by Tori Alvarez
“Sorry. We gotta go.” I turn to walk back to the table.
“What?”
I get to the table with her hot on my heels.
“Let’s go, Juan.” I motion for the door. He nods at me, walking to a table of ranch hands. One follows us out to drive us home.
Sitting in bed, willing the room to stop spinning, I scroll through my old texts with Toni. We had just turned a page, and the formal planning texts had become fun with a teasing quality. Why would she have made this change if she was just going to date someone else? I type out a message.
I miss you
I never meant to send it, but the knock on my bedroom door startled me and I hit the send button. Shit.
“Are you home yet?” My dad’s voice comes from the other side of the door.
“Yes, sir.”
“Good.” I hear his footsteps going down the hall.
Chapter 16
Hurting
Toni
I miss you
Three words. Just three words that can gut you to the core. He sent it after midnight. Drunk text? What’s the saying…children and drunks are the only honest people. I miss him too. But I can’t explain my life to him. He’s good. Too good for me. At least, right now he is. Asking him to wait around on the weekends as I flirt at the club to make money is a gigantic no-no.
Those three words have me spiraling through the few weeks of memories I had with him. He’s so unlike anyone I’ve spent time with. He’s generous, kind, patient, and he never expected anything.
Even that description does not do him justice. People can be generous and kind. But he was different. He was generous without being flashy. All I know is he was comfortable enough to be able to do things without worry, and if he did worry, he did not show it. His only concern was making sure I knew he had me. And his kindness was pure. Many people are kind for what it will get them in return, but he never expected anything. He was—or is—an anomaly.
I want so badly to text him to come over. The feeling of nothing being able to touch me while I’m wrapped in his arms is what I want again. His gentleness. His calmness. His humor. His smile. That dimple. That damn dimple that pulls me into him.
I miss you too…come over?
I type out the words, wanting so much to be able to send them.
Garrett
The crushing pressure in my head I knew was coming wakes me. As much as I dislike hangovers, I hate the feeling of missing her even more. The alcohol numbs it—at least for now. I roll over on my back and feel my phone at my shoulder. I swipe the screen, and the text I sent her is staring right at me.
Why did I even type out those words? I can’t erase or delete that damn message. My only hope is that she deletes it before reading it. Just as I am about to close and delete the whole damn thread, the typing bubble comes up. She’s responding?
I wait, staring at that bubble like my life depends on it. It is there for what seems like several minutes, then disappears and no text. She saw it. She wants to respond, but decided against it.
Fuck. I drop my phone back on the bed and decide breakfast and driving back to the city is what needs to be done.
Toni
I hit backspace until all those words are erased. It may be how I feel, but I should not be feeling this way. What has my mother taught me? Why am I letting some guy turn me into a weak bitch? No, that life is not for me. No man will have me begging, saying I miss him. I’ve seen the life where that road leads, and I have no desire to pine for someone only to be left at the end.
He may be a unicorn, but he still has the ability to hurt me. They all do. I have to stay in control.
Even as I say these words, I don’t believe them. I want him. But my life is too jaded and screwed up for his white picket fence. My only consolation is he misses me, too.
It is useless trying to study today. I can’t focus. Looks like today is turning into a laundry day. I roll out of bed to begin collecting my laundry, which is strewn all over, and head to Guela’s house. It may take me all day, but at least I can treat her to lunch.
I have not bothered picking up my things since the day Garrett came to my door. This is not my normal. Today, I get myself back together. I will not turn into my mom. I grab all the clothes from the bathroom and toss them into a heap on the floor by my bed. I walk around, continuing to grab and toss. I’m going to be there all day by the looks of the pile. I shove clothes into a large laundry sack. I grab the last item that is peeking out from under the bed.
One of his shirts. I have had one of his shirts this whole time, and I didn’t know. I bring it up to my nose and inhale. His scent is barely noticeable anymore. At least I have this.
“Hey, Guela!” I exclaim as I walk into the house, laundry in tow.
“She’s not here,” Javie informs me from the couch, remote in hand.
“Where is she?” I drag the bag through the living room.
“She got an extra house to clean. She left early this morning. She should be back soon.”
“She shouldn’t be cleaning more houses.” I turn back, hearing this.
“I know. But with the mess with your mom, she didn’t want you to have to cover it all. She worked last Sunday, too.”
“What the fuck? Why didn’t you or Alex stop her?” My anger is building.
He lets out a huff before responding. “Yeah. You try stopping Guela from doing what she insists on doing.”
I shake my head, defeated, knowing their interference would have done no good. My grandmother is headstrong.
“Sorry. I know,” I apologize. “I’m just pissed at my mom for putting us in this situation.”
“No biggie.” He turns back to whatever he was watching.
I place the first load in and sit at the kitchen table, phone in hand, waiting for her to get home. I scroll social media, stalking him. He hasn’t posted anything for a couple of weeks, since we went out the last time. If he doesn’t post, there’s nothing to stalk.
With nothing to do but wait, I make my way to the couch and lie down and place my head on a pillow on Javie’s lap.
“Miss him, don’t you?” Javie’s question surprises me.
