Never Get Angry Again

by David J. Lieberman

  17

  Becoming Extraordinary

  King Solomon tells us throughout Ecclesiastes that all suffering comes from trying to give permanence to the temporary. The soul seeks permanence through giving—investing in a commodity that is forever ours. It recognizes that we keep whoever we become, and that is ultimately shaped by what we give, not by what we take. Our soul is drawn to reunite with Immortality, but the aberration of this quest is the ego’s search for permanence through taking. The ego lunges after longevity through influence, power, and control, while the soul yearns for true independence—freedom over the lower self—that enables the apex in self-expression.

  The ego relishes creative acts in order to make its mark on the world—an illogical pursuit of monuments and awards, anything that will stand the test of time. (It’s illogical because even while the person rejects a world beyond this one, he desires to be remembered. But why? If he has no existence beyond the physical world, why should he care whether people who come after him are aware of accomplishments? What good does this do him? None, according to his own logic, but his soul knows differently.) Our ego thirsts to be special, desperately longing to set itself apart, even if it tears us apart. It doesn’t care whether the goal is accomplished through productive or destructive means. It seeks only to make a big splash.

  Ironically, the ego chase leaves us with a homogenized, blended existence that merely blurs our uniqueness. When we follow a destructive path in a futile attempt to be different, we end up as carbon copies of all other ego-oriented people and are confined to an automated existence and a generic personality. When our ego dominates, our lives are indeed programmed—but we are the programmers.

  When a person stays busy building an image or succumbing to cravings and impulses, he never rises above reactionary living. He doesn’t create anything—certainly not himself. When we are independent, we are partners in our own creation and in creation itself, exercising the height of free will. The desire to create burns deep within us. We derive intense, unparalleled satisfaction from creative thought and action. They rivet our attention and unleash our individuality. We notice how much pleasure a small child receives from drawing a picture. We are driven to be unique, to express ourselves.

  WHO ARE YOU LIVING FOR?

  There is no status quo in nature. The law of conservation states that organisms die if they don’t grow. Moreover, just as every person is one of a kind—from his fingerprints to his face to his DNA—we are all born with a specific purpose, unique to each one of us. To obtain the highest level of fulfillment, we must move toward that which our soul desires—which Maslow explains as self-transcendence, to go beyond the ego. Too often, we confine our options to a small space, not fully recognizing the range of possibilities that extends beyond our comfort zone. Our egos lead us to believe that we are boxed in and can’t go beyond our circumstances, or can move only a little, gradually. Lack of inspiration really amounts to lack of enthusiasm for the direction, speed, and distance that we believe we can move.

  To become reenergized, we need to expand our thinking. Saying I hate my life doesn’t produce an answer that moves us forward. It’s not even a question, but a statement that reinforces our complacency. We must open ourselves up to the field of possibilities by asking ourselves, What do I want out of life? The following additional questions nudge the ego out of the equation and help us to further crystalize our thinking. When you ask yourself these questions, give thought to what answer satisfies most of them or, even better, all of them.

  1. What would you do if you could not fail?

  2. What would you do if you didn’t have the problems that you have?

  3. What would you do if you had all the money that you ever needed?

  4. What would you do if no one would ever find out/if everyone would find out?

  Check your motivation. We must be honest about why we want what we want. So many people feel miserable because they set goals based on someone else’s expectations. They had every reason to do what they did, except for the right reason: Because they considered it important for their own growth and to create the future they truly wanted.

  ARE WE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE?

  Living in a way that contradicts our core values and soul-inspired passion drains us because it creates a division within us. No reasonable parent would consider selling his or her child for any sum of money, but this same parent might spend very little time with that child. We cannot simultaneously value X as all-important, then spend our time, energy, and effort on a goal Y, without creating an internal tug of war. Equally vital is that the totality of our goals are compatible amongst themselves, in addition to being aligned with our values. Renowned psychoanalyst Karen Horney writes,

  We have to make sure our goals are synergistic—living with unresolved conflicts involves primarily a devastating waste of human energies, occasioned not only by conflicts themselves but by all the devious attempts to remove them. When a person is basically divided he can never put his energies wholeheartedly into anything, but wants always to pursue two or more incompatible goals. This means he will either scatter his energies or actively frustrate his efforts.… [N]o matter how potentially gifted he is—[his efforts] will be wasted.… Divided energies also cause him to unconsciously rebel and insist on perfection, forgetfulness, overworking, etc., neurotic inertia is a paralysis of initiative and action.1

  Other findings share this conclusion and reveal that people with conflicting goals worry more and get less done. They also have “fewer positive emotions, more negative emotions and more depression and anxiety … Even just plain physical sickness was higher among the people with conflicting goals. The more the goals conflicted, the more the people got stuck, and the more unhappy and unhealthy they became.”2

