by Alex Marcoux
The two sat quietly at the patio table, both sensing a distance between them. Charlotte finally started, “Are you surprised I’m gay?
“Yeah, very surprised.” Sidney remained distant. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Charlotte was silent for some time, collecting her thoughts. “I don’t know.”
“You’re not even going to try to do better than that?”
“I didn’t think my sexual orientation was relevant to our friendship. Part of me still doesn’t.”
“You don’t think honesty is relevant to a friendship?”
“You know that’s not what I said.” Charlotte paused and stared out at the river, collecting her thoughts. “You’re not going to make this easy for me, are you?”
Sidney continued staring out at the water, remaining distant.
“To be honest, Sid, I was scared to death you wouldn’t understand, and you’d terminate our friendship. And our friendship means a lot to me, but that’s it. I have no hidden agenda. I’m not here-to corrupt your life, Sid. I just enjoy our friendship, that’s all.”
Sidney shook her head. “I don’t understand it, Charlotte. I’ve never really thought about it as an option.” She paused, then asked, “Does this make me homophobic?”
“You’re not homophobic. Maybe a little unaware.”
Sidney remained quiet for some time, then asked, “Why do you think you’re gay?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Some people believe it’s biological and others believe it’s psychological. Me? I’m just more comfortable with women sexually, than with men.” Charlotte was trying to read Sidney. “Are you okay with this? Can we still be friends?”
“Yes, I’m okay. But do you have any other little secrets?” Sidney smiled, then confided, “One of the things I was surprised at yesterday, was that a lot of the gay people seemed…what’s the word? Unstereotypical?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know, you always hear about the butch or dyke women and men who are queens.”
“Yeah, and whips and chains and uniforms, and so forth.” Charlotte laughed before continuing. “Gays and lesbians come in all shapes and sizes, Sidney. They can be stereotypical or not. You have to understand, a lot of people could lose their housing, employment, even their children if their lifestyles were made known. That’s why so many people stay in the closet.”
“If all these people are in the closet, how do you know they’re gay?”
“Gaydar.”
Chapter 19
Two weeks later, Charlotte, Natalie, Scott, and Gary were finishing the final coat of paint in the nursery while Sidney prepared dinner. The nursery was starting to take shape; the carpeting was going in the following week.
Sidney quickly learned that Scott and Gary were warm and caring men. She also found it amusing that Charlotte and Natalie nagged each other all the time. During dinner that evening, Sidney asked, “Do you realize the two of you sound like an old married couple?” The two women looked at each other and laughed.
After dinner, Natalie asked Scott and Gary if they wanted to take a walk to the waterfront. Scott grabbed a sweatshirt for Gary. “Put this on, there’s a chill in the air.”
When Sidney and Charlotte were alone, Sidney asked, “Have you and Natalie ever…ever been involved?”
“No.”
“Why not? It’s obvious the two of you love each other.”
“We talked about it once. There’s definitely an attraction there, but we’ve become such good friends. We realize we have too much to lose if it didn’t work.”
“That’s a pretty unattached way to look at it.”
“Besides, we’ve known each other for so long, it probably would be like sleeping with a sister, or something.”
“How long have Gary and Scott been together?”
“Going on five years.”
“Gary looks tired. Is he okay?”
“No.” Charlotte paused momentarily. “He has AIDS.”
“I wondered.” Sidney was quiet for a while, then said, “This must be very difficult on Scott. Is he okay?”
“He’s not HIV-positive, if that’s what you’re asking. The two of them entered the relationship practicing safe sex, but Gary had already been infected. They learned he had AIDS the beginning of the year.”
“I’m sorry your friends are going through this.” Then Sidney changed the subject, “I signed up for Lamaze this week; it starts Wednesday.”
“That’s great. I’m glad you’re doing it.”
“My doctor said I would get more out of it if I had a Lamaze partner.” Sidney looked at Charlotte. “Would you?”
“Would I…would I be your Lamaze partner?” Charlotte was beaming.
“Yeah, would you?”
