fire quickly.

  She stepped into the steaming water and sat down. The water was hotter than she liked, but it was necessary. It felt good on her screaming muscles. A tear ran down her face. Here she was thinking the water was too hot and Freddie and Aaron would never feel water on them again. Life kept taking and taking from her.

  Grabbing the soap, she scrubbed herself and then washed her hair three times. She wanted to rail at God and blame him, but he’d given her the blessing of having Freddie and Aaron as her sons, even if it was for just a little while. Her head and her heart were discordant again. Her heart felt as though it had been ripped out and she’d never be whole again.

  She dried herself and put on her nightgown and tights. She needed to wash where her clothes had landed. She finished that and tried to pull the tub to empty it. The water was heated for Smitty. Burning blankets and clothes probably took a while.

  There was a knock on the door. She opened it a crack and when she saw it was Jed she opened it wider. “I’m here to empty the tub and get it ready for Smitty. He’s going to take his clothes off outside and walk straight to the tub. We thought you might want to go into one of the other rooms for a bit.”

  “Fine.” She went to turn but Jed took her into his arms and hugged her tight. “I’m so, so sorry. We’re all heartbroken too.”

  Not trusting her voice, she nodded. Jed let go and she ran to her room. She sat on the bed and listened to Jed emptying the tub and then filling it. She heard Smitty’s cry of shock when he took off his clothing in the snow. She almost smiled at the few curse words he used. She’d never heard a bad word from him before. Then she heard the sigh of contentment as he sank down into the tub. Perhaps not contentment.

  She stood and looked out the window to the dark sky. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the moon seemed bigger and brighter than before. The stars shimmered and any other night she would have thought it beautiful.

  “I forgot to get clean clothes!” Smitty yelled.

  She glanced at the sky again and shook her head. “I’ll bring you some.”

  He had clothes in the bottom drawer of the
chest in her room. She grabbed everything he’d need and walked toward the kitchen and stopped.

  “Don’t you want to cover yourself before I come any closer?”

  “We’re beyond that, don’t you think?” His voice was deep and it swept over her.

  “Smitty, don’t you dare take that attitude with me! I’ve kept myself to myself even when there have been times I’ve longed for you.”

  “You can come closer—”

  “Absolutely not!” She threw his clothes near the tub.

  “Lynn, I need a dry towel too. I have the towel you left out covering the front of me. It’s wet.” He sounded exasperated.

  “Oh. Well why didn’t you just say so?” She went to the linen shelf and plucked out a towel and then marched to the tub.

  “You know something? I’m beyond grief, yet here you are making me smile. You are a rare woman indeed.”

  His words chipped a small piece of ice that had wrapped itself around her heart. “Come to bed when you’re done here.”

  “I’m not that type of man.”

  “Oh, you! I need to be held,” her voice sounded quiet to her.

  He smiled then it faded. “I need to be held too.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Smitty opened his eyes when he heard the giggles and smiled. He put his finger to his lips since Lynn was still sleeping. His heart filled for that moment. The whole room was flush with love.

  He tickled her under her chin and she just pushed his hand away. He winked at the young’uns and did it again. This time she pursed her lips and swatted at him before she opened her eyes. When she did open them, she gasped and drew the blanket up over her head.

  “The children,” she hissed at him.

  Scarlett handed Brian to Smitty and he put Brian under the blanket so he could see Lynn.

  “Ma! Ma! You gone, now you here!” He squealed in delight and wrapped his arms around her neck.

  Smitty tugged at the blanket, and Lynn was able to see all the shining faces. She smiled and then the joy faded from her eyes and her gaze met his. He knew they had to tell them about Aaron and Freddie. He got out of bed.

  Carlos elbowed Will. “See I told you it was fine to sleep in your clothes.”

  Smitty ran his fingers through his hair. Where to start?

  Scarlett grabbed Smitty’s hand. “Freddie and Aaron? Are they in heaven?”

  Smitty sat at the end of the bed. “I’m afraid so, darlin’. They fought like warriors to stay with us, but God must have needed them. Perhaps he made them angels to guard over us. We never really know why and it makes us sad.”

  Greg slammed out of the house.

  “I’ll go talk to him,” Juan said. “Will and Carlos, come with me and help me find that sidewinder.” Juan stared at Smitty, and there was a powerful understanding in his eyes. He’d seen more than his share of death Smitty guessed.

  Cindy stood in the middle of the room alone. “We lost so many on the way to Oregon, and I’d hoped that once we got here, we’d lose no more. My other parents told me that life was a big circle. Some people died to make room for those who were being born. They said to be happy for those who were chosen to see the Lord, for they were in a better place.”

  “It’s all right to be sad, though, isn’t it?” Scarlett asked? “I know they weren’t my real brothers but I loved them like brothers.”

  Smitty opened his arms and held Cindy in one and Scarlett in the other. “They were your brothers in every way that counted. It’s natural to be sad, and I think your ma and I will be sad for a long while.”

  Cindy stared up at him. “My heart hurts, Pa.”

  Smitty swallowed hard. “Mine too. Now let’s take Brian and allow your Ma to get dressed in private. You can tell me about living with Rex and Owen.”

  He eased his way away from the girls and took Brian from Lynn. The gaze they exchanged was full of love and grief. They’d get through it. They had other children that needed them.

