Facades

by Alex Marcoux

  But Sidney’s sensitivity seemed to intensify Charlotte’s pain. She stiffened at Sidney’s embrace; her tears fell and would not stop. Sidney loosened her hold and could see Charlotte’s anguish. Gently, she wiped a tear from her face with a thumb. Her skin is so soft. Another tear fell, and instinctively she kissed the tear away. Then she repeated the kiss for another tear, closer to Charlotte’s lips. Before she had chance to understand her feelings and actions, her lips met Charlotte’s.

  For a split second, the two women kissed until their minds caught up with their feelings. Sidney backed away from Charlotte.

  “Oh my God. I’m so sorry.” She checked on Justin; the baby was still asleep. “I’ve got to go.” She quickly picked up the baby carrier and was gone before Charlotte had a chance to object.

  As. Sidney drove the Garden State Parkway toward her home, she reflected on what had happened in Charlotte’s office. Sidney always knew that Charlotte was an attractive woman. The fact that she kissed Charlotte was not what disturbed her. What bothered her was that she found herself attracted to her. She recalled her feelings while they kissed. My God…I wanted more.

  Over the past three months, Sidney had wondered if her thoughts of Charlotte went beyond friendship. Their kiss answered her question.

  Sidney’s struggles involved her Catholic upbringing. As a child, she had been led to believe that homosexuality was sinful. Although she was not a practicing Catholic, the years of parochial schooling could not be easily forgotten.

  How could this be happening to me? Sidney asked herself. Homosexuality was never an option she considered before. She always believed it was one of those things that only happened to others, not herself. She had been married and had sex with men, some of it was even enjoyable. Why the hell am I thinking about a woman?

  Sidney realized she was getting herself upset. She looked in the mirror and saw tears forming. Immediately she pulled off the road. Justin was waking and looking for his lunch. She enjoyed feeding him and it calmed her.

  I’m getting upset over nothing; it was just a kiss. It doesn’t mean I’m gay, she tried to convince herself. Oh my God. She told me she was in love with me, and I kissed her. How insensitive could I have been?

  *

  After Sidney put the baby down that evening, her thoughts returned to Charlotte. A couple times she picked up the phone and called her, but hung up before the phone rang.

  Then she called Natalie. “I took your advice and went to the hospital to see Charlotte.”

  “You did? How did it go?” Natalie asked.

  “Well, she told me she was in love with me, and I kissed her.” Sidney sounded upset and Natalie knew she was troubled.

  “Girl, you better tell me what happened, and don’t leave out any details.” Natalie was concerned for both her friends. After Sidney filled her in, Natalie asked, “How are you?”

  “I’m worried I hurt Charlotte even more.”

  “But how do you feel about her?”

  “I’m scared, Natalie. In retrospect, I knew I had feelings for her, but I can’t be … I can’t be a lesbian.” God, I hate that word. Lesbian. It sounds like a disease. “I just don’t know. I feel like such an idiot.”

  “Tell her,” Natalie encouraged.

  “Tell her what?”

  “Tell her what you just told me. It sounds like you’re confused. Just don’t stop talking to each other.”

  The following day Sidney paged Charlotte. It took Charlotte fifteen minutes to call.

  “Hi, it’s me,” Charlotte said. “You called?”

  “We need to talk. Can you come down to the shore, or should I go up there?”

  Charlotte hesitated, then said, “I can be there around five.”

  A distance separated the two when they met again. Justin was interested in playing, which helped break the ice. “I can’t believe how much he’s changed,” Charlotte said as she picked him up. The two women exchanged small talk until the baby was tired out, fed, and fast asleep in Charlotte’s arms. Sidney took the infant from her and laid him down in his crib.

  “Thanks for coming down. I know you’re busy,” Sidney started. “Did you have a hard time getting off from work?”

  “No, I was due. The extra work hours I’ve been putting in have been self-inflicted, to get my mind off things.”

  “Charlotte … I don’t know how to say this.”

