* * *
First, we want a clear and definitive goal—and write it down. Just because you’re motivated doesn’t mean that you have a clear purpose. Formulating a precise definition of what you want to accomplish helps you focus on relevant activities and avoid diversions that distance you from your objectives. In fact, studies find that people are on average ten times more likely to succeed by making a firm resolution to a specific commitment.2 Additionally, the strength of your commitment is magnified—42 percent more likely to achieve your goal—when you write it down, review your statement, and state aloud your commitment to your objective several times throughout the day. And sending weekly updates to a friend can double your rate of success.3
Second, success requires that for a specified period, you don’t reconsider the decision to express your anger in any way. Precious energy trickles out every time you consider, Is this a time to get angry? There, are, of course, those who would claim that when properly expressed, anger may be appropriate. In fairness, there are a number of studies to support this position and yet, for our purposes, the debate is irrelevant, which is why, throughout this book, we have been speaking about anger in absolute terms. We recall from Chapter 5 that emotions help to energize our direction and motivate proper behavior, but only when we first see through the lens of the intellect. Let’s say that 1 percent of the time anger is the proper response. In the heat of the moment, we are not able to make that call, and we will decide that anger is necessary closer to 99 percent of the time. Might you choose to remain calm, only to conclude after the fact that anger was, indeed, called for? Perhaps. But wouldn’t you rather be right 99 percent of the time than 1 percent of the time? By taking anger off the table, we are more inclined to reframe the situation and seek solutions rather than to focus on the problem. King Solomon instructs, “Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, for anger resides in the bosom of fools.”4 Commentators explain that a fool’s anger is readily available and accessible while a wise person stores his anger out of reach, so that by the time he gets to it, he has already calmed himself down. Therefore, in order to strengthen the proper neural networks, regardless of how you feel, the display of anger will be unconditionally off the table as a viable response.
Having a set time frame is also helpful because you will view whatever gains you’ve made appropriately—as gains—rather than considering yourself a failure because you didn’t succeed in completely eradicating the behavior. Start with twenty-four hours or start with five minutes—but start, and make the goal realistic. Anger has five main measurable components: frequency, duration, intensity, trigger, and expression. You chart it any way you like, and again, don’t underestimate the power of keeping a written record of your progress.
• Frequency How often do you get angry? Does it happen every hour? Does it happen every day? Maybe it happens several times one day, and then does not even happen for several days. Keep track of the sheer number of times you feel angry.
• Duration How long do you stay angry? Take note of how long it takes you to reclaim yourself and to snap out of your state.
• Intensity This is a little harder to measure, but you will become more aware of how intense the episodes are once you begin to keep track of them. Using a scale from one to five can help quantify your feelings.
• Trigger There are always certain situations that will more easily spark our anger. This is something you should measure because you might just be surprised at the catalyst. Also, take time to identify the underlying fear at the root of the episode in order to work through it (using the process in Chapter 26).
• Expression What did you do with the anger? This is not a one-size-fits-all category. If you are prone to suppressing your feelings, did you choose to express yourself more openly and honestly? If you usually explode, were you able to contain yourself and calmly exit the situation?
Regarding expression, we have identified three levels of anger: (1) feeling anger in the moment; (2) acting out of anger with aggressive expression; and (3) resentment from unresolved anger. The ideal, of course, is to enjoy a wide perspective where fewer and fewer situations get caught in the ego’s net. Still, if you are unable to avoid feeling angry at the time, progress can be had by restraining your anger. All too often, in the heat of the moment and out of anger, we may say or do something that further increases our feelings of embarrassment or shame. We are then forced to double down, and our anger turns into rage. We lose ourselves to our emotions because we cannot bear the pain of accepting what we’re doing right now—which was in response to something else entirely. The ego goes into survival mode and re-ups the ante, again and again. The bottom line: Do whatever is necessary to avoid rage—the uncontrolled expression of anger.
Regardless of your thoughts and behavior in the moment, wiping the slate clean to rid yourself of lingering resentment, guilt, or shame is a powerful, purposeful step toward an anger free life. As we noted, taking responsibility is not about being perfect—it’s what we do when we discover that we have faltered, and how we move forward to make things right after we have done wrong.
YOU’RE GOING TO LIVE ANGER FREE, GET EXCITED!
Our success coalesces around one requirement: Joy! Joy energizes our decision to live a life that is anger free. You have every reason to be excited because you’re not giving anything up, and you’re not losing out on anything. You are gaining in every way: maximizing your potential and actualizing your dreams, and becoming a happier, healthier person who appreciates all of the good that life has to offer you.
SPECIAL NOTE TO READERS
Although the choices we make during our lives have a strong impact on our emotional stability, severe mental illness, including anger management issues, may result from serious trauma or a genetic disposition. This mental state could affect a person’s basic life functioning so significantly that his or her thoughts and behaviors fall outside the scope of genuine choice. Just as some people are physically disabled, others are emotionally impaired through no fault of their own. They neither choose nor cause their sickness, and to label them lazy or selfish is not only reprehensible, but mistaken. The tools and techniques in this book have shown to be life transforming for many people, but others will benefit from the direct guidance of a mental-health-care professional.
