Starving the Monkeys: Fight Back Smarter

by Tom Baugh

  This sounds a lot like:

  "You think that the solid rocket booster o-rings might fail if we launch the shuttle in cold weather. But you can't prove that the o-rings will fail below X degrees, can you?"

  Monkey management is also wary that if enough emails and memos exist, and something does go wrong, then it looks bad for them. From their perspective, it seems unfair that each action and decision of theirs is archived for later hindsight review. "People are imperfect creatures," they lament, "Look closely at the daily activities of anyone and you can find enough mistakes to paint an unfair picture of that person."

  "Why doesn't Bob just shut up and do his job?" they wonder.

  The reaction of Bob's subconscious mind will be to recognize management itself as first a source of humor, and eventually, a threat to his ability to provide for himself. He will respond to humor about dorky bosses, or put up little cartoons. This, in turn, flags him, subconsciously, to management as a trouble-maker. Bob's peers, who may be monkeys themselves, misinterpret Bob's justified reaction to his specific situation as a judgment against management in general, and so even the good managers suffer an undeserved loss of respect.

  Ultimately, if Bob exercises this option enough times, he will eventually be fired, using techniques similar to those about to be explained for the next option. You might model this situation as a candle representing Bob's employability at that company. Each time he protests to monkey management about shortchanging quality, he burns a little bit of that candle. Each time he puts his protests in writing, monkey management cuts some off the bottom of the candle.

  Eventually, the candle is gone. The question is really, then, whether Bob is ready when it is exhausted.

  Stand His Ground and Be Replaced Bob could just say no. Sounds so easy, doesn't it? We're all taught from an early age that a man should just stand his ground. This from people who have probably never tried it in the real world, and by people who would go ballistic if you tried it with them. It could just be that the platitude to "stand your ground" is a mechanism evolved by the collective to recognize the individualists, and thus single them out for later processing and disposal.

  All of the bad stuff in the previous option now accelerates. The first time Bob stands his ground he may just be assigned to another team or department. Shuffling problem employees like Bob around is the timehonored way for large organizations to avoid self-examination. At some point, though, Bob will have been shuffled around all the hands. The last hand at the table has to now find the ultimate solution to the Bob question.

  Fortunately, Monkey Salesman A, or some similar figure, is there to help. This approach has to be done just as soon as it is determined that Bob is going to stand his ground. The sooner he can be replaced, the less likely that Bob's subconscious mind will have figured out the shortcoming in Material Z. Otherwise, Bob might then have time to better document the hazards of using this material.

  "You know, Boss, I know Bob is a great guy, and he has lots of experience. But technology changes, and sometimes these older guys just don't understand the newer materials which are available now," offers Monkey Salesman A.

  "I know, but new kids coming out of college are hardly any better," laments Monkey Boss.

  "You are right, most of them aren't, if they haven't been specifically trained in using these materials. But, did you know that the Monkey Plastic Council has been endowing a university in Bangalore to work specifically with these new materials? These kids are just about the best in the world with understanding them," he offers.

  "Hmmm, that does sound good. But, I don't know, we've got so much invested in Bob, I don't know if I have time to train his replacement," wonders Monkey Boss aloud.

  "That's the great thing about these kids, you don't have to train them. We've had them working in design shops already, they are essentially already experienced in the workplace environment. I think they will blow you away," Monkey Salesman A reassures him.

  "Oh, I just remembered, I brought some resumes with me that I had intended to drop off this afternoon with Freezeco. I don't think they will mind if you get a first peek at these kids," he lies conspiratorially with a wink.

  As Monkey Boss flips through the resumes he sees pictures of eager little faces who stand in stark contrast to the lost thoughtfulness which Bob often skulks around with. As Monkey Boss is lost in his meat catalog, Salesman A reminds him, "And plus, with the H-1B visa, these kids aren't as likely to get in the way. Bob can just run off and get a job somewhere else, but these kids go back to India if you fire them."

  Nudging his contemplative customer, he adds, only half-jokingly, "Cheap, captive and agreeable labor. Probably just about the closest to slaves you are ever going to get in this country. With these kids slugging away getting it done, which leaves more time for you at Monkey Pines!"

  Sold. And instead of these kids showing up in chains at a New England slave market, to be sold by auctioneers with elitist brogues, they alight from a 747. Reaching our shores, they are eager to serve. Many will integrate and become great additions to our economy and culture. But some arrive ready to infect our culture with a racist and classist ethic of such deep intensity that it would make a KKK Grand Imperial Wizard or a Black Panther blush with shame.

  So then, what exactly is the method of Bob's termination? Simple. While the HR department is processing Wabu's H-1B visa, Monkey Boss documents every thing he does. Look closely at the daily habits of anyone, and you will find much to criticize.

  "Bob is often not at his desk, and makes numerous visits to the water cooler and restroom each day. I have counseled him about this behavior, but his reaction to this was barely concealed agitation."

  "When given assignments, Bob generally accepts them with grace. But, when supervising him, he seems aggravated at the intrusion. Also, Bob occasionally snaps at coworkers. When challenged about this behavior, he insists that their conversations are 'pointless and annoying.' He has asked about being assigned a private office, but I don't think that it is in the best interest of the company to reward his behavior in this fashion. I directed him to simply focus on his own work for a while before we could even consider such a request."