  * * *

  In the gap between where we are and where we want to be, we find instability—the breeding ground of anger. Three intersecting reasons are involved: First, the extent to which we live responsibly and meet our obligations—in accordance with the soul, rather than ego—shapes our initial perspective. It determines our entire worldview, because the ego forms false or unhealthy beliefs and values to protect us, based on our limitations. Second, when we have self-respect, we optimize our relationships and interpersonal interactions: we don’t take things personally; we forgive and apologize with ease; we see others’ points of view; we are not prone to anger or offense or inclined to jealousy or envy; we can empathize, see the good in others, and judge favorably; and certainly, we don’t need to be right. Third, the more frustrated we feel with ourselves and in our lives, the more readily we become annoyed by others. Indeed, the person who is going nowhere in life often seems the most bothered by slow-moving traffic.

  18

  Escaping the Trap of Procrastination

  Living one’s life with authenticity—meaningful goals aligned with our values—allows us to overcome the single greatest obstacle to moving our lives forward in a significant, purposeful direction: procrastination. Let’s see how this is so.

  Scattered or misdirected ambition is as debilitating as inactivity itself. Movement is useless without a plan—we need a place to go and a path to get there. We must not live our lives like the person who shoots an arrow at the side of a barn and then draws a circle around it after it embeds itself. Caring little about what he aims for, he proudly convinces himself and the world that he has succeeded. Many people indeed feel reluctant to plan their lives. They might have a vague idea of what they want to accomplish, yet they shy away from preparing for their future. This is true for two interlacing reasons.

  What exactly does planning for the future involve? At the most elementary level, we must acknowledge where we are and then decide where we want to go. The challenge here exists as much in the first half of this process as in the second. Yes, the future holds many unknowns and uncertainties, but our hidden fear lies in not wanting to see where we are. We are afraid to examine our lives too closely and to come face-to-face
with who we have become, and with what happened to our finest intentions. The reluctance to set goals and plan for the future relieves us of the burden of self-examination. However, another deep-seated constraint exists.

  To move forward, we need to weigh different possibilities and directions our lives can take. To do this, we must know what we are living for. In other words, we must commit. Yet we would rather get lost in the grand scheme of daydreaming than be forced to make choices that will forever define who we are. (It’s interesting that the English word decide has the same etymological root as homicide: the Latin word cadre, meaning “to cut down” or “to kill.”) But we half believe that if we never make a choice, we won’t have to live with failure or regret. Functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) has shown that when we make decisions couched in uncertainty, it stimulates the amygdala—the “fear and anxiety response center.” Our brains are literally afraid of being wrong.1 So rather than move our lives forward, we leave ourselves open to every possibility, with the misplaced hope that the perfect opportunity will present itself. And don’t think that our intelligence or talent shields us against the crime of procrastination. On the contrary, intelligent people can always find endless rationales that support different courses of action.

  It’s human nature to want to keep our options open, and as the ego looms larger, it magnifies the fear of commitment—we can’t fail, be wrong, or feel restricted. It always looks for a way out, should we want to escape. Yet the ego built this back door out of fear, and indecision doesn’t free us, it keeps us trapped and bends us into someone who is afraid to live. Nothing will become of our lives—NOTHING—until we decide what we want out of life and are prepared to make a profound commitment to that decision. If we don’t recognize this truth, we can’t go any further.

  THE ANTIDOTE: AN AUTHENTIC SELF

  People typically rank public speaking as their number-one fear. Death ranks at number two. To eliminate jitters associated with public speaking, one need only focus on the audience and their needs. We cannot be self-conscious if we are not thinking about ourselves. When the speaker’s thoughts are geared toward others, he moves from taking to giving. And where there is no ego, there is no anxiety. If the speaker is consumed with how he is going to come across—Will they like me? Will I make a fool of myself?—he can’t help but become nervous. In our own lives, the greater the difference between the image we wish to project and our true self, the greater the fear.

  As we previously discussed, living authentically allows the false identity to dissolve because its only purpose is to keep you from seeing yourself. At this point your fears dissolve. We go after what we want without the reins of self-doubt, because when it’s not about us, we can access any trait we need, to accomplish what we wish. When there is no ego, we can rise above any fear; and when there is no fear, there is no delay. To keep an irrational quest for perfection from becoming an excuse for procrastination and a source of unrelenting anger and frustration, you have to get real with who you are—only then can you fearlessly pursue what you want.

  In the words of Emerson, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” When our goals are tainted by the ego, we play it safe and convince ourselves that we’re playing it smart; but we aren’t living life, we’re hiding from ourselves. The only fear we should occupy ourselves with is the failure to actualize our God given abilities, because shame lives in the home of unrealized potential.

