Dazzled and Dazed

by Carson Mackenzie

  Maria grinned, “Oh, like George Clooney?”

  “Or Matt Damon,” Petal sighed. “But not the Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, the Jason Bourne Matt Damon.”

  “Mark Walberg, in any fucking movie,” Brook said.

  Angelique put her chin in her hand and said dreamily, “Gerrard Butler.”

  I shook my head, “Come on, Channing Tatum in Magic Mike! Hell, Channing Tatum in anything, my God he can thrust his hips.”

  We all groaned, and then laughed loudly, and Mia piped up. “Well, you guys are way off base, Matthew McConaughey hands down. Every single time that damn commercial comes on, the one where he is driving, I swear I have to change my panties.”

  “Whatever. Now back to Chad Macon,” Mel said slowly looking at me. “I don’t want to hear about him. I need to keep him on my list. For future meetings, make sure he and I don’t cross paths. I don’t want Falon to be paranoid.”

  We chuckled, and then I said, “Who were you talking about when I came in?”

  Zoey grinned, “You know that author Shady had us all read?”

  I laughed, “Duh, Magenta O’Reilly? I swear, I had no idea there were books out there that were so hot. This whole mommy porn thing is something else. Even though I’m not a mommy, this shit is off the hook. You know, there is something to be said about the new reading devices. It’s not like the old days where you had a book and everyone knew what you were reading. Now, you can read a sex scene while drinking coffee in public without everyone staring at you like a leper.”

  Angelique grinned big, and then pushed her phone toward me and said, “Look, she accepted my friend request!”

  My eyes got wide, and I pulled the phone closer to me. I stared, and then whispered, “Oh my God, she did. That is so awesome!”

  Petal growled, “It is, and we all sent her a request, but Angelique’s is the only one that was accepted.”

  “Lucky bitch,” Brook sighed, and we all turned to look at her with shocked looks on our face. “What? She is. I mean, I know Shady told us to read Magenta, but you all know I was the one who bought the first book. I was the one who told you all it was a must read.”

  “Well yeah, ‘cause you have no life since you are preggers,” Petal said softly and sweetly.

  Brook glared at her and said, “I am just saying, if anyone should have been accepted it should have been me.”

  “Okay, but you weren’t,” Angelique said slowly. “I was, but I am sharing until she does accept your friend request.”

  “Oh my God,” I whispered, and everyone paused and looked at me. “She has a new book coming!”

  “WHAT?” All the women screamed in unison.

  “Look,” I said, pushing Angelique’s phone toward the middle of the counter. “She posted a new cover five hours ago and said coming in two weeks!”

  “HELL YEAH!” Petal said, pumping her fist in the air.

  “I missed that,” Angelique said and grinned. “Oh my God, it is Zeus and Blow Torche’s book!”

  “YES!” Zoey yelled.

  “Remember in the last book when the men had Ruby on the bench?” Maria said wistfully.

  “Yeah, but you know, I will admit I had to actually draw that out on a piece of scratch paper. I couldn’t figure out if they could do that. You know, you have to be able to picture it, and for some reason, I couldn’t,” Mia said softly.

  Brook chuckled, and she said, “Trust me, I have had to do that a time or two.”

  “You had to draw it, or you tried them out,” Zoey teased, and Brook laughed.

  “Hey, my men are never boring, but sometimes, you just need to spice things up.”

  Petal piped up, “I draw pictures and you know I have thought about using a few in tats.”

  “No shit?” I said, and Petal nodded. “Like porn pictures on skin?” Petal rolled her eyes.

  “Hang on,” the woman ran back to her room and came back with a drawing pad.

  “See,” she said and put it in the middle of the table.

  “I remember that one, it was described in her first book,” Brook said wistfully.

  “Oh, this one, hell yeah, it is awesome!” Zoey said.

  I grinned as they went through the drawings, and Mia said, “These are better than my stick figures. I swear, one time Dad came to my apartment and found one. I told him I was playing hangman with one of my friends in class.”

