by Holly Jacobs
“No problem, Doctor,” Lily said.
“It was a problem,” Hank griped. “I need to get back to work.”
Dr. Flint didn’t seem to take offense at Hank’s less than cordial attitude. He smiled and said, “Then let’s get going.”
Lily had taken Hank for a CAT scan before their previous missed appointment, and the nurse had already taken Hank’s vitals. The doctor scanned the chart and pulled a chair up opposite Hank. “Mr. Bennington, can you hold your hands out in front of you?”
Hank complied.
“Great. Now, I’m going to push against them and try to push them down. You don’t let me.” Hank held his own as the doctor pushed down.
Dr. Flint made some notations on Hank’s chart. He asked, “Can you tell me the date?”
The tests went on like that. Can you tell me what month it is? Who’s the president? Then the doctor switched to giving Hank lists of words to remember. Then he had Hank draw a clock.
Hank complained that he wasn’t in school anymore, but obliged.
Sebastian watched as Lily’s optimistic smile faltered. He knew why. He didn’t need a medical degree to see that Hank wasn’t doing well.
“Oh, and here,” Lily said, handing the doctor a sheet of paper. “I made a list of all the drugs Hank takes, their dosage, and I included the multivitamin he has daily.”
Sebastian knew that Lily was grasping at straws. That she wanted the doctor to look at the list and say, Aha, this is it. But he didn’t. He simply took the sheet, glanced at it and said, “Thank you.” When he looked up again, the doctor did a double take and studied Lily for a moment. “You look familiar.”
“I worked at the hospital until last year. I’ve seen you around the halls. Finn Wallace recommended you.”
“Lily, right?” Dr. Flint asked.
Lily nodded. “Right.”
It didn’t surprise Sebastian at all that the doctor would remember her. He didn’t know how anyone could meet Lily Paul and ever forget her.
“You took care of Finn’s sister.” She nodded, and the doctor continued, “I know he appreciated it. We were all sorry she passed away.”
“I was, too. It’s only been three months and there’s already so many things that she’s missed and I ache with it.” Sebastian could hear the sorrow in her voice. He could tell that Lily had loved Bridget. He might not know as much about her as he wished he did, but he knew that when Lily loved she did so wholeheartedly.
“I heard that Finn’s moving,” Dr. Flint said, as if talking about Finn was easier than delivering the diagnosis that Sebastian knew was coming.
“Yes,” Lily said. “He’ll still be in the hospital for surgeries a couple days a week.”
“Good. If I needed surgery, he’d be the man I’d see.”
Sebastian was gratified when the man turned back to his grandfather. “Mr. Bennington, I’ve reviewed your CAT scan, and there’s no evidence of a stroke or TIA. Your physical tests were all well within normal parameters.”
“I still bus tables. Those bus pans can be heavy,” Hank said with pride.
“Well, it shows. But I do see signs of cognitive decline. We caught this early. There are medications that may slow the progression. We can...”
The doctor kept talking about medications and side effects. About promising new research and having hope.
But all Sebastian could register was that bit by bit, he was going to lose his grandfather.
He felt sick to his stomach at the thought of watching Hank disappear.
Lily sat there talking to the doctor about drugs and courses of action. Sebastian knew he should join in. He should engage in the conversation. He should ask questions or make comments, but neither he nor Hank said a word.
Then the discussion ended and the doctor stood up. He extended his hand to Hank, then Lily and finally to Sebastian, who extended his hand in return by rote and shook.
Lily gathered up the prescription and some other papers the doctor had left for them and maneuvered him and Hank to the outer office to set up the next appointment.
They’d talked about going out to lunch, but Lily seemed to sense that neither he nor Hank wanted to.
“Hank, do you have any questions?” she asked as they all settled in the car.
“No.”
Those were the last words spoken in the car on the trip home. At one point, Lily turned on the radio and they listened to country music on The Wolf. She hummed along to a few songs.
Crooning country music only made Sebastian feel worse, so he leaned over and switched the station to Star 104. Some guy was rapping. Normally Sebastian wasn’t a fan, but there was an angry undercurrent to the song that matched what he was feeling, so he left it.
He glanced back at Hank and wanted to say something to his grandfather. Something comforting. But he couldn’t imagine what those words would be.
He wasn’t even sure Miss Webster herself had any words that would suit the purpose.
She pulled into Hank’s driveway and switched off the engine. “I know you both are upset. I am, too. But we can get through this. We’ll get the prescriptions filled and try those drugs, and we’ll...”
“I’ve got to go to the diner,” Hank said as he opened the car door and walked toward Park Street.
“Sebastian, we should go after him and—”
“No. Give him time. I know you’re trying to help, Lily. I know your first instinct is to look for a rainbow, and maybe tomorrow I can look for one, too, but today, I need to let this all sink in. I knew. Of course I knew. You pointed out Hank’s problems, and after that, I couldn’t write them off or overlook them. I guess I was better prepared than most for the diagnosis. And we’ll talk it over soon. But not today.”
“I understand.” Lily rounded the car after they’d both climbed out. She took his hand in hers. “I’m your friend and I’m here for you.”
