The Irreversible Reckoning

by T. Rudacille

  ***

  Adam and Rael took up steering for the night, because only they could make sense of the maps that we had found in the driver’s compartment of the lifeboat. After Janna had sorted out the sizes of the spare clothes, we begin to get everyone changed. Grace, of course, was too embarrassed to change out in the open, even with all of us turned in different directions, so Janna stood beside her with a towel stretched out and ordered me to take the other towel and do the same while Illa got Penny and Idan dressed.

  “I just don’t…” Grace started to explain embarrassedly, but Janna shushed her.

  “It is alright, darling. Regardless of your mean mother’s judgmental looks, we all understand.”

  I looked at her, frowning, but Grace seemed calmer. Janna mimicked my look of irritation, and then her face broke into her beautiful smile, and I could no longer be irritated.

  “Go change, my darling.” Janna told me, as I helped her get the kids settled in for the night. They were going to sleep beside her, because though there were thin blankets and even thinner pillows, we would all be warmest if we slept with at least one other person. Rohanna, Tony, and Rael were huddled together in the far corner of the ship, closest to the “bathroom” (and I say that in quotes because the bathroom was essentially an indoor outhouse, and just like any outhouse, indoor or outdoor, it prompted me to ask many questions about the mechanics of it all to James, who always teased me on my interest in the subject), and Illa and Grace, weirdly enough, were making temporary peace in the other corner, though Illa made a point to say, “I know it is quite tempting, but you had better not dare to touch my ass.”

  “Okay.” Grace had replied timidly, “I won’t.”

  Janna had laughed very softly at that, and I frowned at her again.

  “I know that laugh. It’s Janna’s ‘I know something you don’t know’-laugh.”

  “What?” She asked innocently, “Whatever could you mean?”

  “Whatever could I mean?” I repeated, mimicking her posh Pangaean accent, which made her laugh again, this time just her regular ‘Janna is entertained’-laugh, the one that warmed me through and made me absolutely have to kiss her.

  “Listen, you contemptuous but not altogether unpleasant grouch,” She said, “I know nothing that you do not know. Why? Because you are an Athene, and I am an Ares, and though I can read the secrets of this heart…” She reached out and walked her fingers lightly over my heart, “I cannot read the secrets of the universe. So, see? I am not laughing because I know something that you do not know. Your accusations are unfounded.”

  “Alright. I totally believe you. You manipulative but not altogether unlovable liar.” I replied sarcastically, and she chuckled again.

  “Well, good. Now kiss me and get out of here so I can get these children asleep.”

  “Fine. Fine.” I replied as I leaned in to kiss her again. Her eyes that had been very dark indigo all night lit up right then, returning to their normal bright shade of beautiful icy blue. A smile that I could not fight spread across my lips as I watched the color change; truly, I never got tired of watching the eyes of those I loved shift over to different colors. It was a sight so intriguing, I could not tear my gaze away from it if I tried. It was so beautiful, I found myself struck dumb by it. It was as alluring to the eye as a master symphony is to the ear, and when it was Janna’s eyes, it might as well have been a master symphony composed by Mozart himself. Her beauty stunned me, every day, without fail, even after so many years.

  “What?” She asked me softly, even though I knew by the slight flush of her pale white cheeks that she already knew. But one thing I had learned was that regardless of whether they knew, it was still nice to hear it said, so I answered.

  “You are just so beautiful, Janna.” I told her, “I know you have heard it one million times…”

  “But hearing it from you is better than every one of those times.”

  “Oh, really?”

  “Yes, really.”

  “Well, good.” I kissed her again, a little deeper, “I love you.”

  “I love you.”

  I kissed Penny’s head.

  “And I love you.”

  I kissed Idan’s head.

  “And I love you.”

  They began to doze off, and I stood up, shocked by how not tired I was. On the ship, as I was fighting our way out, I had been so tired, and in so much pain, that I had wanted to lie down and just let fate have its way with me. But now, though every part of my body still felt heavy and strained, I could not sleep. The dark Knowing I had seen on the ship was weighing on me, but more than that, I was feeling through the universe that Tyre knew his ship was gone. His brother was gone. His fallen men and women were gone before they could be redeemed. I was gone. To his knowledge, we had all perished, and the thought of that exhilarated me. As James changed his clothes, I crept out through the plastic into the front of the boat where Adam was standing at the steering wheel and pressing the pedal down as far as it could go.

