Love & Loss (The Austin Series)

by C. J. Fallowfield

  ‘Like you were looking into his soul and he was yours and you both liked what you saw?’ I whispered and she nodded and started crying again. I pulled her down into my lap and stroked her hair. ‘You’re in love him Lexi.’

  ‘Well I don’t want to be Mia, love complicates things.’

  ‘It does, but it also makes things beautiful too.’

  ‘I’m not ready for love and seriousness.’

  ‘When is anyone ready Lex? Why do you think you aren’t?’

  ‘I’ve never done it before.’

  ‘Neither had I and I’m doing ok.’

  ‘Yeah but you’re tough.’

  ‘Me?’ I laughed. ‘If anyone in this room is tough it’s you. You’ve been abandoned by the two most important people in your life Lex.’

  ‘They’re not the most important people in my life, you and Mr and Mrs P are.’

  ‘We are now, but we shouldn’t have been. What your parents have put you through is inexcusable and you’re still standing. You don’t put up with crap from anyone, that’s how strong you are.’

  ‘Because I have you, I always know that I have you if I need someone.’

  ‘You could always have Doug, if you’d let him love you.’

  ‘No,’ she shook her head. ‘Relationships can fail, our friendship never will.’

  ‘You didn’t know that when you let me get close to you, you took a risk then. What made me different to Doug?’

  ‘Time and proximity, plus as a girl you weren’t likely to break my heart.’

  ‘Ok so let me get this clear. You’ve realised that you love Doug?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said quietly.

  ‘You now know that you can have amazing sex with him?’

  ‘Yes,’ she nodded.

  ‘You get on great, he makes you laugh and he’s your best friend?’

  ‘Yes, yes and assistant best friend. No one will ever top you,’ she looked up at me with watery eyes. I smiled down at her and kissed my fingers and put them on her lips.

  ‘So you have everything anybody ever wants in a relationship and you’re walking away?’

  ‘You make it sound like I’m stupid,’ she muttered.

  ‘Well sometimes you can be,’ I said gently. ‘You’re going to go back to one night stands for the rest of your life?’

  ‘Not for the rest of my life, just until I can sort myself out and deal with my trust issues.’

  ‘What if he’s moved on by then? You said the same to me about Gabe, you’re really willing to risk losing Doug forever for … for what again?’

  ‘I’m scared it will all turn out bad and I’ll get hurt again Mia.’

  ‘You’re hurting now,’ I reminded her.

  ‘But it’s on my terms, my choice.’

  ‘O my God, if you weren’t so upset I’d pull out one of my infamous slaps right now.’

  ‘Don’t have a go at me, I feel bad enough as it is.’

  ‘I’m not going having a go Lex, but as your best friend I think it entitles me to tell it to you straight, just like you did to me. You’re more stubborn than I am though, the more people push you to do something, the more you push back against it. If you really feel you’re not ready to commit to him then you probably aren’t. I just need you to be clear that he’s not going to wait for you for ever, so if you’re serious about him being someone you could see yourself with, you need to work really hard on trying to overcome your fears.’

  ‘How did you do it?’

  ‘I don’t know if I have. I’m still petrified of marriage and children, but when you love someone you want to make them happy and give them everything they want. I guess confronting Richard helped, realising that he wasn’t capable of being the father I wanted, that it was nothing I did. Gerry’s been a good father, to both of us, so I’m beginning to believe in myself a bit more.’

  ‘So that one meeting with your Dad just changed your mind on everything?’ she asked as she sat up and wiped her eyes on her sleeve.

  ‘No, it’s like the heavy fog lifted and now there’s just a fine mist. I’m still scared of getting hurt, I think even the most well-adjusted person still has fears, but even when I thought Gabe and I were over, horrible as it was, if I had my time again I wouldn’t have given up being with him, not for a second.’

  ‘You think I should go see my mum and try and find my dad?’

  ‘Do you think you should go and see them?’ I asked. She frowned and chewed on her lip.

  ‘What do you think?’

  ‘Doesn’t matter what I think Lex, it matters what you want. What do you want to get out of meeting them? Are you hoping that they’ll see the error of their ways and turn into the loving parents you deserved? Or are you looking for closure, like I was? Only you can know what you need to hear from them and whether it’s going to help.’