“Of course.”
At times Charlotte had forgotten Sidney’s history. Sidney had committed to stay out of work until the baby was born, and had isolated herself from everyone she knew, maintaining the secrecy of the pregnancy. Charlotte was the only person who knew the truth, and she was Sidney’s only close friend.
“Sid, do you think you’ll ever tell Whitman about the baby?” Charlotte changed the subject.
“You sure know how to kill a mood,” Sidney remarked. “I don’t know. I just want the baby to get here, be safe and healthy, and then I’ll think about it.”
Moments later, Natalie and the guys returned to the house. In the foyer Gary removed his sweatshirt and Sidney noticed a striking pendant fall gracefully against his chest. It seemed familiar, somehow, as she stared and admired it.
Sidney went to the foyer, away from the rest of the group. “That’s beautiful, Gary.”
“Thank you.”
“May I?” she asked. As she reached for the pendant, Sidney looked deep into Gary’s brown eyes.
“Sure.”
Sidney picked up the golden pendant to examine it. It had a loop on top of a T cross. “It seems so familiar. I must have had one of these when I was a kid, or something. What’s it called?”
“An ankh.”
“An ankh? What does it signify?”
Gary smiled. “The general meaning is life.’ But there’s a lot of disagreement about what the symbol represents. Its origin is ancient Egypt. Some believe it means immortality, or man and woman or the key to the Nile River. But my favorite meaning is not life-but resurrection.”
“Resurrection?”
“Yeah. Some believe that it symbolizes reincarnation and is the key to the gates of life and death.” Gary smiled warmly as his hand enveloped Sidney’s hand holding the ankh. “That’s what I’m banking on.”
Sidney smiled back at Gary. “It’s beautiful, Gary. Thank you for sharing that with me.”
Charlotte rearranged her work schedule to make all the Lamaze sessions. As Sidney’s due date approached, Charlotte spent more time at the shore house helping Sidney. When she was unable to help out, Natalie filled in. Charlotte also saved her vacation and personal time so she could take time off to help when the baby arrived. The baby’s due date came and went and both Charlotte and Natalie appeared more eager to have the baby than Sidney.
Charlotte was at work when she received the page, and her heart began to race when she read “911” on the beeper display. It’s that time. She knew the baby was on its way and immediately called the house.
“Hello,” Sidney answered.
“It’s me. What’s going on?”
“I’m heading out to the hospital. The contractions are about two minutes apart. Will you be able to join me?” Sidney asked calmly.
“Two minutes apart? Get to the hospital. I’m leaving now; I’ll see you within two hours. I’ll have my mobile on if-” Then she heard a thump. “Sidney? Sidney?”
She heard a muffled noise from the telephone handset; then a familiar voice came on. “Hi, it’s me. She can’t talk now, she’s having a contraction.”
“Natalie, thank God you’re still there. Take her to Monmouth Med. I should be there within two ho
urs. I’ll have my cellular on. Call me if anything changes.”
Charlotte was a nervous wreck all the way to the hospital. Although she had practiced the commute on two occasions, she made two wrong turns. Sidney was about seven centimeters dilated when Charlotte arrived, and six hours later Justin Paul was born. As Charlotte cut the umbilical cord, she could not hold back the tears.
Both Natalie and Charlotte stayed at the hospital that night. They shared an uncomfortable Murphy bed in Sidney’s room. Sidney was up most of the night, breast-feeding Justin. The following morning, Charlotte was rocking Justin when a nurse came in and wakened Sidney.
“Is that necessary?” Natalie asked. “She just fell asleep after being up for 48 hours.”
“No, it’s okay,” Sidney said. “What do you need?”
“I need this filled out for the birth certificate,” the nurse stated.
“I’ll take it,” Natalie said, and the nurse handed her the form. She filled in the easy answers, talking to herself as she did it. “Name of mother, Sidney Marcum. Sidney, do you have a middle name?”
“Ann,” she answered.