  “My beauty, you should be sleeping.”

  “I will sleep when I am dead, as they say.”

  “People say that?”

  “Yes. You don’t think it’s clever?”

  “It is quite clever. Now that I think about it. Hmm…” He shrugged, “I shall have to remember that one.”

  “Do you want me to bring you a blanket? It’s freezing out here.”

  “No, darling. It is bracing.” He thumped his chest with his fist, and I chuckled. I leaned against the railing of the ship, and he kicked a lever underneath the pedal that kept it pressed down permanently, and then he locked the steering wheel so it would keep the boat going straight. As the boat continued forward, he walked over to me, closed the space between us, and kissed me. His lips pressed to mine so gently, and yet he apologized.

  “I am not fragile. I am not going to break, Adam.”

  “I know.” He told me softly, “You know that I know, sweetheart. I know that you are so strong.”

  “I am.” I looked up at him and grasped his stubble-covered cheek, “And you are my mountain man.”

  “Oh, don’t remind me. My hair very much needs one of your perfect cuts.”

  “I am quite good at them, aren’t I? I told my parents I wanted to go to cosmetology school on Earth, because they told me they would not pay for my college, and because I have always been quite good at styling hair and applying makeup. They said that was an embarrassment. It was a thriving business, though. I mean, my stars, without her hair and makeup team, my mother looked like a chain-smoking, drug-taking, alcoholic harpy instead of just acting like one.”

  “From what I heard, Lara Olivier was very beautiful.”

  “The glory of styled hair and skilled makeup application, my sweet, naïve man.”

  “I have seen you without the glory of styled hair and skilled makeup application, and you are divine.”

  I giggled at that, covering my mouth to stifle the sound, because I did not want to wake up whoever was possibly falling asleep inside.

  “You are lying, and you do not even have to anymore. My stars, Adam, we have been married for how many years now?”

  “Twenty… four? I do believe a new year has begun.”

  “Yes. Twenty-four years. You do not have to lie to me.”

  “Well, luckily, I am not lying. You truly are beautiful to me no matter what. Even when you are charging through walls with an axe, dripping wet, covered in blood, and obviously cold to the bone. Rather, I should say ‘especially’ when you are charging through like that.”

  I laughed again, and stood on my tiptoes to kiss him.

  “Can I tell you something random?”

  “Absolutely. You may tell me whatever you want to tell me, always.”

  “Okay. I love that you have to dip your head down to kiss me. I do not know why that thought struck me. It just did. When you did it just now. I just love it. It makes me all weak in the knees, as they say.”

  He chuckle
d at that.

  “See, now when I do it, I will be unable to stop myself from being amused.”

  “I hate it, actually.” I told him instantly, deadpan, and he laughed a little harder.

  “Well, now I will be even more amused when I do it.”

  I whacked him lightly in the chest and frowned.

  “You are so rude to me!”

  “I am sorry. I am sorry. Here.” Gently, he pressed his hands onto both of my shoulders so I was flat on my feet instead of on my tiptoes. My head went from being level with his neck to being level with his chest, and gently, he placed his finger under my chin and lifted my head so I was looking at him. Then, he dipped his head down to kiss me the way I so loved him to do. As our lips caressed, I laughed softly, and my arms wrapped around his back to hold him tight.

  “This world has never felt as limitless as it does right now.” I told him, and he pulled away slightly so he could look at me. “We’re free, Adam. Can you believe it?”

  “No.” He said, shaking his head, “Not yet. But by the One God, we are free, aren’t we? We are nowhere near safe, but we are free.”

  “And I will take being free and endangered over being imprisoned and endangered.”

  “As will I.” His hands grasped my face as he kissed me, and then came down my neck to rest on my shoulders, which he massaged. “By the One God, woman… You are going to be sore in the morning.”

  “So will Janna.”

  “Well, I suppose Maxwell and I will just have to dote upon the two of you.”

  “Yeah, we will.” James came through the plastic, “But before I dote on you, I am going to boss you around, and you’re going to snap at me, and give me your sass, and make me cry inside, but I am going to insist: You need to sleep, baby. Like, right now.”

  “But I’m not tired, James.” I whined.

  “Oh. Whining. That’s different.”

