The Lush and the Angel (New Hampshire Bears Book 10)

by Mary Smith

  “Can you name one?” I push because I’m nosy, and I want to help him as well.

  “You, obviously.” He takes another sip. “My parents. My brothers. My career. Alcohol.”

  The last word makes me stiffen. He’s really thinking about it. I guess the therapy is working.

  “I just want the pain to go away.” His voice cracks.

  The pain he is referring to is the loss of his parents. He truly believes he killed them. I know he didn’t do anything. They died in a tragic accident, but he holds the guilt deep within him. I tried a hundred times to explain it to him, how it wasn’t his fault, yet…he doesn’t believe it.

  “I wish I could take it away from you.” I peck his cheek.

  I want to kiss him, but this isn’t the time. I miss the feel of his lips on mine. He’s by far the best kisser who has ever crossed my lips. I never told him and probably should…someday.

  “I had a dream.”

  “About what?” I ask.

  He tells me he was skiing with his parents and how he saw a place called The New Outlook, a rehab Caryn runs and about an avalanche. It sounds weird, but I believe his parents are telling him to go to rehab. Actually, it’s his sub-conscience telling him. I personally don’t believe in the paranormal or whatever, but I believe Bas should listen to the message.

  “Caryn asked me what it means to me and I thought nothing, but as I have sat here this entire afternoon I figured it out.” He looks broken, almost deflated.

  “What does it mean?”

  He shakes his head and quickly stands up holding tight to the bottle. Walking around the table he stops, keeping his back to me. He knows the meaning but can’t admit to himself. He’s not reached that point yet. I know he has to be the one to come to his own realization. No one can force him into rehab.

  I let him stand there and stew for a while before I go over to him. I’m not thinking about what I’m doing…I just do it. Taking the bottle from his hand, I set it down, cup his face and pull him to me. Our lips crash together as we hold each other tight, but a second later we relax into each other’s arms. The kiss softens, and I let him slide his tongue into my mouth. Yes, the burn of the vodka invades my senses, but I keep him close. He has one hand on the small of my back and the other tangles in my long red hair.

  We both let our guards down as a moan escapes us both. I can’t even remember how long it’s been since we touched, kissed. Three months? Four? Time goes by fast when you’re not getting laid. He guides me over to the couch and together we maneuver down until he’s cradled between my legs. He’s hard. Rock hard. I can already feel the wetness on my thong as my body tingles with his touch. This is the feeling I always want with him. He gives me butterflies all the time, but this—this is different.

  He moves his hand under my sweater and slowly moves it up my torso. Our tongues battle each other as they entwine. He tugs on the cup of my bra, releasing my breast. The first time he ever touched me this way, I imagined his hands were going to be rough. I’d been wrong, and I’m still wrong. His touch is firm but his skin is soft. My toes curl as he rolls my nipple around with his fingertips. He bites on my bottom lip causing me to hiss in pleasure. I yank on his t-shirt until I connect with his warm back. I drag my fingernails up and down as he grinds his hard-on deeper into my core.

  “Bas, please.” I beg him. I want…need to feel his skin on mine. I have to feel him inside me.

  “Fuck.” He raises up on to his knees.

  Together we fight, tug, and pull at each other’s clothes until we’re both exposed. Bas has a hard body, but it’s not all cut. His abs are flat with no deep definition. But his hip bones have the best divots and I want to lick them…again.

  There’s no foreplay as we had done in the past. Our bodies are humming for each other. It is almost electric. I spread my legs wanting him more than air. He doesn’t wait. Slamming into me, it’s not pain I feel but—pleasure. Pulling back, he slams into me again. And again. And again. He continues until we both find our rhythm. I arch my back the best I can on the couch. I don’t care how much pain I’ll be in later because right now I need him.

  He jerks me up and we change positions. He sits up as I straddle him. His cock finds me without much direction. I sigh with a deep relief as he fills me. I rock back and forth against him as his nails dig into my ass. We groan, moan, breathlessly whispering our names as our bodies slap together. Tension grows throughout my body, and Bas’ shallow breathing tells me he’s as close to coming as I am.

