28
The Magnitude of Gratitude
We explained how the brain establishes neural networks that reinforce emotional responses. To maximize anger control, we would do well to build up the surrounding networks that support and synergize a feeling of being calm and in control. Let’s take a real-life metaphor: If a person has a damaged nerve in his leg, whereby the corresponding muscle is unable to receive a signal to contract and expand to facilitate walking, all is not lost. Certain therapies can help the patient build up the muscles around the nerve to compensate for the weakness. To create changes in the brain, we proactively engage in acts that build the shared networks, cause neurons to light up, and the dendrites, or connections, to strengthen. Of all the connections, one stands out as the one from which we get the greatest return on our investment: gratitude.
EXPECT NOTHING AND APPRECIATE EVERYTHING
The physiological and psychological benefits of gratitude are well documented. “Those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who recorded hassles or neutral life events.”1 They were more likely to have made progress toward important personal goals (academic, interpersonal, and health-based), and reported high-energy positive moods, a greater sense of feeling connected to others, more confident about their lives, and better sleep duration and sleep quality, relative to a control group.2 A study by psychologist Dr. Alex Wood, published in the Journal of Research in Personality, shows that gratitude can also reduce the frequency, duration, and intensity of depressive episodes. This is because giving and gratitude (which is itself giving—giving thanks) redirect our attention away from ourselves. When we look for ways to say thanks instead of indulging what may be our more natural impulse to complain, we break down the neural net of anger, frustration, and resentment.
The human mind can focus on only one thought at a time. If we focus on something that makes us appreciative, how likely is it that in that moment we will feel angry or unhappy? It’s almost completely impossible. Gratitude is not simply a matter of looking at events through rose-colored glasses. The reticular activating system (RAS), the brain’s filtering mechanism, which is located at the base of the brain, keeps us from being overwhelmed by unnecessary stimuli. Our objectives (and, in some instances, our fears) dictate what we deem important, and whether or not we unconsciously dismiss or consciously accept something. Our focus becomes our experience, our reality; and we decide what is brought into our purview. For example, when conversing at a cocktail party, you become aware of another conversation and, by shifting your attention, you can “mute” the person who is in front of you and pick up on what is being said further away. The reticular activating system hones in on what we deem important—and creates connections and possibilities that would have remained otherwise dormant.
STOP, REFLECT AND ACT
Reminding ourselves what we are grateful for, and acknowledging this every day, puts our focus on what we have, rather than on what we lack. We then feel, we become, we are more fulfilled. Take a few minutes each day to reflect on, and write down, what you are thankful for in your life. Start with your most consistent blessings—perhaps those we too often take for granted: eyes to see, fingers to touch, food to eat, and clothing to wear. Don’t overthink, and don’t analyze what you write. No erasing or crossing out. Just write down everything and everyone you are grateful for, as the thoughts come to mind. Now, each morning, spend a few minutes reading your gratitude list. Whenever you are so inclined—or better still, when you are less inclined—add to the list. And always remember to take a moment to appreciate what didn’t happen or what didn’t go wrong. Look for gratitude in every area of your life, and you’ll begin to reap the benefits of a different quality of life. Recall from Chapter 8 that gratitude and joy are intimately linked. If we think about the people we know who have a sense of gratitude, we realize they’re the same ones who are joyful. By contrast, those who lack appreciation usually live in a cycle of unrealized expectations and perpetual disappointment.
Moreover, consider putting an attitude of gratitude into action by not just thinking about things you are grateful for, but speaking and behaving like a grateful person. When you conduct yourself in this way, the grateful mindset more easily permeates your nature. Have in mind to take note—in real time—of five pleasant things that happen to you each day—things that you might have previously ignored or shrugged off without much thought. In the midst of each event, spend just seven seconds or so in appreciation.
Here are three other proven strategies to help transform yourself into a person of gratitude; yet equally important is to take a mental step back, by taking a few moments each morning to reflect on who we are, what we are living for, and why. This helps focus your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors on what is important so that distractions and potential frustrations fall naturally into proper perspective.