At what point our free will emerges remains a subject of ongoing philosophical, psychological, and biological debate, but the indisputable beginning of all change comes when we make a conscious decision to accept personal responsibility. This means that we put our ego aside and seek whatever help we need to regain control of our lives.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
This is my sixth book with St. Martin’s Press, and I couldn’t be happier to be back with the publishing house that is second to none. It is a great pleasure to acknowledge the tremendous work of the outstanding professionals with whom I have the privilege of working. First and foremost, a big thank you goes to my editor, Daniela Rapp, for her keen insights and thoughtful suggestions. Her professionalism is exceeded only by her patience. A special thanks to St. Martin’s executive vice president and publisher, Jennifer Enderlin, whose continuous enthusiasm for my work and interest in this book is highly appreciated.
Sincere recognition goes to Patricia Weldygo and Tova Salb for their editorial efforts and well-honed suggestions. To Sophia Dembling, a double thank you for her highly thorough and superb copy editing. A special thank you to David Bendkowski for his ever-charming encouragement and to Lauren Jablonski for her always pleasant and proficient correspondence and coordination.
And to the talented people in the production, publicity, marketing, advertising, art, and sales departments, a warm and genuine acknowledgment. While your efforts for this book have just begun, you have already propelled two of my previous books onto The New York Times bestseller list, and helped launch a career that has gone on to impact the lives of millions of people in the United States and around the world. I am apprecia
tive for all that you’ve done and continue to do.
I would like to express my gratitude to those who, throughout the years, have entrusted me to help guide them on their path to emotional wellness. I have learned much from you all, and I stand in awe of your strength, your courage, and your determination.
To my extraordinary and remarkable parents, thank you for having shaped my character; to my wonderful and loving wife, thank you for putting up with this character; and to my generally well-behaved children, who are all remarkable and amazing characters—thank you. You make it all possible and worthwhile. I am humbled and grateful to God, for His many blessings and Whose infinite kindness and benevolence have allowed this book to be written.
ENDNOTES
PART I: THE REAL REASON YOU ARE SO ANGRY
1. How Perspective Takes Shape
1. See M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1978), 17–19. See Roy F. Baumeister, Todd F. Heatherton, and Dianne M. Tice, Losing Control: How and Why People Fail at Self-Regulation (California: Academic Press, 1994). Also see Christopher Peterson and Martin E. P. Seligman, Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification (Oxford, UK: Oxford University Press, 2004).
2. In Proverbs 26:13, King Solomon wrote, “The sluggard says, ‘There is a lion outside! I shall be slain in the streets!’” One might think that the coward would make such a declaration, but the wisest of men teaches us that, rather than accepting the pain and stigma of laziness, we invent fears to justify our inaction. He further explains, “The sluggard [is] wiser in his own conceit than seven men that can render a reason” (Proverbs 26:16), because his warped perception has become so ingrained that he cannot be convinced otherwise. (Laziness is not confined to physical exertion, but to the reluctance to exert effort of any type, including, most certainly, emotionally and cognitively).
2. Angry with Ourselves, Angry at the World
1. William Glasser, Reality Therapy (New York: Harper & Row, 1965).
2. Drew Westen, Pavel Blagov, Keith Harenski, et al., “Neural Bases of Motivated Reasoning: An fMRI Study of Emotional Constraints on Partisan Political Judgment in the 2004 U.S. Presidential Election,” Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience 18, no. 11 (2006): 1947–1958.
3. Elliot Aronson, Timothy D. Wilson, Robert M. Akert, Samuel R. Sommers, Social Psychology, 9th edition (New Jersey, Pearson Education, 2015), 11.
4. Robert Fritz, The Path of Least Resistance: Learning to Become the Creative Force in Our Own Life (New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1989), 140.
5. Ecclesiastes 5:9.
3. Isolated from Ourselves, Disconnected from Others
1. Abraham J. Twerski, A Formula for Proper Living: Practical Lessons from Life and Torah (Jewish Lights Publishing, 2009).
2. See Martin L. Hoffman, “Toward a Comprehensive Empathy-Based Theory of Prosocial Moral Development” (2001), in Arthur C. Bohart and D. J. Stipek, eds., Constructive and Destructive Behavior: Implications for Family, School, and Society.
3. See W. Keith Campbell, Eric A. Rudich, and Constantine Sedikides, “Narcissism, Self-Esteem, and the Positivity of Self-Views: Two Portraits of Self Love,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 358–368, http://psp.sagepub.com/content/28/3/358.short (accessed on August 30, 2016).
