Hilariously Ever After

by Box Set

  “Hey, men have their uses,” Kelsey said, smirking. “Right, Lacey?”

  Lacey snorted. “Some men more than others.”

  Melody squinted at her, trying to figure out if that was a reference to Jeremy, and Lacey lifted her eyebrows, smirking. Did that mean she was talking about Jeremy? And if so, was it an insult or a compliment?

  Nope. Never mind. On second thought, she didn’t want to know. The less she was privy to the sordid details of Lacey and Jeremy’s relationship, the better.

  “So, what do you do for a living?” Melody asked, turning to Devika.

  “Pediatric nurse,” Devika said.

  “Oh, wow.” Melody couldn’t stand kids or the sight of blood, so she was in awe of anyone with the fortitude to work in children’s healthcare.

  Devika shrugged like it was nothing. “I work in a doctor’s office, so I mostly just stab kids with needles.”

  “Don’t change the subject,” Kelsey said, narrowing her eyes at Melody. “How do you like ’em? Blond? Brunet? Skinny? Muscular?”

  “Um,” Melody said, trying not to picture Kieran’s floppy brown hair and soft smile. “I’m not sure.”

  “How about this: if you could bang any actor, who would you bang?”

  Melody broke into a grin. Finally, a question she could answer without discomfort. She didn’t even have to pause to think about it. “Chris Evans.”

  “Excellent choice,” Tessa said.

  “Shit, I’d even do Chris Evans if he was standing here,” Devika agreed.

  “I’m more of a Chris Hemsworth girl, myself,” Kelsey said, flipping her hair.

  “Yay, drinks!” Lacey shouted as Terrance returned with a tray of mason jars. They all cheered as he set them down, and he tipped an imaginary hat.

  The house-made gin and tonic was delicious. And very strong. Melody could already feel it going to her head after a couple sips.

  The four of them traded opinions back and forth about which celebrities they’d like to sleep with, until Kelsey and Tessa got into a heated argument over Kate Winslet versus Cate Blanchett—Melody came down firmly in the Kate Winslet camp, but elected not to publicly take sides—which devolved into a game of Fuck, Marry, Kill.

  “Han Solo, Princess Leia, or Chewbacca,” Tessa asked Devika after Terrance brought out their second round of gin and tonics.

  “New movies or old movies?” Kelsey asked.

  Tessa waved her hand. “Whichever.”

  “It matters,” Kelsey insisted. “Right?” She looked to Melody for support.

  Melody nodded in agreement. “Definitely.”

  “Old movies, then,” Tessa said.

  “Um…” Devika frowned, thinking it over. “Okay, marry Leia—I mean, obviously.”

  Tessa nodded. “Obviously.”

  “And kill Han Solo, which means I’d have to fuck Chewbacca, I guess.”

  “You’d kill Han Solo?” Melody said, aghast. Han Solo was the first man she’d ever wanted to marry. Her heterosexual mind couldn’t comprehend such sacrilege.

  Kelsey raised her hand. “I’d like to talk about the fact that my girlfriend just said she would fuck a Wookiee.”

  “I have a question,” Lacey said, tilting her head. “Do you think he has, like, a man-dong under all that fur, or is it a red rocket like a dog?”

  “He doesn’t wear pants.” Tessa’s brow furrowed like she was considering the matter very seriously. “So, it’d have to be a dog penis, right?”

  “Would you like to change your answer?” Kelsey asked Devika.

  “Nah, I’m good,” Devika said, smirking.

  They all dissolved into giggles like it was the funniest thing they’d ever heard.”

  These drinks are really strong,” Melody observed to her third gin and tonic. She felt like she was holding her own pretty well, considering, but the world was definitely going a little wonky around the edges.

  Kelsey leaned forward and poked her in the knee with a shiny red fingernail. “Why don’t you want to be fixed up?”

  Melody shrugged, flopping back on the couch. “I’m just not interested in being in a relationship right now.”

  “Everyone’s interested in being in a relationship,” Devika said, shaking her head. “Anyone who says different is lying. Or fooling themselves.”