  Maria turned her head side to side, and then said, “Seriously, can guys do that and like not touch. I mean, it’s not like in a ménage, I would guess they wouldn’t worry because they have to touch sometimes. But look here, it looks like in this position, they would seriously be touching.”

  “But this is an MMF position, not an MFM one,” Brook said quickly, and then she turned her head. “They are supposed to touch like that.”

  “Well okay, but shit, this chick would need to be double jointed as well. Are you sure this works?” Maria argued.

  I leaned in close and frowned. “True, look at how far her legs are spread. Shit, she would be bowlegged by the end of the night. I’m not sure I could do that, I mean with…”

  I stopped and my eyes widened, and then Zoey said with a laugh, “Yes, continue that sentence please.”

  I closed my eyes, dammit, me and my big mouth. When I opened them, I saw all of the women still looking at me, but then Mia said, “Can we not talk about my brothers’ sex lives. I mean, I already need therapy because of Falon.”

  Mel snorted, “Don’t we all.”

  I dodged that bullet at least, since they moved on, “I’m just saying, most women aren’t double jointed like that, so if you tried that, you could end up walking around like you have a stick up your ass for like two weeks,” Maria said.

  “Like she would really care,” Zoey snorted, and then Maria rolled her eyes.

  “I’m just saying, are you sure that this is possible?” I said.

  Petal pursed her lips, and then said, “Okay fine. Yes, it is possible, because we tried it.”

  “OH MY GOD! DID THEY TOUCH?” Maria yelled.

  Petal shook her head. “No, they kinda moved to the side, then they didn’t touch. Bry and Reed are really good about, uh...experimentation. Well, you know, I mean, I was a little surprised when they...”

  “TMI!” Angelique yelled, and Petal blushed, yes blushed, and everyone laughed.

  “Angelique, you should message her. Ask her where she gets her ideas from,” Mel said with a grin.

  “What? No way, I couldn’t. Besides, she is like famous, there is no way she would talk to me,” Angelique said.

  I laughed and said, “No worries we are roomies, I will convince her to message Magenta.”

  “Well, until she accepts our friend requests, we have to live vicariously through you,” Brook said, and Petal leaned forward.

  “Does she have any book signings close?”

  Angelique shrugged and said, “Hang on, let me look at her profile, maybe it says where she’s from. It said close, but I don’t know how close.”

  We were silent while Angelique clicked on her phone, they all held their breath when they saw their friend freeze.

  “What?” I whispered, and Angelique looked up at us.

  “She lives in New York, and likes the Bronx Zoo like I do, and the Bronx Buy Sell and Trade,” she whispered.

  “Seriously?” Brook whispered, too.

  “Yes,” Angelique replied, and I grabbed her phone and looked.

  “It says she lives in New York City, and on her favorites, she has Black Fox Coffee. I go there some mornings, too. What if I have been there when she was?” Zoey said and looked around the group. I nodded as did the others.

  “You have time to drive in the city for coffee in the mornings? On a good traffic day, it takes between twenty or thirty minutes, depending on which route you take to get there,” Petal said.

  “Only if I’ve got appointments in the city. And it has been months since I’ve indulged since I’m currently not allowed to have it,
” Zoey said, and Petal frowned.

  “Uh, didn’t I see you coming out of Dunkin’ Donuts two days ago?” Petal asked.

  “Not with coffee. Hello, they sell donuts!” I laughed at Zoey’s disgruntled tone.

  “Okaaaay...I’m sure that’s way healthier than coffee in the morning,” Petal said and rolled her eyes.

  “It is not about healthy, it is about these two, little people I am toting around. When you are pregnant, you will understand that they rule what gets ingested.” Zoey rubbed her stomach, and I watched in amazement as it seemed to shift side to side.

  “Wait! As fun as it is to watch you girls go back and forth, let’s get back to the books. Does the woman have any signings? Because I would go to one of hers!” Maria said.

  Angelique grabbed her phone back and started tapping on the screen, then she shook her head. “No, but on her website, she has a section labeled ‘Surprise Signing Day’ where every once in a while she’ll post a random place, and if her fans go there, they find autographed copies of her books waiting. The last time there was only fifteen at a Word Bookstore in Jersey City, and a fight broke out. Three women went to jail over her books.”

