Love & Loss (The Austin Series)

by C. J. Fallowfield

  July

  I knocked on Lexi’s door at 7 p.m. I felt slightly sick, my palms felt clammy and my heart was racing way too fast, I had a feeling my news was going to upset her. She opened it with a big grin.

  ‘Welcome to movie Tuesday with the Clarkester. Beer or wine?’

  ‘Wine please,’ I replied as she shut the door and I followed her into the kitchen. So how’s it going with you and Dan?’

  ‘The regular friends with benefits thing is working out really well for us. I don’t want a relationship, he doesn’t want one, we just booty call each other when we need a release.’

  ‘And how about Doug? Are you handling him seeing Sarah ok?’ I watched her carefully as she opened the bottle of Zinfandel, she pulled a face and shrugged.

  ‘Nothing to do with me whether he’s seeing someone is it?’

  ‘It’s his first girlfriend since you Lexi and you’re not over him yet, so it’s ok to have an opinion on the matter.’

  ‘What do you mean I’m not over him,’ she shot me a frown over her shoulder.

  ‘Lex it’s me,’ I sighed. ‘You don’t have to lie to me.’

  ‘He needs to move on Mia, I’m not in that place so why should he wait around?’

  ‘You’re not hurt or sad about it?’

  ‘Ok fine, it stings, is that what you want to hear? The thought of him laughing with her, showing her how he uses his camera, how he looks when he’s in his trunks practicing in the pool, the way he’s all caring and strokes my forehead when I’m feeling miserable … fuck, you’ve gone and done it haven’t you? I’m talking about me and him instead of her and him. I hate you Page,’ she muttered as she shoved a wine my way.

  ‘He’s the most important relationship you’ve had Lexi. You were friends before the great one time sex, he’s bound to have wormed his way deep into your heart. I’m just worried that it will be too late for you. I actually quite like this Sarah.’

  ‘Bitch, take that back,’ she uttered looking at me amazed.

  ‘She’s not going to fill the role of best friend, that position’s already taken.’

  ‘Damn right it is. Well I like her too, even when I hate her,’ she sighed. ‘I made my bed though, it was my choice to walk away so I can’t begrudge him moving on.’

  ‘Trying to move on Lex, I don’t think he’s over you either.’

  ‘Whatever. How about you? You seem a bit off.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I replied with a shrug.

  ‘Fine, yeah, I know what that means. What’s he done now?’

  ‘Nothing,’ I said with a reassuring smile. ‘I mean he’s ramped up the protectiveness again, what with that fifth girl having been found, raped and …’ I shuddered as I remembered the reports all over the news. Her face had been smashed again and again until she was barely recognisable then she’d been dumped naked on Campus. The police had doubled their efforts to try and track this guy down, saying he was escalating. To make matters worse I was starting to get paranoid with Gabe getting so overprotective, I was even convinced that someone was watching me whenever I was out.

  ‘Yeah I know,’ Lexi sighed. ‘Got to say I’m glad you have a Gabe looking after you.’

  ‘Me too,’ I nodded. ‘I just really miss my dancing, I mean I have enough in my savings to keep me going for a while, but I need to get a job you know? I just have a feeling Gabe’s not going to let me get any sort of job until they catch this guy. Not after the last few months with the whole Adam and Milo situation either.’

  ‘Where you at on that?’

  ‘The police took all of our statements and gave Adam a warning to stay away from me. Gabe’s still a bit furious about it all. Partly at Milo for having been in the club and seeing me perform in the first place, but also because he had to admit that Milo being there had stopped anything worse happening. He’s still feeling guilty he wasn’t there to protect me and annoyed that he has to be grateful that Milo was. That has completely fried his brain.’

  ‘I’ll bet,’ Lexi laughed. I shook my head. I felt just as confused about it. Milo had insisted it was his first visit to the club in months and that he was just as stunned to see me on stage, that was why he hung around to talk to me after.

  ‘So why the face?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You have talk face on. What do you need to get off that humungous chest of yours?’

  ‘My tits are average sized, why does everyone insist on calling them huge?’

  ‘Ermmm hello? Mine don’t even classify as fried eggs, yours are frickin’ water melons.’