  ‘This is getting really deep,’ she groaned.

  ‘Then we don’t need to talk anymore. Tell me what you need? We can do this at your own pace.’

  ‘I need coffee and a cigarette.’

  ‘Coffee I can do, I’m not letting you slip back into that awful habit though.’

  ‘Chocolate and ice cream?’

  ‘That I can do too. Stay here in case the boys are still next door.’ I kissed her forehead and got up.

  ‘Mia?’

  ‘Yeah?’ I looked back at her.

  ‘Is Gabe really pissed with me?’

  ‘No, he’s like me, upset about it, but there’s no blame.’

  ‘What about the four of us, friends wise?’

  ‘That’s up to you and Doug. I think it would be nice if you could talk to him and explain properly why you’ve ended it, he’s very confused Lex. It would be lovely if we could all hang out still, but that may take time, for you both.’ I smiled at her and she nodded and snuggled down in the bed again.

  I was surprised to find the boys had already bagged everything up, I went over to my apartment and they’d done it all in there as well. I grabbed the gel eye mask out of the freezer for Lex and wrapped it in cling film and returned to the bedroom with two coffees and found she was falling asleep.

  ‘Hey just lift your head a minute so I can put this mask on ok?’

  ‘Ok,’ she moaned in a daze. I managed to wriggle it on and tucked the duvet around her and sat on the edge of the bed stroking her hair while I sipped my coffee waiting for her to fall asleep. I went and cleaned my old apartment first, taking my iPhone to play some music on and when I finished hovering I noticed I had two messages, Gabe and Milo. Damn it, I’d forgotten all about Milo and his inappropriate behaviour last night. I checked Gabe’s first.

  We’ve gone out for Sunday lunch and the swim boys are going to meet us to get him drunk to try and cheer him up. Do I need to stay out of the way? I can join them if you want xx

  You don’t need to stay out of the way, but I don’t mind if you want to go and fun with your friends, you haven’t been out with them for ever. I promise I’ll stay here if you’re out. Love you xx

  I took a deep breath and opened Milo’s text.

  Thanks for a great party last night, I’m really suffering this morning, I’ve been sick as a dog. I don’t even remember getting back and I must have dropped something on my foot, it’s seriously bruised. Hope I didn’t break anything valuable? Let me know if you need a hand with the clear up x

  I frowned and read it again, was he really clueless, or was this his way of trying to avoid any embarrassment with me? I felt really confused again and decided to leave replying until I’d tried to process how I felt. I headed back to our apartment and left the hovering until last, trying not to wake Lexi. I giggled when I was cleaning the bathroom to see that there was an imprint of my breasts in the glass of the door. I checked our fridge and freezer and sighed to find it was all healthy stuff, except for a tray of the chocolate caramel squares, which made me laugh. The sneaky bugger he’d taken it and hidden it to make sure he had some left over. I popped one in my mouth as I rang the pizza compan
y and ordered Lexi and my favourites, along with a tub of ice cream each and raided the old snack drawer in number five for two large bars of chocolate, then went to wake her up. She groaned and then screamed.

  ‘Mia I’ve gone blind,’ she panicked as she sat up. I burst out laughing as her hands flew to her face.

  ‘You’ve got the eye mask on you daft mare,’ I giggled as she pulled it off and let out a huge sigh.

  ‘Shitty death,’ she groaned and flopped back on the bed. ‘I think I just had a heart attack.’

  ‘Sorry, you were half asleep when I put it on, but it’s helped, a bit. How are you feeling?’

  ‘Better, was I out for long?’

  ‘Long enough to stitch me up with a five hour cleaning operation.’

  ‘Damn it, I was so looking forward to doing that,’ she pouted making me laugh again.

  ‘Liar.’

  ‘What time is it?’

  ‘Nearly six. I ordered pizza and ice cream and we have chocolate, so we’re going to go and sit in the lounge, put on the fire and watch some movies to cheer you up ok?’

  ‘What about Doug? I’m not sure I can face him yet.’

  ‘The swim boys are taking him out to get him hammered.’

