Never Get Angry Again

by David J. Lieberman

  Expressing our displeasure is, at times, required and beneficial for our emotional and physical health. Yet articulating our feelings isn’t the same as unleashing a torrent of unrestrained anger. When an objective assessment dictates that we should speak up, both our emotional health and the relationship can be enhanced. Yet without substance and sincerity—much less calm and composure—our words won’t be productive to either the relationship or ourselves. Difficult people are not in our lives to add to our woes but to help us, and we need to realize this, or they will keep coming around again and again—and so we might keep coming around, again and again. On a simple level, it’s true that we should help others, but we must also understand the larger picture and ask ourselves the important question: “What lesson can I learn from this person?” While we remain in “blame mode,” we are not solution-oriented and therefore can’t see, let alone investigate, ways to improve the situation.

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  Note: Do you still have trouble seeing yourself as a healthy, assertive type? Chapter 24 shows you how to literally rewire your brain not only to control your anger, but also to turn positive assertiveness into your second nature.

  22

  Successful Relationships with Impossible People

  Because our emotional health and the quality of our relationships are intertwined, it’s beneficial to do what we can to improve our relationships, even with people who are burdensome. As we learned, this doesn’t mean that you have to include every difficult person in every aspect of your life, but to remove your ego from the equation when dealing with such a person. The following principles describe how to change the foundation of a relationship and enhance the way you interact and communicate with another person, whether you are seeking to improve a relationship with a friend, family member, or coworker.

  1. R-E-S-P-E-C-T

  Aretha Franklin sang the truth! Many personality conflicts arise as a result of someone feeling disrespected. You may have unintentionally not given someone your full attention, or they misinterpreted something you said or did. Although it doesn’t take much for a person with low self-esteem to imagine that a person doesn’t like them, this is true for all of us, to some degree. There are aspects of ourselves that we dislike, and we project our own disdain with these qualities onto others. We believe (albeit unconsciously) that others must see these faults and dislike us as well.

  An effective way to show someone that you hold them in esteem is to tell a third party, maybe a mutual friend, what it is that you genuinely like and respect about this other person. Or you could commend this other person directly for something they have done, or for something they stand for. Once the person sees your admiration, the barriers of hostility will begin to break down. After all, it is hard to dislike someone who not only likes us but also respects us.

  Have you ever had the experience of having someone whom you don’t particularly like pay you a huge compliment or ask your advice about something? Suddenly you find yourself forced to reevaluate your feelings toward them to something more favorable. We would rather adjust our thinking about someone than believe that their high opinion of us is flawed. This form of appreciation is known as reciprocal affection. We tend to like someone once we are told that they have the same feelings for us. To further this, avoid gestures or comments that indicate a lack of respect. Specifically, when someone is speaking to you, give them your undivided attention. Being half-listened to, or more accurately, being half-ignored, does not cultivate warm feelings. Perhaps you’ve had the experience of conversing with someone at an event when you suddenly become aware that their eyes are roving the room behind you, even as they’re listening to you. Listening—really listening—is about respect. It might seem trivial, but this type of consideration for another person’s honor significantly impacts a relationship. Imagine having a conversation with someone and their phone rings, but they choose not to answer it. And when you say, “Do you need to get that?” they simply say, “Don’t worry about it. I’m only interested in talking to you right now.” Wouldn’t this make you feel good?

  2. Let Them Give to You

  We tend to believe that the way to get people to like us is to do nice things for them. Although this is true, people actually like us even more when they do something for us. This is due to the following two reasons: (1) Whenever we invest—time, money, attention—into anything, particularly a person, we care more about and feel more connected to the recipient of our giving. (2) When we allow others to give, they feel better about themselves because giving reinforces the feeling that they are in control and independent.

  There is no greater way to bond with someone than by allowing them to be a part of your life and give to you. Ask a person for advice and input whenever you think they might have something worthwhile to contribute.

  3. Show Your Human Side

  You should never be afraid of responsibly opening up to the people in your life. When you show your vulnerability, a wall between yourself and the other person dissolves, and empathy emerges; that person is then driven to respond to your needs as if they were his own. Often, in an attempt to get someone to like us, we employ what is called self-enhancement behavior; this is when we tell and show the other person how accomplished and wonderful we are, so that they will like us. Yet research clearly indicates that when you’re dealing with a person who is insecure and feels threatened, self-deprecating behavior is the optimum approach. This would mean that you offer information about yourself that isn’t flattering, but this admission shows humility, honesty, and trust—three traits that help provide a successful resolution to any personality conflict.

  4. Recognize That Like Attracts Like

  Contrary to popular opinion, research in human behavior confirms that opposites do not attract.1 We may find some people interesting because of how different they are from us, but we actually connect more with people who are similar to us and have similar interests. Analogous to this law is the principle of comrades in arms. People who go through life-changing situations together tend to create a significant bond. For instance, soldiers in battle or those in fraternity pledge classes who get hazed together usually develop strong friendships.