  ‘Galia melons thank you. They are round and firm, not elongated and watery.’

  ‘Whatever, they’re still melon sized. So why the face?’

  ‘You know that I love you right?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And that I’d never do anything to intentionally hurt you right?’

  ‘Yes,’ she frowned.

  ‘Well I need to tell you something and I don’t think you’re going to be happy to start with and ….’ I blew out a breath and grabbed my wine and drained it in one go.

  ‘O my God, you borrowed Orgie and broke him didn’t you?’ she uttered.

  ‘What?!’

  ‘My favourite vibrator. Don’t you have enough of your own?’

  ‘I haven’t touched your vibrator thank you very much. I have plenty of my own without resorting to a used one.’

  ‘No way, you couldn’t have found it,’ she gasped.

  ‘Found what?’

  ‘My secret Jelly Belly stash, it took me forever to find a hiding place for them.’

  ‘I’ve not been looking for your Jelly Belly stash Lex. Hang on a minute, you hide your Jelly Belly’s to stop your best friend finding them?’

  ‘You always go for my favourites and I end up left with shitty liquorice or grapefruit.’

  ‘O thanks a lot, so I’m not worthy of eating your Juicy Pears?’

  ‘Ha-ha, you so want lesbian sex with me, you’re dreaming of my Juicy Pears.’

  ‘I’m not dreaming of lesbian sex with anyone thank you, let alone with you Clarke. Besides, by your own self-admission you have no Juicy Pairs, unlike me. A lesbian looking for your tits would come up with a face on her like she’d just scoffed an entire kilo of Sour mix.’

  ‘Take that back you evil cow,’ she gasped and grabbed her glass of wine and threw it over me laughing.

  ‘Lexi!’ I spluttered as I pushed my wet hair back from my face in disbelief and she just smirked at me. ‘O you’re so asking for it now,’ I growled as I grabbed a tea towel and watched her face change from amusement to horror.

  ‘No,’ she screamed and ran for the hall. I chased after her and did a circuit around the lounge before she dived into my old bedroom and ran around the other side of the bed.

  ‘No way out Clarke, surrender and accept your punishment,’ I demanded.

  ‘No way, that tea towel hurts,’ she whined.

  ‘Should of thought of that before wasting good Zinfandel on me,’ I scowled.

  ‘Good Zinfandel? Please, this is me. That was a cheap bottle, you don’t deserve the good stuff after insulting my lack of tits,’ she chuckled as I gasped.

  ‘I hadn’t insulted your tits when you opened that bottle. So not only am I not allowed access to your Jelly Belly’s, but you also keep the good bottles of wine to yourself? You … tight arsed … beanpole.’

  ‘Wash your mouth out with soap. You know I hate being called that.’

  ‘I hate my best friend holding out on me. You’ll tell me you have Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer next, after I asked for some last night.’ I watched her face flush. ‘NO!’

  ‘It’s not like you couldn’t have gone to buy some yourself.’

  ‘I was in the middle of sex with Gabe, with him handcuffed to the headboard. It was to tease him with, I didn’t have time to get dressed and run out and leave him cuffed for half an hour. What if there’d been a fire?’

  ‘You could have undone his cuffs befo
re you went.’

  ‘Yeah right. How little you know Gabe. Mr Control Freak doesn’t like giving up his control, do you have any idea what it took for me to get him cuffed in the first place? It’s the first time I’ve managed to restrain him since New York, no way was I letting him out of those cuffs.’

  ‘Well no way were you wasting my perfectly good ice cream on Gabe’s body.’

  ‘O trust me, it wouldn’t have been wasted, I’d have licked off every single drop.’

  ‘Ewwww stop, you’re grossing me out now,’ she laughed. ‘Maybe they should come up with an appropriately named flavour for woman to eat off men, I mean men have Phish Food to eat out of women.’

  ‘Now that’s gross,’ I laughed, ‘but yes, they could have … Cock Rising for us.’

  ‘Enough of the food and sex talk or I’ll need to get Orgie out and you moved all the decent rechargeable batteries next door.’

  ‘I needed them.’

  ‘You have Gabe, I’m a single sex starved poor bar tender.’