“Name of father?” Natalie asked, but there was no response. Natalie glanced at Sidney who was looking over at Charlotte. She repeated the question. “Name of father?”
“Unknown,” Sidney replied.
Although Natalie wrote “unknown,” she whispered to herself, “There’s more to this story than that.”
Sidney stared at Charlotte. My God, Charlotte knows so much about me. More than anyone. The morning light had filtered in through the Venetian blinds. Charlotte appeared tired, but peaceful as she held the newborn. Where would I be today, if it weren’t for her? Probably still with Michael.
Charlotte was admiring the new arrival and smiling. You are so precious, young man.
Sidney and Justin were discharged the following afternoon. Charlotte and Natalie took them home. After settling in, Natalie announced she had to get back to work the next morning, and soon left.
Charlotte had made arrangements to stay on a few weeks to help Sidney out. After she went back to work, she returned to the shore house on her days off for another three weeks. Justin was a little over six weeks old when Charlotte told Sidney, “Some things at work have been slipping. I’ll need to spend more time there, so I won’t be able to visit for a while.”
Initially, Sidney felt bad that her life had interfered in Charlotte’s job. She showed her support by not calling and bothering her. Charlotte called every other day initially, and then she started calling weekly. Sidney found that she looked forward to her calls, and soon realized she missed her.
About two weeks had lapsed between phone calls, then Charlotte finally called. “Hi Sidney, how’s the little one?”
“He’s wonderful, you wouldn’t recognize him. Do you realize he’s three months old tomorrow?”
“Really?”
“Has work lightened up for you at all?”
“Not really; it’s been really crazy around here. I did 70 hours last week. This week I’ll probably beat that.” Charlotte sounded tired.
“Do you see any light at the end of the tunnel? It would be nice to see you before I enroll Justin in kindergarten.”
“I’m hoping next month’s schedule lightens up, then I’ll come down and visit.”
“Well, I miss you. Please take care of yourself,” Sidney said.
“Got to go, bye.” Charlotte hung up.
Sidney was disturbed by Charlotte’s telephone call. Is it my imagination? Or did she sound distant? Now she felt guilty. She’s probably putting the extra hours in because of all the time she took off because of me.
She picked up the phone again, then punched in the numbers.
“Hi, Natalie. It’s me.”
“Hi Sid, how’s my favorite nephew?”
“Great.”
“Is everything okay?” It was unusual for Sidney to call Natalie at work.
“Yeah, I just wanted to make sure we’re still on for Saturday.”
“I’ll be there.”
It had become customary for Natalie to visit Sidney and Justin every other Saturday. Natalie arrived at the shore house promptly at eleven o’clock. She took the two out for shopping and lunch. Justin slept through lunch while they talked at the restaurant.
“Natalie, how’s Charlotte doing?” Sidney asked.
“What do you mean? You two are talking to each other, aren’t you?” Natalie asked.
“We talk, but she seems preoccupied. I know she has a lot of pressure at work, and she’s putting in a lot of time. Did she get in trouble for taking time off when JP was born? Is her job in any way threatened?”
“I think you should talk this over with Charlotte, not me.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to put you in a compromising situation. I’m just worried about her.”
Natalie studied her friend. “Sidney, Charlotte is going through something right now. It wouldn’t be right for me to talk about it. Why don’t you go into the city sometime and surprise her?”
“Maybe I’ll do that.”
As Sidney drove into the city, she was rehearsing what she would tell Charlotte when she surprised her. Hi! Just happened to be in the neighborhood and….Right. It had been over seven weeks since she had seen her. She knew something was wrong and she feared the worst. What if she’s sick? I’ll get myself sick, if I don’t stop worrying about her. Then another thought crossed her mind. Maybe she’s met someone. As she thought it, she felt a flutter of jealousy. Ouch. Now why did that bother me? Then her attention was drawn back to Justin, in the carrier on the seat next to her. He giggled as he stared at the swaying charms hanging from the carrier’s handle.