  I bounce up and down, harder and faster until I yell out his name letting my release flow down his cock and balls.

  “Keep going.” He gruffly orders, and I continue bouncing on him. His head falls back with his eyes rolling back. I feel his hot cum filling me up. “Fuck.” He pulls me down to him, kissing me hard.

  We fall together on our sides. He pulls me close to him. As our breathing slows, my eyes grow heavy.

  I wake up in Bas’ bed, covered up with his comforter. The only light in the room is from the streetlights. I reach across the bed, but it’s empty. Bas isn’t there. I wrap myself up and go search for him.

  I easily find him in the living room. The TV is on, but he’s not watching it. There’s a bottle on the table, but it’s full.

  “Bas.”

  He looks up. “Hey.”

  I sit next to him but say nothing. I lace my fingers with his. A solemn expression is on his face. I’m not sure what he’s thinking, but it’s serious.

  “The dream means I need to go to rehab,” he says out of the blue.

  I hold my breath.

  “But I can handle it on my own.”

  My shoulders sag. So close, yet so far away. “How is handling it on your own working out for you?” I keep my tone even and soft.

  He shakes his head. “It’s not.”

  “Let’s talk to Caryn. I’ll go with you if you want. If you tell her everything she’ll be able to help.” I suggest.

  “I have to go back in the morning.” His voice cracks.

  “Do you want me to come.” I squeeze his hand.

  “This is something I do on my own.” He shakes his head.

  In the flickering glow of the TV, his eyes are watering. Bas is about to cry. His bottom lip quivers. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him close. He holds onto me as if I’m a lifeline of a sinking ship. I know he’s trying to hold back his emotions, and I don’t let him go.

  Several moments later, he pulls away. I’m not sure if any tears fell, but it doesn’t matter. I’m here for him. He needs someone, and I’ll be the person he can lean on.

  Chapter Eleven

  Bas

  I’ve heard the word epiphany, but I never had one. Until last night, when I left Caryn’s office, I was supposed to go workout, but I came home instead.

  I cracked open a bottle of vodka and drank. I thought about everything I told her and it all became clear. Clearer than ever before. When Erin came over she timed it perfectly. I had no plans to confess all I did to her, but I did, and I can’t take it back.

  After we had sex and I moved her to the bedroom, I stared at her like some creepy window peeper. But I didn’t have the ability to look away. I love her and if I want her in my life, I need to be a man.

  I don’t love alcohol, but it helps ease the pain of my failures. The pain runs deep into my soul. There’s no way I can deal with it without the alcohol. But I need to be a man. I can’t hit bottom. She’s someone to help me get back to the top. I know she can because she’s been by my side through all this shit.

  I sit on Caryn’s couch and stare down at my interlocked fingers. All the words are on my tongue, ready to spill out, but nothing is coming.

  “Just say it, Bas.” Caryn knows me and can tell by my expression I want to say something.

  “I have pain.” I start. “Pain I can’t get away from or get rid of.” My throat begins to close and my mouth dries. Almost like sandpaper.

  “Where is the pain coming fro
m?” She questions.

  I cough nervously. “I killed my parents.”

  Her brow furrows. “Explain.”

  Lifting my head, tears burn behind my eyes. My heart is racing. “I did it.”

  “Tell me what happened.”

  My hands begin to shake. Can I talk about this? Dropping my head into my hands, I rub my temples. I’m in the beginning stages of a massive headache. There’s no way I can talk about this. I know I have to, but can I?

  I can.

  “They moved up their trip because of me. They wanted a holiday and my hockey team had a tournament, so they had to change the dates.”

  I don’t realize there are tears in my eyes until I feel the wetness rolling down my cheeks. I’m not one to cry, yet here I am—crying like a tot.

  “What happened to them?” Caryn asks.

  “They had an accident,” I answer vaguely.

  “What kind?”