  “Don’t condescend me, James.”

  “Ah! See! You are tired. Because I happen to remember a little grammatical maven telling me that you cannot ‘condescend’ someone. You can use condescension. You can be condescending. But you cannot condescend, at least not in this context.”

  I gaped at him, wondering how in the world he could possibly remember that, but then, I realized… He was right.

  “Touché.” I said, and he pretended to stumble back several steps.

  “What?” He asked emphatically.

  “Shut up, James.” I said, and I rose onto my tiptoes to kiss Adam again. “When you get tired, wake someone up so you can get some sleep.”

  “Of course, my love. Go get some rest.”

  I sighed.

  “Fine.”

  He sighed.

  “Thank you.”

  I looked between the two of them, fighting a smile.

  “You two are so mean to me.”

  They both laughed at that, though I cannot say they shared the laugh. Their laughs were decidedly separate, but I did not care. I was too exhausted to care.

  James and I went back under the roof of the boat, and thankfully, everyone was fully asleep. I suppose it was easy for them; the ship had sunk, taking all the guards with it (we hoped) who might have pursued us. We were all totally exhausted, from our fight against the water, the guards, and the other prisoners, and from the mental strain our fight had taken. Rael and Tony were snoring away, and Rohanna was sleeping beside them, her mouth open but her breaths nearly silent. Idan and Penny were burrowed against both of Janna’s sides, and she was asleep with her head rested on top of Penny’s. Grace and Illa were asleep, Grace with her arms draped over Illa’s side, and upon closer inspection in the darkness, I saw that Illa’s hand was clasping Grace’s. If I didn’t know any better, I would think…

  “Here, sweetheart.” James handed me a change of clothes, and gratefully, I took them. Immediately, I began to shed my still damp clothes, and with them off, I actually felt warmer.

  “Are you dizzy, baby? Are you seeing black spots or anything?”

  “Well, it is dark, James.” I replied, “I am seeing darkness.”

  “Your lips have been blue since you took your little dive on the ship, and you’ve been shivering this whole time.”

  “Have I? I did not notice.”

  “Well, I did.” Delicately, he placed his hand on the curve of my side, right above my hip. “That okay?”

  I nodded, but my eyes were closed, and my brows were furrowed slightly in pain.

  “How about here?” His hand came around in front of me and pressed to my stomach so he could gently pull me back to him.

  “I am fine in both places.”

  “It still hurts.”

  “Does it not still hurt you?”

  “Sometimes.”

  “Well, it only hurts sometimes for me, as well. Hey…” I turned to him, stood on my tiptoes, and kissed him. “Do not worry about me. I can see that you are very perturbed about something. Your mind is racing a mile a minute, and your thoughts are strangely blurred.”

  “You know you aren’t supposed to be in my thoughts.” He said, but his irritation was lackluster.

  “I know. But while you are worrying about me, I am worrying about you. Something is troubling you.”

  “Oh, you mean besides the fact that when Tyre has his men scour that wreckage and pull out the bodies, and he discovers that we aren’t among the dead, he is going to come after us? You mean besides the fact that we just almost died as the ship went down? You mean besides the fact that you…”

  “That I what, James? That I fought us out of there while you and Adam bickered?”

  “No. But I mean, I guess I should add that, too.”

  “My stars… God or Gods, James…” I sighed, and my irritation was not lackluster.

  “No, it’s not because it was you who was fighting us out of there. It’s not because you’re a woman, and I’m a man, so I think that I should have been the big hero. Don’t make this like that, because that’s not it.”

  “Well, then what is it, James?”

  “I…” He stopped, shook his head, and looked at me, “No. Not here, baby. Not when you’re exhausted. And not when we’re standing right here, and he can hear us. Not when you need to be resting.”

  “Oh, will you two stop telling me I need to rest? Why don’t you two just whisk me away to a country home and lock me in the attic with the yellow wallpaper?”

  After a second of silence between us, during which his brows furrowed and he looked slightly irritated but very confused, he asked very incredulously:

  “What?”

  “Simple explanation: I am more than capable of deciding when it is time for me to rest, thank you so much.”

  “No, clearly, you aren’t.” He said, “Come on. You are literally swaying right now on your feet, and your shoulders are so tense, it feels like you’re ossified under there. Baby, please don’t fight me on this. Please.”