NOTES OF GRATITUDE
Find a quiet moment to pen a letter to someone to whom you feel especially grateful. Make sure to include as many positive details as possible about how this person has had an impact on your life. It is best to deliver this letter in person, and not on a specific occasion, such as a birthday or anniversary, but “just because.” If you do, you will be privileged to witness the individual’s surprise, delight, and reciprocation of affection and gratitude. This will serve to enhance your own gratitude, leading you to do this more often (even for those with whom you may have lost contact), and to continue to appreciate all the qualities you admire about this individual—and others, as well. If you’re not much of a writer, don’t fret. A phone call or face-to-face conversation is also effective.
WALKS OF GRATITUDE
Take a walk outdoors. It doesn’t matter if there’s a light drizzle or a shining sun, cold or warm outside, gear up and go. As you walk, take the time to admire the beautiful outdoors: the warm and shining sun, the dew-drenched green grass, the sounds of nature, the bright blue sky. If it’s evening, cast your eyes upwards to the majesty of the night sky. Take a moment to enjoy the unparalleled perspective and humility found only in the magnificence of creation—billions of galaxies in a vast universe and ourselves.
As you continue to walk, contemplate all the blessings in your life, and your ability to appreciate all these blessings. Begin walking briskly, becoming mindful of your beating heart, swinging arms, feet hitting the ground at a steady pace, steady but rapid breathing (this integrates a powerful physiological component that reinforces our emotional state.) Now slow down, and as you make your way back home, take a moment to enjoy who you are—a person who takes time out to acknowledge what he has—a person of gratitude.
MONTAGE OF GRATITUDE
Put together a montage, collage, or assortment of pictures, photographs, and quotes of gratitude. Once a week or once a day (it should not be a chore), set aside a picture of something that brings a smile to your face or a feeling of awe and appreciation. It can be a photograph of a calming nature scene, a bright-colored butterfly, a stunning flower, your baby, your loving spouse, your elderly grandmother, your devoted mentor, a memorable vacation, a family get-together, or a recent celebration. When you have collected between fifty and one hundred photos, pictures, quotes, thoughts, and doodles, paste them all—in random order—onto a large poster. Hang this poster in a place where you will see it—and be reminded—every day of all the good in your life.
The principle of hedonic adaptation is the effect of growing accustomed to good in our lives. When this happens, we no longer focus on it, and as time goes by, we derive less and less satisfaction from it. When we acquire something new, we are temporarily happier, less because of its intrinsic worth, beauty or utility than because we are focused on it. The research is definitive: Appreciation creates happiness. We already have everything that we need to be happy, but if we don’t focus on it, then we don’t derive any h
appiness from it. To become a more grateful and thus joyful person, we need only shift our attention to what we do have rather than on what we don’t.
The adage, “You don’t appreciate what you have until you lose it,” is more than just a quaint saying—it is a psychological truism. When you lose something of value, your focus shifts to it, and you are reminded of the joy that it brought you. It’s more than ironic, though, that the pain we feel over its loss doesn’t offset the pleasure it brought if we ignored it while we still had it.
If your attention is on what’s missing and what’s not good, then you can be surrounded by all the good fortune, blessings, and material things in the world and never find happiness. Your focus creates your thoughts, and your thoughts create your emotions. Focus on the positive and you will become a person who is filled with joy and gratitude. Focus on the negative and you will become a person who is unhappy and unpleasant. It comes down to a choice. Are you going to live your life of appreciation or expectation?
The power of focus is in play when it comes to the people in our lives as well, courtesy of the previously noted reticular activating system. Numerous studies prove what our own experiences have already shown us: A person intuitively senses whether we like him, even without a single word being exchanged. When you’re speaking with a person who can bring out the worst in you, mentally focus on his positive trait(s), and he will sense that you like him—and, in turn, he will be inclined to like you. Benjamin Franklin once said, “Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices.” Not to be outdone, President Abraham Lincoln has been quoted as saying, “I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.” If we look for the good in another person, we will find it.
