Air Apparent

by Piers Anthony

  Fray found it fascinating. Just what did grown men do with grown women? Somehow she never quite got to see any detail.

  Then half a passel of men broke through the defenses and closed in on Happy, Fray, and Gwenny. They seemed to be doomed. “Vaporize!” Happy said.

  They did so, as three men caught Gwenny and bore her down to the floor. She caught one in the puss with a cup of boot rear, causing him to clap his hands to his bottom, but the other two were tearing off her dress. In half a moment her bra was showing, and in three quarters of a moment her black panties. The items seemed to have lost much of their freaking power as the two males fought each other to get at the underwear.

  Then Fray was fully vaporous, and charged with electricity. She fired out a jag of lightning. It scored on the rear of the goblin climbing on top of Gwenny. He leaped up, electrified, his bottom burning.

  “Haw haw haw!” the peeve laughed. “I guess that reamed your fat donkey, dope!” Then it had to flutter out of the way of a flying pie.

  Meanwhile, Happy was generating a snowstorm. Snow flung out to coat the men. It melted, but froze again as the cold intensified. They were becoming animate icicles. That cooled their ardor somewhat. Before long they retreated.

  Their small party was left victorious amidst a clutter of splatted pies and dirty snow. But already Gwenny was on it. “Arrest them all,” she snapped. “They’re going to spend time in the dungeon being reeducated.”

  Fray and Happy recondensed as the cleanup commenced. “Thank you for your timely assistance, ladies,” Goody Goblin said. “We apologize for the complication.”

  “We were glad to have been of assistance,” Happy said.

  “I haven’t had more fun in a decade!” the peeve said. “Did you see how Fray goosed that thug with lightning?”

  “I believe I did,” Goody said. “It was a nice effort, duly appreciated.” He tried to keep a straight face, but smiles invaded the edges until they all had to laugh.

  “But what was he trying to do to Gwenny?” Fray asked.

  Suddenly Happy, Goody, and the peeve went silent. Darn!

  Since no one was talking, she asked another question. “Is time in the dungeon really going to make the rebel goblins better people?”

  Gwenny sighed. “Probably not. Neither will reeducation. Soon enough they’ll revert to their basic nature, and there will be more mischief. The women always forgive them their trespasses, so there seems to be no permanent solution. They don’t like being governed by a woman.”

  “Why don’t you use reverse wood? It made Goody nice, didn’t it?”

  Gwenny stared at her. “Out of the mouths of babes . . .” she said. “Would it work, Goody?”

  “I think so,” Goody said, surprised. “Why didn’t I think of that?”

  “You’re not a child,” Fray pointed out.

  He laughed. “That must be it. But there’s no reverse wood close by here.”

  “Sure there is, dodo,” the peeve said. “There’s a grove not far south. Humfrey used to send the Gorgon to fetch some when he ran low.”

  “You could show us exactly where it is?”

  “That’s what I implied, dumbbell.”

  “But we’ll need to act swiftly,” Gwenny said. “Before the men catch on and stage a prison break. We need to dose them before they suspect.”

  “We’ll fetch it,” Fray said brightly.

  “No, dear,” Gwenny said. “The terrain south of here is too dangerous for a child.”

  “We’ll float!”

  Goody shook his head. “You couldn’t carry it. It would reverse your nature, sinking you. I’ll have to do it.”

  “You’re too nice,” Fray said. “If it’s too dangerous for me, it’s too dangerous for you.”

  “She’s right, dear,” Gwenny told him fondly.

  “For bleep’s sake,” the peeve swore. “You milquetoasts will never get it done.”

  “Could you do it?” Goody asked evenly.

  “With my flight feathers clipped,” the bird said. “I’m not too nice to handle it.”

  “But you’re a little bird. You couldn’t carry enough.”

  “All it would take is one chip, stewed in broth and fed to them.”

  “Why would you bother to do us a favor?” Goody asked.

  For a moment the bird was nonplussed, almost non-minused. It plainly didn’t want to admit that it owed Goody a favor for helping find it a good home.