  Just do it Sidney. I’m a big girl. Let me get on with my life. Charlotte had come prepared for the worst and repeated what she was thinking. “Just say it, Sid. I’ll be okay. Believe me.”

  “I’m so sorry for kissing you yesterday. I was way out of line. It was very insensitive of me to do under the circumstances.”

  Here it comes. Charlotte was preparing herself.

  “I wish I could explain why it happened or how I felt after our kiss…but I can’t. Except it scared the shit out of me.”

  Slow death. Is that my punishment, Sidney?

  “I’ve known that I had feelings for you for some time, Charlotte.”

  What? “What?”

  “I was too scared to admit them or try to understand them. It was easier for me to just pretend they didn’t exist, because the thought of being gay just…just scares me.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m not sure.” For the first time Sidney laughed. “I don’t know if I’m gay. But I know I love you and would like to see where this could go. But I also know this is a big risk for you.”

  I wasn’t prepared for this. Charlotte smiled for the first time in months.

  Sidney smiled back and laughed. “So, do you want to date or something?”

  The following weekend, the two agreed to have their first date. Charlotte and Sidney planned to go out for a quiet dinner, while one of Sidney’s neighbors babysat Justin. It was Sidney’s first time being separated from her child. She found it difficult to relax during her evening out and excused herself twice during dinner to telephone the sitter.

  When the two returned to the house they found Justin crying in the babysitter’s arms. “I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He just keeps crying,” she said as she handed Justin to Sidney.

  Heartbroken that her child was distressed, Sidney unbuttoned her shirt and took the baby in her arms. Justin did not settle down easily. Sidney turned to Charlotte, “I know this hasn’t been a relaxing evening. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize. I know your priority is JP. It should be.”

  “This might take a while. The guestroom is made up; why don’t you go to bed? We can visit in the morning.”

  Charlotte kissed Justin on the forehead, then squeezed Sidney’s arm. “Good night,” she said.

  After Charlotte left, Sidney admitted to herself, It’s probably just as well JP is up. The thought of being alone with her…scares me.

  Sidney’s thoughts and fears of Charlotte and the possibility of being gay haunted her. Once in bed, she tossed and turned, checking the display on her clock over and over. At 1:25 A.M. she gave up and decided to find refuge in a book. She dressed in her bathrobe and slippers and went downstairs. Stealing her novel from the living room end table, she moved into the sunroom. But before she turned the lights on, she became captivated with the river, and went to the window to view its beauty. A full moon illuminated the sky and lit up the river with millions of twinkles.

  In awe, she whispered, “It’s beautiful.”

  “It is,” a familiar voice said from behind her. You are too.

  Sidney turned to find Charlotte curled up on a couch behind her, covered with an afghan. The moonlight reflected her delicate image.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Charlotte said.

  “You didn’t.” Sidney maintained her stance at the window. “What are you doing up?”

  “Got things on my mind. What are you doing up?”

  “I thought I heard JP,” Sidney lied. “What’s on your mind?”

  “You,” Charlotte admitted.

&
nbsp; Sidney’s heart seemed to skip a beat. Why did I have to ask her that?

  As if reading her mind Charlotte said, “Sorry, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

  “I. couldn’t sleep,” Sidney admitted, then she looked back out on the water. “I’m scared, Charlotte.”

  “We both are.”

  “Would you believe I was actually relieved when JP acted up tonight?”

  “I know.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah.” There was an uncomfortable pause. “Sidney, I’m not going to push you into anything. If it’s your choice, someday you’ll have to make the first move.”

  “And you’re okay with that?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “What do we do in the meantime?” Sidney asked.

  “Be friends.” Charlotte could see Sidney smile. “Can I hold you?” Charlotte lifted the cover, gesturing for Sidney to join her on the couch. “I promise, I won’t bite.”

  Cautiously, Sidney approached the couch and lay down, resting her head on Charlotte’s shoulder. Charlotte covered Sidney with the afghan, then gently cradled her. Initially, Charlotte could feel Sidney stiffen up, and when she relaxed, Charlotte whispered, “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For trusting me.”