  “You want to tell me that you cannot ‘share me’ with Adam. ‘Share me.’ Like I am a toy. Like I am not the one in charge here.”

  “Don’t, baby. Let’s talk about this once we get to where we’re going.”

  “We have no idea where we’re going, so no, I think we are going to have this conversation now.”

  “Brynna.” He said, in that firm tone he always used when I was being unnecessarily stubborn, “I am not going to say that I want to end things. I am not going to say that I want you to choose. But it is really hard for me. What did you expect, baby? Huh? Did you expect us all to live together? Did you expect for me to feel alright watching you kiss him and touch him and hold him, and then have you turn around and kiss me and touch me and hold me? Did you expect this ever to be harmonious?”

  “I did, James, and do you know why? Because you told me it would be. You said that if it would make me happy, you would do it.”

  “Yeah, and that is what he said, too, I know. But it’s bullshit, baby. He wants you all to himself, and I want you all to myself. Botto
m line. End of story. That’s how it is. He can tell you that he wants you to be happy, but that’s easy for him to say when it’s his ring on your finger!”

  “Is that what this is about? God, James, I never thought of that. You had proposed to me, and I accepted. I still accept. Is that what you want? Do you want to get married?”

  “Of course I want to get married, baby. But you’re already married. To him.”

  “Yes. And you are also married. To her.” With my eyes, I gestured towards Janna.

  “No, we are married by Old Spirit laws, and now that we’re not among the Old Spirits anymore…”

  “What? You are going to end things with her? That is it? You two are over?” I was getting angry now. My anger was actually warming me, but it was also making my already thumping heart beat perilously fast.

  “Of course not.” He replied, “I mean, I don’t even know if she wants to be married to me, now that she doesn’t have to be.”

  “Of course she does, James! She loves you! And I love her, and I love Adam, and I love you.”

  “What I’m saying is that you and Adam, you said your vows. He gave you a ring. You married yourselves outside of the Old Spirit ruling. Janna and I haven’t done that, and I don’t know if I want to, baby. I love her. I do. But…” He sat down on the bench in front of me, grasped my hands, and looked up at me imploringly. “You are my everything, sweetheart. I can’t come up with anything less cheesy than that, or less cliché, because that is what you are to me. You are everything. I love you, because you make everything better. You make me better. I am not this person, when I’m not with you. Okay?” He asked, and I could hear his voice beginning to crack, so I reached up and grasped his face with the hand of mine that he was not holding. “I am terrible. I am a son of a bitch. I killed my dad. I accidentally killed my wife. I fucked other women. I discarded them like trash, Brynna. I broke their hearts, man.”

  “Don’t call me ‘man.’”

  “I’m sorry. I broke their hearts, Brynna. And yet somehow, despite all that, despite everything I’ve done, you love me. And you make me the best man I can possibly be. You do. You are that person for me. I don’t ever want to hurt you. I know that I do, and I tell myself that it’s the old me fighting for life. But this new person? I am this person because you love me. Because you forgive me when I screw up. Because I can tell you things that I would never, ever tell anyone else. Because I fucking love you, Brynna. Okay? I fucking love you.”

  Do not ask me how it was possible, but him adding the expletive to that sentence did not irritate me. Profanity could commonly be heard spouting from my lips in those days, so it was not that I was as offended by it as I had been when I was younger. But I never would have imagined that I ever would have said that it was appropriate in a declaration of love. But the way he said it—like it was simultaneously utterly unfathomable, how much he loved me, like it was the greatest gift, but also partly a curse, because of how it opened him up to be hurt or broken by me—I understood. And because I understood, the tears rushed into my eyes.

  “No.” He whispered, “No. No. Please don’t cry, baby.” He pulled me to him so I was sitting in his lap, and he buried his face in my neck, and kissed me there over and over again. “Please, I don’t want to make you upset. Not now. Not after everything that has happened to you.”

  “No. It is alright. James, how many times do I have to tell you that I am not fragile? What he did to me was monstrous, but I am going to survive. I am going to be sickened by it, and sad about it, and fucking furious, but as I have proven twice now, I can overcome it. I can overcome it, by fucking hating him first, but by viewing him as sad and sick but no less worthy of an eternity in hell later.”