  “It would be a great joke to convert all those tough goblin rebels,” Fray suggested.

  “That’s it,” the peeve agreed immediately.

  “And mother and I can go along to protect you from air monsters,” Fray added.

  “First thing in the morning,” Gwenny said. “You all need rest, after this day. Besides, the wind generally blows south in the morning, and north later in the day. You’ll need that.”

  She was right, on all counts. Gwenny was a pretty smart leader, it was turning out. They attended the ball, so that no one would suspect and tip off the rebels. There were few men there, because so many had been arrested, so women had to dance with each other, but Fray learned many of the steps and enjoyed it a lot. Solidified existence wasn’t so bad, when she learned its ways.

  They turned in early, and Fray was asleep before she knew it. It had, indeed, been one big day. And a really interesting one. If only she had been able to figure out what the males had been trying to do to the females! But all the adults hung on to their stupid Conspiracy to Frustrate Children. She was good and sick of that.

  At dawn they set out: two clouds and a bird. They exited through an air vent and floated south; fortunately the wind was just right, as Gwenny had predicted.

  Xanth was beautiful as the sun came up beyond the horizon, tinting Happy and Fray a lovely pink. Its rays of light reached out to touch everything below, warming it. Fray felt like dancing for the joy of the morning, but wasn’t able to in her natural cloud form.

  “There it is,” the peeve called. “The reverse grove.” It angled down toward a bare stone outcropping. “It’s a small isolated colony few folk know about, because of the Good Magician’s concealment spell.”

  “But there’s no wood there,” Fray protested as she condensed.

  “Keep your panties on, kid. You’ll see it when you get there.”

  Dubious, she landed on the apex of the mountain—and discovered that it was actually the top foliage of a copse of three trees. The mountain was a mere illusion to mask the reality.

  Happy Bottom landed beside her, and was similarly amazed. “Oooo, this is fun!” she exclaimed, girlishly clapping her forming hands.

  “This is business,” Fray said seriously. “We must obtain some twigs to put in the peeve’s bag.”

  “Aww, that’s no fun,” Happy said. “I’m gonna go find me some eye scream to eat.”

  This was odd. “Peeve, what’s the matter with her?” Fray asked the bird, who was hovering without landing.

  “It’s the reversal. You have become adult, and she’s a child. You never know which way reverse wood will work.”

  “How can I be adult? I don’t know the Adult Conspiracy.” Then she reconsidered. “And don’t want to know. There is excellent reason to protect children from such dangerous knowledge.”

  “Oh, who cares?” Happy demanded, putting a twig in her hair. “I’m going to go find me a man and pop his eyeballs.”

  “Mother!” Fray said severely. “Forget that and gather some twigs.”

  “Awww.” But Happy grudgingly obeyed the voice of authority. Their positions had indeed reversed.

  Fray glanced again at the bird. “Why are you hovering?”

  “To avoid reversal the moment I touch the tree, dummy,” the peeve said. “Think I want to become Xanth’s nicest bird?”

  “It would be an improvement.”

  Happy wasn’t being very effective, so Fray gathered the twigs herself. Someone had to be responsible, after all; children couldn’t be depended on. When s
he had several she took them to the peeve and fitted them carefully into the little bag it carried by a string. “There. Now fly back toward Goblin Mountain. We’ll follow when we can catch a fair wind.”

  The peeve pumped its wings—and dropped to the ground. “Ooops. The bag’s too close; it’s grounded me.”

  That was no good. Fray made a swift adult decision. “Then we will walk back. It’s not too far. I’ll carry you.” She put out a wrist, and the peeve obligingly perched on it. The bag of twigs dangled below her arm, but she could feel its power.

  They walked north. Soon they came to a little shop run by a gnome. The creature was quick to spot an opportunity. “We have a sale on beauty aids,” he called. “Come get them while they’re cheap!”

  “Oooo!” Happy cried, running to the shop. “What do you have?”

  “Watch out,” the peeve muttered. “That’s a rip-off outfit. I’ve seen them before.”

  “Mother, we can’t afford to waste time or attention on diversions,” Fray said.