  “I was in a relationship,” Melody admitted, swirling the ice around in her mason jar. “A serious one. I’m not ready to go there again yet.”

  Devika squinted at her like she wanted to ask something and was trying to decide whether to do it. “How old are you?” she asked finally.

  “Twenty-two. Nearly twenty-three.”

  Tessa leaned across Lacey. “When’s your birthday?”

  “Next Wednesday, actually.”

  Melody had been trying not to think about it. She didn’t have anyone to celebrate with, so it was just going to be another day. It was no big deal. There wasn’t much point to birthdays after you turned twenty-one anyway.

  “Shit, we have to take you out!” Lacey said, turning to Tessa. “Right?”

  “Definitely,” Tessa said.

  “No, really,” Melody said, shaking her head. “You don’t have to do that.”

  “We’re doing it,” Lacey said, brooking no argument. “Dinner Wednesday night after you get off work. Okay?”

  Melody couldn’t help smiling. “Okay.”

  “I like your hair,” Melody said to Kelsey when they were on their fourth round of gin and tonics—or maybe it was the fifth. Who could keep track? “And your makeup. And your…” she waved her hand in the air, “everything. How’d you learn to do that?”

  “YouTube,” Kelsey said. “No shit.”

  Melody felt all soft and fuzzy. Like she was wearing her favorite comfy fleece pajama pants, only around her brain. Alcohol was great—she couldn’t remember why she didn’t have it more often.

  “Lacey, your girl is drunk,” Devika observed.

  Lacey squinted at Tessa.

  “Not your girl girl. Your other girl.” Devika tilted her head toward Melody.

  “I resemble that remark,” Melody said, sending herself into a giggling fit.

  She was definitely going to have a hangover tomorrow. And she didn’t even care.

  “It’s cool,” Lacey said, patting her fondly on the arm. “We’ll get her home.”

  Melody rested her head on Lacey’s shoulder, snuggling up against her. “You guys are the best.”

  It was a rude awakening when her phone rang the next morning. Her head felt like the inside of a snare drum.

  “How’s that hangover?” Lacey asked when Melody finally managed to locate her phone and answer it.

  “Cataclysmic.”

  “Make yourself a Bloody Mary. It’ll do the trick.”

  Melody did not happen to have the ingredients for a Bloody Mary lying around her apartment. And even if she had, the thought of more alcohol made her stomach want to jump out of her mouth and run around the room screaming.

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” she mumbled, choking back the urge to vomit.

  “Thought I should make sure you were still alive after last night. You were pretty drunk.”

  “Yeah.” Melody rubbed her forehead with the heel of her hand. “Thanks for getting me home.”

  She didn’t actually remember getting home. She remembered leaving the bar with Tessa’s arm around her for support. And falling into bed. And Lacey taking off her shoes. Everything else was a hazy blur.

  “Yeah, okay, I’ll let you get back to feeling like shit,” Lacey said. “But we’re still on for Wednesday, right?”

  Wednesday?

  Oh, right. Her birthday.

  “You really don’t have to—”

  “Don’t be stupid,” Lacey said. “It’s your birthday.”

  Aside from the enthusiastic birthday call from her mother first thing in the morning—complete with singing—Melody’s birthday passed like any other day. And she was fine with that. Totally fine.

/>   She’d been assigned to a software development project finally, though as a tester rather than a developer. It was a step in the right direction, at least. It meant she was on a project team now, working more closely with other people. But it was still brand new, and no one else on the team knew it was her birthday. Not that they necessarily would have cared, but maybe someone would have gotten her a card or a cake or something.

  It was possible some small part of her had hoped Jeremy would stop by to wish her a happy birthday, but that was dumb. How would he even know? It wasn’t like they were really friends. She didn’t know what they were, but they weren’t friends.

  He wasn’t friend material. He was too gorgeous, too rich, too unattainable. Even setting aside the awkwardness of trying to be friends with someone you’d had a one-night stand with, and the fact that he was Lacey’s ex, there was that whole thing where his family owned the company Melody worked for. It was all a bridge too far.