A POSITIVE GROOVE
We can make the claim that we don’t control our world or even some of our behavior. But our thoughts? Why would we choose to focus on what disturbs us, rather than on what enthuses or invigorates us? In a word: habit.
When we find ourselves in unproductive rumination, it can be useful to interrupt it. Recall that a pattern interrupt is a specific act that derails our train of thought to snap ourselves out of a cycle of negativity. While we are retraining our brain to focus on all the good, it is constructive to break free from the nasty habit many of us have of dwelling on the negative, which reinforces competing neural networks. We can’t expect to control the first thought that enters our minds, but how much energy do we give to it to feed on? Will we focus on it, or will we divert our attention to something else? It’s curious that we might choose to torture ourselves, reliving painful memories and focusing on all that is wrong, rather than to appreciate how far we’ve come, all that we have, and where we would like to go.
29
The Anger Games
Disappointment exists in the space between desire and reality, whereby the more reality falls short of our desire, the more disappointed we become. The equation: desire - reality = disappointment. Disappointment, however, is mitigated by one factor: expectation. The greater the gap between desire and expectation, the more disappointment we experience. Therefore, in each situation, regardless of our desire, the more our expectations align (meaning, we expect as much) with reality, the less disappointment we experience.
Can a person be happy to learn that a loved one has broken his ribs and punctured a lung? He can—if a few minutes earlier he learned that the injured was on life support but is now expected to make a full recovery. Does he feel angry? No. To the contrary, he’s filled with gratitude and joy for one reason: Reality has now exceeded his expectations (and, we’ll presume, desire).
In the words of William Shakespeare, “Expectation is the root of all heartache.” Expectations are a product of the ego and produce a toxic disappointment. When we manage our expectations, disappointment never fully matures into anger. Let’s explain by differentiating between desire and expectation. Take, for instance, a parent whose child does poorly in school. Is the parent disappointed? Perhaps. Does the parent become angry with the child because he does poorly? It all depends on the parent’s expectations of the child, and his willingness to accept his child’s limitations. If the child has a learning disability and the parent accepts this, then anger doesn’t exist. However, if the parent refuses to acknowledge his child’s limitations, poor grades only serve as a constant reminder of a reality, a diagnosis that the parent refuses to face. In that case, grades become a source of constant anger and frustration. When reality unfolds in accord with expectation, even though it falls short of desire, our emotional state is not corrupted by the ego. As long as we accept the reality, we won’t become angry—regardless of the experience. We recall the four stages of grief discussed in Chapter 3: denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. We cannot expect that which we refuse to accept.
MANAGING EXPECTATIONS
When reality meets or exceeds our expectations, the ego has no traction—because … drumroll please … we do not feel afraid. Anger’s roots in fear are of major significance. Anger manifests when life doesn’t meet our expectations, when reality surprises us, shocks us. The ego doesn’t like these unpleasant surprises, because it needs to feel in control.
Let’s delve more deeply into the psychological mechanics. If someone rear-ends your car, you might understandably feel shaken and angry. But if you knew that morning that it would happen later that day, when the moment came, you would feel shaken but much less surprised, and thus feel little or no anger. This is critical to understand: Anger exists because of a loss of control. Something happened that was not only undesirable, but unanticipated. By adjusting our expectations, we automatically eliminate the element of surprise in any given situation. Perhaps a milder example: A coworker jumps out from behind your desk—you get scared and a little angry. However, if you knew in advance where he was hiding and what his plan was, there would be no fear and hence no anger.