  It’s for this reason that two people who have never met but who have shared a similar previous experience—whether it’s an illness or winning the lottery—can become instant friends. When you speak to this person, talk about what you both enjoy and what you have in common.

  5. Show Genuine Enthusiasm

  Psychologist Daniel Goleman writes: “It happens that smiles are the most contagious emotional signal of all, having an almost irresistible power to make other people smile in return.”2 Smiling at someone not only helps them feel good about themselves, but also makes you feel good about yourself. The importance of immediately setting the right tone at the beginning of a conversation cannot be overstated. In every type of relationship, whether you are returning home to your spouse or greeting a coworker, those initial few moments together will dramatically shape the quality of the rest of your encounter.

  6. Say a Few Kind Words

  It’s unfortunate, but it seems that in many of our relationships, the only time we say something nice is when we’ve done something wrong. Be proactive from time to time; one kind word in the bank is worth a hundred after the fact. In research examining sixty-nine studies about influencing impressions and getting a person to like us, the most successful tactic was found to be simply making the other person feel good about themselves, whether through a sincere compliment or praise. The bottom line is that people crave feeling good about themselves, and most people are forced to rely on others to sustain them. One terrific and simple way to implement this with those closest to us is to express once or twice a day—via text, email, call, a short note, or in person—your admiration, respect, or appreciation for something specific.

  7. Be an Ally

  If you learn that someone has made a mistake, reassure them that it could happen to anyone, and tell the
m they shouldn’t be so hard on themselves. Whatever you do, don’t criticize or condemn. In a situation where someone is having a disagreement, defend them when you believe there’s merit to their side of the argument. And when the two of you have a disagreement, you don’t win anything by proving that you’re smarter than they are, whereas if you acknowledge that they’ve made an insightful point, and validate their feelings, you have everything to gain, even if you disagree with them.

  8. Either Side of the Aisle

  Sometimes the source of conflict is rooted in something deeper: ideals. Objecting to a person’s ideology does not usually give you the permission to sever the relationship, or to hate the other person. However, the reason the relationship suffers is the way the two parties treat each other as a result of this divide. Invariably, with each disrespectful comment or disapproving glare, each side feels even more justified in disliking the other. It is this cycle of disrespect that gives way to ingrained hostility. The root of the conflict could be tolerable, even manageable, but because of the charged atmosphere, the two parties often allow their relationship to deteriorate to the point of no return. Even if a great deal of time has gone by, you can still reverse the situation by showing complete respect despite the other’s comments and attitude. This method engages two psychological principles:

  The first psychological phenomenon is the previously discussed cognitive dissonance. If you’re treating a person well in spite of how badly they’re treating you, then they have to reconcile why they’re being rude and intolerant to somebody who is kind and respectful. To resolve the contradiction, they will often be forced to conclude that you must be a good person who holds a flawed belief, rather than a bad person who should be ignored. The second psychological phenomenon is guilt reduction. Studies show that a person will do almost anything to eliminate feelings of guilt. When you’re treating another person kindly but they’re treating you poorly, they will, on some level, feel guilty. In order to reconcile these feelings, they will be inclined to change their behavior and become more tolerant.

  Many people have friendships and relationships with people whose beliefs are fundamentally different from their own. The secret is to stay away from contentious subjects. Not every issue needs a thorough, complete, and intensive investigation. If you want to find something else to argue about, you will have no shortage of topics.

  PART VII

  ADVANCED PSYCHOLOGICAL STRATEGIES TO LIVE ANGER FREE

  23

  The Power of Neuroplasticity

  In the middle of a taxing circumstance, we might find it difficult to present a composed demeanor—let alone to feel calm. But little by little, our capacity to do so develops. By choosing a different response to anger now, we can better control ourselves the next time we feel provoked.

  For many years, conventional thinking likened the mind to a steam kettle, in which pressure would build until the lid blew off. Psychologists thus encouraged people to release the buildup of pressure by venting their anger. Yet after extensive research on the subject, it turns out that expressing anger is not only unproductive, but also destructive. “When people vent their feelings aggressively they often feel worse, pump up their blood pressure, and make themselves even angrier.”1 Multiple experiments confirm that fits of rage are more likely to intensify anger.2 This happens because we unconsciously validate our reaction by convincing ourselves that the situation requires our emotionally charged response. In turn, our anger flares, and our self-justification increases our aggression. When we hold on to anger, we suffer; and the more we unleash it, the more it consumes us.

  The name given to this phenomenon, facial feedback hypothesis, extends to all physical expressions (and falls under the principle of embodied cognition, which posits that thought is not merely influenced by physiology, but actually originates from it). In a series of studies, researchers asked subjects to look at disgusting images while hiding their emotions or while holding pens in their mouths in such a way to prevent them from frowning. A third group was given no instructions and told to react naturally. As expected, the subjects who restrained their emotional expression reported feeling less disgusted afterward than control subjects did.3 Our minds, seeking to reconcile our behavior with our emotional state, conclude that how we express ourselves must be a result of how we feel about the situation (or about whatever behavior we’re engaging in).