4. Seth Rosenthal, “The Fine Line Between Confidence and Arrogance: Investigating the Relationship of Self-esteem to Narcissism,” Dissertation Abstracts International, 66 (5-B) (2005): 2868.
5. Wade C. Rowatt, Christie Powers, Valerie Targhetta, et al., “Development and Initial Validation of an Implicit Measure of Humility Relative to Arrogance,” Journal of Positive Psychology 1, no. 2 (2006): 198–211.
4. Step Right Up and Choose Your Reality
1. The scenario follows interpersonal relationships, and Part IV expands the discussion to the other primary source of anger—the universe. Whether our plans are thwarted or hardships encountered, it is too easy to feel that we are being rejected by God because we are not worthy of happiness and success.
2. When the threat is not real, as in the case of a horror movie or haunted house, the fight or flight mechanism is still active to the degree that we suspend belief. However, as noted, we do not become angry because we remain in control. Therefore, in real-life scenarios, whenever our imagination gets the better of us, remind yourself that you are safe and in control, and follow the protocol in Chapter 27.
It will not happen automatically because your neural network has been habituated to responding to false alarms—becoming frightened even when we know the fear is not real. But, in a short time, you can create a different, dominant network that will override the fear-based one. The method is akin to desensitization or exposure therapy, a highly effective treatment for a range of phobic and anxiety disorders, that helps the sufferer process the situation logically and rationally, rather than emotionally.
PART II: THE COST OF LIVING, THE PRICE OF ESCAPING
5. Why Smart People Do Dumb Things
1. Antonio Damasio, Descartes’ Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain (New York: Putnam, 1994), 193.
2. Ibid., 194.
3. Walter Mischel, Yuichi Shoda, and Philip K. Peake, “The Nature of Adolescent Competencies Predicted by Preschool Delay of Gratification,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 54, no. 4 (1988): 687–696.
4. Peterson and Seligman, Character Strengths and Virtues. Deficiencies in self-regulation have also been linked to a broad spectrum of personal and social issues, including addiction, substance abuse, debt and bankruptcy, smoking, and obesity. See Roy H. Baumeister, Todd F. Heatherton, and Dianne M. Tice, Losing Control: How and Why People Fail at Self-Regulation (San Diego, CA: Academic Press, 1994).
5. G. Alan Marlatt and Judith R. Gordon eds., Relapse Prevention: Maintenance Strategies in the Treatment of Addictive Behaviors (New York: Guilford Press, 1985). Rajita Sinha, “Modeling Stress and Drug Craving in the Laboratory: Implications for Addiction Treatment Development,” Addiction Biology 14, no. 1 (2009): 84–98.
6. Todd F. Heatherton and Dylan D. Wagner, Cognitive Neuroscience of Self-Regulation Failure (publication forthcoming), http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3062191/
7. Craig A. Anderson and Brad J. Bushman, “Human Aggression,” Annual Review of Psychology 53 (2002): 27–51.
8. Sabrina D. Bruyneel, Siegfried Dewitte, Philip Hans Franses, and Marnik G. Dekimpe, “I Felt Low and My Purse Feels Light: Depleting Mood Regulation Attempts Affect Risk Decision Making,” Journal of Behavioral Decision Making 22, no. 2 (2009): 153–170.
9. Leah H. Somerville, Rebecca M. Jones, and B. J. Casey, “A Time of Change: Behavioral and Neural Correlates of Adolescent Sensitivity to Appetitive and Aversive Environmental Cues,” Brain and Cognition 72, no. 1 (2010): 124–133.
10. Viktoriya Magid, Craig R. Colder, Laura R. Stroud, et al., “Negative Affect, Stress, and Smoking in College Students: Unique Associations Independent of Alcohol and Marijuana Use,” Addictive Behavior 34, no. 11 (2009): 973–975.
11. Rajita Sinha, “The Role of Stress on Addiction Relapse,” Current Psychiatry Reports 9, no. 5 (2007): 388–395. Katie Witkiewitz and Nadia Aracelliz Villarroel, “Dynamic Association Between Negative Affect and Alcohol Lapses Following Alcohol Treatment,” PubMed article (2009), http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19634957 (accessed on August 30, 2016).
12. Todd F. Heatherton, C. Peter Herman, and Janet Polivy, “Effects of Physical Threat and Ego Threat on Eating Behavior,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 60, no. 1 (1991): 138–143. Michael Macht, “How Emotions Affect Eating: A Five-Way Model,” Appetite 50, no. 1 (2008): 1–11.
13. Sherry A. McK
ee, Rajita Sinha, Andrea H. Weinberger, et al., “Stress Decreases the Ability to Resist Smoking and Potentiates Smoking Intensity and Reward,” Journal of Psychopharmacology (2011). DOI: 10.1177/0269881110376694.
6. A Fight to the Death
1. “Self-Reliance,” Essays: First Series, 1841. Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803–1882) was an American essayist, lecturer, and poet.
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