  Sidney responded by turning her body closer to Charlotte. She could see that Charlotte’s eyes were closed. As she lay in her arms, Sidney could not help but feel safe. Eventually, Charlotte’s breathing seemed to deepen and with each breath, Sidney could feel her friend’s breast against her own.

  She knew Charlotte had fallen asleep, which heightened her curiosity. Now, she was free to explore what she was feeling by holding Charlotte closely. She knew her heart was beating faster than usual. Relax Sidney, she lectured herself. Soon she was surprised at how comfortable and even natural it felt to hold a woman.

  Charlotte stirred. “Are you okay?”

  Startled, Sidney released her hold on Charlotte. “I thought you were asleep.”

  “I nodded off.” Then she turned her body so they could look into each other’s eyes. “Are you okay?”

  Sidney studied her friend’s eyes. She was aware that her heart was beating faster than usual and her palms seemed to be sweating. “Can I kiss you?”

  Charlotte nodded, then waited.

  Sidney delicately placed her lips on Charlotte’s, then withdrew. Without saying another word, she joined their lips again gently. Again, she retreated, analyzing her feelings.

  For the third time, she kissed Charlotte. Her lips parted and her tongue delicately traced her partner’s lips. Sidney’s initial gentleness had been replaced with more urgency, and this time, Charlotte responded by kissing her back passionately. Within minutes, Sidney felt as if she had melted. Her barriers had broken down and her inhibitions were gone, and she knew that this was right.

  Chapter 20

  Charlotte and Sidney’s relationship blossomed. Sidney quickly realized she had fallen in love. Charlotte was wonderful with Justin, and Justin seemed to equally enjoy her. Although Charlotte kept her apartment in the city, she essentially lived in the shore house. Soon her mail started coming to Sidney’s house.

  One day a letter was delivered to “Charlie Gray.”

  “Charlotte, who’s Charlie?” Sidney asked.

  “Who’s who?”

  Sidney dropped the letter addressed to “Charlie Gray” in front of her.

  Charlotte recognized the return address of a college friend. “That’s me,” she answered. “Charlie is a nickname I got when I went to college.”

  “Charlie? I like that,” Sidney answered.

  Sidney was surprised when she received a letter from David Jacobs. The letter was sent to her post office box in the city. David wrote, “Please call ASAP.”

  When Sidney called, he bragged about a great new group Global Records had just signed. “They call themselves the Gang. They don’t have a personal manager yet,” he said.

  “So?”

  “So? You can do it,” he said. The rest became history.

  Among Sidney’s new challenges were balancing her new business, Justin, and her relationship with Charlotte. Initially, she worked out of her home, but her business quickly grew, and she needed to move it to the city. Although Charlotte was wonderful helping Sidney with Justin, she soon realized she needed a nanny and, after an extensive search, she hired Lynette Floras. The Hispanic woman had impeccable references with years of experience as a nanny and housekeeper.

  Sidney knew from the start that she needed to establish ground rules regarding her business activity. Historically she had become obsessed with her work, and other facets of her life were compromised. But this time she refused to allow her career to control her life. My top priority; is JP and Charlie, and nothing is going to change that.

  As the three approached their first Christmas together, Charlotte convinced Sidney to spend the holidays at her house in Vail, Colorado. The contemporary house sat at the base of Vail’s eastern slope, offering spectacular views of the surrounding mountains. They hung stockings from the stone-faced fireplace in the great room and decorated an eight-foot Douglas Fir in white lights, angels and ribbons. A dusting of snow on the deck, seen through the sliding glass doors of the great room, contributed to the festivities.

  Justin, who was now one, sat in the middle of the room playing with one of his new toys, while Sidney and Charlotte relaxed, enjoying the fire and their hot apple cider.

  “How long have you had this place?” Sidney asked.

  “I had it built about ten years ago, before Vail became so popular,” Charlotte answered.

  “It’s a lovely place. This is a great way to spend the holidays.”