  My heart feels as if it’s going to just jump out of my chest, but I continue talking. “A skiing accident. They had gone skiing, something we did as a family a lot, but this time they went alone.” I take a deep breath. “We’re not completely sure what happened. We do know they were on an advanced trail, somehow got off it, and fell off a small cliff. A passerby had seen their tracks and contacted the authorities.”

  My throat begins to close again. I’ve not spoken about this in years. My hands are still shaking, and I close them tightly, trying to make it stop.

  “Police came to Grams’ house. I remember hearing the knock, standing at the top of the stairs, and hearing her yell out and cry.” Tears roll faster down my cheeks. The sounds of that day still ring in my ears. It’s what I need to drown out, along with all my failures.

  “And you feel their death was caused by you?” Caryn is now sitting next to me on the couch. I don’t remember seeing her move over to me.

  “Yes,” I answer her, my heart twists in pain.

  “Bas, you’re a smart man. You have a great sense of the world. Do you believe, truly believe, you’re responsible for your parents going off the ski trail and falling off a cliff?”

  Even though the question is harsh in its description, her tone is not. I do understand what she’s asking because my brain is able to process what the words mean. However, my heart knows the truth. They would have never been there had it not been for me.

  “Are you going to answer me?”

  “I don’t want to.”

  The room begins to close in on me. I can’t be in here anymore. I bolt up from the couch and make my way toward the door.

  “Where are you going?” Caryn yells after me, but I keep walking faster and faster until I’m outside.

  The cold November air hits my lungs, cooling the emotions burning inside me. I roughly scrub my face with my hands as I walk toward home. I should call an Uber, but right now I need to walk.

  Memories are flooding me causing the pain to fill my soul. I thought about what happened after Grams’ cries. I went back up to our room. Beck on the floor playing with his truck, Bax sitting on the bed reading some story. I remember realizing the pressure of being the oldest. I had a lot of weight on my shoulders because I didn’t want us to be split apart. It had been my biggest fear. They were my best friends. They were my brothers. They were my life. I couldn’t tell them what I just heard downstairs. Instead, I sat down in the corner until Gram came upstairs. Beck and Bax tears are burned into my brain. Holding Bax in my arms still hurt me. I had caused their pain.

  I had failed them.

  “Bas!”

  I stop on the sidewalk and peer to my left.

  “Get in, Son.” Oliver orders from the back of his chauffeur-driven car.

  I’m about to say no but the glare he’s giving me, I know better. I begrudgingly make my way to his car and slide into the back seat.

  “What are you doing, Son?” he asks as the driver pulls back into traffic.

  I can’t answer him. Not because I’m unable to but because I don’t know. My world, my life is falling apart, and I don’t know what’s happening.

  “You need to talk, Bas. Caryn can help, but I can help you too.”

  Staring out the window, I try to take his offer to heart, but I can’t handle it. “No one can help me.” I confess.

  “Yes I can help.” Oliver’s voice booms. “I swear to you now, Bas, I will be here for you.”

  I will not cry in front of him. I will not cry in front of him. I repeat this numerous times, causing the tears to dry up without appearing.

  “You don’t have to do this journey alone, Son. I have broad shoulders and they can handle a lot of weight.”

  Do not cry.

  “I want you back on the ice, but most of all I want you to succeed in life.”

  That was the pin bursting the balloon. I absolutely collapse into tears. When was the last time someone cared about me? When was the last time someone believed in me? Oliver wraps me up in his large arms. I am sobbing loudly, and he doesn’t push me away. He holds me tighter. I can’t stop the tears. I don’t even know how long I cried or how long Oliver held me, but I realize the car has stopped. I sit up, wiping my face with the back of my hand.

  “Sorry.” I mumble.

  “Don’t ever apologize for needing or leaning on someone. Everyone needs someone.” Oliver hands me a tissue. “I want you to come with me.”

  I nod and get out of the car. We are in front of the Bears arena, near the player’s entrance. I follow him into the arena, down the hall, and into the player’s conference room. Inside sits the entire team of Bears, Coach Long, Nova, and Janan.

