Never Get Angry Again

by David J. Lieberman

  A VICTORY IN APPEARANCES ONLY

  Should a person abdicate all personal responsibility, he may be successful in specific areas, but such prosperity is a hollow victory. It is indisputable that a person who lives irresponsibly moves away from his purpose and potential and will de facto suffer from a range of mental health issues that will hinder his enjoyment for what he has achieved or received. A blessing of long life to the depressed person becomes a self-imposed curse. The same is true for riches one uses to indulge in self-destructive vices. And although having a family is a blessing, it quickly becomes the opposite if we spend all of our time arguing with, or are estranged from, family members. In that case, it only wears on our emotional, spiritual, and physical health. Without perspective, our coping mechanism is disabled, and we simply feel as if the universe has heaped trouble after trouble upon us. All of the good in our life remains out of focus and we are left in a state of restless desire, goaded on by a sense of entitlement, with a predictable finale: disappointment and despair.

  Regardless of what life serves us, we can make the bitter pill more palatable and perhaps, if we choose to be extraordinary, turn it into a lavish feast. The soul’s mission and corresponding mazal affects happenstance, but as we learned, our happiness and emotional health are a function of choice. Life’s challenges are not equally distributed to everyone, but the power of choice is the great equalizer.

  11

  Staying Sane in an Insane World

  When we know a matter is insignificant, we obviously keep our emotional investment to a minimum. Although a person with perspective sees the irrelevance of an event that might overwhelm his egocentric counterpart, the question everyone faces is, “How do we manage what is relevant?” To answer this, we’ll turn to the subject of trust, and explore more deeply how the quality of our choices gives us access to a deep level of calm.

  ENTER GOD

  Difficult times and tragic events challenge our coping skills. As humans, our perspective is finite, which makes it difficult for us to see the bigger picture. Still, we can gain peace of mind and derive comfort during trying times when we develop the capacity to trust, which then serves as a surrogate to our sight. In that way, we become immune to distress because we don’t have to see something with our own two eyes in order to accept that the outcome is for our ultimate benefit.

  We can have faith that things will work out for the best, but we may still be plagued by worry and moments of doubt. When we have trust, however, negative thoughts don’t fill our mind. We don’t dwell on, or become consumed with, the outcome. Trust is an intellectual process, a natural outgrowth of our positive choices, and it exists independently of our mood or emotional state. The difference is profound. If you have faith that a rickety bridge will hold you, you might walk across it, but with some trepidation. Trust, in contrast, is unequivocal and unwavering and means that you choose to walk across the bridge without hesitation, with much less anxiety or fear. This is important to understand because as we know, fear breeds anger, so if we turn off the faucet of fear, then we shut down the flow of anger.

  How do we move from faith to trust? No leap of faith is required. The decision to exercise self-control eliminates anger and anxiety because it moves us beyond faith in God and into trust in God. Here’s how it works: We can’t trust in God beyond the scope of our behavior. When we make a poor choice—meaning that we refuse to accept reality and respond properly—we are not acknowledging God, and to the degree that He is not in our lives, we can’t have a relationship with Him, let alone trust in Him. The chasm widens afterward when we justify our actions; this behavior further torques the ego and pushes God still further away. We feel this distance as a lack of faith. Yet we don’t lose faith in God without first losing faith in ourselves. It is we who have changed. When we turn away from what is right, all of our relationships inevitably suffer—including our relationship with God.

  Someone who is in the habit of ignoring reality cannot simply bring God into his life, conjure Him up, and trust in Him at the moment of his choosing to soothe an anxious thought or calm a troubled mind, because the ego is precisely what blocks trust in God. Trust is a natural by-product of humility, not of arrogance. Fear breeds in the waters of disconnectedness, between our awareness of the truth and our behavior, and the greater the disparity, the greater the fear.

  Productive living is the heartiest expression of our trust in the future, in God, and in ourselves. A person who feels too afraid (of the pain) to make long-range plans and to invest in his life sends a message to his subconscious that he does not have trust. Then, imperceptibly and unintentionally, he seeks to validate his fears and becomes attuned to whatever in his world offers him proof that he is right. Because of his ego-based decision to avoid legitimate pain—and opt out of life—his ego must now prove him right.

  In short, action converts faith into trust. We can’t establish trust in God if we don’t live our lives in a way that demonstrates our belief in God. Abraham’s ten trials nourished his relationship with God, each adding a strand of trust in a bond that culminated in total submission to His will, without question or compunction. With the first test, God sought to assure Abraham, “I will make of you a great nation; I will bless you, and make your name great and you shall be a blessing.”1 By the last test, such reassurance had become unnecessary, even though the command itself was exceedingly more difficult and seemingly contradicted God’s initial assertion.2 Such is the bond of trust.

  SELF-CONTROL = PEACE OF MIND

  We intuit—via our conscience, the soul—that with each of our acts, a natural consequence occurs. When we engage in conduct that we know to be wrong, no matter how masterfully we justify it, the voice of our soul cries out in shame. Although the ego often muffles the soul’s cry, we unconsciously wait for the universe to drop the other proverbial shoe.