“Uh…how?” I respond.
“Alex told me.”
I turn around to look at him. His eyes are sad. I nod in the affirmative.
“I’m sorry it couldn’t work out.” He looks up to the screen again. I turn around and close my eyes, wanting to sleep away the emptiness he left.
Back at the apartment, I pull Garrett’s shirt out of my laundry basket. I take off my clothes and pull it over my head and hug it to my body. This is all I have left. It’s possible to have normal. Just not yet.
Chapter 17
Not anymore
Garrett
I was so curious what she had typed out but never sent. The whole week was consumed with thoughts of the text bubble and all responses it could have been. My mind has given me everything from “Fuck off” to “I miss you too” and everything in between.
Waiting on an Uber was not in my plans tonight, but avoiding the frat brothers the last two weeks has not gone over too well. David talked me into meeting them. He said it will be a tame evening, the guys bringing their girlfriends and some of their friends.
I walk into a bar we rarely frequent due to its location, but I figure it is the safest option. I don’t want to run into Toni by accident—at least, not yet. It’s still too fresh. I don’t know if I could hold a drunken tongue.
Walking in, I see the guys already have a table with pitchers of beer in the center. Knowing a beer isn’t going to do the trick, I stop at the bar and order a tequila shot. I tip my head back, enjoying the liquid heat. Moving my way to the table, I greet everyone as a beer is handed to me. I tip it back, taking long gulps until half is gone.
“It’s going to be one of those nights?” David asks.
“Nah. It was a long one last weekend at the ranch. All work no play,” I fib about the time away.
&nb
sp; The beer, conversation, and laughs continue to flow easily. I sit next to a friend of David’s girl, Amy. She is easy on the eyes, funny, intelligent, and doesn’t throw herself at me. Not that I want anything from her, but at least I’m not having to turn her down in front of the guys and having to explain why. Harmless, friendly flirting feels good.
“I’ll be back,” I excuse myself to the bathroom.
Standing up, I meet her eyes. Am I seeing sadness? We stand like this for several moments until Amy notices I haven’t left and pats my ass.
“I thought you were going to the bathroom.” I break eye contact with Toni to look down at her.
“I am.” I look back to where Toni was standing, and she is gone. I scan the bar with no sight of her.
I move quickly, wanting to find her. I cannot find her anywhere around the bar. I walk outside and see her driving away in Lola’s truck. She drove away. Was she hurt? Why would she be hurt?
Toni
“Not tonight. I can’t right now,” I tell Lola as she drops me off in front of my building. I don’t want to talk about him. Not now. Not ever.
How could I let Lola talk me into going out tonight? I knew it was a bad idea. I told her so, but she’s so persistent. As soon as we walked in the bar, I heard his booming laugh. His uninhibited one. The one that told me he was comfortable and really enjoying himself. That laugh. That laugh was being shared with another girl. Some perfect little sorority girl, no doubt.
A wreck I couldn’t pry my eyes away from. His arm draped over the back of her chair. That small protective gesture. The one I came to crave. His leaning into what she was saying and his dimple on display with a mischievous smirk.
I was glued to the floor when he stood up and saw me. I couldn’t move. I wished for him to walk to me, but he didn’t. He was shocked I saw him. Caught him. But I didn’t catch him. He was free to do whatever his heart desired. And then she patted his ass. My heart dropped into my stomach, and I knew I couldn’t handle any more. I wanted to go southside on her, yet I had no right to.
All that could have been mine. But it wasn’t, isn’t, and never will be.
Garrett
I exit the men’s room and walk straight to the bar. Tequila is a necessity right now. After ordering, I take out my phone to text her. I stare at the last text sent, my fingers hovering over the keys.
“Don’t do it, man. It’s not worth it. Told you before, tell you again, she ain’t worth the trouble.” Kevin is by my side. He grabs the tequila the bartender left in front of me and shoots it back. He nods in her direction, lifting the glass and putting two fingers up.
I place my phone back in my pocket, knowing Kevin will not let this one go. She places two more glasses in front of us. He grabs his, clinks it against mine, and shoots it back like the first.
“She’s a wild one. There is no taming a girl like that,” he continues. A couple of whiskeys are placed in front of us.
“How do you know?” I challenge, the couple shots and plenty of beer I’ve had this evening boosting my bravado.
“I just know. No need going into specifics now.” He shakes his head. “Just thank me and move along.”
“Fuck that, man. You can’t give me cryptic crap and expect me to buy it. Fuck you!” My anger is rising at his description of her. I can’t tell if I’m mad because she fooled me or because I want to protect her. I just want to hit something, and punching the hell out of Kevin is sounding more and more like a good idea.
“Look.” He places his hands in front of him in surrender. “I’ll tell you tomorrow. I’ll pick you up tomorrow and show you. Deal?”
I’ve never been the one to start shit. I keep to myself, not getting involved in the politics of the house or other people’s shit, so Kevin adding his two cents in my life is not going over well.
What choice do I have? “Fine,” I concede before downing the rest of the drink in one gulp. “I gotta go.”
“I’ll take you,” he offers.