  “Sit in the front next to Taden,” Oliver whispers and I do. Coach Long pats my knee when I take my seat.

  “All right.” Oliver’s voice silences the soft tones fluttering in the room. They were talking about me. I know it. “I appreciate everyone coming in on short notice. As I said, this is important.” He strolls up the middle aisle. “I love every single person in this room. You all are my family. I hear the snickers of other owners and managers when they talk about this team. They can’t believe we’ve not traded anyone in over three seasons. But do you know why?” He pauses. “We’re family. Family sticks together.”

  A chill runs down my spine.

  “I can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do.” He comes back to the front of the room and stares intently at everyone. “What I’m about to say, I want to remain in this room. I don’t want to hear about it on social media, or even on TV. If you can’t keep it quiet and within our family, then get the fuck out.”

  I keep watching him and no one makes a move from their chairs. I’m wondering where this is going. What’s the talk about?

  “In this great country if you’re over twenty-one you can drink alcohol.”

  My heart stops. Oh shit. Where is this going?

  “There are no real rules in the PHL regarding alcohol abuse, but that’s changing. I’m going to meet with the PHL board to discuss and enact some new rules. Even if those new rules don’t come into effect, I don’t care because I’m going to discuss it with you all.” He takes a deep breath as Nova stands and hands him a stack of papers. He holds them high over his head. “This is a pledge. It states that off and on the ice, you will remain alcohol free.”

  My mouth drops as does my stomach. He’s going to call me out. Right here and now, he’s going to make me an example. How do I handle this?

  “No one is being forced to sign this. I can’t make you as I said before. However, I’m making all events from this point on family friendly and alcohol free.”

  There’s a round of applause, but my eyes can’t leave Oliver. He hands the papers back to Nova and now Janan comes up to help spread them out and lays out pens on the table.

  Oliver picks up a pen and scribbles his name. He steps off to the side as Coach Long makes his way to the table. Soon, the guys are in a line waiting to sign their name…until the entire team has signed.

  “Thank you, everyone
,” Oliver says when Nova collects all the pledges. “You can all go home.”

  I remain in my seat as the room empties. No one spoke to me, which is fine since I don’t know what to think right now. I’m in a fog. A daze. The entire team signed a pledge. Is it for me? Well, obviously, but what does it really mean?

  “Come on, Son,” Oliver says. I obediently stand, following him.

  As we reach the double doors to the parking lot, Cabel, Alden, Nathan, Teo, and Vance are all standing in a circle.

  “Hey, Bas.” Cabel greets me. “Want to grab an early dinner?” I glance at them and nod. Why did I agree to go with them? Oliver pats my back, slightly pushing me toward them. I stumble on my feet but make it over to them.

  “Ride with me.” Cabel grins his silly, old man grin and the guys begin to walk out the door.

  Cabel’s Hummer is right in front. Alden, Nathan, and Teo all jump into the back. Vance says he will follow. Vance probably wants to drive alone, so he can leave early to be with his wife and twin girls. All the guys are talking about kids, girlfriends, and wives, all the things I don’t have. Probably never will, either.

  We make it to the steakhouse, and I’m actually hungry. I guess crying takes it out of you. However, I’d kill for a drink. I’m drained emotionally and physically. Walking in, we’re quickly seated. Being a New Hampshire Bears hockey player does have its perks, at times.

  Once we settle in, the uncomfortable silence begins after the waitress takes everyone’s drink order. It’s water all around including myself. Any other time, it would be beer and shots for all of us. They’re doing all this because of me, and I feel horrible. I never asked for all this attention and sure as hell didn’t want the team to go dry.

  “How’s the love life, Cabel?” Alden’s the first to ask.

  “He has no love life.” Vance’s Irish accent chuckles at the notion Cabel having a love life. The man has been single since he and his wife divorced several years ago.

  “Not true,” Nathan says. “Pops has been a texting machine lately, and it’s not to his daughters.”