  ‘Sex starved my arse. You’re fucking Dan, Sam when he’s in the UK and don’t think I hadn’t seen you sneaking off to the store room at Peppers with Kellan.’

  ‘You have the eyes of a … a … mole,’ she exclaimed and I burst out laughing.

  ‘Moles are blind Lexi.’

  ‘No they’re not.’

  ‘Yes they are.’

  ‘Well how do they see in all those underground tunnels? I figured they must have really good eyesight.’

  ‘Well they don’t.’

  ‘So what has really good eyesight,’ she demanded with her hands on her hips.

  ‘Well I would say a Hawk as that’s where the expression comes from.’

  ‘What expression?’

  ‘Eyes like a Hawk,’ I laughed.

  ‘O sod off Miss know it all,’ she glared.

  ‘I’m not Miss “know it all” just sometimes you’re Miss I make stupid comments or Miss I ask stupid questions.’

  ‘If I make it out of here you’re getting the whole bottle of wine poured on your head. I don’t ask stupid questions.’

  ‘Really.’ I uttered.

  ‘Name one,’ she challenged.

  ‘O I can name three off the top of my head. “Mia what are those shoes that horses wear called?” then there was “how can a grape be sharp when it’s round” and my all-time favourite about Mum’s antique walnut writing desk in the hall, “How do they make that big desk out of all the little walnuts”’ I laughed.

  She took me by surprise and leapt up onto my old mattress and tried to make it to the door, but I flicked the tea towel and caught her right on the backside making her scream. She grabbed a pillow and started smacking me over the head as I tried to flick her again and I fell on the bed laughing and covering my head as she towered over me raining down blows until the pillow split and feathers flew out everywhere. I closed my eyes and tried to spit them out of my mouth, while protecting my head from the blows, until I realised they weren’t coming anymore. I lowered my arms and opened my eyes and shrieked as I saw her tip a bottle and empty it all over my head.

  ‘Take that Page, see why I only buy cheap Zinfandel.’

  ‘Lexi,’ I howled with tears of laughter pouring down my face. I was sticky and soaked and covered in feathers. She burst out laughing and collapsed on the bed next to me as I tried to push my wet fringe out of my eyes.

  ‘Serves you right, I have a big welt on my backside and I don’t have any sexy padding like you. Christ you smell just like my mum did every morning,’ she grinned at me. I gulped as the reason for my worry earlier caught up with me. It was now or never.

  ‘I found your Dad,’ I stated as I looked at her. She blinked a few times as she stared back at me. ‘Did you hear me? I found your Dad Lexi.’ I reached into the back pocket of my denim shorts and pulled out the front page of the report that the PI had done for me, with all Mr Clarke’s contact details, and held it out to her. I watched confused as her eyes filled up and she sat up, ignoring it. ‘Lexi?’ I sat up and touched her shoulder and she shrugged me off.

  ‘I’m not in the mood for films. I want you to go,’ she said quietly and I winced. I’d steeled myself for a bad reaction, but that hurt.

  ‘He doesn’t know where you are, I decided not to contact him. I just wanted to find him for you so you had the choice if you did want to speak to him. I’m sorry if I’ve upset you. I love you and just want the best for you. You know where I am if you need me.’ I kissed the top of her head. I knew her well enough to know she needed time on her own to process this. She’d come to me and talk when she was ready. ‘His contact information is on the bed and I have a full report if you ever want to see it. I won’t deadbolt our door tonight in case you need to come in ok?’

  I detected a slight nod from her and sighed. I kissed her temple and got up and headed back to mine, quietly closing her front door behind me. I walked into our apartment to find Doug and Gabe playing pool and they both looked at me astonished and burst out laughing.

  ‘O baby, what the hell happened? You look like a feathered mascot.’

  ‘That bad?’ I asked as I stood in my soaked black vest top and spat another feather off my lip.

  ‘That bad,’ nodded Doug as he continued to laugh.

  ‘Take it telling her didn’t go down too well?’ Gabe asked as he set his pool cue down.

  ‘O this was before I told her. We were play fighting and she split a pillow on me then poured a bottle of Zinfandel over my head.’

  ‘Why do I always miss the hot stuff,’ groaned Doug as I blew another feather away.