  He hugged Brain to him. Brian would need them for a good long time.

  “Lynn take your time. I understand.”

  She nodded and a tear trailed down her face. “You are the best man I know, Smitty.”

  “I know, you’re one lucky gal.” He ushered everyone into the kitchen started the stove fire and put the coffee on.

  The half-decorated tree stood in the corner. Was there any way he could save Christmas for his family? The presents were all made. Even the ones for Lynn from Freddie and Aaron. Should he give them to her or wait for a few months? He had a few days to figure it all out.

  He made flapjacks and bacon and was relieved when the boys came back. Greg had a bruise forming on his cheek while Juan had a bloody nose. The younger ones looked unscathed but worried.

  “Juan, go clean up. The rest of you boys can tell me about the tree Greg and Juan wrestled with.”

  Will and Carlos opened their eyes wide. The stared at each other and Smitty couldn’t stand the worry on their faces a second more. “Look I know when people are hurt and angry fists tend to fly but as men we need to learn to control such things.” Juan had walked back in at the last part of Smitty’s speech. He nodded, as did Greg.

  That was good enough for Smitty. Lord knew Mike, Eli, and Jed had gotten black eyes and bloody noses and lips growing up. He placed the plates of food in front of everyone and was pouring the coffee when Lynn came out.

  She must have heard him through the door. “Juan and Greg, next time duck before the tree branch hits you.” She walked to the stove and took the offered cup of coffee. She mouthed the words “I love you.” Then she turned and sat at the table.

  Smitty was stunned. Who mouthed such important words in a roomful of children? He’d known it all along, she loved him. Who wouldn’t? He was a great catch.

  “Smitty, are you going to join us?” Lynn asked.

  “You know I am. Oh, and Lynn, me too.” He sat down and stared at her.

  “You too what?” Lynn made a face as though she had no idea what he was talking about.

  “Yes Pa, what?” Cindy asked.

  “What is it, Pa? Do you need something? Can we help?” Will asked.

  Lynn’s lips were beginning to twitch.

  “Actually your Ma mouthed to me that she loves me and I said me too.”

  Cindy giggled. “Pa, that’s not how you do it.”

  Scarlett turned to Cindy. “Sometimes men don’t know about these things. Amy said they need guidance.”

  Lynn’s brows rose.

  “Pa, you’re supposed to say, you are my sun and my moon, and I will love you forever. And then you promise things,” Scarlett said as she gave him a firm nod.

  How did this happen? “What promises?” he asked hesitantly.

  Will piped up. “I know one! You never go to bed angry at each other.”

  Juan stared at Smitty. “You never look at another woman. Only at Lynn.”

  Juan’s father must have been a piece of work.

  Carlos shook his head. “Juan I think he can look but he can’t go into town and get drunk. And he can’t go to that upstairs place in a saloon. It makes women very, very angry. One time, our ma hit our pa with an iron skillet.”

  Greg stood up. “You have you promise never to hit her.”

  “I’d never hit a woman.” Smitty needed to talk to Greg about his anger.

  Smitty smiled at Cindy. “Did they miss anything?”

  Cindy tilted her head one way and then the other. “You must promise to be kind to the children. Candy would be a good thing and flowers too. And kisses. Amy said we can only kiss when we get married.”

  Smitty gazed at Lynn. “They seem to talk to Amy often.”

  “I can see that. But all the suggestions are good.”

  Smitty smiled. “What about Lynn? What must she promise me?”

  “To love you,” Scarlett said.

  “To cook your dinner,” Will said.

  “To obey you,” Carlos said.

  Smitty winked at Lyn
n. “I like that one.”

  “No nagging or yelling,” Juan said.

  Smitty nodded.

  “No tracking mud into the house,” Cindy added.

  “You have to promise to make her happy and to never make her cry or make her wish she never married you,” Greg said.

  Smitty wiped his mouth. “You’ve given me a lot to think about. I need to go and talk to Mike. Why don’t you all clean up?” He glanced at Lynn and she nodded as grief filled her eyes.

  Lynn stood at the graves trying to be brave for the children but she couldn’t help the tears that started and wouldn’t stop. Lily took Brian and held him. Lynn nodded to her in gratitude.

  Those were her babies under the dirt. The boys she tried so hard to save, the ones she loved so much. Was she cursed? Would the rest find early deaths too? One more day, just one more day with them and then maybe she’d be able to say goodbye. Who was she fooling? One more day wouldn’t be enough.

  The wind whipped around them and her face began to freeze or so it felt. Smitty usually said a few words for the dead but he asked Mike to do it instead. Lynn understood. His voice would have given out. She would have loved to have his arms around her, but they each had their arms full. She hugged the girls, while he hugged the younger boys to him.

  She’d had the joy of having them for a while. Somehow, she had to make the joy outweigh the grief. She’d mourn and they would never be forgotten. She was able to think of John and Danny with love and affection now. How long would it take to get to that place now? Once the quarantine on the town was over, she’d have the preacher out to pray for Aaron and Freddie. They would have grown to be such good men.

  She did love Smitty and she wanted him to know it, especially on such a hard day. The promise game at breakfast took everyone’s mind off the burial and that was a good thing. Smitty would go back to his cabin tonight and she’d be empty and alone. At least there wouldn’t be a gathering at anyone’s home today. She had Smitty beg off. He said everyone understood.