  "Bob's performance on the icemaker project remains at a standstill. He insists that the materials which were selected, from a list of materials he himself recommended, are somehow inadequate. But, he continues to fail to show, using accepted engineering principles, any specific or provable inadequacy."

  "Today I counseled him on the icemaker project, and suggested that instead of writing so many memos, he should simply start implementing the design which he had proposed before. I think he is writing so many memos to cover the fact that he is unsure about how to proceed."

  "Wabu arrived today. I assigned him to the cubicle next to Bob, and introduced the two. Bob seemed aggravated and out of sorts. This state-ofmind worsened as he, Wabu and I had a design meeting this afternoon. Wabu seemed eager to get started, while Bob merely pummeled him with questions which I thought seemed unfair."

  "The relationship between Bob and Wabu seems even more strained. While the rest of the staff has welcomed Wabu, Bob seems resentful at the intrusion on what he clearly sees as 'his' design."

  "Today I formally transferred control of the icemaker design to Wabu. I told Bob that he was to perform the role of 'senior consultant' to help Wabu understand the background of the icemaker project."

  "Today Monkey Salesman A visited and sat in on a design meeting. The interaction between Wabu and Monkey Salesman A was animated and productive. However, Bob seemed sullen and withdrawn, only offering input when specifically asked, and then after uncomfortable pauses and with as few words as possible. For example, when asked a question about the shear strength of the ice scraper, he sat there for a long moment and said nothing. When prompted again, he said, sullenly, 'I'm thinking.' I am not sure how much value he is providing to this project any more."

  "I have become concerned that Bob is becoming emotionally un
stable. I referred him to HR counseling for his attitude. At this announcement he exploded and incredulously asked 'What the f***?' I immediately contacted the division head and discussed the problem with her. She agreed that this sort of language was unprofessional and not to be tolerated. She then called some of the floor employees around Bob's cubicle and most agreed that he did seem 'odd'."

  "Today I met with the HR Director and asked that we terminate Bob's employment. The director agreed and told me that security would escort Bob out as soon as he returned from lunch. An HR representative was sent this morning to put Bob's personal effects in a carton. While doing so, she found several photos of Bob when he was in the military, along with a sportsmen's magazine which contained numerous advertisements for guns and knives. The HR Director then referred this information to the County Sheriff's office for file."

  And when Bob applies for another job? The prospective employer will call and ask for a verification of employment. The response? "Bob was employed here from this date to that date." Click. And into the trash can goes Bob's application. For no one has value unless someone else says you do. Everyone knows that.

  Take Another Job At some point in any of the above processes, Bob may eventually have had enough of this nonsense to encourage him to quit and take another job elsewhere. Assuming that the job market isn't flooded with so many H-1B slaves that he can find a job at all.

  But then what? Just more of the same. It doesn't matter where Bob, the thinker, turns, all potential employers are playing versions of the same game, and at different levels of intensity. The critical mass required of any company today, at least of any which is likely to be of a size to be able to make an icemaker, imposes the same restrictions on thought and innovation.

  And besides, if one company made a refrigerator which lasted more than two years, then what? Too few people would buy it, because it would cost twenty-percent more, and that is suicidal in the monkey-based market. Besides, look at all the jobs being created to replace all those broken refrigerators. Jobs in China, of course, but who's counting?

  Start His Own Business We'll talk about this option in the next chapter. Don't think, by the way, that any of these options would turn out differently if Bob had a better manager. As long as there is one monkey in the chain, he can render impotent, and eliminate, any thinkers below him. Bob's manager would then face the same dilemma as Bob, only to cave or be replaced, and then the dilemma would fall back to Bob as before.

  As I mentioned earlier, these issues aren't confined to a specific industry. They are instead universal to all of our modern collectives. Construction

  In a construction crew, the workers who shape the land are the high value idea workers, as are the architects and civil engineers who plan their work. As we drive down a modern highway, we are blissfully unaware of the intellect which was required to give us a smooth ride which we take for granted. And which brings us our food.

  Each cubic foot of earth and clay and gravel and aggregate and asphalt and concrete had to be planned and placed and shaped and smoothed by a thinker. A modern road contains layers which few of us ever even know are there, each of which serves its intended purpose. The orchestrated effort of all of this is to do one simple thing.

  Remove water. You see, we don't drive on a road. We drive on a road which doesn't have water in it, or underneath it. Without the influence of water, we could drive on a hard-packed dirt road which would last decades with very little maintenance, other than perhaps scraping off the washboard which would form with heavy, high-speed use. Some unimproved roads in desert areas, assuming the right soil type, need hardly any work at all. Let the rain fall on that road, and run one vehicle over it, and it turns into a goopy mess. This goopy mess then dries into something which is less like a road than it was before. Shockingly few cycles of this are required to render that road undriveable.