  ‘Will I be in Gabe’s way if I’m here with you?’

  ‘No, he offered to leave us in peace and may stay out for the night with them. Great, there’s the intercom, pizza’s here. Go and freshen up and I’ll set for our comfort foodathon.’

  ‘So dish the deal with Milo last night?’ Lexi asked as she shovelled her pizza in. I looked at her amazed, when I was hurting I went off my food, she was the exact opposite.

  ‘How drunk do you think he was?’

  ‘Hammered. Why?’

  ‘He sent me a text earlier and is making out like he doesn’t remember what happened.’

  ‘You still haven’t actually told me what happened, though it’s pretty easy to deduce.’

  ‘Lexi it was seriously creepy. Out of now where.’

  ‘No, not out of nowhere, we’ve been telling you for ages. So he tried it on?’

  ‘Not exactly no,’ I frowned as I tried to recall exactly what happened. ‘He scared me sneaking up behind me, then gave me a hug, then he muttered something about never letting anything happen to me and asked me why I was with Gabe, then mumbled something about my hair shining like gold.’

  ‘It’s brown, is he colour blind as well as stupid? You got upset about that?’

  ‘No, but he wouldn’t let me go and I was so worried Gabe was going to come out and see us like that, so I asked him to let me go and he … he kissed my neck. I mean that could have just been friendly right?’

  ‘Head, forehead, cheek yes. Neck? No way, that’s intimate,’ she replied looking at me as if I was stupid.

  ‘Damn it Lexi, he’s never done anything like that before.’

  ‘Well everyone gets lonely and desperate New Year’s Eve, where was his girlfriend?’

  ‘Jenny? I think she was working.’

  ‘Convenient, again,’ she snorted.

  ‘Meaning?’

  ‘Come on Mia, every time she’s due to come up she cancels last minute and who in a relationship choses to be apart New Year? I bet she doesn’t even exist, she’s just a figment of his imagination.’

  ‘I’ve seen pictures Lex.’

  ‘If Doug’s taught me anything pictures can be manipulated.’

  ‘Who makes up a fake girlfriend?’ I rolled my eyes, she was way off base here.

  ‘A guy who wants to relax you, make you feel unthreatened so he can get close to you and swoop in and make his move when you least suspect it.’

  ‘You sound like Castle with his wacky conspiracy theories.’

  ‘You’d be a good Beckett, o my God, next year we can dress up and go as Caskett.’

  ‘Focus Lex, Milo what do I do?’

  ‘How did you leave it?’

  ‘He wouldn’t let me go, I warned him I’d hurt him if he didn’t, then he said I was hurting him by being with Gabe … then he called him … he called him a cocky twat,’ I muttered and Lexi burst out laughing. ‘It’s not funny.’

  ‘Well he is cocky, sometimes,’ she nodded.

  ‘Well it upset me, how dare he judge him? That just sealed it for me, so I stamped on his foot really hard to make him let me go and that’s when you saw me.’

  ‘And he’s saying he doesn’t remember all of this?’ she asked as she waved her spoonful of ice cream around. I showed her the text and she bobbed her head as she sucked on her spoon and frowned. ‘Could be true, he was hammered.’

  ‘So what do I do?’

  ‘Follow his lead next time you see him. If he’s like normal then he obviously doesn’t remember and it’s up to you how you want to handle it. Just promise me something?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Don’t ever tell Gabe this or he’ll never let you speak to him again.’

  ‘I’m not stupid Lex,’ I laughed. I felt better for talking it out. She must be right, he was missing Jenny, drunk and horny, like most teenage guys and I was there. It was no secret Gabe didn’t like him, so he was bound to have some residual anger towards him. I’d just see how our next meeting went and play it by ear. ‘So, you seem remarkably chipper all things considered.’

  ‘I’ve made my bed,’ she shrugged. ‘Gonna have to deal aren’t I?’

  ‘With me.’

  ‘With you,’ she smiled. ‘So can we just put all this relationship shit on the back burner and chill out together?’

  ‘Sure. You sleeping with Gabe and I again tonight?’

  ‘Shit, was he really pissed this morning?’

  ‘No, surprised and embarrassed that he was in bed naked and hard with you lying a few feet away.’