In these hypothetical scenarios, several important factors mitigate our anger when we have advance knowledge: (1) We reduce our shock and feeling of being out of control because we predicted it. We get to be right! Fulfilled expectations provide a layer of comfort, rather than fear or uneasiness, about even an unpleasant reality. (2) Without the element of fear, we can process the pending event more objectively and in a calm space. We can also see the ridiculous nature of an angry response, and work through our feelings in advance. (3) In the words of Albert Einstein, “In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.” We have the luxury of time to reframe the experience in a greater context and try to find meaning in it—and perhaps look for ways to capitalize on it and turn it into an opportunity. We would not have had the presence of mind to do this in the moment.
LET’S PLAY HOW WILL I BE TRIGGERED TODAY?
We can’t predict, let alone imagine, every anger-triggering scenario, but these situations and anger-provoking people do fall under some familiar themes. It’s curious, if not completely ludicrous, that even though we repeatedly become angry at the same people in the same situation time and again, our ego acts as if each situation were new and unexpected—setting us up each and every time. Refusing to recognize this process is like living in la-la land. It isn’t reality. Unrealized expectations are nothing more than premeditated resentment. Why, you may ask, don’t we naturally adjust our expectations after experiencing these “surprises,” day after day, year after year, decade after decade? A good question. Ask your ego.
* * *
If the forecaster predicts a snowstorm and you are planning on a picnic at the beach, you’re not living in reality, and you’re setting yourself up for utter frustration and disappointment. A wise person would plan on a different activity. Of course, forecasts being what they are, we may only get a light dusting of snow and so your ski trip might be cancelled. Fine. At least you walked out of the house with a scarf and gloves rather than sunblock and flip-flops.
We are not talking about predicting reality, but staying in reality. Here is what we can guarantee with relative accuracy: today�
��s forecast: It will be an imperfect day. You are an imperfect person, living an imperfect life, and things in your day will be imperfect—and that’s all okay. In fact, it’s more than okay. It’s a perfect opportunity for you to develop a greater sense of emotional resiliency, self-control, and self-respect. It is an opportunity to show the world that you are in control of yourself, and in the process, improve almost every aspect of your life and your relationships.
We might feel disrespected today—someone may cut in front of us at the supermarket or on the highway, or ignore our phone call or email. We might feel embarrassed, or someone might yell at us. Today we might feel hurt, helpless, or both. We might feel rejected, lonely, sad, or all three. Today someone might do something that makes no sense—something completely illogical and irrational. Expect it. Someone may try to take advantage of us today or insult us. We might witness an injustice. Someone may inconvenience us; a goal may be delayed; we might realize something unpleasant about ourselves or a loved one; another person’s act may cause us to question the relationship or ourselves; we might become uncomfortable or feel unwanted.
* * *
Again, this is not about expecting the worst or waiting for the other shoe to drop. Rather, to quote an oft-repeated axiom: Hope for the best, and plan for the worst. To plan means that we are cognizant that the shoe drops many, many times every single day, in many different ways, and we can be surprised and get angry, or each time can become an opportunity to fortify our emotional health and transform our character.
30
Game Day
Becoming anger free must be your number-one priority. Don’t think of this as a hobby, where you dabble only when you’re inspired and it’s convenient. Neural networks are competitive, so you need to activate the new response with more frequency, intensity, and duration than your anger-prone network. To help us along we want to track our progress because if you can’t measure it, you can’t change it. Moreover, studies show that recording and reviewing your behavior proves effective across a wide swath of areas. For example, dieters who kept a food journal lost twice as much weight over a six-month period as those who didn’t; and follow-up studies conclude that they kept it off. The simple act of writing everything down a) motivates people to consume less; and b) makes it difficult for them to ignore their slip-ups.1 Keeping a journal or charting your progress toward anger elimination is a way to move the emphasis from a single incidence of behavior to an overall pattern. It is easier, too, to sustain progress if you see evidence in writing. Memory is far more biased when you feel discouraged, and you have a harder time recalling your successes. In addition, tracking your progress allows you to adjust your tactics, because you can examine what’s working and what’s not working. While you may be unwavering in your pursuit, you want to be flexible in your approach.
Never Get Angry Again Page 14