  She hadn’t seen much of him lately, anyway. She’d only laid eyes on him twice since the breakup, and both times, he’d barely spared her a few seconds before rushing off.

  The two of them were casual acquaintances—nothing more. Now that he and Lacey and broken up, Melody was just a friend of his ex, which wasn’t anything at all, was it?

  It was fine, though. She didn’t need Jeremy or anyone else at work to wish her a happy birthday, because she had Lacey and Tessa for that. Melody had her own friends now, and they were taking her to dinner for her birthday.

  They’d suggested a Cuban place on La Cienega, which was perfect, because Cuban food reminded Melody of home. She went straight from work to meet them there. The food was great—not Florida great, obviously, but the garlic chicken was legit. The pitcher of sangria Lacey ordered for the table was also legit, but Melody only indulged in one glass, since it was a weeknight—and since she was still feeling gun shy after Saturday night’s revelries.

  In addition to being a yoga instructor, Tessa worked as a massage therapist, and she entertained them over dinner with stories about some of her weirdest clients.

  “There was this one guy, super straight-and-narrow, like a banker or something—middle-aged, suit and tie, gray hair. Anyway, I left the room so he could strip down to his underwear, and when I came back, he was standing there in this sparkly red thong.”

  “Ugh!” Melody said, scrunching up her nose.

  “Just goes to show,” Lacey said around a mouthful of lechon asado, “you never know what kind of freaky shit people are hiding under the surface.”

  Melody tried to imagine any of the men at work wearing a sparkly thong under their business casual khakis. It was a genuinely disturbing thought.

  “And he was really hairy, too,” Tessa said. “Like Robin Williams hairy.”

  “Bear,” Lacey said knowingly.

  Tessa shook her head, causing a wisp of blonde hair to escape her ponytail and fall across her forehead. “I’m pretty sure he was straight.”

  “Straight guys don’t wear thongs,” Lacey said. “Except strippers.”

  “I’m telling you,” Tessa said, pouring herself another glass of sangria, “this one did.” She topped off Lacey’s glass, then gestured to Melody’s, eyebrows raised.

  Melody shook her head. “How do you do it? Touching strangers like that—and mostly-naked strangers at that.” She could barely stomach the thought of getting a massage from a stranger, much less giving one.

  Tessa smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear. “It’s not so bad. Bodies are just bodies. We’ve all got one.”

  “See, the thing that separates Tessa from normal people like you and me,” Lacey said to Melody, leaning in conspiratorially, “is that she actually likes people.”

  “People are interesting,” Tessa said. “Everyone has a story.”

  “Yeah, like that douche at the bar last night who told me I had wolverine tits.” Lacey rolled her eyes. “He was a real Garrison Keillor.”

  “What does that even mean?” Melody asked, laughing. “What kind of tits does a wolverine have?”

  “Who the fuck knows? People are disgusting.” Lacey speared a fried plantain off Melody’s plate and grinned. “Present company excluded, of course.”

  “Did you tell her about the Krav Maga?” Tessa asked Lacey.

  “I signed up for Krav Maga classes,” Lacey said, shrugging.

  “Tell her why.”

  “I’m going to apply to the next LAPD academy training class. I figured Krav Maga would give me a leg up on the physical abilities test.”

  “That’s great!” Melody reached out to squeeze Lacey’s arm. Even without the Krav Maga, she couldn’t imagine Lacey would have any trouble passing the physical test. “Have you told your parents?”

  Lacey shook her head. “I’m gonna wait until I’m actually accepted. If I’m actually accepted.”

  “You’ll totally get accepted,” Melody said.

  Lacey pushed her food around on her plate. “We’ll see, I guess.”

  When the waiter came back to clear away their plates, Lacey said something to him in Spanish, and a few minutes later, he brought out a piece of tres leches cake with a candle in it and set it in front of Melody.

  “Feliz cumpleaños,” Lacey said. “They offered to sing to you, but I figured you’d probably get embarrassed.”