  ‘Damn it, perfect opportunity to see Mr Cocky in the flesh. Holy shit, have you made that vibrator yet?’

  ‘No, we sort of had that planned for today.’

  ‘You had fuck plans and I’ve screwed them all up?’

  ‘We always have fuck plans, you’ve screwed nothing up.’

  ‘I’ll sleep in my bed tonight and give you some space,’ she sighed.

  ‘You don’t have to if you aren’t ready.’

  ‘Ok I’m sleeping over again,’ she said in a rush looking at me relieved.

  ‘Whatever you do don’t mention Sam and the date. He found out and went mad last night and forbid me to go.’

  ‘Mia,’ she groaned. ‘It’s all I have to look forward to. You’re not telling me that you’re going to let your best friend in the whole wide world down are you?’ She gave me her best pleading face and I started laughing.

  ‘I’m not going to lie to Gabe Lex.’

  ‘So don’t lie, it’s a Friday night. As far as he’s concerned we’re out as usual and meeting him later. He won’t know we’ve nipped down to London and if it all goes well you make your excuses and you could be back here with him before he even knows anything’s happened.’

  ‘Nipped to London?’ I laughed. ‘It’s over an hour away and what would we “nip” in?’

  ‘Always with the details Page. Leave it all to me. The less you know the better, plausible deniability and all. This date’s on though, I’ve just been through an emotional trauma.’ She looked at me with big doe eyes.

  ‘God damn it Lexi, you’re putting me in a really difficult position here.’

  ‘No, I’m hoping you’ll put me in a difficult position of karmasutrical proportions with Sam,’ she winked and I slapped her shoulder as I giggled.

  We spent an hour playing pinball and pool before settling into watch Pacific Rim and I frowned when it finished and I realised it was nearly ten and I hadn’t heard from Gabe.

  I’m assuming you’ve stayed out with the boys, which is fine, but please let me know you’re ok and what sort of time you plan on coming home so I don’t worry. Lexi’s doing better, but she’d like to sleep over again if you don’t mind? How’s Doug?

  My phone rang with a
facetime call almost immediately so I took it to the bedroom.

  ‘Hi, having a good time?’

  ‘I’m drinking,’ he grinned.

  ‘Well I guessed that as you were a no show.’

  ‘Are you mad with me baby?’ he pouted making me smile. He was drunk, I hadn’t seen him like that since he got hammered with his Dad. If he was worried about me being mad with him, that seemed to imply that he’d forgotten he was mad with me last night.

  ‘Not mad that you’re drinking or that you’re out, just that I didn’t know if you were ok.’

  ‘You look so beautiful and we haven’t fucked all day. Don’t tell me Lexi has to sleep over again?’

  ‘We can fuck anytime Gabe, she needs me right now.’

  ‘I need you right now.’

  ‘Well consider it practice. You want children, are you going to have a tantrum because we can’t have sex when your son or daughter wants to get in bed with us?’

  ‘Our son or daughter?’ I watched his face light up. ‘I like that, but Lexi’s not a child Mia. I need you, it’s been ages.’

  ‘Who’s being a child now Gabe Austin?’

  ‘Well I don’t want to sleep without you and I can’t get in bed with both of you in there, it’s weird.’

  ‘Think of it as a threesome, without the sex.’

  ‘Would you be happy sharing a bed with Doug and I?’

  ‘That’s different.’

  ‘Why? He’s my best friend, maybe he needs a sleep over too.’

  ‘Gabe, have you ever shared a bed with Doug?’ I laughed.

  ‘No, of course not, he’s a bloody guy.’

  ‘So that would be weird, I sleep with Lexi all the time and it’s not like you’ll notice, it’s a massive bed and I’ll be in the middle.’

  ‘You know I’ll be a bloody laughing stock if it gets out that I slept with two women without actually sleeping with them?’ he sighed as he ran a hand through his hair.

  ‘No one needs to know. Please don’t make me kick her out Gabe. What can I do for you to make it worth your while?’ I batted my eyelids at him and licked my lips as I twiddled my hair.

  ‘Damn it Mia, you’re getting me hard again,’ he groaned.

  ‘So, name your price, sexually.’