  “It is,” Charlotte agreed. She moved closer to Sidney, placed her arm around Sidney’s shoulders and kissed her gently. “Let’s make this our tradition. Let’s come here for the holidays each year.”

  “That sounds like a wonderful idea.”

  Charlotte changed the subject. “Have you given anymore thought to telling Michael about JP?”

  “You sure know how to kill a mood, don’t you?”

  Sidney’s biggest fear was that Michael would try to take Justin from her. Charlotte tried to remain optimistic. “You can’t hide him the rest of your life. It could be disastrous if he found out about JP from somebody else.”

  “Charlie, you’re the only one who knows. Who’s going to tell him?” Sidney was getting upset.

  “It’s public record that you were married to the man. Justin was born six months after your divorce. Any cruel reporter could have a field day. I think you should talk with Jennifer and see what you can do to protect yourself.”

  Reluctantly, Sidney agreed.

  “Did you know you were pregnant before the divorce?” Jennifer asked Sidney.

  “That’s why I needed a quick divorce, Jennifer,” Sidney admitted. “He would never have let me go if he knew I was carrying his child.”

  Jennifer agreed with Charlotte. The threat that Michael could learn about Justin through an outside source was too dangerous. She was also concerned that a court would look unfavorably on Sidney, since she had hidden the pregnancy from Michael during the divorce proceedings.

  “I think we should go on the offensive and tell Michael he’s Justin’s father,” Jennifer recommended. “Then negotiate an agreeable visitation arrangement. That’s if Michael wants to be involved in Justin’s upbringing.”

  Sidney strongly objected, but Jennifer was able to convince her that if Michael ever found out and went on the offensive, there could be serious repercussions.

  Michael and his attorney were contacted regarding Justin, but his response surprised them all. Michael denied the possibility that he could have fathered the child, then accused Sidney of attempting to extort support from him. Sidney knew that Michael had remarried, and his wife was expecting a child. She decided his need to procreate had been satisfied.

  But one month later, Michael
demanded a genetic test on Justin to determine if he was his son. Neither Sidney nor Charlotte was prepared for the roller coaster of emotions that followed. Sidney refused to put Justin though any unnecessary blood work. Months of legal posturing followed before Michael accepted the premise that Justin was his son, and a preliminary visitation arrangement was agreed upon.

  Sidney’s heart broke the first day Michael and Beverly, his new wife, took Justin for visitation. Both Michael and Beverly picked up Justin at the shore house for their first weekend visit. Justin was almost two years old, and Beverly was eight months pregnant. Before they left with Justin, Michael looked around the house. Charlotte and Sidney had renovated the house and built on an addition.

  “The bungalow looks good,” Michael said.

  Then Justin was taken from Sidney, crying as the strangers pulled him from his mother’s arms. When the limousine departed and was out of sight, Charlotte came out of hiding and joined Sidney.

  “I hope this doesn’t backfire on us,” Sidney said as the tears came.

  Charlotte could feel her pain. She put her arms around Sidney and held her close.

  Sidney noticed what appeared to be a needle mark on Justin that Sunday evening. “Damn him,” she uttered to Charlotte, “I bet you he had blood taken.”

  A month later Jennifer received formal papers demanding visitation every other weekend. The documents proposed a $200 per week child support, with generous increases as Justin got older.

  “I don’t want his damn money,” Sidney complained.

  “Just take it and don’t worry about it. Unless you feel there’s a threat to JP, I recommend that you agree to the visitation proposal,” Jennifer said.

  Sidney had a mutual fund set up in Justin’s name and had the support money forwarded directly to the investment company. I don’t want anything from that man, she thought.

  “You were married to Michael Whitman? The Michael Whitman? And JP is his son?” Natalie was digesting what Sidney and Charlotte had told her.

  “Political analysts say his failed marriage destroyed his campaign for governor,” Natalie laughed. “You’re the one that dumped him?” She sat back, trying to comprehend everything. “How come I’m the last to know?”