He couldn’t face her comfort and her rose-colored glasses yet. His plans to leave after the wedding—at finding out where he belonged—faded at Hank’s diagnosis. Hell, they didn’t fade—they popped and disappeared.
He pulled his hand away. As he did, she stepped back again, and that made him even angrier. “I’m not mad at you,” he said as much to her as to remind himself. “I don’t want you doing that weird little step-back thing you do every time I’m pissed.”
“I don’t know what you mean,” she said.
Her statement pissed him off even more. “Really? When I’ve lost my temper—and I know I’ve lost it around you more than once—you put distance between you and me. As if you’re afraid I’ll hit you. And then I watch you give yourself a little mental shake and you step forward.”
“I don’t—” she started to deny.
“You do. And listen to me when I say that even though I might be tightly wound since I’ve got home, this isn’t me. I’m trying to get it all under control and it’s taking time, but I’m working on it. You have to believe me, Lily, even at my worst—when I’m pissed at the world in general and so frustrated I can’t see straight—I would never, ever hurt you.”
Her voice was as quiet as a whisper as she said, “I know that. Really, I do, Sebastian.”
“Knowing and feeling are two different things,” he replied gently, trying to keep his frustration and anger at the circumstances out of his voice. “Someday will you tell me what the hell happened to you?”
She shrugged her shoulders.
“You hold yourself back. You don’t trust me to know your history. You give me stupid stories about the books that raised you, but fail to mention the parents that did. Do you think anything you tell me is worse than what I’ve imagined?”
It didn’t take a rocket scientist or a degree in psychology to see that Lily had been hit before. It was there every time she moved out of his reach. He’d known it, but like Hank’s diagnosis, he hadn’t really voiced it in his own head until now. The thought of anyone hurting sunshiny-rainbow Lily made him ill.
“My p
ast is not pretty,” she said, “but so many had it worse. And my past doesn’t define me. At least, not anymore. I think we need to concentrate on the present...not on what may happen to Hank. We need to live in the here and now. We need to treasure the fact that Hank’s still as he is. That this medication might buy him time. We need to look at our friends and how happy they are as they start a life together. We can’t change the past, and we can’t know the future. We’ve only got now.”
“Lily...”
She took his hand. “I’m not pulling away. Hank’s gone to the diner, and even though my apartment’s trashed, the house itself is fine. More specifically, your room is fine. The insurance adjuster was coming back today, but not until three. That leaves a few hours...”
Given everything his personal Pollyanna could have said in this moment, he hadn’t considered this.
When he didn’t respond, she said, “I’m stepping forward, Sebastian.” She walked into his arms and kissed him. “Come into the house and take me to bed.”
Sebastian claimed her hand and led her to the house. Before he opened the door, he asked, “You’re sure? I can’t make this more—”
“I don’t want more. I simply want you. For now. No talk of forever and always. I think you and I both understand that there’s no such thing anyway.”
Of all the women he’d ever known, Lily Paul was the most forever sort of one. Those words coming out of her mouth sounded incongruous.
He thought about asking her, about checking again, but she was kissing him and then he was kissing her, and after that...
Well, the questions would wait.
* * *
LILY LOOKED AT SEBASTIAN. She’d never known him to look so peaceful. Everything in her wanted to reach out and touch him again, but she didn’t want to wake him, so she lay on her pillow and watched him sleep.
He’d been so crushed after the doctor’s diagnosis.
Lily had known what the doctor would say. She’d known for a long time. But that didn’t mean hearing him say the words didn’t hurt. She didn’t want them to be true. She wanted him to say, Look, I can fix this. Even though she’d known that wasn’t likely, she’d had hope.
Now she didn’t have that hope—she had a diagnosis.
The one thing she could hang on to was the fact that there was no timetable. The new medications could level out the spread of the disease and keep Hank where he was right now for a long time.
That was her wish.
And then...
One step at a time, she scolded herself.
“You’re awake,” Sebastian stated without opening his eyes. “You were thinking so loud I could hear you.”
“You’re awake, too,” she said and laughed, although nothing either of them had said was really funny. She laughed because despite the pain they both felt, they’d found solace in each other’s arms. A respite.
He opened his eyes, leaned his head on his hand, his elbow pressed into the pillow, and grinned at her. “I shouldn’t have fallen asleep. It was rude, really.”
Lily laughed again because she was completely content in this instant. More than that, she was happy, regardless of everything. She was happy to be here with Sebastian. “No, your falling asleep was a compliment. Just your way of saying, Lily, you were so good that I need to recoup.”
He reached out and ran his finger lightly along the line of her neck and said, “You did that.”
“Ditto.”
He looked disappointed. “Oh, come on, Webster. The best you have to offer me is ditto?”
“Way to put my word power to the test,” she teased. “Okay, how about magnificent, astonishing, amazing, impressive—”
“Impressive? Oh, I like that one,” he said with mock seriousness.
“I could try phrases, not only words. Uh, you rocked my world. You...”
He leaned over and kissed her forehead. A gesture of affection that felt overwhelmingly intimate to her. “Let me just say ditto.”