  All of those layers in the road, and the ditches and the embankments, and the drainage ditches and the slope of the road itself, all of this exists just to get rid of the water. For some roads, even the asphalt on top serves merely to keep the water off of the stack of stuff underneath. That thin layer of asphalt merely sheds the water to the side before it has time to soak in and ruin the real road underneath.

  And all of that gets shaped by a mind. The individual who sits in the excavator is an artist. The dirt and gravel are his paints, the hydraulic arm and bucket his brush, and the face of the earth itself is his canvas. And it takes years of experience to develop that artistic skill. Doubt me? Try it.

  Don't be fooled by the very short time he spends in school just learning how to safely operate the equipment. That is only the start. And don't be fooled by the hordes of people standing around watching him work. Those workers are paid by the virtue of the collective, whether by regulation or by union, in order to provide more jobs.

  This creative individual has seen many different variations in the hundreds or thousands of miles he has shaped. And so, as he sits in the cab of his excavator, or front-end loader, or backhoe or dump truck, when something isn't just right, he knows it.

  Maybe the foundation he is shaping for this bridge feels different. Or the material being used isn't the right grade. Or the slopes are all wrong. Like Bob, then, this individual, let's call him Jim, faces a dilemma. It is easier for Jim to just be quiet, and dig away, but not for his foreman or supervisor, who has to sign off on the work. Or for the civil engineer who has to do the same. Either way, Jim faces the team player insult should he step out of line:

  "Why is it that guys like you are never team players? You know, if guys like you, who think you know more than you do, had gone to college then you might have learned to work well with others."

  Shut up and fall into line? That's the easy choice, unless you have a conscience.

  Document and then fall into line? Unlike Bob, Jim doesn't work with paper and email every day, so that one is just awkward. It is this lack of access to documentation which causes idea workers among the tradesmen to turn instead to unions to protect them. But even that collective dilutes his ability and passes out the largess of his work to the monkeys around him.

  Stand his ground and get fired? There are plenty of day-worker slaves waiting to take Jim's place. Which explains why the collective isn't all that keen on getting rid of the slave classes, no matter what hubbub they might say to the contrary. Again, the union steps in, pretending to protect the worker as it systematically destroys his job.

  Quit and work elsewhere? What's the point? Like Bob's company, the entire industry, by regulation and collectivized union fiat, is more or less uniform.

  Quit and start his own business? Maybe, assuming Jim can afford the equipment and hire all that union and regulator staff to stand around and watch him work. He might be able to subcontract himself to the big boys, but then he's right back where he started, isn't he? In the worst irony of all, the union blocks his participation as his own man, effectively enslaving every union member who might aspire to independence.

  This doesn't have to be just road construction, either. Thinkers in any industry face exactly this same dilemma all the time. And like the refrigerator industry, each industry which has reached the point where power is consolidated in the collective reaps the same benefits. A failing icemaker allows more refrigerators, replacement parts and maintenance to be sold, in turn providing jobs. Similarly, a road which fails prematurely or a bridge which develops cracks simply creates more work for the big boys to bid on, and jobs for the stand-arounds and slaves to do.

  Tax Preparation In a tax preparation firm, no one is a high value idea worker, no matter how skilled, or helpful or aggressive at finding deductions. All this firm can do for anyone is block the bricks which are being thrown at their customers by artificial sources created for the benefit of the monkey collective.

  Machining In a machine shop, the workers who take the metal and cut, shape and weld it into the proper form are high value idea workers. Like Bob, the engineer, or Jim
, the excavator operator, each thinker in this industry faces the same dilemmas, with the additional tradesman restrictions caused by the unionization of the workforce nationwide. And the same regulated high cost of entry if they wanted to start their own businesses.

  Restaurants At a restaurant, the buyer who purchases the materials are high value idea workers. Along with the cooks who prepare the food, the waitresses who entertain and comfort the diners and the guys who clean up the dishes and wash them. Each of these contributes to the experience being purchased by the diner. Fortunately, restaurants are such necessarily compact units of functionality, dotted here and there throughout the landscape, that it is tougher for the collective to sink their teeth in. Right?

  Sort of. Unfortunately, the same workplace regulations which all employers face, and the raft of additional regulations specific to the food industry, mean that small Mom-and-Pop restaurants are rare. These small operations can generally only thrive in out-of-the-way places which the chains choose to ignore. There are independent restaurants in thickly populated areas, of course. But almost without exception the regulatory costs are reflected in these independents typically being pricey boutiques, rather than the traditional Sunday afternoon "Grandma's Place" kind of thing.

  Accordingly, it is impractical, but not impossible, to start your own business in the food industry. As many a budding chef with great ideas has found to his dismay.

  Dentistry In a dental office, the hygienist who cleans your teeth and screens for more serious problems, as well as the dentist who repairs these problems, are high value idea workers. It may appear at first that these workers merely remove sources of -ΔQ. But keep in mind that these negative issues, such as gingivitis or decay, are features of nature, rather than an act of the monkey collective to extract unearned value. Similarly, the restaurant worker removes the -ΔQ of hunger, while the tailor removes the -ΔQ of lacking clothes. In all cases, dentist, chef, or tailor, the customer leaves their shops in better circumstances than nature allowed them before.