  “This is a beauty mark,” the gnome said smoothly. “Put it on and you will be the most beautiful lady extant.”

  “Oooo!”

  “Mother!”

  “Or these hair clips,” the gnome said quickly as Happy hesitated. “They will cut your hair to just the right length.”

  Fed up, Fray walked across and caught her mother by the ear. “No cosmetics until we complete our mission,” she said. “Gwenny Goblin is depending on us.”

  Reluctantly, Happy went.

  But soon they encountered another man. He was human and halfway handsome. Happy approached him immediately. “I’m Happy Bottom. Let’s summon a stork or two, stranger.”

  “Mother!!”

  The man was taken aback, but only one step. “I’m Curtis. I’m interested, but I have the talent of not being able to finish what I start.”

  “I’ll finish it for you,” Happy said, opening her shirt.

  Fray was too appalled to speak immediately. Happy had become a child in a woman’s body, and was exploiting its features without fear of consequences. That was downright dangerous.

  “Mother,” the peeve said in Fray’s voice. “If you don’t get moving this instant, you’ll get no dessert!”

  Happy began to cry. Curtis, surprised and nervous, quickly made a retreat.

  “Thanks, peeve,” Fray murmured. “How come you are being so helpful?”

  “It’s this blessed bag of twigs. It’s making me uncomfortably nice. I’m horrified to think what it might do if it were any closer.”

  “That will do. But we’ve got to get that reverse wood twig out of Mother’s hair before she gets in real trouble.”

  “You’ll have to do it. All it can do is make you more adult responsible.”

  “That’s true.” Fray reached up and tried to jerk the twig from Happy’s hair. But her hand became vapor the moment it touched; she had been reversed another way. “Now what, genius?” she asked with adult irony.

  “Maybe if she turns cloud, it will drop to the ground. Then she’ll be herself again.”

  “A worthwhile notion,” Fray agreed. “Mother, why don’t you try diffusing for a while? It should be less tiring.”

  “Okay,” Happy said with childish acceptance. She dissolved into vapor, and the twig dropped away.

  “Now condense again,” Fray said. “The wind remains wrong.”

  “Don’t tell me what to do, child!” Happy snapped. Then she paused reflectively, sunlight bouncing off her shiny surface. “What just happened?”

  “You were reversed by reverse wood, Mother,” Fray said. “You were acting childish.”

  “Horrors! We can’t afford that. We have a mission to accomplish.” She solidified and marched resolutely north.

  It was good to have her mother back. But a small part of Fray was sorry, too. Had she kept her mouth shut, she might finally have seen exactly how storks were summoned.

  They reached Goblin Mountain by mid-morning. This time Gwenny and Goody were out at the entrance to intercept them before the uncouth goblin males did. “Did you get it?” Gwenny asked anxiously.

  “Right here, you charming creature,” the peeve said, jerking the string holding the bag.

  “Excellent. We shall cook up the broth immediately. Goody knows how to do it.”

  “I do,” Goody agreed, taking the bag in his hand, releasing the peeve.

  “Hey, you’re going to get reversed, dolt,” the peeve said.

  “No. I am already reversed.” Goody walked back into the mountain with the bag.

  “Oh, while you were away, I think I thought of the reason I was identified as a clue,” Gwenny said to the Clouds. “So I could help you succeed in your quest. Here is my insight: A report arrived saying that the Random Factor has escaped his cell and is on the loose. You are looking for Fracto. That’s an anagram: Factor, Fracto. There has to be a connection.”

  “The Factor escaped—and Fracto got caught,” Happy said. “Could they have somehow switched places?”

  “That is my thought,” Gwenny agreed. “I think you should check Castle Maidragon.”

  “Daddy’s in the Factor’s cell?” Fray asked.

  “We don’t know that, dear,” Gwenny said with adult caution. “But it does seem possible.”

  “We’ll go there on the first fair wind,” Happy Bottom said, showing a flash of actual happiness for the first time since Fracto had disappeared.

  “This should be fun,” Fray said. “I’ve never seen that castle up close. Are you coming, peeve?”