“Nah.” I shake my head at him, pulling my phone out to schedule an Uber.
Toni
I get in my car, needing to get away, and the only safe place to head is back to the south side. This is the only place I don’t need to hide who I am. My past is in this place. Here, I can do whatever I need to survive and no one blinks an eye.
Where’s the party? I text Amelia, my south side savior.
I’m at Leo’s. But Alex is here. She responds right away.
Heading your way
Alex may be pissed I’m back, but he does not have a leg to stand on now. I’m back because I have to be. I can’t pretend to fit in when I’m still too busy hiding who I am. He can’t expect that of me now.
Tears that used to be so foreign to me but lately have been making an appearance more often begin to escape. I have no claim to him, yet I want it. I let him think I am dating someone. How hypocritical of me to expect him to stay home, pining away. I thought I hurt him, but maybe it was what I wanted to see. Not what was really there. I park and turn on the interior lights to check my makeup. No one will see me break.
As I walk up the sidewalk to the small, rundown home, Amelia is sitting on the front steps, a beer in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. She motions for me to sit next to her and hands me the beer.
“What happened?” she begins. “And no shitting me anymore,” she adds before I have a chance to open my mouth.
I take a long pull of her beer, finishing it. “I let a guy get to me.”
Her eyes widen at my confession. She stares at me in disbelief. “The unattainable Toni got caught?” She sounds skeptical.
“He didn’t know he caught me.” I grab the cigarette from her hand. “Where’s Alex?”
“Inside. I sat out here, waiting for you, in case you didn’t want to run into him. We can get out of here if you want.”
“Nah.” I stand to find Alex. “I need to find him. Meet me in the back.”
“Are you sure?” She knows what I’m going to get from Alex.
“Yes.” I scan the crowd as I walk through.
All the usuals are standing around, drinks in hand. A few different couples, but the faces still the same. No one new. No one leaves. As much as you try to push yourself away, this place has a way of pulling you right back. It never lets you forget just who you are and where you came from.
“I need one.” I put my arm through Alex’s, placing my head on his shoulder.
“Nuh-uh. Not going to happen, Toni.” He looks down at me as I look up at him. He knows. He can tell. I may be able to mask everything from everyone else, but he can see right through it. He places his hand in his pocket and pulls out an Altoids box. He opens it and grabs a single joint out. He holds it up to me. “Hand me your car keys.”
I roll my eyes at him. “This isn’t my first rodeo.”
“It may not be, but you are almost out. I’ll be damned if a stupid driving under the influence ticket brings you back.” He holds firm.
“Fine.” I slap my keys in his hand before he offers me my relief.
“And I’m driving you home. You are staying at Guela’s. None of this shit staying at Amelia’s,” he adds before I can walk away.
I look back at him, shaking my head. He nods and walks away. He knows I’ll listen and come to him when I’m ready to leave. I’ve never crossed him. I can’t. He’d give up an organ for me.
I meet Amelia in the back, grabbing the lighter out of her hand.
“That bad, huh?” she asks as I take my first drag in years.
“Um-uh,” I mumble out, holding the smoke, nodding my head. She watches me because I still haven’t passed it along. Her curiosity is evident, but she’s waiting for me. I exhale everything I was holding. “I don’t even know how it happened.”
She raises a brow. “No, I’m serious. It was just fun at first, being chased. He wouldn’t give up. And somewhere in there I fell. I didn’t even realize how far until I had to cut him loose.”
I take another
drag before I pass it off to her. I let the calm of the drug flow through me. My brain is the first to relax, and soon, everything else will too. I exhale slowly, watching the smoke I promised Alex I would stay away from.
“Did you cut him loose because you fell, or did something else happen?” she asks as the smoke leaves her mouth.
“Something else.” I don’t elaborate. She knows my mom is a loser, so there is no reason to go announcing our family dysfunction, especially since everyone around here has their own family secrets.
“So why mope around? Go back to him,” she says, passing the joint back to me.
“Not in the cards.” I inhale again.
Not wanting to explain or reveal things I don’t even understand myself, the urge to find another quick relief comes quickly. I scan the small backyard, zeroing in on Jay. The southside hot guy I never gave the time of day to due to his reputation. But needing something to help erase memories of Garrett, I decide to give in.
“Think I’ll hit that one up tonight,” I tell Amelia as I nod in Jay’s direction. I take another hit before handing her the last of the joint.
“Okay,” she responds, sounding skeptical.
Jay spots me walking to him instantly. He smiles knowingly before taking the last steps to meet me.
“What are you doing back here?” Jay inquires.
“Letting off some steam. Wanna help?” No reason to beat around the bush.
“What do you think?” The smirk which used to aggravate me is welcome right now.
I grab his hand and walk him around to the quiet side of the house. Leaning against the building, I wait for him to make his move. He comes in hard and fast, his tongue invading my mouth while pressing up against me. I fall into him for a few seconds, my mind quiet, until my thoughts catch up, realizing the kiss is not right. His roaming hands have no rhyme or reason. It’s sloppy and gross. I push him back, regretting my decision instantly.