And she watched as the fun, teasing Sebastian gave way to the man who was worried about his grandfather. He massaged his left arm. Lily reached over and gently touched along the scar. Then on to right below his rib cage where there was another long scar from a surgery. And though it was half under the covers, she’d seen the long scar from his knee to almost his hip on his left leg.
“What happened?” she asked as she kissed the scar on his stomach. “Never mind, forget I asked.”
“Right. You don’t want to ask, because if I told you, it might mean there was an intimacy here between us. Something more than sex. Maybe it’s even deep enough that you might have to reciprocate and share something deep with me?”
She threw back the covers, intent on escaping his new mood. Only, this time she wasn’t backing up because she was afraid; she was running because he was right. If he answered her question, they’d move to a more personal level than sex had taken them.
He caught her hand and tugged her back onto the bed. “You asked—now you sit here and listen to the answer.”
“I know that it’s hard for veterans to talk about the war—”
“You think that’s what this is? That I was injured fighting for my country and I can’t talk about it? I think it would be easier if I had been. If I’d been wounded fighting for my country, then maybe all this would make more sense. I knew that could happen when I enlisted.”
She stopped trying to pull away. “No one in town knows what happened. I assumed... But you weren’t hurt there?” And here Lily had thought there was a chance that Hank had known and forgotten. She’d assumed, like everyone else in town, that he’d been injured overseas. In her imagination, it’d happened in a desert and Sebastian was lying on the sand, wounded and bleeding.
“No, I came back from Afghanistan uninjured. At least, not physically. The things we saw...” He shook his head as if to clear those memories. “But we were home, back at Miramar in California. I had a place off base. I was driving in one day and...that’s all I remember until I woke up after the surgery.”
He got quiet. Lily wasn’t sure what to say, but before the silence went on too long and got too awkward, he blurted, “A stupid accident! That’s what they told me. The driver drifted into my lane, and I swerved to avoid him, and the car went over the side of the road. A road with no guardrails, so I dropped, only twelve or so feet, but my car flipped and I was pinned...”
“Sebastian...” That was all she could manage. The man was pouring out his heart to her, and all she could say was his name.
“My left side was a mess. I didn’t just break my leg, but shattered it, and my arm...well, you’ve seen that. Internal injuries. They patched me together. Told me that my injuries, being what they were, meant my career was over.”
She ached for how much pain he must have been in. “But you’re here. You’re home.”
“Oh, yes, I’m here. I’m home because of some fluke accident. I’m here and my friends have all gone back overseas without me. They’ll be fighting and risking their lives and I’ll be here. I’ll be home and safe. That’s the problem. Don’t you see?”
He was practically begging her to understand. “You didn’t want to quit.”
“I knew when I joined the military there was a chance I’d be hurt or even killed, but this isn’t what I expected. Some random car accident? Just some young kid on a dark road? Where’s the honor in that?”
“Sebastian, you’ve said I know more about you than anyone. Well, if that’s true, then maybe you can trust me when I tell you that you are one of the most honorable men I’ve ever met.” She looked at this man next to her in bed and realized how true that was.
“My unit is seeing combat and I’m here because of an accident. I’m here with friends and family, and they’re risking their lives.” His voice escalated until he practically shouted the last few words. “I’m here in bed with you.”
“Maybe this makes me a very small person, but I’ll admit I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re saf
e. I’m glad you won’t be fighting anymore.”
She tried to lean over and kiss him, but this time he was the one who pulled away. She was hurt he wouldn’t let her console him. But he’d trusted her enough to share something with her. Something he’d obviously not told many, if any, people. And she felt selfish for wishing he hadn’t. It felt as if she now owed him. And she knew she couldn’t repay his confidence with one of her own.
She’d tried to share her past, tried to open up once before, but the words wouldn’t come.
She’d read self-help books with absurd titles like You Are the Captain of Your Lifeboat.
She wasn’t the captain of anything. She knew that much.
But she wanted to share with him, and that was more than she’d ever wanted before. Most of the time she bundled up her past into a dark corner of her mind and ignored it, except when she called her mother once a week.
“Thank you for telling me,” she whispered. “You should know that you are an amazing man. You really are. And you’re going to have to trust me on that until you can feel it for yourself.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever feel anything more than...” He hesitated, searching for the word. “Furious at the hand I was dealt. Literally.”
He’d tried for a joke, and Lily couldn’t offer even the smallest smile for the attempt. “It’s more than that.”
He nodded. “And guilt. At first, it was anger, but more than that, it’s the guilt. I feel guilty that my friends are fighting and I’m here in bed with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. Guilty that I’m home. And now guilty that I can’t help Hank. He gave me everything. A home. Stability. Love. And I can’t stop this disease from taking him away from me.”
“But you can love him.”
“That’s a given,” he agreed, then grew silent. He watched her and she wondered if that was expectation in his eyes. Did he think that because he’d shared she’d reveal all her pain and fears?
Lily knew that she wanted to do just that. And for a moment, she tried to force the words—some words. Any words. She wanted to give Sebastian some bit from her past. Something meaningful. Something personal.