  Imagine the following scenario: A thief walks into a grocery store, steals a loaf of bread, and then flees, probably looking over his shoulder nervously for the negative consequences of his action. For a while after the adventure, he will be tormented by what might happen. Just as a person braces himself physically in anticipation of being hit, so, too, do we brace ourselves emotionally when we feel vulnerable. If the thief had not stolen the bread, such anxiety would not exist.

  Individuals with high life-change scores (that is, they experience multiple life changes at one time) are more likely to fall ill. Yet most surprisingly, studies reveal that the illness correlates with any type of change.3 Whether we perceive the event as positive or negative has no effect on the stress we experience; rather, the stress level is determined by our need to control what is happening. This is why we may find ourselves engaging in self-destructive behavior, even when things in our lives go particularly well.

  The path to living anger free is paved not by circumstances, but by choice. An individual who controls himself recognizes that he doesn’t control the world, and so he is not anxious. In fact, this understanding offers solace because all he has to do is exercise self-control, and God will take care of the rest. Conversely, one who cannot control himself falsely believes—courtesy of his ego—that he is, or should be, in control, and so becomes anxious in uncertain times and angry when reality unfolds against his expectations. His foolish quest to control that which is beyond his control will only lead him to lose more control over himself. This is a nuanced, yet critical, point. The more self-control we have, the more we see—and accept—what is within our control and what is not. Therefore we can, as the saying goes, let go and let God, because we know that when we have done all we can, God will do all we can’t.

  Whatever the character trait, if we don’t possess it, we can’t see it in others or feel it in ourselves. A person who doesn’t love himself can’t fully love others or feel their love, and a person who doesn’t trust himself distrusts others and is often not trusted by others. Those who lack self-control have no concept of trust. How can they trust in God when, in their world, “
trust” is a theoretical concept and not part of their inner reality? God is infinite and unchanging. If we want to see His hand in our lives, if we want to trust in Him, it is we who must change. We must make different choices. There is no alternate truth.

  TRUST = ACCEPTANCE = ANGER FREE

  Acceptance means we do not ignore reality, and if the reality is that we are in pain, then the height of responsibility is to recognize that this is a moment to be in pain. It’s perfectly healthy, even obligatory, to feel this way. If we process the experience with patience and compassion for ourselves, then we move more swiftly to acceptance. If, however, the ego is active, then we become filled with self-pity or false shame, we delay acceptance and add an unnecessary layer of suffering. Self-pity judges our pain to be unfair—poor me. I live an unfair life in an unjust world, suffering a cruel, undeserved fate. False shame declares our pain is justified because we are unworthy of good and of happiness.

  The upcoming process in Part IV is critical because it allows us to see and accept that a painful ordeal does not mean that God has rejected us or abandoned us because we are unworthy of His love. God’s love for us does not diminish because we feel unworthy—but our capacity to feel His love for us, does. As we have learned, people who do not love themselves conclude that others don’t either. They feel that people do unkind things to them intentionally, rarely assigning a benign motivation to such behavior. Their worldview is similarly skewed, which further distances them from God and shatters their self-esteem. They tell themselves, If God is doing this to me, then I must be bad. This idea perpetuates a negative self-image, spiraling them further away from their potential and any motivation to invest in themselves and in their future.

  If we are angry at God because of our own faults and limitations, trials and tribulations, then we are not living in the world of truth; we will constantly take out our frustrations on ourselves and everyone around us. The famed philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche writes, “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” Fundamentally, trust in God means the acceptance and recognition that all our experiences come to us directly from God, all out of His love for us. It means knowing in one’s heart that there is no such thing as chance, and that all of our life experiences are under complete and total Divine supervision.

  Unlike faith, trust directly reflects our relationship with God. The closer we are to Him, the stronger our trust, and the greater our recognition that everything He does is specifically for our good. The message is, “You matter to Me.” The entire mechanism of self-esteem is geared toward creating ourselves into a vessel that is capable of recognizing and receiving God’s love for us. Only then do we live with the perpetual awareness that He takes an intimate and personal interest in every aspect of our lives, and that everything we do matters deeply to Him. Absent self-esteem, we cannot help but feel that we do not matter to God, that we are irrelevant. Nothing is more painful or false.

  PART IV

  MAKE PEACE WITH THE PAST, FOR GOOD

  12

  Planes of Acceptance

  We have discussed that to the extent we refuse to accept the truth about ourselves and our lives, we are forced to distort the world around us to align with our preferred, less-painful version of reality. Therefore, to accept reality, we must accept ourselves; and to fully accept ourselves, we need to make peace with our past and plan for our future. First things first.