  “Not me,” the peeve said. “My job is done. I just want to go home and resume insulting passersby.”

  Gwenny ruffled its feathers. “After you get through insulting our goblin males. They really need your attention.”

  The peeve nodded thoughtfully. “They do. And I need the practice, to recover my edge.”

  Things were looking quite positive.

  8

  ESCAPE

  In the morning Hugo exchanged minds with Bathos Bat, and made ready to explore more of the environment. Brunhilda was there. “I will fly with you,” she said. “Maybe I can help.”

  “I’m not Bathos,” he told her. “I’m Hugo.” He wasn’t at all sure he wanted her along.

  “I know who you are. You’re the one with the marvelous talent.”

  “No, that remains with my body. If you go there now, you can gorge on fresh ripe fruit.”

  “Only while Bathos occupies your body. Once you obtain your freedom, and depart, he will revert to his normal pathetic self.”

  “That’s unfair,” Hugo protested desperately. “He has a fine talent.”

  “If you don’t shut up, I’ll kiss you, like this.” She kissed him before he could dodge.

  She had done it again. The kiss stirred his desire and gutted his protest. She wanted to make him her love slave, and knew exactly how to do it. If he tried to protest further, she would do it immediately. She didn’t care that he was a human man.

  He made his way to the cave entrance, and she paced him. He took wing, and she matched him perfectly.

  It was probably useless, but he had to try. “What would you want with a human man anyway?”

  “A bushel of fruit every day,” she replied without hesitation. “What more could any fruit bat want?”

  “But I must get home to my wife, whom I love.”

  “She will learn to make do without you, in time.”

  “But I could never be a—a husband to you. We’re of different species. We couldn’t summon the stork together.”

  Brunhilda shrugged in air. “Stork summoning is overrated, not that bats bother with it. Your alien form makes you safe in that respect; you won’t expect constant physical attention. As my love slave you will obey my every whim regardless of your species. I can see advantages.”

  “I can’t. I just want to be home with Wira. She’s the only one I’ll ever truly love, and I can summon the stork with her.”

  Brunhil
da sighed. “You’re getting independent again. I see I’ll have to kiss you.”

  “No!” he cried supersonically. He winged straight into blank air, trying to escape.

  But she paralleled him without seeming effort. “I love it when you attempt bravado. It makes the conquest that much sweeter—and I do have a sweet tooth. All the same, I’d better kiss you.”

  “There’s a dragon!” he cried.

  “Why do you think I’ll fall for that familiar ruse, you cute thing?” She oriented, making ready to kiss him while on the wing. That was surely not all she could do in flight.

  A jet of fire almost toasted her rear. “Because it’s true,” Hugo said, diving clear.

  “For pity’s sake,” Brunhilda said as the dragon opened his ponderous and mottled jaws to take her in.

  Then she kissed the dragon on his hot upper lip. It was no token effort; she plastered the monster with a huge wet one lasting a moment and several instants. Evidently it required a more heroic effort to affect a creature that size.

  The dragon veered crazily, losing elevation. Little hearts swirled in the vortex of his descent. That answered the question of whether her power worked on other creatures: she had just rendered the dragon into her love slave.

  “Now where we we?” she inquired, rejoining Hugo.

  “We were searching for a way for me to escape my confinement in that cell,” Hugo said. “I don’t even know where that castle is.”

  “Oh, that’s no problem. It’s the human Castle Mai-dragon, named after its caretaker, Becka Dragongirl. I thought you knew.”

  “Castle Maidragon!” he exclaimed, amazed. “I have heard of it! Why didn’t I think of it?”

  “Because you don’t have a good female to keep you in proper order. As my love slave you will remember whatever I tell you to remember, and not much else. Mainly, my favorite fruits. Let’s see to that now.” She swung in close to him, to plant the kiss.

  He dodged so hard that the universe spun for half a moment. When his orientation cleared, he was hovering in a glade surrounded by several old oak trees. There was some sort of ceremony taking place there.

  “Oh my soul,” Brunhilda said behind him. “It’s a wedding! I just love weddings.”