  PART VI

  RECLAIMING OURSELVES AND REDEFINING OUR BOUNDARIES

  19

  Redrawing the Lines with Boundary Breachers

  If you want to live anger free, then you’ve got to know who you are, be who you are, and stand up for who you are. So, here we are again, back to talking about relationships. When it comes to unleashing our most base nature, no area in life tries us more than our relationships. And while we can cultivate character in serenity and solitude, the true measure of our greatness and growth—where the rubber meets the road—is in the domain of relationships.

  It is therefore the height of arrogance to presume that if all of the difficult people in our lives would simply disappear, we would be more productive, happier, and more successful. We bemoan these emotional vampires who drain our life’s blood and exhaust our time, money, and energy, but these relationships provide the necessary soil for us to develop our full potential. Putting the spiritual component aside, however, we must remind ourselves of the inexorable link between our mental health and the quality of our relationships. As was discussed earlier, a person with low self-esteem has difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. Yet equally compelling is that even the healthiest among us have to beware, because people in our lives with low self-esteem can wear on our emotional heath, despite our best efforts to work on ourselves. If we learn how to navigate these relationships, it will go a long way toward preserving our sanity and our ability to maintain our calm.

  GOOD FENCES MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS

  Because the quality of our relationships and our mental health are intertwined, boundaries are not simply a nice idea, but integral to the totality of our well-being. Poor boundaries may lead to a breakdown not only of the relationship but of the individual—of ourselves—as well. Unless and until we establish proper boundaries, we are allowing other people, who are quite possibly unwell, to define us and the relationship.

  A poor self-image often translates into porous borders—because if a person does not have a clear definition of himself, he is unable to recognize what is proper between him and others. This may manifest as the chronically needy person who asks to be rescued from every self-made crisis; or as the controlling, pushy personality who hides his insecurities with arrogance and bravado. Healthy boundaries are not created to keep people out, but rather to define our space and our sense of personal responsibility.

  * * *

  If someone in your life suffers from an emotional illness, recognize that you cannot make it your life’s work to cure the person or even to educate him, because this is most likely not even within your ability. Instead, you should focus on maximizing the potential of the relationship. Certainly, to the degree that someone can accept constructive criticism, you have an obligation to help him see the consequences of his behavior, but only if you feel that you might succeed.

  Once you come to terms with the reality of his condition and his limitations, you’ll find it easier to accept this person into your life. Still, just because two people are related or have contact with each other doesn’t necessarily mean they have a relationship—at least not in the traditional, healthy sense. A genuine relationship involves two people who give and take. Yet if the other person is incapable of giving, then our expectations will routinely exceed the limits of his ability—and we will always feel frustrated.

  Apart from immediate family, if, instead, we reframe the dynamics and consider it kindness, then we won’t rely on him to reciprocate our efforts or fulfill his obligations according to the definition of a normal relationship. Our mind-set largely depends on our expectations. How we frame our interactions greatly affects our attitude toward a person. It is essential to requalify this guidance because when it comes to immediate family members, we can’t simply recuse ourselves of our obligations by redefining the relationship and calling it something else. Although we can’t let unwell people draw the boundary lines, for our own emotional health, we must make every effort to maintain the best working relationship possible.

  THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME

  In certain instances, we must say, “Enough is enough.” Yet we shouldn’t believe that the larger solution means cutting difficult people out of our lives. Rarely is this required. Only when we react to another’s cruelty with similar behavior do we move to a mode of dependence, and to suffering. Recall our overarching theme: We must act and interact responsibly by moving the ego out of the way. That’s it. If we act out of anger, we will suffer. We cannot get around
this. Guilt and shame will seep in, our ego deploys to fortify our response, and all the while, our self-esteem and emotional well-being slowly melt.

  In our own lives, we know that we don’t often feel complete when we feud with, or become estranged from, a member of our immediate family. If, however, we do everything that we can, when we can, for as long as we can, to have the healthiest relationship possible, and it’s still not enough, then we may experience sadness over the broken state of the relationship, but we remain whole—emotionally and spiritually intact, undivided by guilt, shame, or resentment. In no way does this mean that we become a doormat and welcome every intolerable person into our lives. Ego negation means that we bring our true self out and into our relationships, with the singular goal of taking responsibility and being responsible. Whether that takes us deeper into or further away from a particular relationship is not at issue. Doing the responsible thing is. Our willingness to do what is legitimately required to foster healthy relationships ultimately gives us peace—allows us to remain whole—regardless of the outcome. Moreover, each time we rise above our nature for the sake of peace, we fortify our wholeness, because all acts of giving refresh our emotional reserves and boost our self-esteem.