She had not been to New York Hospital since the night she was raped. Memories of that dreadful night crept into her reality. As she walked blindly down the fifth floor corridor a woman’s voice brought her back. “Can I help you find someone?” a nurse asked.
“I’m looking for Charlotte Gray’s office,” Sidney responded.
The nurse looked at the baby. “He is just beautiful.” Then she introduced herself. “I’m Nancy, I work with Dr. Gray. Her office is right around the corner, but she’s not back from lunch yet. Is she expecting you?”
“Well, no. This is kind of a surprise. I’m a friend, and she hasn’t seen her nephew in close to two months, so I thought I’d surprise her.”
“Come back to the waiting area, you’ll be more comfortable there.”
“Thank you.”
Within twenty minutes, Charlotte rushed through the waiting area. “Nancy, could you pull the Schmidt and Greenburg charts? Thanks.” Charlotte was preoccupied with what she was reading. Oblivious to her surroundings, she never looked up and never saw Sidney waiting for her. Her hair was longer and she appeared thinner.
Oh, no. She is sick, Sidney thought as Charlotte walked passed her.
Sidney picked up the infant carrier and went to the nurses station. Justin was asleep. “Nancy, can I take those in?”
“Sure.” She handed Sidney the charts.
When Sidney opened the door to Charlotte’s office, she was surprised at how dark it was. The blinds remained closed.
“Just put the charts on the credenza,” Charlotte almost barked.
Sidney did so, and said, “Don’t you ever say ‘please’ when you ask people to do things for you?”
Charlotte appeared stunned. “Sidney? What…what are you doing here?”
Sidney rested the baby carrier on the floor next to the credenza, and Charlotte changed the subject. “Oh my God, look how big he’s gotten.”
As Charlotte admired the baby, Sidney continued to assess the situation. She opened the vertical blinds. There were a half-dozen empty Styrofoam cups around the office. The trash basket overflowed with the remains of fast-food meals. A couple pairs of soiled hospital scrubs were tossed on the sofa. Charlotte pulled the reading glasses from her face. Dark circles under her eyes blemished her attractive
face.
“What the hell is going on here?” Sidney demanded in a hushed voice, so she would not wake the baby.
“I don’t know, you tell me.”
“What is wrong? Why won’t you come visit us?”
Charlotte remained silent.
“Did I do something wrong?”
Charlotte avoided eye contact by staring out the window.
Sidney pulled Charlotte’s face so her blue eyes met her own. “You look like hell. Are you sick?”
“No.”
“Please tell me what’s wrong.”
“You won’t understand, Sid.”
Sidney reached for Charlotte’s hand. “Then help me try to understand.”
Charlotte appeared uncomfortable and released Sidney’s hand, then picked up the phone. “Nancy, I’m going to be a little while…could you hold my calls? Thank you.” She hung up. “I don’t know where to start.” Charlotte paused. “I crossed the line, Sid. I didn’t intend to, I don’t even know when it happened. But it happened.”
Sidney could see tears in Charlotte’s eyes. “You’re scaring me, Charlotte, what the hell are you talking about?”
“Sid, I’ve fallen in love with you,” Charlotte admitted.
Sidney remained silent.
“I’m sorry. Between Lamaze and JP’s birth, then spending the vacation time with the two of you, I fell. I didn’t realize it until I came back to work. I thought the best thing I could do was to stay away for a while and hope my feelings subside or get under control.”
Sidney was quiet for a long time. “Were you ever going to tell me?”
“That wasn’t the plan. I was hoping I could get through this by myself.”
Sidney remained silent, staring out the window.
“Our friendship means the world to me, Sid. I don’t want to lose it. I know how upset you got when you found out I’m gay. I knew you wouldn’t take kindly to this. Are you mad?”
“No. Actually I don’t know what I am,” Sidney admitted. “I know I miss you.” She approached Charlotte and took one of her hands. Charlotte cried, and her pain was more than Sidney could stand. She put her arms around Charlotte’s neck, and hugged her to comfort her. Sidney whispered, “Maybe we can work this out together.”