  SELF-ACCEPTANCE

  The truth cannot be offended or upended by reality. Images need protection. The truth does not. If we fully accept ourselves, we have no need to project an image. We have nothing to protect and nothing to hide from. We become more real, through and through. Shakespeare lyrically rendered this creed in the following verse:

  This above all: to thine own self be true,

  And it must follow, as the night the day,

  Thou canst not then be false to any man.1

  Jung stated that every part of the personality we don’t love will become hostile to us. Becoming more courageous means that we must face ourselves, because it is self-discovery that we actually fear. This is self-evident. We are not easily offended when faced with a truth that we fully acknowledge, nor are we bothered by a blatant, bold-faced lie. Only when presented with a truth that we refuse to recognize do we become sensitive or self-conscious. Total self-acceptance ensures that we don’t connect the dots to let another person’s actions point to a deficiency within ourselves.

  Have you ever noticed the following to be true? Once you’ve fully accepted a facet of yourself or of your life, you don’t hide from it anymore. You don’t care who knows, who finds out, and you certainly don’t let it hold you back. Now imagine a life where there is total and complete acceptance. No masks. No games. No pretending. When you no longer hide from yourself, your false identity dissolves because its only purpose was to keep you from seeing yourself. At this point, your fears dissolve because there is no longer the threat of exposing your real self to yourself, or to others. You become free because you are shame free, and with this freedom, you become anger free.

  ACCEPTANCE IS NOT APPROVAL

  We often confuse acceptance and approval. This erroneous thinking not only negates the concept of unconditional love, but also impairs our ability to accept ourselves, faults and all. Acceptance doesn’t mean that we sit back and resign ourselves to victimhood. To the contrary, acceptance is the path to growth. If I want to go from Point A to Point B, I first need to acknowledge that I’m at Point A. If I hide from myself—who I am and where I am—then I will never be able to move forward. Acceptance is not passivity, but the seed of change, because we cannot grow beyond that which we refuse to accept even exists. The paradoxical theory of change states that “Change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not.… One must first fully experience what one is before recognizing all the alternatives of what he may be.”2

  Let’s introduce another quote by Carl Jung: “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” If we accept ourselves, we also avoid a powerful anger trigger—the mirror effect. It has often been said that we feel annoyed by traits in others that we ourselves possess. This isn’t quite true. The very reason that we’re able to perceive certain faults in others may be because they lie within ourselves, but observing the trait and becoming upset by it are two very different things. Our intellectual observation becomes emotionally charged only when we have not yet accepted this fault within ourselves. If we accept a failing in ourselves, seeing it emerge in another evokes great empathy, because we know just what this person is going through. We can see through the lens of love and kindness, and we can better help him become more self-aware.

  When the person sees that our motivation is pure and out of love, it’s an entirely different conversation than if our ego is involved, because then our words will feel like an attack rather than an act of kindness. Any rebuke that comes from a place of anger or resentment is not going to be offered or received as a loving observation. In Proverbs, King Solomon wrote, “Just as water reflects a face to a face, so does the heart of man reflect one to another.”3

  SEALING THE ENERGY LEAK

  The quality of our lives hinges on the quality of our choices. True enough—but is this enough? Many of us walk around bruised and battered by—take your pick—trauma, tragedy, an abusive childhood, abusive relationships, or sick or evil people who have walked through our lives and walked over us. What can we do with that message playing over and over in our minds—a message that courses through our veins, saying, “I’m worthless”?

  As was discussed in Chapter 8, perspective gives us the natural ability to frame a trauma in a meaningful context before it becomes fused with our identity and part of a self-sustaining story that defines us. Yet when the trauma occurs during our formative years, it’s difficult to break free because the story is all controlling and all consuming—it’s the only narrative we know. To move our lives forward we must fac
e ourselves; and to love and accept what we see—we must face our past.

  13

  Trauma, Tragedy, and Triggers

  When we feel powerless over the unknown, we may become angry to feed the illusion of control—even if that anger is directed at ourselves. Have you ever heard someone say, “The worst is not knowing?” Even bad—painful—news may be welcomed over the unknown. Similarly, the world hurts me in ways that I cannot predict or control, but by harming myself I gain control over my own pain. We will inflict pain upon ourselves—completely self-destruct, if we must—simply to be in control of it. In doing so, we have removed the greater threat: the debilitating, merciless pain of fear. We have made our pain predictable and known. Feelings of guilt (“I have hurt another; I did wrong”) and shame (“I am bad; I am less”) intensify our motivation for self-harm because we want to punish ourselves, to exact justice, to right the wrongs.

  This deeply flawed approach to pain management takes an inevitably crueler turn, because the fear of uncontrolled pain is eclipsed by the pain of feeling nothing at all. When we attempt to bypass the pain of living we become numb to life itself and the real tragedy is not that we have lost our way, but that we do not care that there is a way.

  THE POWER OF DECISION

  Whatever the situation, whatever the horror—neglect, humiliation, abandonment—when we understand that anger is a choice, we begin to seal the breach in our self-esteem. Many people might have treated us poorly, even abusively, and no doubt bear fault for our ensuing self-destructive behaviors. Yet right here and now, blame won’t move us forward in life. It won’t make us one bit happier or more fulfilled. Taking responsibility now, however, will. This isn’t a question of whether we delay deciding or do it immediately. We are making a choice every moment of every day to hold on to resentment or let it go.