  ‘Come on baby, you stink, go and get in the shower then you can come and fill us in.’

  ‘I’ll go and leave you to it.’ Doug advised.

  ‘No don’t Doug. I’ve ruined your boys night by coming back early. Stay, I’ll go and have a shower, then order a pizza. I have a load of reading to do for English so you’re not in the way.’

  ‘Pizza?’ his eyes lit up and Gabe shook his head.

  ‘I give up with you two. Go and get in the shower, I’ll order pizza all around.’

  ‘Will you order Lexi one as well. I know she won’t bother cooking when she’s feeling miserable, so I can sneak in and put it on the hall table and text her to tell her.’

  ‘You’re so sweet. Is she ok?’

  ‘She will be. She needed some alone time.’ I pursed my lips for a kiss and he shook his head laughing.

  ‘No way. Shower. Now.’

  I was mortified when I got in there and saw the state of me, I had feathers all through my hair and stuck all over my vest. I chuckled before blowing out a deep breath and hoping she was ok in there. I picked the feathers off and hopped in the shower, scrubbing really hard to get the stickiness of the wine off my skin and out of my hair. We’d had a really hot day, so I threw on a pair of white jersey shorts and a clean black vest top and made sure the sash windows were as open as I could get them to let a breeze into the bedroom.

  ‘Perfect timing,’ grinned Doug as he carried the four pizza boxes over to the dining table. I searched for Lexi’s meat feast cheese stuffed crust and headed across the landing and quietly opened her door. I tiptoed in and put the pizza box on the hall table. I couldn’t hear a sound, so at least she wasn’t crying. I crept back out and the boys were already at the table eating as I grabbed my phone and joined them.

  There’s a pizza on your hall table. I know you like to eat when you’re upset. I’m here if you need me, anytime. Love you Lexi xxx

  We were halfway through eating when I heard a phone buzz and I quickly dropped my slice and grabbed my phone, disappointed to see she hadn’t replied. I looked up as I heard Doug grunt in surprise and saw he was texting on his phone as he closed his pizza box.

  ‘You ok Doug? Not like you to leave pizza.’

  ‘I’m fine I need to … shit,’ he went red as he looked at me.

  ‘She text you?’ I whispered as I realised why he was embarrassed. I
t felt like a sword through my chest when he nodded.

  ‘Sorry Mia, I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything, I mean we’re not even together anymore, you’re her best friend.’

  I attempted a smile and nodded, pushed my pizza box back, headed to the bedroom and shut the door. I slid down it and sat on the floor as I started crying. She’d never asked for someone else when she was hurting, it was always me. I jumped as the sliding door to the dressing room opened and Gabe walked over. He slid his arms under my legs and an arm around my back and hoisted me up into his arms. He carried me into the lounge and sat in the armchair as I cried on his shoulder and he stroked my back, not saying a word and I loved him even more for knowing that I wasn’t ready. We sat in silence until my tears dried and he tilted my head back and kissed the tip of my nose.

  ‘She’ll come around.’

  ‘What if I really screwed up Gabe?’

  ‘We talked about this baby, you didn’t force a meeting and he doesn’t know that she has the means to contact him. It can all be ignored if she doesn’t want to deal with it.’

  ‘I don’t understand why she’d want Doug over me though.’

  ‘Maybe she needed someone neutral. When you were upset about your meeting with Richard you didn’t call her, you called me,’ he reminded me as he ran his nose up and down mine.

  ‘I guess,’ I sighed. Gabe was right, I’d expected Lexi to share me with Gabe, how could I begrudge her wanting to share parts of her life with someone else, someone I knew she still loved, even if she wouldn’t admit it. ‘Can we talk about something else, to take my mind off it?’

  ‘Sure, what do you want to talk about?’ he asked as he wiped under my eyes for me.

  ‘Me working.’

  ‘I know you miss your dancing and I’m sorry baby, but it wasn’t safe for you there. The club was in a rough part of town and there wasn’t enough security to deal with any trouble. I should never have agreed to let you start in the first place and I can’t believe it took bloody Milo to make me see sense. Plus now these campus murders are escalating, I need you as safe as possible.’

  ‘I know that but I need to work Gabe.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Why do people tend to work? To earn money.’