  “I know.” He looked up at me, and I saw the line of tears running from his eyes, silver in the bright light from the moon. “I know that, sweetheart. I know how strong you are. I do. I just hate what he did.”

  Very gently, I kissed him, and whispered, “You and me, both, sweetheart. And as far as your goodness, you cannot put that all on my shoulders, James. You cannot force me to be the sole source of your goodness. That is not fair to me, and it is not fair to you. You are a good man now, because you were given this second chance. You are a good man because you have Penny, who God… She idolizes you, James.” He chuckled at that, and his tears began to fall more rapidly. “You are a good man because that is what all of us need you to be, not just me. And you are a good man, because inherently, regardless of your past, you are a good man. But I understand that this is hard for you, and I am sorry, but I will not choose…”

  “No.” He said, “Don’t be sorry. I don’t want you to be sorry. I don’t want you to choose.”

  “So, if I chose you right now…”

  “That’s unfair.”

  I sighed, rolled my eyes, and looked at him.

  “It was, wasn’t it?”

  “Very.”

  “Either way, I am not going to choose. I love you. I love him. I do not love you more than I love him. I do not love him more than I love you. I love you both in two totally different ways, and with everything that I am. You have no reason to be threatened. I will not one day decide that I no longer want you. You are one of the men I love in this world, and I am with you until the end of time, James Maxwell, because just as you have built a reliance on me, I have built one on you, and I am not sorry for that. Despite how many times you have hurt me, or I have hurt you, I love you, and I have built this life with you, and I am with you until there is no more life for you, for me, or for anyone. But I am with him, too. And I am with Janna. And no, I don’t expect all of us to live together. But I expect for all of us to make it work. I know that you love me so much, and I know that you do not want to end this. All I need from you is to help me make it work. If we all do our parts, we will be alright. We will be happy. We will test out ways to make things comfortable for everyone, and eventually, we will fall into a pattern where you are alright, and where he is alright, and where she is alright, and where I am alright. We will be more than alright. We will be happy.”

  “Do you see that? Do you know that?”

  “No. But I have faith in it. We are free now, James. They think that we are dead, and if we hide ourselves away sufficiently enough, it can stay that way.”

  “I don’t think your husband is going to so willingly exit this war like that, baby. But I will. I want out. I want to build you, Penny, Janna, and Idan a house, a place where we can hide away from all this bullshit. I know that’s what you want, too.”

  “And Adam said that he wants the same. See? We all have similar goals. We should all be getting along. I think that one day, you two will come to a complete understanding. I would even say one day you two might be friends.”

  He looked up at me in incredulous disbelief, and I laughed.

  “Methinks the lady desperately needs sleep now.”

  “Methinks the man needs to stop insinuating that the lady is tired and is therefore speaking deliriously.”

  “Methinks the lady… is… I don’t know. You win.”

  I beamed brightly.

  “Thank you. Now listen to me, love of my life.”

  “I will, fire of my loins.”

  “Good. We are going to make this work. We are going to be happy. We deserve that after all this. I will always be here for you. I will always keep you good. And I will always keep you honest. Because I love you, James Maxwell. You are a part of me now, as crucial to my functioning as any vital organ. And I know that you will always be here to keep me good, and to keep me honest. We are in this forever. I will love you until the end of time. Okay?”

  He looked at me, and his eyes swam in the tears that, once he blinked, began to cascade down his cheeks. A sob—his typical sob that was just a harshly expelled breath—escaped him, and as always, he bit his lip to stop it, and began to cover his face. But instead, I pulled him to me, pressed his face against my chest, and held him.

  “Do you trust me?”
<
br />   “Yes.” He whispered, his voice shaking, “Always, baby. Yes.”

  “Alright. Good.”

  “Do you trust me?” He pulled away and looked at me, his brown eyes glowing in the light. I closed the space between our lips and caressed his with mine.

  “To the very end.”

  “Then just know… that no matter what I do… ever… in my life… If I ever hurt you… I am sorry. And know that anything I will ever do… as long as I live… is for you. Everything I do is for you, Brynna. Everything.”

  I nodded, smiling very slightly even as the tears began to leak from my eyes. I closed the slight space between us and caressed his lips with mine.

  “I know, James.” I whispered, “I have always known that, and no matter what happens, I always will know it.”

  “Promise me.”

  With no hesitation, I said, “I promise.”