  “Shit, we need to pay attention. With Mel’s skills, we could totally get those books, and she can kick anyone’s ass,” Mia said and rubbed her hands together.

  “Okay, we have the whole city covered, just look at where we all live and work, between all of us, if it happens again, whoever is closest gets there. Maybe we can get a whole set, you know like combined.”

  I raised my hand, “I am out and about in the city every day meeting people. If needed I will just be late, or suddenly get sick if I am in a meeting. Perks of being your own boss.”

  “Okay cool,” Brook smiled. “Since I will be quitting soon, I will be free as well.” I frowned at Brook.

  “You’re quitting your job?” I asked, and Brook nodded.

  “Did Tony and Fin bully you?” Mia asked.

  “I’m quitting because I want to be home to raise our child. And before any of you bitches start, it was my choice. Fin and Tony would never pressure me like that. I started reading all those baby books and they said how babies change and grow so fast...I don’t want to miss anything,” Brook said, and I watched a tear roll down her cheek.

  “Aww, I feel the same way. I wasn’t going to say anything either until I went on maternity leave. When my time is up, I won’t be going back to work either,” Zoey said and hugged Brook.

  “Are you both sure that your decisions to be stay-at-home moms doesn’t have anything to do with the parents arguing over who will be babysitting?” Maria asked as she lifted her brow. The expressions on Brook’s and Zoey’s faces made me laugh.

  “Zoey, seriously?” I asked my best friend knowing she worked hard and loved her job.

  “I know, I didn’t think I would feel like this, but when I think of leaving them to go back to work, it makes me sad. When I told Michael and Reese, they suggested taking the years off until the kids started school, then I could go back to work. We were still discussing it, and I hadn’t made my mind up until the parents started scheduling who was going to have the babies and on which days.” Zoey shrugged.

  “Then Sonia brought up that she should get to have our child all the time because Zoey was having two and Olivia and Mom could each have one, too. When they started in on swapping the kids around every week, it pretty much made my mind up.” Brook shook her head.

  When Maria and Mia burst out laughing, I looked at them. “What?”

  “It’s funny how they are talking like the babes they are carrying will keep the parents content. They won’t be happy until everyone has at least four, maybe five,” Maria said as she put her arm around Mia’s shoulder. The two women smirked at the rest of us.

  “I don’t know why that’s a bad thing. Between Zoey and Brook that takes care of three. That only leaves a couple of you to get pregnant and fill the quota,” Angelique said, and I squeezed her shoulder.

  “I think Maria meant four or five—each couple, sweetie.” I waited for what I said to hit Angelique.

  “Seriously?” I nodded at Angelique’s question. “That is a lot of kids. You’re never going back to work.”

  “Oh, I will. Falon and I are only having two, so the parents are going to have to deal,” Mel said, and when Maria and Mia laughed again, she glared at them. Maria held her hands up.

  “Hey, if you can pull it off without the parents harassing you at every turn. We,” Maria waved her hands to included us all in what she was saying, “will bow to you because you will have earned queen status.”

  “Are you saying you are going to have four or five kids?” I asked Maria because frankly, I couldn’t imagine her giving into the parents’ wishes.

  “Hell no.” Maria and Mia high-fived. “We both know that no matter how many they get, they will never be happy. Plus, I’ve come to terms with the fact that even in death I will hear my mother’s voice saying, ‘Maria, I can hear your ovaries drying up by the day.’”

  I was still new enough to everyone that I couldn’t tell whether Maria meant it as a joke or if she was being serious. I mean, her mother was Sonia. Still, I laughed and so did the others. God, these women were so much fun to be with.

  “Alright, back to author stalking. I have across the river covered,” Mia said. “Working for a government agency has its perks, too. I can take my breaks whenever, and as Brit said, I can suddenly get sick. It would be worth a sick day to get a signed copy of Magenta’s book.”

  “I thought you said the USCIS (U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services) would crumble if you weren’t there?” I chuckled when Mia flipped me off.