  The tenet that our external actions mold our emotional world is at the root of the psychological principle that “the outward act awakens the internal” and “minds are shaped by deeds.” Aristotle is quoted as saying, “We acquire virtues by first having put them into action.” Today, behavior therapy (also referred to as behavior modification therapy) is built on just such an approach. This type of therapy focuses on changing undesirable behaviors by identifying and substituting them with more positive and healthier behaviors. Not only is the symptom being treated, but the behavior modification can also alter the person’s personality from the outside in.

  MIND YOUR BRAIN

  We are born with only two primal fears: the fear of falling and the fear of a loud, startling noise. Every other fear is learned. Our emotional response to any situation can be rerouted—for better or for worse. We find an apt illustration in PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after a psychological trauma. A person who returns from war, for example, can suffer from such acute PTSD that the sound of a helicopter or a slamming door may cause sudden panic—because the brain has literally rewired itself, based on a false conclusion. In such instances, adrenaline hijacks the brain and redirects the perceived threat from the prefrontal cortex (the thinking brain) to the amygdala (the fear and anxiety response center). This fear-based disorder bears a striking similarity to an instinctive angry reaction. In the latter, our ego identifies a threat to our emotional selves, rather than to our physical selves, and we don’t think, we just react.

  Recent discoveries in molecular biology provide us with an understanding of the connection between behavior and circuits of the brain. While the mind creates emotional reactions, these are reinforced in the brain. For instance, if we become upset at someone who treats us impolitely, we will likely react more strongly the next time we encounter a similar situation, because the neural connection between rude people and our anger has been strengthened.

  Whatever we repeat strengthens the neuronal connections—whether practicing a musical instrument, becoming angry, or remaining calm. Every brain cell (neuron) adapts to its surroundings—or, more precisely, to the signals the neuron receives from neighboring cells. When two neurons fire repeatedly at the same time, this reinforces the connection between them. Hence, the common idiom in biology: “Neurons that fire together wire together.” In fact, this proves true for both emotional and physical responses to stimuli, as a study in Psychology Today explains:

  Just like muscles, brain circuits grow stronger when we use them—great when you’re learning to play the piano, but terrible in the case of a constantly aching joint. “Pain pathways are like a trail in the forest,” says Gavril Pasternak, director of molecular neuropharmacology at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York City. “If you have a path that is already worn, it is easier to follow and it becomes strengthened.”

  Through the same neurological process that makes you gradually get better at hitting a racquetball or driving a stick shift, your brain “gets better” at perceiving the pain—you become more sensitive and more likely to register a poke or a twinge as painful. Eventually, people with chronic pain disorders such as fibromyalgia (which affects joints and soft tissues) can find even mild sensations agonizing. Imaging studies reveal what’s going on: A gentle touch causes brain areas that process pain to react. Similar findings have been reported in people with unexplained chronic lower back pain. It’s not a conscious process—it’s one way the brain naturally responds to repeated stimulation.4

  Returning to our immediate discussion, learning a new
response—such as remaining calm when in the face of insult or when we feel otherwise disrespected, anxious, or out of control—stimulates the associated neurons to grow extensions (dendrites) to connect with one another. (Dendrites, the branched projections of a neuron, deliver information to and from the cell.) The greater the number of dendrites, the faster and more smoothly we can understand related information and integrate what we learn into our knowledge base. We literally become smarter, more efficient, and more effective in this area. The inverse equally applies. Underused connections gradually deteriorate and eventually fade.5 Using an electron microscope, we can even see how the inactive connections in the brain gradually disappear.6 A person can thereby fuel the self-control coffers by maintaining control, or unwittingly deplete his capacity to restrain himself with willful, repeated, prolonged outbursts of rage.

  HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE?

  Neural pathways are in constant motion. When a blind person compensates for his lack of sight by developing his sense of touch to learn Braille, the borders of the brain begin to realign in just minutes, expanding areas of the cerebral cortex that control the index finger.7 How long it takes to fully impress a new neural network depends on the intensity, duration, and frequency of both the established routine and the new replacement behavior. Conflicting conclusions exist, in part because we must consider a multitude of factors. Traditionally accepted findings state that constant, repetitive action reconfigures our brains once the neural pathways are bombarded for twenty-one consecutive days. More recent research from the European Journal of Social Psychology finds that it takes, on average, sixty-six days of continuous activity to ingrain a new habit into our physiology. Then, with sufficient repetition, the new behavior becomes automatic. Still, other research suggests that the brain requires focused repetition for six months for neuroplasticity to effect complete change, so that we instinctively respond differently. However long it takes, this doesn’t mean that we won’t experience slipups after this point. Yet it does mean that we will have a physiological advantage in every situation right from the start.