  “Thank you,” Melody said, looking down at the table before her watery eyes betrayed her. “For saving me from the singing and for the cake. And dinner. For the whole night, basically.”

  “Make a wish,” Tessa told her.

  I want more nights like this, Melody thought, and blew out the candle.

  Chapter 13

  Melody was baking scones for her book club.

  Yes, fine, she had joined a book club, but it was not because of anything her mother had said. It was only because she liked books. And she liked talking about books. And she wanted to meet other people who liked talking about books.

  Her social life had been on an upswing lately, but going out with Lacey and Tessa had given her a taste for more. It was possible she also missed being in school a little. Not that she hadn’t been glad to put MIT and all associated memories in the rearview mirror, but her whole life until this point had basically been devoted to school. Now that she was done with it, there was an empty space she didn’t know how to fill.

  Work was ramping up, but it still wasn’t challenging enough to keep her busy. If she managed to stay at Sauer Hewson for two years, they would pay for her to go back to school for her Masters of Engineering, but in the meantime…

  In the meantime, she was in a book club, which was why she was baking scones on a Friday night when Lacey called.

  “I need a favor.”

  Melody switched her cell to her other ear and pulled open the oven. “Okay.” She peered at the tray of cranberry scones inside. She wasn’t much of a baker, but she was trying something new. Because trying new things was supposed to be good, right?

  “It’s kind of a big one,” Lacey said apologetically. The sound of a heavy bass line thrummed in the background, which meant she was calling from work.

  “You want me to kill someone for you?” Melody frowned at the scones, trying to decide if they needed a few more minutes.

  “Not quite that big. I’m at work and Jeremy’s here—drunk. I need you to come get him.”

  Melody set the tray of scones on the counter and yanked off her oven mitt. “Now?”

  “Yes. I’m sorry. I’ll explain when you get here.”

  “I’ve got book club tonight, Lacey. I’m bringing scones.”

  “God, you’re such a nerd.”

  “Hey! Who’s asking who for a favor right now?”

  “I’m sorry, but it’s Friday night. You really need to get a social life.”

  “This is me having social life!”

  “Please, Melody.”

  “How did Jeremy Sauer get to be my problem?” He’d barely talked to her in weeks, and now she was supposed
to drop everything to haul his drunk ass home?

  “He needs a friend tonight,” Lacey said. “And I need someone to take him home or I’m going to get fired.”

  Melody gazed sadly at her cranberry scones and sighed. “I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

  There was a stalled car on the Ventura Freeway, so it was closer to thirty minutes before Melody made it to Studio City, and then she had to drive around for another five before she found a parking space.

  She dodged around a pack of Wolf of Wall Street wannabes congregating inside the door and headed toward the back of the bar where Lacey was pouring something that looked like orange Kool-Aid out of a shaker into a sugared martini glass. When Melody caught her eye, Lacey nodded at her and said something to one of the other bartenders before making her way over.

  “Where’s the emergency?” Melody shouted over the peppy music blaring from the speakers.

  “Down there.” Lacey nodded toward the far end of the banquette.

  Melody peered through the crowd and spotted Jeremy perched on a bar stool with his head propped in his hands. “That doesn’t look like a very big emergency, Lacey.”

  “Yeah, well, when I called you, he was ranting and yelling and trying to get into a fight with some of my customers. Fortunately, he seems to have graduated from asshole drunk to mopey drunk.”

  “Why is he like this?” Melody asked. “What happened?”

  The few times she’d seen him at work recently, he’d seemed fine. Granted, it was at the office, where he had appearances to maintain, but she had assumed he was at least past the ill-advised drunken antics stage of the breakup by now.

  “Drew and Charlotte got engaged,” Lacey said.

  Charlotte and Drew? How long had that been going on? “I didn’t even know they were dating,” Melody said.

  “Neither did Jeremy. They’ve been keeping it a secret for months and lying to him about it. I guess he and Drew had some kind of fight when he finally found out.” She shrugged. “There’s a lot of history. It’s messy.”

  “I guess so.” All these attractive people with their complicated romantic entanglements—it was like an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, only with fewer gross medical procedures.