  “Oh my, look at this chair. I didn’t know they made things like this,” Angelique said, causing us all to turn our focus back to her.

  “What are you looking at, Angelique?” I asked and moved closer to look over her shoulder.

  “I was going to the site to see if Magenta’s new book was up for preorder. I don’t know what I hit, but this site came up instead.” She held her phone up so I could get a better look. When I looked at the chair, I frowned. I’d seen one like it before, then it hit me.

  “No way,” I whispered, and the others moved closer. “That is so, I don’t know, cool and creepy at the same time.”

  “What? Let me see,” Mia held out her hand, and Angelique handed her phone over.

  Mia looked at the screen and her eyes went wide. I knew then she realized the same thing I did. Her face went pale and she looked like she was going to throw up.

  “Good God, I’ve sat on that chair. Now I’m going to have to live with this knowledge, and I’m not sure I can,” Mia said.

  “What’s the big deal? Angelique said it was a comfortable chair,” Zoey said, and Mia handed her the phone. Zoey looked down at the screen. “I’ve sat in one of those chairs. UPS delivered it to Reilly and Olivia’s house. With the way it is curved, I can lay back and elevate my feet at the same time. I meant to ask Olivia where she purchased it so I could have Michael and Reese get me one. Does the site say if they sell them in a store? I’ll never get it in our house if I’m home alone when UPS delivers, though,” Zoey said.

  “Zoey, read the description.” I watched Zoey do as Mia said, and I smiled when her facial expression gave away as she realized.

  “Oh... Oh...” Zoey said and immediately passed the phone to Petal who moved beside her. As Petal read, a slow grin spread on her face, and then she burst out laughing.

  “Give me the phone,” Maria said and grabbed it from Petal and held it out so she, Mel, and Brook could see. Brook’s hand went to her mouth, and Mel’s eyes went wide.

  “Even though I’m feeling a tad queasy right now knowing not only is this chair in my aunt’s living room. The Tantra chair also is in my parents’ living room as well. And even knowing all that, I’m still going to hit the ‘How it Works’ button. So, what does that say about me?” No sooner than Maria tapped the screen, a woman’s
voice was heard as she spoke softly. When it registered what she was saying, we all gathered around Maria.

  “Bet you didn’t see that coming,” Mel said.

  “Well, I have a new respect for the O’Malleys and Roarks for sure,” I said as the video played with a real couple demonstrating the different sexual positions as the woman’s voice explained the mechanics of each.

  “I’m never going to be able to look the parents in their faces again,” Mel whispered.

  The front door to the parlor opened, and Maria hurriedly closed the browser and tossed the phone on the counter as Olivia O’Malley, Sonia Roark, and Ms. Maddie walked into the shop. Their eyes narrowed when we separated. Probably because we were grown women who looked like we were getting caught with our hands in a cookie jar.

  As casually as I could, I leaned back on the counter and asked before they could speak, “Where are your hubbies?” With everything that had gone down, the guys had been ultra-protective of the women, the mothers as well. I thought it was adorable, they didn’t.

  Olivia shook her head and put a finger to her lips. “Shhh, as far as you know, the men know exactly where we are.”

  “Mother!” Maria snapped, and Sonia smiled.

  “Hey, honey, sorry, but your father is driving me out of my ever-loving mind. Can you believe they got together and tried to use sex as a distraction!” the older woman smirked when all of the women gasped loudly. “Yes, I hate to tell you we still have sex.”

  “MA!” Maria yelled, and the older women laughed.

  “Please,” Ms. Maddie said. “You know I am getting some on a regular basis. I ended up in the ER, hell, half the city knows what Caine and I were up to.”

  “Hey,” Olivia said grabbing the book that Petal had placed on the counter. “I have read this author, very sexy. I swear, I love the new ereader thingies, like the Kindle and such. You know back in my day, I would never have bought a book with this kind of cover on it. Now, I can read what I want, and no one knows.”

  “You shouldn’t be ashamed of what you read,” Sonia said with a grin. “I bet half the ladies in the card club read something a little racy.”